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Last edited by Vanilla; 10/09/15 06:46 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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The effects of abuse on Fins

Abuse can paralyse fins. This post examines how abuse affects belief in self with a knock on effect in confidence. Primarily the ability to grow and develop fins and a business.

Research into ACES (adverse childhood experiences) shows that certain childhood experiences are predictive of health and emotional problems later in life. Those childhood messages can affect business and finances.

Self belief affects how we perceive self worth. Diminish self worth and there is a knock on effect. Adult abuse can affect fins, destroy wealth and value through spending and waste, childhood abuse can get in the way of building value initially.

Beliefs

1. Feelings are just feelings they need not define us. Feelings about money are universal and beliefs about money can be key to self never standing. A belief that 'a rich man cannot go to heaven (eye of the needle) can prevent wealth' or a belief that 'money makes the world go round' may have the opposite belief.

2. Money is a good pathway to self-knowledge. Of itself it has no value as a measurement, it is the sense of sufficient that is indicative of well being. Someone who always wants more and has no enjoyment of the now can be as damaged by fake beliefs as someone who thinks life must be a struggle.

3. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) can be predictive of adult outcomes. The wealth of our peers at school or family may cause damage.

4. We don’t have to be stuck in our current beliefs. Who you have been can change.
It’s so easy to stay stuck where you’ve been. That’s why it helps to work with someone who can guide you. Fins are important to discuss with IC, most accountants can manage numbers but not fins. Blockage on fins may need specialist IC.

5. Many people, no matter what their income, have money issues.
Money can be a mechanism you are using to express emotions formed in childhood.
It’s very hard to put yourself out there when, as a child, you had to protect yourself from abuse.

6. The easiest way to find a solution to an uncomfortable problem is to find out what’s going on emotionally, it is the same with money, it is a measure of how we value ourselves, our ability to treat ourselves well.

7. Adverse Childhood Experiences or Adult Abuse, there’s a real reason for behaviours, and change is possible.

8. If underlying sadness is always there, then this will reflect in the way we value ourselves. Honesty and authenticity can change our expression around money.
By looking at childhood experiences and being honest emotions, it allows me to feel more connected to other people and helps build a business.

9. Adverse Childhood Experiences and abuses make us more apt to push people away or ourselves , which perpetrates aloneness, which can hinder wealth creation.
In order to tract money, you have to let other people touch you.

10. As feelings clear and beliefs change then “bad” things can stop happening which creates shift. Shift brings change and wealth.


11. The Identity Factor – or your resistance to altering your identity as an abused child or adult may create issues around finances. Our life story of poverty consciousness attracts disappating partners rather than wealth creating ones.


12. A poverty story written over and over again can mean we never have enough despite having wealth. Why do lottery winners become broke? At some point A decision to create a different story, this may mean new life partners with healthier attitudes to wealth.

13. Ask yourself what would it feel like to have a great self-image. How we look, dress and take care of ourselves affects our standing in our own eyes. It affects our bearing, posture and self belief.

15. The first step is to acknowledge the story and belief. Accept the position. In the same way that stepping on the scalles can help establish our weight evaluating the Fin position can help with accepting our current status.

Abuse can create poverty or prosperity consciousness.

V and WhyUs on Fins and Business Damage

discussions on Vs thread on abuse and Fin recovery

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Last edited by Vanilla; 10/09/15 07:31 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Love this...Thanks V!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Scanned through the resources. Very comprehensive!

Identified many abusive aspects in my previous marriage. I scanned very quickly and I am not sure if it has been mentioned before, but there is a very strong stigma attached to being abused.

XH's outbursts would always leave me feeling humiliated. And I would often hid myself in the house and engage in anti-social behaviour in the neighbourhood because I just couldn't look anyone in the eye. On the other hand, XH could go on with life, even though the whole neighbourhood had witnessed the screaming rampages.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Post Traumatic Growth

What is posttraumatic growth? It is positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event. Although we coined the term posttraumatic growth, the idea that human beings can be changed by their encounters with life challenges, sometimes in radically positive ways, is not new. The theme is present in ancient spiritual and religious traditions, literature, and philosophy. What is reasonably new is the systematic study of this phenomenon by psychologists, social workers, counselors, and scholars in other traditions of clinical practice and scientific investigation.

