Mustardseed Sprouting

[mustardseed]

Yes He is. I know it. I'm trusting it to the best of my ability. But the lonliness is still tough to bear.

I woke up this morning, on my first born's birthday, to an empty house. The first birthday morning I didn't get to give him a hug and a kiss.

I will see him for a couple of hours after school, but my heart is breaking today. this isn't how it is supposed to be. H is the one who should be gone--he's the one who wanted out in the first place. I shouldn't be the one alone.

[claire7]

I'm sorry MS. I feel you. I considered asking for a provision in our parenting agreement that my D4 would always sleep at my home on the night before her bday so she'd wake up with me there.
It suxx.

Treat yourself nicely today-- it's a day to celebrate you as well! And plan something special for your son for this evening.

Hang in there.

[Vanilla]

Msd,

It will change, WH can not hold his mask forever, and already the scuzzy is ducking and diving.

This is only a short stop on the journey, love of your children will show fruit. You are not wayward. You are a terrific loving brave woman and mother.

Hugs

V

[mustardseed]

Thank you all for your support. It was an emotional day, but I had a nice afternoon with my boy! After I dropped him off I had a training to go to, so it was a good distraction. Yesterday I survived my first soccer game with OW scowling in the corner and H not even showing up. Light and breezy, that is how I go into these things. I am sure people are talking about my sitch, and I really don't care. Let them talk. I am honest about what is happening if they ask, but I am being careful to not be catty or talk about her or H. Even though I really, really want to.

I think I am handling myself with dignity. Keeping the focus on the kids. Not letting her get under my skin. Although, I do get satisfaction in knowing that I am socializing among the crowd and she is off by herself in the corner. We have a lot of shared friends, and I will not make them take sides. At the end of the day, they will make their own decisions about the situation.

I am practicing forgiveness. It isn't there all of the time, but when I am in these situations I keep telling myself, I forgive her for what she did. I am going to be in a better place because of what happened, so maybe I should even thank her. I think it is helping me relax when I have to be around her and hopefully I come across as the bigger person in my body language. And it doesn't seem to hard to do when I am in the situation, but after I leave I realize how exhausted I am and need an emotional release, so it does take a lot out of me.

Then again, I am probably completely vain to think people are consumed with my life and reading into everything I do, but I've seen other couples go through this, so I know that there is definitely talk--just probably not as much as I fear.

[mustardseed]

I've had a busy week so far. This is a very good thing, even though some of the things I was busy with were not ideal. Working with my lawyer to try and get me some support and the stuff that was promised me back in August. Dealing with WH who picks and chooses what situations needs to be dealt with. Either he or his lawyer is just ignoring our proposals which means we will probably have to file a motion. I suspect that his attorney needs more money--and knowing H, he ain't paying. So I don't know what is going to happen. What I hope doesn't happen, is that our court date gets pushed off yet again. I want this OOP removed immediately and the fact that the court dates keep getting moved is just dragging it on. I have a pit in my stomach everytime the kids ask if I can drop something off for them. I know I can't go by the house, but when it comes to the school I am still fuzzy on when I am allowed to be there--since he works there. If I am there dropping something off that the kids left at my house on a day that they are with him and there are not special events going on, can he somehow twist it into me stalking him at his work place? I know it is crazy, but I am now paranoid about it now. So yesterday I had my son meet me across the street from the school to drop off his phone charger--just to be safe. I really want the order to be dropped so I don't have to be on edge like that.

I also am starting to carry balances on my credit cards. I got charged my first interest on one of the cards today and it really pisses me off. Because he owes me money. Because this balance never would have been carried if I didn't have to go buy things I already own, just because he is holding on to stuff that he already told me I could have, but refuses to arrange a time when I can get in there to get it. And when I ask, he either ignores or plays dumb.

But other than that, things are good. I am still loving my home, and the kids are starting to get used to it--I'm still hoping to get the schedule changed so I have longer stretches with them, and that some of the times when I don't have them is on weekends so I can at least do some socializing. I have some GAL things planned this week. Tonight, actually, I am going to a local comedy show where someone I know is performing. That should be fun--and I also have a meetup group dinner scheduled for next week. It is just really hard to find things to do during the week, when I don't have the kids. I am hopefully going to start working within the next couple of weeks. I took some of the training courses last week and I think I am starting to get my confidence back enough to jump in. But I just have to wait until I get the liability insurance--mailed the check yesterday.

[Ggrass]

Welcome to the world of hokey pokey, the l love it.

I'm still going round in a circle, after nearly a year. He pretends to be senile. He states all sorts of reasons why I'm not even entitled to things he doesn't despute are mine.

Round and round just let him go, as if it goes to court he will be laughed out. Being the reasonable one always works on your side. Not paying Cs and just being a dick or a jerk goes against him and judges will often penalise and give you costs.

