My crisis kicking off her crisis is a really good way of putting it.
What I want is to help my wife get through whatever she's going through, but not at the expense of my own humanity. My only idea is to suggest some sort of joint counseling (we don't have to call it marriage counseling if that bothers my one-foot-out-the-door wife). Perhaps a good therapist could help my wife see what is going on, and/or see that a divorce would not cure those negative emotions.
Well here is the deal, you can only control yourself. You can't control her.
And of course that works vice versa too.
It is unlikely that a therapist will make her see anything that she does not want to see.
If you don't want to be better then you wont get better. My suggestion is to take the focus off of her, and work on yourself - the one person that YOU can control.
How can you make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave?
Thanks, TxHubby, for the advice. I guess I'm tired after 3 years of sucking it up. I'm just being honest in admitting that I'm tired of paying for my mistake. I know I'm never supposed to say it, but yes, I want forgiveness. After this long of period, I feel like my wife's rage really isn't about me any more. It's about something internal in her that I can't do anything about.
I understand. You can't pay forever. If that is her plan then there is no point in continuing. I also had to have that smacked into my head even though I felt morally superior because I didn't cheat. Why should I have to stop being angry? She cheated, not me. It took me a while but I realized that even though she cheated which was 100% her fault, the condition of the marriage was our fault 50/50. I made too many assumptions that everything was perfect and made too many assumptions that she was emotionally strong and could overcome anything.
You may need to set some type of schedule to either forgive and forget or part as amicably as you can. You screwed up big time, that's for sure, but you can't live like you are forever. She doesn't really want to live that way forever. Being mad all the time. I've been there. It [censored]. It eats you alive from the inside. She has to address that, hopefully with an IC, or MC for both of you. She has to really deal with that rage and then let it go. This is more advice for her than for you. The experts say it can take 2-5 years to recover from a spouse's affair. For me it was about 2.5 years. Your wife might be on the high end of that. You have to ask yourself if you can give it the full five years or do you just want to move on so that you can both find happiness. Being an eternal optimist I'm of the opinion that if you truly love her and she truly loves you then everything else can be fixed.
Trust takes time to build. And even longer to rebuild after showing you aren't trustworthy. Read up on how to rebuild trust. HINT-it takes being consistently trustworthy with even the smallest things. You say you are going to do something-you do it exactly as expected, or better. Being close is not good enough when rebuilding trust. Being late once voids a whole lot of good you did prior. Quit focusing on her reaction to what you are doing and focus on you being the best person you can possibly be in every facet of your life.
Have you demonstrated absolute trustworthiness since you betrayed her? Are you the best person you can be? With her? With others? At home? At work?
I heard it said that marriage is not 50/50 it is 100/100. You both give 100 percent to the marriage for it to work. Are you giving 100 percent? Or is it just as much as she's giving? Work on your 100 percent, not hers.
Consistent Positive Honest Punctual Transparent Caring Empathetic Forward thinking etc.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
Trust takes time to build. And even longer to rebuild after showing you aren't trustworthy. Read up on how to rebuild trust. HINT-it takes being consistently trustworthy with even the smallest things. You say you are going to do something-you do it exactly as expected, or better. Being close is not good enough when rebuilding trust. Being late once voids a whole lot of good you did prior. Quit focusing on her reaction to what you are doing and focus on you being the best person you can possibly be in every facet of your life.
Probably the best thing I have ever read on trust. Bravo! Take it to heart. Time, time, and time. And then more time. She may never be able to fully trust you without thinking about it. But then again, she may. You have to do your part in proving and limit mistakes or slips to as little as possible. You may get discouraged, but it is worth it in the long run.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I've read and taken in all that's been said, and I'm left with this fundamental question: does the Divorce Remedy apply to my situation? Do sandi's rules apply? Or am I in a different situation where more of a post-affair repair plan is the better course? I just need the right cheat sheet, so to speak.