What forms does posttraumatic growth take? Posttraumatic growth tends to occur in five general areas.

1. Exploration of opportunities

Sometimes people who must face major life crises develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before.


2. Positive connections in relationships

A second area is a change in relationships with others. Some people experience closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer.

3. Personal strength

A third area of possible change is an increased sense of one’s own strength – “if I lived through that, I can face anything”.


4. Living Life to the full

A fourth aspect of posttraumatic growth experienced by some people is a greater appreciation for life in general.

5. The connection to spirit or higher power

The fifth area involves the spiritual or religious domain. Some individuals experience a deepening of their spiritual lives, however, this deepening can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system.

---------------------

Most of us, when we face very difficult losses or great suffering, will have a variety of highly distressing psychological reactions. Just because individuals experience growth does not mean that they will not suffer. Distress is typical when we face traumatic events.

We most definitely are not implying that traumatic events are good – they are not. But for many of us, life crises are inevitable and we are not given the choice between suffering and growth on the one hand, and no suffering and no change, on the other.

Posttraumatic growth is not universal. It is not uncommon, but neither does everybody who faces a traumatic event experience growth.

Extracted from a post by the PTGR group

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An irreverent look at healing from game theory


Rejuvenation – Usually does 20-30% of healing. Doesn’t require a whole lot of thought, but if you are careless with it all you’re going to get is a whole lot of overheal and run yourself down. Takes 12 seconds to complete the heal. (the bulk of the healing done by a targeted, single-target heal). In DB world an unblocking post possibly with a few 2x4s.

Wild Growth – Usually does 20-30% of healing. Requires next to no thought. It is random happenings, joyous and immediate. Arises from reading a posting on another's thread or researching a resource, a book recommendation followed up or a TED talk. Used by lurkers who appy the views on anothers thread to their own sitch. Takes 7 seconds to complete the heal and 7 years to undo a bad one.

Tranquility – Usually does 10-20% of healing. No thought required. In the breaks between posting.

Swiftmend (both components) – Usually does 10-20% of healing. Swiftmend often involves making a choice. Do I refill the tank who’s dipping low and end up with the ground effect only healing 1 person? Or do I SM someone who doesn’t really need it, but is standing in a group of people? Placement of the ground heal important, but so is the ability to use it reactively for an instant, large heal. Posting a view on a popular thread or to an unvisited poster?

Lifebloom – Healing really depends on fight and assignment. Can do 5% of total healing, can do 20%. Can be proactively and reactively swapped around to whoever needs to most. Needs to be refreshed often. Taking action in RL.

Wild Mushrooms – Again, healing depends on feeling. Isn’t used at all on some, can make up 20% of healing on others (really only on one other fight though). Need to be positioned properly, need to be charged fully, need to be used at the right time, and you can’t get out of range of them. One of the trickier spells to use. For DBers a Directed post means something only to the recipient.

Regrowth/Healing Touch – Usually makes up about 5-8% of healing. Requires decent reaction/timing. A long time between the post and the reaction.


Illuminated Healing – This can make up 50% of healing done. And it’s completely passive. Using time to heal and waiting too long before action. A light bulb moment or realisation. DUH,

Priest talents – Instant, only one of them requires a target (and the target really doesn’t matter because it likes to bounce to people really far away). Hit a button and watch your raid take half a million healing in 2 seconds. Confessional absolution

Circle of Healing / Light of Dawn – Sort of the equivalent of Wild Growth except they heal instantly so are less prone to overheal. They also trigger Illuminated Healing or Echo of Light for extra free healing. Group hugs and supportive posts

Prayer of Mending – Instant, super cheap, bounces around on its own! Subject to overpowered set bonuses. Poster heals self

Renewing Mist/Uplift – RM is just like Rejuv. And it generates secondary resource. And it spreads to extra targets by itself. Is the poster not doing enough on their own? Uplift for burst healing!
Using the advice of a vet to move along faster.

