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Journaling - I had the chance to talk to d21 for a bit last night. She broke up with her ex-bf 5 months ago. Ex-bf has kept his distance until yesterday.

I find new fascination in watching break-ups to see if any get repaired. D21 was in love with ex-bf, and so I wanted to see if their year long R was something that could or should be fixed.

Ex-bf showed up at d21's restaurant job. This made her mad, she did not like the attention or embarrassment. He brought a giant cookie (I think she liked this.) And when her shift was over they went out for a drink.

When they talked d21's ex-bf placed too much attention on d21, instead of how he had grown thru the break-up. He told d21 that "she had made a lot of mistakes." But that he was "willing" to get back together (I guess he was saying he was willing to take her back, despite what she had done.) D21 was not impressed.

Another mistake of ex-bf was that he took the bus (he does not have a license) to see d21. But by the time they talked, the buses had stopped running. So d21 was forced to drive him back to his place. And he begged/pleaded that she see him one more time before he would leave her truck.

D21 is great, and she has moved on with her life after the break-up. Last semester, she took 20 credits (!!!) and had a straight 4.0 gpa, while also working. It looks like ex-bf is still stuck in the past, has not moved on, while d21 has gotten a life, and more easily moved on. It seems like I can learn some lessons from my d21's break-up and her handling of it. blush

I had a good weekend with s14. He had to face a football player 6 inches taller and 25 pounds heavier than he was. By the end of the game s14 had gotten into Giant football player's head, as he was complaining on every play to the ref that s14 "was holding me!" S14 had 4 straight tackles too, and a sack. Ok, the game wasn't great as s14's team lost by over 30 points. frown

W asked me today to make sure s14 was current with his homework. A near heart-attack experience! In the past 3 days of school, s14 had failed to turn in 13 assignments! Thirteen!!! I had a serious discussion with him about this, and the importance of doing homework, but he has a little smart-a$$ in him, telling me the homework doesn't really count. "It's just the tests Dad." No way was I going to let him get away with that kind of poor logic. I told him to call me on Tuesday to tell me how many assignments he had caught up in turning in.

I see my neuro-surgeon's office tomorrow, to see if a 3rd Spinal Fusion surgery is needed (Ack!) eek


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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I think it is great that you can see what didn't work for your daughter's ex boyfriend. Missing someone or the relationship is never a reason to get back together. Need to look at what went wrong and how has anything changed.

I hope all goes well with your spine check up.

I will write more when my world slows down. lol

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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A quick update - my father went into the ER this past Wednesday night. He continues to have problems breathing, and had liquid in his lungs. He is back home now, and doing better. They are now planning on doing a pace maker for him next Tuesday.

S14's homework problems seem much better. He turned in most of his work earlier in the week. When I saw him last night he said it is all turned in (dad, for the scene to be complete, make sure to add the rolling of his eyes.)

I saw my neuro-surgeon, and they are going to try another steroid shot in a different part of my spine. They are trying to figure out exactly where the problem is. But every time they give me steroids, I seem to put on another 5 pounds!


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Nov 2008
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The 'roids do that effect. I have friend in a similar situation (only worse) and they gave him the steroids. He gained 30 pounds almost over night which makes the back problem worse. The good news is, he was able to avoid surgery.

Hang in there.

Your son - it may be that he just needs to have his dad pay attention to his school work and show him what's important, no?

A pace maker could be a really good thing. I'm hoping for the best outcome!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hope they get you all figured out Wet


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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W called me up a few days ago, and mentioned her Uncle passed away and her sister's odd response. This is the classic "creepy uncle" who molested 5 of the sisters, and dangled W when she was 6 years old by her feet out of a 3rd story window.

The sisters wanted to send 1 of them to be the family's representative to the out-of-state funeral(?!) W had a good but sad response - Just like I won't go to my pediatrician's funeral who molested me, I can't even imagine attending 'creepy uncle's' funeral, and I hope you(i.e., the sisters) don't go either.

S14 had his last football game on Saturday, and was a monster after this. He was yelling at me about everything. Today, he then decided he did not want to go back to W's place, after begging to go back for several hours. He then "ran away" by busting off the back door screen. I did not chase after him. He came back an hour later yelling at me for not going out to my van, where he was waiting.

