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#2614509 10/12/15 12:04 AM
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Ancaire Offline OP
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I'm pretty sure I belong in here now - but I'm in a rotten frame of mind tonight.

Let me recap a bit. Early August 2015, my H surprised me by sending me an e-mail while out of town that basically said we'd grown apart over the years and he wanted out. I freaked out, mainly because this was coming from the same man who'd lectured me plenty of times over the years that D was not an option. I got online, read everything I could, and found Michelle's website. Immediately ordered DR, devoured it, and made my way to the newcomer's forum.

He said there was no one else at BD, but that he wanted to date other people. I just started DB'ing as best I could. A couple of weeks into the nightmare, my intuition began going off like crazy. I just knew there was someone else involved. His entire personality and demeanor changed so quickly. I kept accusing, he kept denying...

We talked several time about things. I couldn't make heads or tails of his new mindset, so I snooped in his e-mail and found letters I'd written him all forwarded to some other woman. I thought for sure she was involved in an affair with my H. He kept telling me she wasn't.

My kids (we have 5) were destroyed by the whole thing, and really put pressure on H, asking why he wouldn't even try MC. Why was it just over all of a sudden? Three months ago, he told them everything was fine, and suddenly he can't stand me another minute.

Now...my part in this fiasco is that I have several health problems that just kept piling on. I also suffer from major depression. I lost ALL of my father's family, including my dad, in a short amount of time. My dad's death was particularly horrific. We were in the middle of a major move at the time.

Long story short, I fell into a deep depression four years ago, that I just didn't know how to manage. Every part of my body hurt, and I spent a lot of time locked up in my room. I didn't know how to cope, and just withdrew.

Apparently at the same time, my H spent every spare minute he had complaining about me to everyone he met. I laid in bed all day, and he had to do everything. Not quite true, but true enough that I take ownership for it, and have apologized profusely. It wasn't until BD that I snapped out of it, and started really working on myself.

Back to H. A little over a week ago, he realized it was going to cost him plenty to get rid of me. The kids were all angry with him, because I'd told them there was definitely someone else in the picture. I had talked to him about working it out - he was giving up way too easy and way to soon. So, he told me to find a MC and set it up. We go to our first meeting at the end of the month.

I found out he was still talking to the woman he'd sent my letters to, and I was really upset. Today he came home from out of town, and told me the truth. Finally. I was right about the affair, but wrong about the person. He met someone else the week after he'd asked for a D. This A was intense. He broke it off right before he agreed to go to MC.

He is still hurting from the breakup. I am struggling with the knowledge that he had an A to begin with. He said in his mind, our marriage was over - only a piece of paper saying it was so was the only thing missing. I asked him if he really intended to justify his A to me with that logic. Then, I asked a limited amount of questions, because I really don't want to know more than I already do.

I intend to put this behind us, but tonight, I am so raw and upset I can't even look at him. How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? He admitted if I'd done the same, there would be no forgiveness. So, I'm supposed to be the forgiving one, I guess.

I just don't know at this minute - but I do know I need to STFU and let things be for a while. I'm so angry with him for the way he's treated me by being unsupportive when I was clearly struggling from depression, by trashing me to anyone who would listen, and then leaving me without any talking whatsoever. Compound all that with the A....I just don't know anymore.

He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years - but I know some of that was just sheer frustration with my depression. I want to think I'm going to be the bigger person, and be committed to my my commitment (thanks, Painter) long enough to give MC and Retrouvaille a shot. Do I have it in me? Can I even forgive him? If so, how on earth do I do that?

I want to keep the family together for the kids, above all. My parents divorced after 34 years of marriage, and there is no way I would willingly put my kids through the same kind of pain I clearly remember going through myself. I love my kids enough to try. I'm just not so sure how I feel about H at the moment. I know I care about him. He says he cares about me.

I think that's about the bare bones of the situation. If any of you have any great advice for me, a 2x4, or encouragement....I should would appreciate it.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Ancaire Offline OP
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I cannot say it's going well. I asked H to go get tested for STD's, and he doesn't want to. I asked if we were ever going to ML again, and he said he didn't know. I guess since I'm "blackmailing" him into staying with me (due to what D will cost him) he resents me so much he doesn't want to touch me.

He's also seriously resentful about having to break it off with OW. I don't know what to believe. I wouldn't break it off with someone I loved because of money.

Am I wanting too much, too soon? We haven't even started MC yet to work through our issues. I don't know if I should check in with him tonight, or not. If I do, it could be pressure/pursuit. If I don't, he may conclude I'm not going to forgive him and contact OW.

I obviously don't feel good about this situation. I know everything will take time to improve. But isn't H not calling me a bad sign? He's been fairly good about it lately, until a spat yesterday.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I cannot say it's going well.
I asked H to go get tested for STD's, and he doesn't want to.
I asked if we were ever going to ML again, and he said he didn't know.
I guess since I'm "blackmailing" him into staying with me (due to what D will cost him) he resents me so much he doesn't want to touch me.

This does not sound like piecing to me.

Sorry it just sounds like he is between girl friends right now and maybe you are OW #2 or maybe not even that.

No matter what keep your boundaries in place.


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Ancaire Offline OP
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It doesn't sound like piecing to me either...it sounds like straight up MLC confusion. I don't know where I should be posting anymore. I keep updating in the Newcomers forum.

My H is 50. His entire personality has changed. At times, I feel like I'm talking to either a child or a teenager. He blames everything on me and seems to believe if I were gone he'd be happy.

He still loves the children. Says he cares for me, but not in love with me.

I'm going to back off, wait for MC and Retrouvaille. If it is indeed MLC, I'm not holding out a lot of hope - but who knows? Maybe something will get his attention and cause him to start questioning his mind-set.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti

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