Atonement – with a Guru, Master or Priest. Penance/Smite/Solace the boss for the whole thread and still outheal other healers with Atonement and Divine Aegis (especially on those who take more damage). Using a coach to move along faster.

Druids have their share of mindless healing That's us ordinary posters.

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Last edited by Vanilla; 11/14/15 09:50 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Vanilla experience of PTSD

V Experiences PTSD thread 25

Discussion with mustardseed, Ancaire, Jellybean and Greengrass on PTSD

Discussions thread 26 on PTSD

Further discussions

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Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/15 06:35 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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From Ancaire thread Dec 2015

]Oh. My. God. I just had one of the most upsetting experiences I've had with H since he decided it would be fun to ruin everyone else's life in pursuit of his happiness.

I am so happy Vanilla had warned me to be extremely careful. She said that for some reason, the minute you drop that rope, the abuser can somehow tell and they can become extremely dangerous. I am here to say that no truer statement has ever been made.

I felt it the minute I let go. It was Friday. I just decided H wasn't anyone I would choose. I've been worried about protecting him, trying to get along with him so he wouldn't be too mad at me, and basically acting like a wife. I finally realized he could care less about me. I still care, but I'm not worrying about him anymore.

What kind of man leaves a sick and frightened wife? What kind of man emotionally tortures her so that he gets what he wants, with no regard to her well-being? He abandoned me and his family in search of thrills and adventure. I want a man of character and integrity - not someone my children have to be ashamed of. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I just...let go. I didn't announce it. I didn't say a word - but somehow, he knew.

He arrived here at 6 this morning. I was not happy to see him, and that offended him right off the bat. He's been trying to force me into a very unfair divorce settlement using a variety of underhanded techniques. He sent me a threatening e-mail that I replied to on Saturday and copied my lawyer, too. Basically, we're going to have to have an emergency hearing so that he is forced to treat me nicely, give me some money, and stay away from the house until the divorce is final. I was trying to be accommodating by allowing him access to his home office to work. He wants me to leave without a penny to my name! He doesn't care about my health - he just wants me gone. I want to stay here, with my cardiologist, until my heart issues are resolved.

He burst into my room again at 8am, and informed me I needed to leave today. He ranted and raved, called me some really foul names, and threatened to get me thrown back in jail. My chest started aching because my heart was hammering, so I grabbed it, and he started mocking me. I told him to leave. He told me to be gone by the time he returned, "or else".

Thanks to Vanilla's wise advice, this entire encounter was caught on tape, I've just gotten off the phone with my L. He is in for a world of hurt now. He had the craziest look in his eye. I was truly afraid. He means me harm. So now, we're off to the exciting world of Protective Orders. I stood up for myself in that e-mail and it literally made him mad with rage.

I just sent him a text. "You are not to speak to me. You cannot be civil. Email or text only. Advise me when you plan to be around. I will not be abused by you anymore. I've had it. No contact, period."

His response? Find another place to live.

My L says his behavior, along with the tapes I have, is going to cause a judge to weigh against him in a way he's not going to like. I'm actually glad about it. Kind of sick to my stomach, truly, but happy he doesn't get to abuse me like this and just go on his merry way.

I thought Vanilla was talking about worst-case abusers. I guess she was - I just happen to be married to one for the moment. I am shaking so hard right now. I'm in shock, I know. I never imagined he could be so cruel. Who is this person? For the first time, I'm looking forward to being free of him. He's lost it. Lost all control of me and is furious. Why on earth would he care? He wanted to be rid of me so he could be happy with OW(s). I guess I was supposed to stay in reserve in case it didn't work out the way he hoped. I don't know.

I found my backbone. I just hope I live through the experience.

