I’ve been reading many posts and have finally got the courage up to tell my own story. I’m 47, have been married for 17 years and have a 15 year old son. I’m English and went to work in a European country around 25 years ago. I meet a local girl and after a stop start relationship, including a weekend affair by her, we married eight years into our relationship. We were happy and had a son together.
I believe she wasn’t diagnosed with post natal depression as her character changed gradually until she finally went to a psychologist six years into our marriage and was diagnosed as depressed. I dedicated most of my time to our son, she became increasingly busy at work. We failed to work at our marriage, she accused me of being impossible to talk, I said she was never around etc (how I wish I could turn the clock back!) Finally in late 2008 she said she wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. She denied there being anyone else, I cried and pleaded (basically all the wrong things I could) After a couple of days she admitted there was someone else but wouldn’t say who.
Eventually I found someone who had been through the same experience and learned to calm down and wait. He put us in contact with a marriage counselor. My wife went reluctantly as she was still seeing the OM. She explained there that he had failed to leave his wife and she didn’t know what to do. She believed you either love someone or you don’t.
Her psychologist had told to not be so stupid and work to save her marriage and family but she couldn’t see it.
After about five months, including a few days holiday to think, she admitted the OM was her boss who was about 13 years older. Her boss told his wife who insisted that my wife was sacked and he decided to stay in his marriage.
I gave her time, still loved her and after a short time she found a new job. Our home life carried on as easily as ever, our son never knew, we still did things as a family etc. Some of her family knew and thanked me for standing by her. After about a year, she decided she wanted to leave, didn’t go on holiday to my family and stayed at home. I had to explain to my parents why and asked them not to change in their treatment of her. She went one morning to ask her sister if she could stay but changed her mind the same day. Sinks then we have been together for the past four years, we haven’t had sex but with time she did do some things for my pleasure but said she didn’t want me to do anything for her. We’ve laughed together, been out with friends and watched our son grow but always avoided talking about us. I always greet and say good night with a kiss, we sometimes hug etc. About three weeks ago I asked for some affection and she returned to the I love you, you are wonderful and my best friend but love either is or it isn’t conversation. She talked of leaving as she can’t imagine that I am happy as we are now but didn’t come to a decision. I’ve read Michele’s book and see us as being LRT or beyond. I’ve always wanted my son to grow up in a loving house and he has. I hate to think of him being damaged in his teenager years by our selfishness. Of course I’m scared of change, in a foreign country where I dedicate most of my time to work and family, I’m quite reserved with strangers and don’t have many friends outside of our circle. I’m trying focus on my own mental state following advice posted here but I’m beginning to lose heart.It is has been a few days since I kissed her or sent a message at work. I think she thinks I'm just been miserable although I still smile and chat with her and son.Is it worth trying anymore or time to let go?
Last edited by Cadet; 10/09/1509:12 AM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks I read the book this week along with many of the links you've posted. This has been going on so long that I'm not sure what applies to me anymore. What does anyone think?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Edit
As far as depression goes, you didnt break her and cant fix her.
In general - Let Go, she will either fix herself or she won't. There is nothing you can do to make her want to change.
Update. We are separating today. She has admitted that she has restarted her affair with the OM even though he has been in other relationships since her. She feels she wants to try to be happy again. She loves me as a friend and we're going to try do everything amicably. Sleepless night together and a lot of hugging. Today we are going to talkt to our son.
Listen please listen I am the worst at taking my own advice but I am trying to come to terms that my marriage is over she has to be the one to fix it and right now she does not want to do this my W has had enough
Now getting a life outside your marriage is a must it is something that I am working on myself it is as hard as you want to make it.....me I am digging in my heals but I am slowly coming to terms with things
The more you can detach the easier you will find things later
This is not easy I have four kids the youngest is two for me my sitch is breaking my heart for the reason I will not see my kids so much forget me and the W right now I am feeling for my children and the fact that I will see them less
Join a club look at meet ups in your area .....I cannot give any advice on the turning your feelings off that is hard buddy it really is .....
I try to see her as a neighbour or a lodger but .....shakes head .....25 years I have known her so for me to detach may take me years I really do not know
I am sorry you are here but you will be ok you are amongst friends
Take care
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Thanks Wet and Ghost Nearer 7 years! Yes it has been tough. Our son never expected it when we told so it was heartbreaking to see him change from talking enthusiatically about holiday plans to stunned silence. We've all talked and hugged together and she will move out in a couple of days to a friend or her sister's.Maybe even her exboss although she says he lives too far way at the moment,he is waiting on an apartment and then they'll move in together.Feeling very alone. Living in a foreign country I've made a few friends but when I gave up playing on a sports team some fell away. Had a good friend in another couple but the wives didn't get on so that went. Dedicated time to family so tended to go out with wife's friends.They all think she's crazy and like me (even her sister!). Last night we all went for pizza and watched a movie at home. Today we spent almost an hour cuddles together in bed. Brain is scrambled
Well she's leaving on Saturday just as soon as the new flat is ready. She says she needs to do it to find if she can live and be happy. She still has feelings for me but not as a lover more as her best friend. We've been affectionate and had some good moments with our son but the reality is she's going. It kills me inside throughout the day.She knows this guy is no good but she still wants to try. She says she'll understand if it all goes wrong and I don't want her back.She wants to see our son everyday but has given me the last word. I'm not going to say no but it is going to eat me up everytime the door opens. I don't how to act from here. I've broken all the rules by writing a letter saying how I see things from all she said. I was careful not use "I" throughout the letter but reflect her words and ideas from all she has told me but I know it won't do anything now. I just can't get hope out of my head even though I shouldn't. Don't know how act in these last days together and then after when she's with him. It's affecting my concentration on my job and takes all my effort to be strong with my son.
Well she's leaving on Saturday just as soon as the new flat is ready. She says she needs to do it to find if she can live and be happy. She still has feelings for me but not as a lover more as her best friend. We've been affectionate and had some good moments with our son but the reality is she's going.
This is part of the script, you dont want to be friends, you want a wife.
