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Thanks Job, FY, Ggrass, Sotto, Gwen for your posts on my previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2585846&page=11
Originally Posted By: job
Depression is the main ingredient in MLC. As for the AD medication, he may get it and not take it or he'll take it and discover that he's not quite himself, i.e., possible side effects, and go off of the meds. If he is taking ADs, he needs to see his physician periodically to ensure that he's taking the right dosage...I wonder how he's managing that while being on the road. Time will tell on this one.

I don't see him entering another stage of the crisis just yet. If he's in the very deep, dark depression/withdrawal, he wouldn't be reaching out to your son just yet. My friend was still in the replay stage when he got ADs, tried them and then stopped taking them.
Job, I don’t know when he started taking the AD meds. He definitely got them from a doctor when he was working in that state up North, this is what the address on the package indicated. He could have been on the med for a while now. He has a VA doctor, so who knows what kind of monitoring they do there.

Whatever stage he is in his MLC, I’m still glad that he reached out to my son. I just hope that it is not for any other reason, but to connect.

FY, you are always my biggest supporter when it comes to hope. Sometimes I feel like I’m just trying to live in a fantasy world of H coming back to reality someday… If I share this with other people, I normally get slammed really hard for having this fantasy. When I read your posts to me, I feel that I’m not alone, and these are real feelings of hope that I’m having. Not sure if I make sense here, LOL.

Originally Posted By: Ggrass
All I would read in ad medication is his life ain't as roses as he wants people to believe and it's not smooth sailing with the ow.
Ggrass, yes, this is what I’m thinking too, that his life is not what he tried to portray to others. BTW, I don’t know if that woman was/is an ow. This was just my speculation based on the info I had. I think he wanted her to be ow, but something didn’t work out.

Originally Posted By: Sotto
Hi Bright, I agree with the others. It is always good to maintain hope and I think there is always hope if the door is open a tiny bit at your end.

However, I think the thing to watch out for is the 'watching' and the 'wondering.' There is always a danger that we continue orbiting around our WAS's - even though much time may have passed. Much better to have a separate orbit and be living our own lives with little regard for what they may be doing. There is still quite a focus on your H in your posts and perhaps this is something to think about...
Thanks Sotto. You are absolutely right. I do think that I’ve been “watching” and “wondering” too much about H. I know that I need to work on that. You are also right that my posts are mostly about “news” related to H. I think I’m using this board exclusively for this. I do have my own life, I just don't post much about everything I do and feel outside of stuff related to H. Guilty of that. Like job mentioned in her post, it is always nice to hear from people about how their lives progressing and how they are healing. I will try to post more about me.

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen
I am honestly more of a "realist" - the door to my marriage is not bolted shut but as time goes on the odds are not good that H is going to have an sort of epiphany. Like you I also have to accept that geography is another obstacle.
Gwen, I think about this often. Then I read Lou’s post and it gives me hope…


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Some more thoughts… The FB thing. I was going to post about how I was not checking H’s page, because I’m not friends with him and I cannot see what he is posting there anyway. All I can see is what the mutual FB friends post when they mention H in their posts. I haven’t seen much of that until last week. For some reason H decided to post some of his updates public. And a few our mutual friends have been sharing his posts or tagging him in theirs.

Haven’t heard from my son and his GF since Friday when I called them to make sure they made it to the vacation home (they left at 7 pm and were driving after the dark, which made be worried.)

Last night I had a very strange dream with H in it. All I remembered when I woke up was the image of H standing there… He said something about his life being so difficult… All I remember that he looked like he had such a huge burden on his shoulders and a tremendous pain inside that he could barely handle. He looked like he was going to explode from that pain. At least he got his AD meds, LOL.


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I have been feeling incredible sadness last couple of days. Was thinking last night that this is just never going to go away. I’m so tired.


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I hope you're feeling better Bright.

Trust your process. You will get through this. I know it.

Much love,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Thanks, Heather for your kind words.

It is getting harder for me to write posts these days. I just don’t know where I am in all of this. It does feel like I’m moving on… But… I’ve been having some feelings… about wanting to have someone in my life who I can hug and share my days with. These feeling disappear after I start thinking what it would involve, LOL. I do like my life as a single woman most of the times. And then… I dream about a soul mate… And then H comes to mind… I’m a big mess these days…

Some updates… We had a family dinner last weekend with my son and his GF. I asked them about their trip to the vacation home. Was not able to get much, and it seems like they didn’t spent much time with H. He was with his friends (the crazy woman and company) during the off roads races. I didn’t have a chance to talk to my son’s GF. I know that she would be able to tell me more. Oh well… It not a priority right now. Whenever… I was just hoping that H and my son would reconnect.

