I read your thread although I don't always comment, but just had to stop by and brag on you again. You impress me so much with your hard work and humble attitude! You're such an example to everyone here.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I need help figuring this out PLEASE! I'm so frustrated right now! So Monday I made plans for D8 to go to my moms today (Friday) as I work Saturday! Tuesday he calls me saying he wants her Saturday mid morning I work so after arguing and hanging up on each other I let him know I cancelled plans with my mom I will drop her off at 8 pm. I knew he would have plans to go out as he had no kids but figures having her would be more important! So anyways he agrees to take her at 8 Friday on Tuesday! This morning at 8 am he texts me asking if my mom can watch her he will come get her after d7s soccer game because he doesn't have his kids! I'm so mad I swear steam came out of my ears! Yes my own fault for saying she will come on a night I know he would want to go out and has no other kids! BUT he did agree and waited for this morning before even discussing it! I sent him a message stating I would not ask them as I asked them and already cancelled for him if he is unable to watch her she can come Saturday evening when they are back from the orchard! He then asked what time she would be there! Obviously I was angry and not thinking! I did contact my mom again to see if she would take her as that is what d8 would want to do anyways is go there instead of his house! Now my real question is how can I state the boundary that we made plans Tuesday I do not appreciate being contacted while at work the day of to change plans and I find it disappointing angering and disgusting that going out with his gf is more important than sticking to plans I have already told d8 about!
What I would like to say is: I do not appreciate making plans with you on Tuesday you agreeing to said plans and then contact of me the morning of asking to changes those plans! I also feel frustrated you asked for D8 I rearranged the plans I had for her to accommodate you and then you again ask me to change plans simply so u can go out! I feel the kids should come before you going out! I have made plans with my mom to pick her up from school you need to pick up her up at xxxxx at 830 am before d7's soccer game!
4, I don't think telling him you're frustrated, or dictating how you feel things out to work, or any of this is needed.
STBX and I have a schedule. We stick to it. That's that.
If she asks me for an adjustment I say yes or no. If I say yes then I am not upset with her for asking. If I say no then she does what she needs to do. It works both ways.
If you decline an adjustment and he FAILS to keep the schedule then document that and get legal advice on what to do.
But take the emotion out of it. It's not for you to decide how it should work, what his priorities should be, etc. It's for you to be a good parent and flex when appropriate: occasionally, for the best interest of the children, when it doesn't negatively impact you, and when that flexibility is reciprocated for everyone's overall benefit.
If you don't have a set schedule or don't follow these practices it's on you to tighten in up. But please do eliminate all the emotion from any communication and stick to business. That means "I feel" statements as well as "you should". Facts. For the children.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It's not really a boundary to state, you just have to live it.
If you have plans, don't change them for him unless you think it's really, really important for D8.
If you know something, communicate, don't assume. Like here, you say "I knew he would have plans to go out as he had no kids but figures having her would be more important!"
I would have asked, "But you don't have your own girls that night - do you want D8 then?"
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I have not been on much as my computer died. So a little update. I thought I was doing well detatching but this weekend proved to me that is not even close to the truth. We have had a few disagreements on Ex stating he does not want to hang out then asking us to stay for dinner on Tuesdays. This Tuesday I will be saying no. I can not agree to hang out only on his terms. Also Saturday we went to the orchard for D5's birthday. He confronted me because I would not even look at him or speak to him....Ummm why should I lol. I told him I was not upset (that was the truth) but I am just being cautious. Sunday was her party and He invited OW as her kid had gone to orchard and was at the party. She was introduced as her childs mom so he still has yet to tell everyone. which I find kind of weird as I have been gone a month and she has tagged pictures of them together no facebook with her daughter for homecoming. I was very upset he did not even have the respect to give me a heads up that she would be there instead his mom met me outside to let me know. I was so so angry with him I came home after and bawled my eyes out. It hurts me so much to think someone is taking my place and I am one step closer to not saving this R. I decided instead of ignoring him I need to put more effort into smiling and light conversation. Last night when I stopped by to drop off my daughters bag for school he was in bed so I went back to let him know I dropped it off. He started talking about the party and how well the kids were and blah blah. So I sat down on the bed and we talked for a good 20 minutes. It was nice light conversation. I felt much better about myself when I left due to keeping it friendly positive and light. I made sure I left before he could end the conversation. I had left my car running so I told him my car was running I needed to get going so I could be the one to end the conversation.
