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Originally Posted By: Anna25
Last night H came home and basically he forced me to have S. I asked him to stop verbally and physically, but of course I'm no match physically .
Right after, H started apologizing profusely.

H was in such a pain. He said he is so exhausted sleeping in a car every day, feels so bad when he makes me late in the morning, when he just sees me feeling like he ruined my life. Said he doesn't know where he belongs, but not here (at home) and that he has no guts to leave me so I have to.

He told me he just wanted to get in the car and drive away, away from everything. Actually H did his solo trip (with our dog) last year just driving up the coast and camping. He said he wanted to do that but he is too broke, that he has his family to take care of.

I can see his depression is severe. How can he help himself? I know I can't talk him into getting help, but what else can I do?
Is that said trip going to help him a little? I know it's not going to cure anthning right away, but do you think it will help him to be away from us even for a week, to break out his thoughts and life patterns he is trapped in right now?
Financially it's hard, but if it really helps him, I could help a little. Or am I being too nice to acommodate that??


This was my issue, except I was unable to speak at the time I was so numb and humiliated he didn't understand what he had done and why it was wrong. It was blamed on me and I was humiliated again in a letter which re wrote the events.

Sorry it is rape and abuse.

You need to get out, he already has the ow lined up and his treatment of you will only get worse.

Please take this warning from one who has walked in your shoes. Please please please make sure you are safe.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Ggrass, that was my first reaction too. Take that event serious and take action to prevent another one. Boundaries only mean something if the other person doesn't resort to using physical force. Clearly, he showed that boundaries are meaningless to him to the point he would use force to get what he wanted. The only response that would have any meaning is swift response that would adequately make H not want to do that ever again. For me it would have been either legal action and arrest or humiliation in front of his family where they would provide protection. But I know it is hard to want to take such actions against someone you hope to reconcile with someday. Possibly using peppers pray next before escalation to extreme measures is adequate. I hope so for her safety and that of her children.


Me:49 W:45
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EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
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I think she needs strong boundaries like space.

No ow as well. Separating and being nc is for you, in this case it will offer pyscial safey. In au an avo (violence order) in place will mean police should respond in a timely manner should she need.

Pepper spray is good, but he could use it on her. If he thinks there is nothing wrong with rape and she's Making excuses for the behaivours this is serriously unhealthy and bordering on extreme.

Her h needs help, those issues cannot be fixed in 5min. The work starts by the w standing up from being the door mat, she needs to change her part. That starts now.

If her h truely wants r, when he's sorted his issues nothing will stop him. Wise advice
given by the vets on this board.

I have been of the board locked out by my own hand, but if you want moral support and you will need it, I will take time out and come by. Lots.

To listen to say this ain't your fault you don't need to be raped as he us your h.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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One woman every week is killed by her h.

I was friends with a girl who's death was odd. People suspect her h, she became a statistic. This lady has a one year old, she is in the biggest at risk group.

Sexual assault is one of the lead up behaivours to murder. It's why I did end up leaving, slow 4 year escalation....., leading to violence.

My xh2 even told me exactly what he had done to his xw1, he repeated that whole pattern on me. At the time he revealed xw1 treatment he told me it was her being crazee and nasty. Made up rummors, I excused him.

This is serrious it needs to be delt with serrious, and db says you cannot db abuse totally. Mwd, advises not to stay under those circumstances. So do most other popular pych like dr phill. Like your gp.

Make a plan, a considered thoughtful plan. Get help, people will help. Find it you can do it.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Aug 2015
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Anna25 Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for your concern.

Sotto
I've been continuing my classes, working out and meetups with other moms. Occasional lunch/dinner with friends, but not too often due to budget issues. Sometimes I feel bad for kids to be absent at night but my IC also told me that it is ok as long as kids know I'll be back.
I'm also enjoying cooking, this is what I loved before.
I make D3's lunch once a week for her school and people compliment me for my little creation every week (I make it really cute like edible arts) which makes me feel good.