It looks like H is not going to work anymore this year. I sent him an e-mail asking him to send me a company file, informing him that I received a check for his invoice and deposited it into a business account. I also asked him to let me know if I could stay at the condo sometime, I gave him a couple of dates when I would like to come over. I also told him that I share the internet with the neighbors over there (they are his friends too) and if he would like to have a password.

He replied back with the file and with some details. I’m going to post it here in hopes to get some feedback.
“Hi Bright, thanks for depositing the check. I have the password for the internet, thanks. I don't have any work as of right now so I don't know if I will be here or not at those times. I will keep you informed so you can make plans. I am flying out tomorrow to XXX to pick up my truck and drive it back. If you wanted to come down this weekend you could. It's the golf tournament weekend, so it will be busy.
Hope all's well,
H”

My thoughts:
- He doesn’t have any work. And it looks like he is ok with that. I have some intel that he turned down some work in that state where he is flying to. I don’t know if it was a small project with not much money and he thought it was not worth it. But, in the past he would pick up anything to make any money. Either he thinks he made enough money for this year, or he gave up… Meaning depression…

- He is not telling me directly that he doesn’t want me to be at the condo. This is what I thought would happen after last time, when I heard some of his comments and especially the comment about delivering the D papers on our anniversary. It looks like he is trying to keep piece with me, but at the same time not trying to do favors (if it makes sense.) If he is going to pick up his truck, he is definitely not going back to work. Why make a vague promise “to inform me”?

- The last couple of sentences make me feel like he is tired and not that excited about life anymore. Just my impression. Am I reading too much into this?

Expecting 2x4 again… Advising me to concentrate on my life and me and stop analyzing, LOL.

I do have my own life and I do concentrate on me. I just cannot shake off the image of H out of my head. I also feel that he is not happy and I feel sorry for him. Read a quote today: “Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew”. Why is this so tough?

Thanks for reading…


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Bright,
I'm sorry that you are finding it harder to post, but you need to understand that what your h is going through right now is replay/depression and it's going to take some time for him to work thru all of this. He was a very slow beginner when he entered the crisis and he's now exhibiting a lot of those replay behaviors that we have talked about on this forum.

For whatever reason, he doesn't feel the need to work any more this year. Could it be that he's met his monetary quota or maybe he wants to take some time off and enjoy life a bit before getting back to work next year? It could be the depression has him feeling lousy...but no one knows the real reason and it's difficult to understand why he is doing the things he's doing. I can tell you this...he's not the man you knew and loved. He's a very changed man now w/different interests, people and activities. Trying to analyze what he's doing, saying, etc., is not helping you because there is no rhyme or reason for his actions. I doubt seriously he could tell you why he's doing the things he is doing and have them make sense to you.

Now, about your son and GF, please stop and think about what I'm about to say and do not take offense. Do not quiz them about what went on w/your h while they were at the vacation home. The more you quiz them, the more uncomfortable they will become and will eventually stop sharing info w/you. If they come to you and want to talk, fine...but don't quiz them. I know you are curious, but you don't want your son to distance himself from you because of this. You've got a good relationship w/him and his GF and I would hate to see it go by the wayside w/questions about your h.

Your h will reconnect w/your son when he's ready. Remember, they make promises and very seldom keep them, so don't be surprised if he doesn't keep you informed of things about himself. Keep those expectations at zero. Your h has a long ways to go and the old saying "a watched pot never boils" is so true.

And yes, I'm going to repeat myself again...keep the focus on you and try to curb your analyzing of your h's behaviors. It's not helping you...in fact, it may be keeping you stuck. Try to think of him on a long trip overseas and he's at a remote village doing a research project and has no phone, etc. He'll contact you when he needs something...it seems he's good at that.

Again...keep the focus on you!


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Job, thank you so much for your reply. You have so much patience, repeating the same things over and over again. You know what, this is exactly what I need. You cannot even imagine how much your posts mean to me. I feel so much better after I read your reasoning. My head stops spinning and I have a clearer picture of things. I hope I’m explaining myself good enough here…

H did make some good money this year, which will sustain him until the next spring easily. I guess he just goes year by year (just like day by day) now and is only interested in making enough money for one year.

And I hear you… He probably doesn’t know why he is doing things…

Originally Posted By: job
Now, about your son and GF, please stop and think about what I'm about to say and do not take offense. Do not quiz them about what went on w/your h while they were at the vacation home. The more you quiz them, the more uncomfortable they will become and will eventually stop sharing info w/you. If they come to you and want to talk, fine...but don't quiz them. I know you are curious, but you don't want your son to distance himself from you because of this. You've got a good relationship w/him and his GF and I would hate to see it go by the wayside w/questions about your h.