This weeks plans include all of D8's activities Al-anon and a concert with a friend. I am loving getting out and doing things. I am also continuing to work through CD no more and reading the 5 love languages book. V I will get back to your suggested website. I love it also so much information. I had become very overwhelmed by all of the reading and information from books websites and all the different problems I was trying to fix. I am picking one right now. Me and being positive. I have lost 19 pounds from my heaviest weight much more to go but it is a start.
My goals for this week are: 1. Get moved out of the camper into the house 2. Organize my room 3. Go for two walks. 4. pay my bills 5. Eat at home three times this wee 6. Attend counseling session 7. Attend Al-anon 8. Compliment daughter on one thing a day 9. Read 2 chapters of 5 love languages, take notes and make sure I understand 10. Re read one chapter in DB 11. Have to pleasant interactions with Ex (already had one, and today I am at the house for about half hour while he is here so I may be able to complete this)
Long term goals 1. Lose 40 more pounds 2. Become a woman only a fool would leave 3. Save my relationship 4. Forgive myself, father, and Ex 5. find serenity and peace 6. Have a healthy R with Ex 7. Go back to school (paralegal) 8. Find a better job 9. Become a better parent 10. Anger Management 11. Change co-dependent behaviors
V haven't heard from you in a while hope your doing ok and know I am not upset with you at all! I defiantly see and understand what you were saying! In fact it was made even more clear to me last night! He accused me of telling people be kicked me out! I have never said that I have said he has told me to leave several times but it was my voice to actually do it! He said his mom told him that! I did confront his mom about this as it was no what I said and informed her I am trying to fix me and do best for me! I am trying to salvage at least our friendship and I do not need things that are taken out of context to cause a fight between us! She states it was partially her fault she has no idea how it got brought up but they had a long talk! I'm not sure what they talked about but find it kind of funny for all the times he says he doesn't care about me or our friendship that I was brought up in a conversation! It could have even been talking bad about me or good I have no idea and never will but for not wanting anything to do with me I find it weird to say anything about me good or bad! Just another lesson learned be careful how you word things!
Today we did have a positive interaction which makes two so goAl accomplished! We all had dinner at his parents house for d5's birthday and I went to the house and got his girls clothes and what not called to let him know and he asked me to switch laundry over Grrr I need to learn to say NO!
I also sent a good morning text have a great day and for the first time in a month he did respond with good morning have a great day! I know it means nothing but ate sat it was a response! I won't text the rest of the weekend as I will be busy busy!
I also stood up for what I wanted with a friend tonight which I never do! My daughters dad bought me two tickets to a concert and I asked a friend to go! She asked tonight if her husband could go and just hang in the hotel I really wanted it to be a girls weekend plus he always makes everything miserable when he is with is so I said NO! Hmmm I may be learning something along the way!
I also got another great experience on how not to speak to ur partner! I had a couple standing behind me at d gymnastics and her h was telling her about his job and she turned around and said I wish u didn't tell me these things at night i stress about them and then I can't sleep I had patients telling me how horribly exhausted I was and went off on a tangent all about her! I thought to myself hmmm that would be me I don't want to be like that anymore! She turned his conversation into a pity party about her! I felt like I was looking in a mirror! Must chosw to change this also! I felt bad for the h!
Hi 4my, sorry not to have posted on your thread recently. I do read along though and it sounds like you are doing well. I liked the goals you posted and it is great to see some short term, practical ones that are mainly about you and your D.
The one thing that popped out at me from your update above is.....texting your ex to say Good Morning.....and that he replied for first time in a month.
It read to me that you are pursuing with texts like that and that he only occasionally responds. In DB terms, this is a dynamic that you may want to think about changing? What does change mean? Not initiating contact unless it is needed about the kids or another practical and business matter.
I think this comes back to the codependency theme, which you are doing some great work on. You want to maintain that link of contacting him and him responding. Just something to maybe explore further.
Anyway - good for you with all the positive work you are doing xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
HI Sotto. Thanks for getting back to me. I think it was pursuing in a way and testing the waters kind of also. I was also discussing this with my Al-anon leader and she said the same things. I/we have been so inconsistent. I am setting a goal to not text or call for one week. I will also not be at his house on Tuesday this week due to working. So there will be no reason for face to face contact either. so we will see how I do. I have met a few of my goals. Al-anon IC 2 positive interactions moved everything in from camper and it is all put away laundry done room organized, ate at home 3 times, and read one chapter of 5LL. So more reading and more complimenting daughter. I will be away for a concert this weekend but she will be at her dads. So it works out!
