As you are only beginning to realise, you are on a voyage of discovery that you didn't ask to be part of and may grow to see what in some small way a blessing, as it will illuminate a path towards self improvement and awareness.
You are probably experiencing every possible emotions, separately and at the same time, plus a degree of disorientation. Some of this will be due to the recent events in your life and some because of lack of sleep, how much are you actually getting? The timing of your posts suggest it is sporadic bouts at best...
Your temptation will be to think that your situation (sitch) is different to everyone else's, the good news and sadly it's not. There will be a handful, at least who will have experienced or are experiencing what you are right now.
The reason Cadet posts so many different links in his initial post on your thread is to give you some reading material to help you to come to terms with your sitch and enable you to piece together what you actually want and where you want to head. Take the time to read each one of the threads and become familiar with them as they will often be referred to by every one here as they are worth their weight in gold.
You seem to have a pretty solid idea at present of where things are heading, this may well change, or not, either way Divorce Busting (DB'ing) is there to help those who are left behind by their spouse (LBS) to rebuild themselves and make themselves better people in life and in their next relationship (R).
As you are doing already, keep on posting everything you feel as it will, in part, enable you to understand what has happened and why; one thing is for certain, there is no magic pill, it won't happen overnight, time is an important (if not the most important) component.
If you stick around, you'll make some great friendships and get insight that would not be possible without the anonymous nature of this forum.
I am looking forward to reading more about your sitch and, hopefully, along with the others, helping you to get to where you want to be.
Thank you Avanti for your very kind words. They truly made me feel better. I look forward to making new friends in here. Yes it is a struggle but one of my friends described it as well as a new journey. It is still hard to believe that WW became so distant, cold and mean towards the ends without any notice
How good is DR? I thought it was for couples who are trying to get back together. I don't want to get back together with the WW
It is. But it isn't. The information in the book is fairly universal about how to live your life. Even if you don't want WW back, there is a ton that will help you in future Rs.
Also, just because you don't want her back today doesn't mean you won't want her back tomorrow.
I don't think I want her back because WW deceived, betrayed and lied to me for many months. She may also have a boyfriend. Right now all I feel for her is anger, bitterness and a lot of hurt. She was willing to throw away a 15 year marriage like toilet paper. WW gave no regard to anyone but herself. She made ridiculous comments in her emails about how this was " the only choice I had" which she had put on the tail end of her pathetic attempt to feel guilty for what she did. The truth is she unilaterally made decisions on our marriage based on her own selfish narcissistic needs. I didn't have a say or a chance to say anything. She was never a good communicator not did she voice out her concerns/issues with me during this time she was planning to do what she did.
Is it OK to ask you a question? If so consider this, if you were sitting somewhere people watching and you saw someone who was angry would you think they were capable of, or making good decisions?
I am not saying, "don't be angry", it is natural to be in such a frame of mind, you should acknowledge it and allow it to take its course.
Even though you think your mind will never change, it probably will (to what is uncertain) once you have had time to let the anger out. If you aren't convinced of this, did you think that you'd ever feel the way you currently do about your W on the day you were married?
Keep posting Mars, it's all part of your process and there are many here who want to help, allow us to share your load, even for a while, it may help you in more ways than you can imagine.
There are many here, including me, who would testify to feeling exactly the same as you at one point and they changed, in no small way, as a result of posting and realising others felt the same. It's all anonymous, so you can say what you like, no one gets offended.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Mars - Have you ever felt hungry? Or tired? Do you ALWAYS feel those ways? I'm guessing no.
My point is that feelings change. So it's good to acknowledge them. It's good to understand them and where they come from. But it's not good to make actions based on them. Because they change.
And THAT is why you should take your focus off your W and put it on you. And DR is a good guide about the kinds of things that you should do to work on you.
Thank you Avanti for your thoughts. I guess I should say that nothing is definite in this world certainly not in mine. The fact is I did not want to be the typical angry ex who is filled with hatred and bitterness. I just can't afford to be bitter and filled with hatred for different reasons but mainly for my physical health.
Azzork- Thank you as well. Since the separation, I have been tryng to focus on me. I have moved out, stayed close to my friends and family and focused on my work. Just this past week, I have been overwhelmed with these feelings of loneliness that I have not felt in some time. I believe it was triggered by the last email I received from the WW. Nothing has changed but her lines of " I think I am going to file in a couple of weeks..." with a happy smile on the end of the sentence left me feeling somewhat nauseous.
I have been told not to care about her or what she does now with her life but is is hard. I make plans but there are days when I know I won't be going out. I guess I have to embrace it. This whole situation has left me feeling in a rotten place. I am really REALLY trying to keep my head above the water but it is very hard.
Yes... I am angry. I am angry with WW because I never thought she would do what she did. I have not been this angry in a long time.
Last night I was having thoughts about what my WW has been doing (either out with a guy or not). I am having a hard time trying to let go of these thoughts. I know that it is not my business anymore but it is had. Any suggestions?
Last night I was having thoughts about what my WW has been doing (either out with a guy or not). I am having a hard time trying to let go of these thoughts. I know that it is not my business anymore but it is had. Any suggestions?
Mars I am really sorry that you are here and having these thoughts I can assure you most of the people here at one time or another gave had similar thoughts I know I have....
First this may or may not be happening Worrying about it is not going to change the above If she is going to do this then she will there is nothing you can do t control this
When you start thinking about these thoughts try to put a big stop sign in your head or try to think of something else you cannot have two thoughts in your head at the same time
I am not the best DBuster but I have been given so much great advice that without it I know I would not be here quite literately
You will get through this you will be ok
You will find many people here who will help you
The weekends are quiet
Stay strong my friend
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
The fact is I did not want to be the typical angry ex who is filled with hatred and bitterness. I just can't afford to be bitter and filled with hatred for different reasons but mainly for my physical health.
You are on the edge of anger and heading toward denial, once again you need to accept this is part of your journey, don't rush it, embrace it and know that it's all part of the process try to escape it will simply make it longer and more pain full.
Originally Posted By: Mars
Last night I was having thoughts about what my WW has been doing (either out with a guy or not). I am having a hard time trying to let go of these thoughts. I know that it is not my business anymore but it is had. Any suggestions?
These types of thoughts haunt us all in the beginning especially and the quicker you bring them under control the better. What starts out as a dark thought, goes round and round in your head and each time it makes the circuit it gets embellished to a point where it blocks out all other thoughts and makes for a miserable place to be.
Breaking this cycle can take many forms, praying, spiritual or non-spiritual meditation or simple thought replacement, take some time to research what might work for you. After a bit of practice you will learn to quickly recognise these unwanted thoughts and then can gently deal with them to stop them becoming mental monsters. Finding what worked for me was one of the biggest steps for me, I felt transformed within a few days as it felt like I'd got back control of my own grey matter. If you aren't sure what route to take, ask on her and you'll get plenty of advice and things to consider.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