Ggrass,
Thank you so much for your concern and I'm sorry you have been through the same before. Since the incident he seems to take it to heart and keeps his hands to hiimself.
Physical separation for me leaving or him leaving is not possible at this moment for financial reasons. I know it's not ideal, but that is the reality. I/He would have left two months ago, but when you have two little toddlers, things get much more complexed.
I'm really sorry if I sound like I don't take it seriously, that is not my intention. I do truely appreciate your concern.

mvgfwd,
Thank you for your advise as always. As you say, I am not ready for thouse extreme measures yet to be honest. Anything I say would sound like another excuse, I know....


H started coming home earlier (compared to him coming home in the morning) and leaving later (if he is home for kids)since the incident and he came straight after work last night and stayed all night on the couch, which was the first time since BD.
Of course there is no way for me to know exactly what kind of adjustment he is trying to make or his intetions. Either cutting down his alcohol, saving money, or getting more sleep is good for his mental and physical health. Good for my peace of mind for not worring about being late or all kinds of troubles he might get us in.

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Anna, I don't think you should leave.

He should due to his actions. Violence occurs in cycles..

Build up with stress, out burst then honeymoon while stress builds then trigger event.

I should have left when he treatened to walk of leave me over seas.
I should have left when my son was assaulted, but he was very sorry and played by the rules I set.

After that he verbally asullted me many times, pyscially kicking me all night leaving light bruising, I should have left then.

I should have left, when he stalked me and got others to keep tabs on me at work and out.

I should have left when next he sexually assaulted me.

Later spat on me, after he blamed me for the ow. That's when I left and went nc. After 8mo and many incidents.

As many say in these boards once there is op, it gets way worse before it gets better.

Anna put your self and your child first.


M 46 h54
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T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Hi Anna, I'm just checking in to see how you are doing my friend. Do post and let us know how things are going when you get chance...

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Anna25 Offline OP
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Took a little break form this site.
Reading other people's stories and writing my own do definitely help, but sometimes it is overwhelming.

I feel very sad.
I guess after the first shock passed, it's taking a toll on me. Evey little thing reminds me of good times, what we did, where we went etc...I know it's not doing any good to me, but I can't help it. Fortunately I've been doing that only to myself and not in front of H.
Then I tell myself I do not want to give up. I'm going back and forth between hopeless to hopeful.

This week I realized I really need to put more effort to distance/detach myself from H. I have been doing that half-heartedly and probably H could see that. I have not followed him around the house physically, but I have been doing that mentally if you know what I mean...
I need to stop that.

It's been two months and I'm exhausted. But now is not the time to fall into a slump. Stay focused.

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It's ok to want it to work, but getting him to give up the ow is the first step.

To have both is just cake eating and to loose you is a show of ur worth.

Ask your self, why would h give up ow, if anna is at home and prepared to put up with have s?

Why should he change if he doesn't have to?

The burning questions tho you need to be thinking about is how to protect Anna. Be creative there are solutions.i don't know what they are for you to make suggestions but get L advice get woman's shelter advice educate yourself on what help there is.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Hi Anna, I think you are right in your last couple of paragraphs. See, I already know you are a bright cookie!! It is true that when we do something 'for them' rather than 'for us' - we are only half way there. Though it is good progress not to be following him around the house.

I agree that effort being put into distance and detaching will be effort in the right direction. So, what specifically are you going to do to achieve this in coming weeks?

Reading your post does make me remember why GAL for ourselves is so important. Until we do, our H and our sitch remain the centre of our worlds. We orbit around them. But the thing is, remaining attached to them (whilst they are in the place they are) isn't healthy for us.

What is healthy for us is to realise that they have their life and we have ours. They will continue on their path until they want to do otherwise. And we will continue on ours separate to them for now, and until or unless anything significant changes.

I can remember that exhaustion and looking after yourself is important. Eating well, takind some exercise, a nice bath, reading your book, meditating, music.....finding whatever brings you some relief and building it into your life. There will come a time when you look back on your strength and perseverence during this difficult period and you will feel a deep sense of satisfaction for the character you have shown.

Take care my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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