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would someone who is intent on leaving the marriage want to go to a birthday party which will have my family there?


I think the better question to ask is "Does it matter?".

Focus on yourself and being a better man. Try to stop worrying about what she is thinking or what she is doing or what her motivations may or may not be. IOW, detach and simply go with the flow. Listen, observe, but try not to concern yourself with what she is doing and why. Notice what she is doing, certainly, but don't let it change your focus and don't let it distract you and get your hopes up. This is a marathon and you don't want to run off chasing the rabbit.


M: Late 30s W:Late 30s
S: 4 D:2

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ILYINILWY: 8/2015
EA: Confirmed 9/2015, Started 8/2015?
PA: No evidence, W Denies
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Let me ask you this, would someone who is intent on leaving the marriage want to go to a birthday party which will have my family there?


If you mean a WW, then that depends on a few things. For example, if your family knows everything, or not. What the family's attitude is toward you W. Mostly, you just never know the "whys?" behind the action of a WW. When it comes to attending family events/holidays, for some reason the WW wants to think the pretense should continue, or if she's in public, she doesn't want to be alone and will want you to sit with her or whatever. It's crazy.

Selfishness is their main motivator. She's getting something out of it, or she wouldn't do it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Make the appointment. I finally did and don't know what to expect yet as its only been 3 days but I needed something to help even me out



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So, not a whole lot to report from the weekend. It seemed very friendly but not a whole lot else. I haven't tried to get a temperature check in quite some time. She talked of all this stuff she wants to do with the house - as in new floors, cabinets, and paint.

Something I have noticed, the only time she ever really comes close to "attacking" (for lack of a better word) is when we are in counseling. I mean, she will - very rarely now - say, "well, for xx years you didn't...", but that's few and far between now.

I know we are working our "separation" now, but in house its kind of difficult. She said - if it wasn't odd or whatever due to our situation - that she has tickets for us to go to one of the holiday parties at her work.

OK, can somebody explain this... I slipped a little yesterday. We were working outside, and quite honestly she was looking pretty damn hot in her workout clothes, so I mentioned something about how good a stress and tension reliever it would be for a good ol' roll in the hay, to which she mentioned something about boundaries. So, then I couldn't just leave well enough alone and said well, it would be just that and its great exercise, too...and then she said something to the effect, if its just exercise, then she should be able to do it with whoever she chooses in a laughing sort of way. Now, knowing how my mind races, sent my alarms off. I then said NO. I know this is a stupid question, but I need to some mind-easing advice - is that something to be concerned about or would ya'll take it as joking?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Quote:
If you mean a WW, then that depends on a few things. For example, if your family knows everything, or not. What the family's attitude is toward you W. Mostly, you just never know the "whys?" behind the action of a WW. When it comes to attending family events/holidays, for some reason the WW wants to think the pretense should continue, or if she's in public, she doesn't want to be alone and will want you to sit with her or whatever. It's crazy.

Selfishness is their main motivator. She's getting something out of it, or she wouldn't do it.


Very wise words, Sandi. My family - as in my brother and his W - know pretty much everything, but my parents don't. As we were driving to the party, my W said something to the effect of feeling like she was going into the lion's den. However, she acted like she had a good time and interacted with everyone. In fact, she acted like the old days when things were good. Head scratcher, for sure.

Now, I have another question - the W had said several times that if we don't work out, then we would end up being the best of friends. If we don't work, I have no intention of being the best of friends - or pals, buddies, or whatever. The way I feel about it, either we will be married or acquaintances, but I can't be buddies. How does one approach that? Is "working on our friendship and being comfortable with each other" during our separation something normal, or is that a set up for the friend zone? Any thoughts/ideas on how to handle that???


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Don't worry about what the future might hold in regards to a friendship. That's putting the cart before the horse.

Stay in the present, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

Be cordial but independent. Keep working on GAL.

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Quote:
Don't worry about what the future might hold in regards to a friendship. That's putting the cart before the horse.

Stay in the present, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

Be cordial but independent. Keep working on GAL.


Hi, Thornton! Glad to see your response. I do have somewhat of a problem of looking at the future and, quite honestly, I don't know how to stop doing that.

I really have been working on everything and some days are really good for me. This weekend was nice.

Am I supposed to treat her like a friend? Or not even that much? I mean, she has said in our counseling sessions that we had to work on our friendship, so that's kind of what I have been doing. I just don't want to be friendzoned!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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Be friendly without over doing it. Respond nicely to her when she talks to you but don't initiate lots of friendly conversations with her either.

The sweet spot for me in my sitch was when I was friendly when she reached out to me but I "acted as if" I was busy and didn't have a lot of time for drawn out conversations. I would be nice and crack a joke or two and then tell her I had to run.

I wanted to be mysterious, and not in a "I found another girl" way. But in a way that translated to I was becoming adventurous (think Bear Grylls). And I wouldn't give her too many details. I wanted her to wonder about me when I was gone.

You are still living with w, correct? You will need adjust accordingly and find your sweet spot.

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Quote:
Be friendly without over doing it. Respond nicely to her when she talks to you but don't initiate lots of friendly conversations with her either.

The sweet spot for me in my sitch was when I was friendly when she reached out to me but I "acted as if" I was busy and didn't have a lot of time for drawn out conversations. I would be nice and crack a joke or two and then tell her I had to run.

I wanted to be mysterious, and not in a "I found another girl" way. But in a way that translated to I was becoming adventurous (think Bear Grylls). And I wouldn't give her too many details. I wanted her to wonder about me when I was gone.

You are still living with w, correct? You will need adjust accordingly and find your sweet spot.


Yes sir, we still live together. That is, we will until December. Odd thing, she hasn't even gotten her apartment yet (so she says) at her next duty station and she leaves in roughly two months. Kind of makes me wonder.

I am trying hard to behave like you, but in my situation, its pretty hard to do. Here is another question - given my W's mental state and her seemingly need for attention and acceptance, does the whole detaching and not showing attention and the like just validate her feelings of moving on? Remember how her walls are, and she made a comment some months ago - when I sort of went all detached - about how me not really talking sort of reinforced her alone feelings and all. I can understand how detachment would work in a more normal woman, but with my W's past playing into how her mind works it almost seems counter intuitive. Who knows. But it almost seems at times as if being friendly is playing into her mindset about moving on and just friendzoning me...

This may seem odd, but sometimes the detachment seems to really be taking hold and its almost as if I am in a "whatever" happens mode. I mean, I want this marriage to work more than anything and love my W more than life itself, but it just seems that at times that "whatever" mode kicks in. Does that make sense?


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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So, our anniversary was this weekend. She didn't mention it at all, which was kind of sad. I know that she is all into the separation and trying to see what will come out of that and all, but c'mon, really? Not even a mention. So, we all (us and the kids) went out to eat on that night and I said something to the effect of its our unofficial anniversary dinner, to which she laughed a little and smiled, but didn't say anything. WTF???


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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