I agree with you on this. I know my son would probably not feel comfortable if I question him. His GF is actually more open and she would have no problem telling me about things. I will still take your advice and will not question her, unless it comes out in a conversation or she tells me things.

Originally Posted By: job
Your h has a long ways to go and the old saying "a watched pot never boils" is so true.
I try to remind myself about this all the time.

Originally Posted By: job
And yes, I'm going to repeat myself again...keep the focus on you and try to curb your analyzing of your h's behaviors. It's not helping you...in fact, it may be keeping you stuck. Try to think of him on a long trip overseas and he's at a remote village doing a research project and has no phone, etc. He'll contact you when he needs something...it seems he's good at that.
I’m going to read this over and over again, to get it in my head for good. Thank you.


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Small update… I was preparing to e-mail my GF and her H at the vacation place about the accommodations on the weekend I want to be at the condo (which was one of the dates I asked H about.) I was not counting on the condo to be available, since H told me that he would most likely be there… And then, out of the blue, I got text from H, telling me that I can plan on having condo on that weekend I was asking about. I was surprised and excited! It is making my life so much easier! I texted back asking about the exact dates, since I want to be there for the extended weekend and work remotely for a day or two. He said that it would be fine and “I will figure something out”. So, sent a very emotional response back (this is how I felt at the moment, very excited), thanking him for this and saying that I hope that it would be not too much inconvenience for him… and how excited I am to go to the vacation home…

He replied back saying that he will probably be on the road somewhere anyway.

Wow! I totally didn’t expect that. I though he is trying to maintain the possession of the condo. But… it looks like he thought about my e-mail and wanted to let me know that I could stay at the condo before I would make any other plans.

All I can say that I’m so excited that I don’t have to make any other arrangements! This makes me think that deep down H is still a nice guy. Which… makes my detachment harder… I think that if he would be a nasty MLCer, I would get over it quicker. Just saying…


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I’ve been working pretty much two jobs for the last couple of weeks. Worked all last weekend. The second job is my contract gig with the company I used to work for as a consultant. They needed to implement some functionality by certain deadline, but didn’t realize how much work it would require on my part. So, I had to work over the weekend and then every day after my regular job until 10-11 at night.

Also, all last week I had the company events, including the Fall Festival where I volunteered to help and represent our team. It was exhausting couple of weeks. I’m really looking forward to this weekend at the vacation home.

H seems to be doing some work now in that state when he went to pick up his truck. He texted me the other day asking to send him the updated company file by Friday (this past Friday). I was so busy that I didn’t have a chance to do my updates in QB, so I texted him back telling him that. I asked him to do his updates and then send the file back to me. He never acknowledged my text. His text was also kind of dry, not addressing me by name. Makes me think again that he is angry at something.

Another package for H showed up at the house a couple of days ago. Looks like from VA optometrist. I think there might be new prescription glasses in there. Funny, how the packages show up right before someone is going to the vacation home. I’m pretty sure H decided to mail it to my house knowing that I will be going to the vacation home. I guess I’m still a safe harbor and a responsible party, LOL. And he is still a “rolling stone”, not having a permanent residence place where he can send his mail to.

In spite of being extremely busy with work, I’m still doing some GAL activities. Going out with co-workers and friends, keeping some traditions. My son came to my house yesterday for Halloween. He carved a pumpkin and stayed to hand out the candy, as we do every year.

I think I figured out why I have some feelings that seem to set me back and make me feel stuck. I have some anxiety issue, always had. I tend to get panicky when I think I would not be able to accomplish something by the time I need it to be done. With all that extra work and other stuff going on, I’ve been having these panicky moods, which bring all other feelings that I thought I dealt with on the surface. Then it passes… when I get some rest and able to relax. Part of this is unfinished “business” with H. I think it is growing on me and at some point I need to pull the plug. At the same time I dread all that would come with the D. I don’t think it will be easy, considering the condo in a foreign country and joint business. I dread the paper work and dealing with the courts and layers, and H for that matter. I guess I will just continue to try to deal with my anxiety the best I can and keep living my life for now.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 11/02/15 01:09 AM.

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Hi BrightFuture- Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you. Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch.

I too was having anxiety about everything. Anxiety is such a strange thing. Inside I felt like there was a tornado in my mind, heart and brain. Everything felt so unsettled. I play competitive tennis and people would tell me I seemed calm. Yet, inside I felt like such a mess. It astounded me that to others saw me as settled.

As you may already know, anxiety is about future worries, right? I know you are going out with friends and see your son, etc. One thing that helped me is to really fatigue my body via walking, hiking, tennis, biking, etc. It just got all that anxiety out and then I am less tired/down too. Maybe you already do physical stuff but if so maybe try more of it? Just a thought.

Sending you positive karma.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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