I am taking W to a traffic court hearing 1st thing tomorrow morning to fight an expensive ticket. I better review 'Sandi's 37 Rules' about a dozen times more times before I have extended time together with her (you know driving together, on a train, then the trip back.) And why do I always think that I have a chance for s3x out of this? My mind is still so messed up...


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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I finally did it. I finally told my W that I did not want a divorce, and that if she wanted the divorce, she would have to do all the work. That the old marriage was "cr*p", and that I wanted to see how a new marriage might work with all that we've learned.

Here is how I got the chance to say this. I drove W to challenge her traffic tickets before a traffic Examiner. The Examiner was short with us, and rude - I asked for a payment history to help us better understand what was going on (W thought she paid the tickets). And the Examiner said he did not have a payment history. And then went on explaining the April payment did not pay the ticket. And the September payment did not pay that ticket, blah, blah, blah. I saw he was not going to be helpful, or discount the amount which was owed (over $700 bucks), so I set it for a court hearing in November.

Driving together W was writing out her version of the facts, and so we didn't talk much. After the meeting with the Examiner, we sat down and I got some tea, W had coffee. Talking about the Examiner being a jerk (at what point W was explaining what she thought the payments were going to, and the Examiner said to me "she's not getting it. Do you want to try and explain it to her?" - how rude!)

W was emotional. She does not have the ability to pay over $700 in tickets, and was frustrated by the rude Examiner. She cried. I tried to change the subject, and everything she would turn into something negative. Example, Me: "you are seeing your Dad later today, he must appreciate having you there"

W: "older sister will be there too, b/c she doesn't trust me around him."

I then changed the subject into something light, and kept doing this until I had W giggling.

W then brought up what was on her mind - divorce. She wants the divorce done now. I gently told her that I do not want a divorce. If she wants the divorce, she will have to do this all on her own. I then mentioned that the old marriage was "cr*p", and that I wanted to see how a new marriage might work with all that we've learned.

I am happy about this b/c I have never explained to her that I did not want a divorce. I have avoided talking to her about it. I hope that I have cleared up what my position is.

I caught her off guard, and she started crying again. She then asked me what I would do that would change how our "old" marriage worked. I mentioned 'communication', that I was a very poor communicator when W asked me tough questions. I would get defensive and would try and protect her from what was going on.

I then said I would make sure I was keeping W protected. W told me that her bad childhood experiences made it important to her that she feel she is safe, and in a safe environment. I explained this was important to me, I apologized for a time when I did not go downstairs at night when she heard someone break-in. I validated her need to feel safe.

I then told her that I understood her Love Languages, and that she needed to go out and have fun with me, go on trips, etc. She added that her strongest Love Language was doing acts of service, so she was tracking with me. This was all very positive.

I did a good job of curbing my tongue. With d21's example of ex-bf, I did NOT mention anything that W needed to fix - I thought about it, but kept my mouth shut. All of the discussion was what I needed to do to change our "old" bad marriage, and listening to W, and responding to what she said.

So we still had a train and a car trip back together. I kept it light, tried to keep the focus on her - she is going to AA. She is in some sort of group where she is learning about things like "anxiety" - a score of 500 is red-line. W's score was above 1,000.

But then W started talking about d21's new boyfriend, who is from the old neighborhood. How he was such a help "after the divorce". She mentioned "after the divorce" 3 times on our ride back. I let those references slide. I understand that W was still processing what I said, and this was a being said to keep me at arm's length.

OK, I am long-winded today, so I will stop here. When I got her back to her car, we hugged briefly, and that was it. I hope I gave her some things to think about.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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Glad to hear you spoke your mind, Wet. Sorry you didn't feel safe saying it before in your marriage.

I would imagine with such a high anxiety, it's going to be hard for her to process your thoughts or see that her desire to feel "safe" and her actions don't seem to line up with common ideas on the subject.

How's your dad?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Thanks AJ. My Dad goes in for surgery today to have a pacemaker and defibulator (sp?) put in. I will be there with my Mom, and I expect my brother and sister will also be there.

What I am most encouraged about from speaking with W yesterday was that she is getting help. Attending AA, and another group that is teaching her about stress seems very positive to me. We all need people to stand alongside us as we face life's struggles.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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I'm keeping your father in my thoughts and prayers today.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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