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Zues, what your saying makes sense to me. I have to reflect on this, because my emotions keep getting in the way and I keep making things worse. this has been happening for the past year, and for some reason I can recognize it but I just cant implement change.

Thank you.


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Julie - Zuess gave you some really good advice. I hope it can hep you navigate through this pain. What are you doing in terms of self care? It's one of the only ways that helped me to feel like I wasn't carrying around a suitcase full of holders everyday.


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Thank you ep

Truth be told, I'm not doing that great with the self care. I really don't enjoy doing much right now. Work is good for me cause im forced to be structured and productive, I have a friend I can talk to but I also don't want to take advantage of her patience. I'm exercising, getting dressed up, and wearing some make up ( I hate make up) but that hasn't really helped me feel better. My weight loss might be getting a little concerning, but I think I'm ok as long as I don't lose any more.

After my marriage counseling fiasco, (long story) I don't really trust counselors, at least not the ones that take insurance. (Husband seeing her now which I think is a bit unethical as she saw me for many private visits and there are plenty of other reasons).

Husband is doing a great job with GAL and he is immersed with work so this is probably not taking as big of a toll on him as it it me. I just don't want to GAL. I am a family person.


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Originally Posted By: JulieH

Husband is doing a great job with GAL and he is immersed with work so this is probably not taking as big of a toll on him as it it me. I just don't want to GAL. I am a family person.


I am sure it is taking a toll on him but they just aren't letting us see it. I understand you are a family person so GAL with your kids. There are plenty of things you can do that don't cost money. I definitely starting to feel better if I was busy. So in my journal I actually wrote "stay busy EP!". I would take S4 to the park after dinner, walk around the mall, go to my sister's house to swim in her pool, etc. Just stay busy and make a bucket list of the things you want to do when you don't have the kids. Read a book in Barnes and Noble, (peace and quiet), take a bubble bath, paint your nails, etc.


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I always do tons of stuff with the kids. That was actually the big fight between myself and my husband. I liked to go places as a family and he did not. It is actually impossible for me not to take the boys out all day or else they would be so destructive. I'm like, queen of the state parks smile.
when the kids are not around and I'm not at work it gets depressing though.


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Originally Posted By: JulieH
I always do tons of stuff with the kids. That was actually the big fight between myself and my husband. I liked to go places as a family and he did not. It is actually impossible for me not to take the boys out all day or else they would be so destructive. I'm like, queen of the state parks smile.
when the kids are not around and I'm not at work it gets depressing though.


This is telling you something important.

To me it says, I am not enjoying my own company.

So some tough questions, again Julie you can say, no V not relevant or not now.

Why is your own company so depressing?

When did this start?

Where does this depression come from in your body?

Can you cope with a full free day at home alone?

What would it take to enjoy your own company?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi vanilla

Normally I'm pretty comfortable doing stuff by myself. Reading novels in bed is divine for me, and I have never been afraid to try things on my own. I don't have that many friends so I am used to trying new hobbies by myself. Before my boys I took Israeli combat lessons, belly dancing, yoga. I'm pretty much up for anything. I like to bike ride, and go for walks. Before I injured my knee I was a big runner and often did that on my own as well.

Sometimes I felt lonely in my marriage and I really longed for a companion. I would have loved to find things to do with my husband but he was never active or interested in things that were not job/computer/car related , so I often went alone.
Then the boys came, and everything was about them. I often felt overwhelmed. I don't feel like I got much help and lost myself. Babysitting was a challenge (one of my sons has sensory issues and taking care of him is difficult) and I ended up resenting my husband.

Right now I just don't feel like I want to do anything. I force myself to exercise and look up stuff for work but it's a struggle. Right now I don't have the attention span to read or stay up on current events. I can't eat and I have no desire to even watch t.v. I don't feel passionate about anything. I'm just obsessed with getting my husband back...which makes no sense because we never did much together anyhow.


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It would be great if you could answer the qs as I have a couple of ideas brewing in the grey cells.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Oh sorry, I thought I remembered something about him spending a couple of nights with another woman he seemed crazy about.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla


This is telling you something important.

To me it says, I am not enjoying my own company.

So some tough questions, again Julie you can say, no V not relevant or not now.

Why is your own company so depressing?

I guess it's depressing, because I am allowing it to be so. I'm wallowing in my depression and negativity for some reason. But I don't know why I am doing that. Self sabatoge? Maybe. I've grown up with and am comfortable with negativity. So maybe it is just that I don't really know anything else? Being hopeful and happy is so foreign to me.

When did this start?
Probably in childhood. Everything was always doom and gloom with my parents. They were very cynical and very practical and not very fun. Very fearful, risk adverse. I don't want to be whiny because they are in no way abusive and have done a lot to help. But it probably is why I have trouble just being happy.

I kind of find this funny so I will share this example...When my parent' s dog died, they were afraid to tell my sons that the dog went to heaven. They worried that my sons would think heaven was a good place to be and would do something dangerous without fearing the consequences of death. I kid you not smile


Where does this depression come from in your body?
I don't know if I understand this question. If I close my eyes I feel it in
My diaphragm. But I don't know if that's what you mean.


Can you cope with a full free day at home alone?
I wouldn't be able to handle being in doors the entire day. It would drag me down and depress me and I would feel fatigued. I would feel guilty and unproductive.

What would it take to enjoy your own company?

I guess if I was truly happy I would enjoy my own company.





V


Thank you V. These are difficult questions. I might need to think about them some more. i did not think I minded being alone, but realize when I am by myself my negativity takes over unless I distract myself. I am not very kind to myself.


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