Sometimes the best action of course is do nothing and lay low. your doing ok by the sounds of it.

[Vanilla]

Msd

When things start to change then you will be surprised how fast that happens.

It's going to be ok.

I suspect your cool demeanour is driving OW crazy loco. How delicious, let it energise you.

V

[Ggrass]

The onward up wards attitude will be messing with h story's and ow head.

Actions my dear, stay classy. Kick ass heels, cute out fits groomed to an inch past perfection.....

Grace honour dignity. My fave motto from db.

[mustardseed]

I love the support I get here. It has been a tough couple of days. H really still knows how to get under my skin. Last soccer game OW's H (maybe xh, maybe stbxh--I don't know) was there. First time I saw him since I accepted that she was defintely a huge reason from my D. Now I never really spent much time with him outside of the friendly hello's--and I might be reading into things, but he seemed to go out of his way to say hello to me. I wonder what he knows. I wonder if we should chat. I think it is better if we just let it go. OW was in her corner with some mutual female friends, so I sat on the bleachers with all of the H's. I felt like the outsider this time, but then some other mom's showed up so it wasn't so bad. I had to leave at half time to catch the football scrimmage at another school. H is the coach. I got there just as they were coming off the field, I tried to get to the field to say hi to my S, but they moved off too quickly.

I made it back to the soccer game in time to catch the last couple of minutes. Of course, as I was walking up to the field H and S drove by me in the golf cart. I asked if he was going to the soccer game, and H made this whole frantic--no time to stop I am super dad having to get the kids to all of their activities--um, yes that has been my life for the past 13 years yet I managed to still take the time for friendly greetings. Of course, when he got to the soccer field he had time to stop and chat with OW--with S in the golf cart--violation of the orders we wrote up. But I kept my mouth shut.

As soon as he saw me approaching the field, he sped off to the other side of the field so again I didn't get to greet my son. The game ended. The girls won, I made my way across the field with the rest of the parents to congratulate--and he sped across the field and snatched her up before I got there, then drove her back to the house.

So yes, bitterness has been growing inside of me. I am angry. And I hate that he still has this kind of power over my emotions.
I walked back to my car, and OW's H walked by my and again seemed overly eager to say goodbye. Maybe he wants to piss her off. Maybe he knows something. Maybe he just wants to make them squirm--I know I do (but not in front of the kids). Or maybe he really was just happy to start showing his face again in the school community and is just being friendly with the people he began to lose touch with because of her. Or maybe I just read way too much into everything these days. I'm overly sensitive.

Then I was supposed to have the kids tomorrow, but I guess H didn't realize. And he was pissed. He didn't bring me the dog. When I offered to go back to the house to make it easier for him since he was running late for practice, he drove off on that effing golf cart. I also told him that he needed to call his lawyer. He responded by sending me a text saying I am not supposed to be talking about lawyers and not being allowed at the house in front of the kids.

I wrote a text saying, "I will discuss that with my laywer. However you are not supposed to be having interactions with OW in front of the kids, you were supposed to arrange a time for me to go back into the house to pack up my things, and you are supposed to be financially contributing to the finances involved in maintaining to homes." But then I deleted the post and emailed my L instead. I feel like I cheated myself out of an opportunity to stick up for myself--but I am so afraid of how he twists things. I hate that he still has the power to make me feel this way. Today I am second guess myself, feeling like I let him control me all over again.

I don't know how to get passed this feeling. This insecurity that I haven't felt in a long time. I also keep getting asked about how my job is going. I guess people he works with want to avoid the divorce topic so they stick with the work topic, which just makes me feel worse. No one over there knows I lost my job. I don't want him knowing what is going on with my employment prospects. I am ashamed. So this last school event was a win for them--because my self-esteem has dropped a notch from where it was.

After the games on Wednesday I went out to see the comedy show. It was good to laugh. It was an early night and I crashed at my mother's. When we got up my mother wanted to go for a walk, so we did, and then she decided that she wanted to try out my summer GAL outing and we took a round trip on the ferry. It was a beautiful morning and I could tell my mother went from being very anxious about things she is dealing with with her sisters and the aftermath of her father's death, to being calm and recharged. We both needed it. Next week we are going to go to a shrine that has a walkable rosary. So my GAL is coming back.

I also decided to start knitting again. Things to pass the time until I can start working--something that I am both looking forward to and terrified of at the same time. But once I am working again I won't feel so ashamed every time someone asks me about work.

[mustardseed]

I heard back from my lawyer about the conversation I had with H yesterday and he assured me I have not violated the OOP by mentioning in front of the kids that he should call his lawyer or suggesting I pick up the kids stuff and the dog at the house. I feel better, but it just goes to show how easily he can put me on edge and turn me back into the timid mouse I used to be. Now he needs to use the OOP as a weapon, in the past I just believed everything he ever told me.