Well, in case you don't know, Sandi is a former cheater, too. So fair warning, you may not get a lot of sympathy from the guys who were cheated on by their W. However, I think you'll get a lot of support, b/c I did when I showed up many years ago.
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I subsequently wanted to save the marriage, wife did not, but we nonetheless did counseling for about a year. She said infidelity was her deal-breaker. Over time she's said she'd be willing to stay in the marriage, but will invest only if I radically change all the things she perceives are wrong with me. I (amazingly) somehow never meet the standards she sets.
Here's the thing, your infidelity continues to be a deal breaker for her. She has not made peace with it. She still wants to punish you. She is not ready to start giving you a fair chance, even after three years of being her vomit-bucket. She treats you like the scum of the earth, and here's a news flash......you will NEVER meet her standards b/c she has you sleeping in a basement! You are a man, not an animal. As long as you act as if you do not deserve her, then she'll agree that you don't, and she'll continue treating you like cr@p. She is acting like a drill sergeant and you are dancing around to her orders. You need to make some immediate changes.
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She says only money stops her from divorcing now.
She gets to stay home and you work, a lot, to support the family, right? She's staying b/c she doesn't want to go to work. So, why doesn't she live in the basement? B/c she's the woman? B/c she's a saint? She will never respect you as a man if you continue going like this. If you have been a good provider and lived a respectable life these past three years, then why are you letting her treat you this way.
Oh, b/c she didn't have an affair, and you did? How long will you be punished for it? I can tell you. As long as you take it. So, stop taking it.
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if my pattern in the marriage was distance and non-communication, how can I do a 180 but follow sandi's rules of getting a life, not pursuing, going about my business, etc.?
You are the one who wants to save the M, not your W, right? So, I say to follow those 37 rules. Make sure, however, you read them correctly. They have been misquoted many times. For example, some people say the rules say never to contact the S. No, that's not what it says. Neither does it say you can't have a conversation with the S.
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she has asked to talk about my affair and the marriage; for a while I did, but then just couldn't do it anymore, because it just ends up in her getting really nasty toward me, which I think is not good for me or the marriage; would doing a 180 mean participating in her outpouring of anger and resentment?
I am not a LBW. So, I cannot tell you how it feels. IMHO, I think after three years, counseling, and walking her tightrope, it's time for her to stop talking about the A with you. Surely, after three years, she has had all her questions answered. I can understand her needing to vent or talk about it, but she doesn't have to do it to YOU. She can discuss it with someone else. IMHO, it is unhealthy after this length of time to prolong the agony, when she's made it clear she doesn't want to save the M. She is taking no productive steps to move forward as a couple. She still wants to punish you for your sin. I mean, if she wants a D, then why continue talking about the A, when it isn't helping matters? The LBS's may disagree and give you a better reason, but if the wayward spouse has been doing everything to save the M and the betrayed spouse has not cooperated in three years.....it's time for a change.
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if I was the cheating spouse (3 years ago), but now I want to save the marriage, do the same rules apply?
Your W has told you where she stands, which is a D (if not for the money). So, from the point forward, I think you need to handle it as if she's a WAW, unless there is something else you need to explain.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you really really love her and want to fix this then you'll have to suck it up and allow her to rage.
For three years??? When he's done whatever she demanded and she has no intentions of working on the MR? I understand a year. I understand, as a woman, the need to talk about the hurt (and adding the betrayal factor). I do not agree with him continuing just sucking it up b/c he was in the wrong. Is he suppose to pay for his sin forever, and she doesn't have to forgive and just hammers him for the rest of eternity? There comes a point that he needs to claim his position as the man of the house.
I don't agree that a woman should continue throwing rage at the H, b/c of the H - W dynamics of their R, her lack of respect, honor, and unforgiveness. At what point does it stop being her punishing him and she decides to get help for herself? It's her unforgiveness and bitterness that hurting them right now. Hell hath no fury like a wife scorned.
For those of you who was telling him to go to therapy......he did!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