------------------------------

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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PTSD from Pigpens thread

Revealing the NLP technique that helped V on her supermarket moment

Pig Pens thread and trauma release
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Last edited by Vanilla; 12/21/15 06:57 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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From Schermann

Well it's been a while. smile

Life is going fine. The divorce is final as of Nov 3. Everything went according to plan.
For those who aren't familiar with my situation, my ex is "high-conflict" and the marriage wasn't one that should be saved. I got proactive and my threads would be worth a read if you're in the same situation.

I have physical custody of S7 and the Ex is paying me child support. Quite a ways from how this all started... where the ex was expecting me to be paying her.

The adoption process is starting for real at this point for FS9 and the boys are constantly referring to themselves as brothers. I even introduced them to the phrase of "brothers from another mother". They giggled about it.

As for the ex, she moved into the BF house before the ink was even dry. Still attempts to act like a tyrant/controlling. It doesn't get her very far... she gets frustrated and blows up. Blames me for everything, blah, blah.

Over the course of the summer she only had S7 over to her house 13 nights. She visited somewhat regularly for a few hours here and there, but I basically signed up for all the time I could and documented it. So when it came time for custody, that was established as me. This went a long way leading up to the custody trial and she was looking at a large sum of money every month. To get her to sign, I negotiated a lesser amount, but had to sign prior to trial. I also have a clause in that after 24 months it goes to state guidelines unless otherwise agreed to. Privately I told her to leave me along and to behave around S7... then I'd negotiate... otherwise it will go to the max. Good behavior lasted about 2 weeks after she moved in with the BF.

So I wanted to share some thoughts/recommendations.

  • Get familiar with Sandy's rules.
  • I've observed a lot of men turn into "mush" for too long before snapping out of it. You can't do this for your kid's sake.
  • Don't assume that you have to follow the stereotypical "guy" looses access to his kids and pays through the nose. You can make a difference.
  • Get familiar with your states custody determination laws. They matter and work towards putting things in your favor.
  • Get engaged with your kids.. You'll be their best emotional support if you do this.
  • Target 50/50 shared cost/care out the gate. Develop a documented track record of what you do with your children (i.e. make spreadsheet, notebook, etc.). This will give you the best shot at having the smallest child support payment and let you enjoy life with your kids if the worst comes to happen. It might also be possible for you to get more (as in my case), but you have to know what the criteria is and how determination is made in your state. MI has very clear criteria.
  • Do a little research on attorney's and pick one that is known to fight for their clients. I've heard a lot of stories about how the lawyer failed to do a good job
  • Do a little research on the most likely judges (for me it was more advantageous to file in a specific county).
  • Do not sign away any legal custody rights... you'll regret it later. I ran across a guy who did just to get it over with and now he has an uphill battle just to get visitation.
  • Be smart and own your reactions. Take the high road and learn not to respond to bait... you're feeding the beast so-to-speak and this doesn't help. My threads have some good ideas that might help.
  • If your STBX/EX is high conflict, be very careful about being alone with them... i.e. don't do it. Some have been known to hurt themselves, call the cops, and then blame you.
  • Get educated on what high-conflict means (cluster B personality disorders) and what you can do about it. There are resources out there and a quite a few books.
  • I made it a point NOT to date until the divorce was done. Reduced the amount of potential leverage my ex had for the custody discussion... which mattered to my particular judge.
  • Don't loose hope for you... There's always a bright side if you look. That doesn't mean things will go back to how they were and would you really want that? I'd say that regardless of whether it's with your former partner or not, the relationship has to be different to make it really work. Or you'll be back in the same boat.


I'm sure there's more, but this is what's come to mind as I'm writing this. smile

If anyone has questions, ask. I'll do my best to answer them. But just my 2 cents.

I'm starting to get serious about dating. It's going to be an adventure with the boys and figuring out babysitting. But I'm going to be meeting someone this weekend. We've been chatting for several weeks and we seem to fit very well. So I can't complain.


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Thank you Schermann for the update

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 12/23/15 08:32 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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