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Uphill Offline OP
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Thank to you also as! You have been a huge help lately also. I TRY not to let either extreme get to me. It is hard at times but I think I'm getting better at this. Maybe that is why I got the hot/warm treatment today because she feels me leveling out? I kinda hope that is what it is because if I'm putting out that vibe it most likely means I am? It's hard to say for sure, any attempt to figure it out would be mind reading and we all know where that gets us!

In the meantime I will try to make you guys all proud by continuing to handle situations correctly. Tomorrow is a big test, custody day! I'm sure emotions could be at a high level. I just have to control mine and take whatever spew is in store.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Azzork, you have been a rockstar for me also! It looks like you posted while I was typing my response to as...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
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Uphill Offline OP
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Well part one of today is done and went fairly well. CUSTODY AGREEMENT SIGNED!!! It was a heart breaking moment but also felt like the weight of worry was lifted from my shoulders. I no longer have to worry if XF would hold to our verbal agreement. She now will or be in contempt of court.

Part 2 of today comes in a few hours when S4 has a doctors appointment. That will be another testing hour or two. Hoping to keep the ball rolling on a good note.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
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Uphill Offline OP
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Journaling a bit since I have been busy all weekend. Just catching everybody up a bit. Friday's appointment for S4 went well. It was a child counseler appointment and the doc thinks he has made some serious improvements over the past few weeks. The only part that kinda made me a little uneasy was when the doctor asked XF if she would be willing to bury the hatchet with my mother for S4's sake? XF replied that there's no way my mom would do that and started going on a rant. I stopped her in her tracks and looked at the counseler. I said if I hear what you are saying XF, you are doing nothing but trying to read my moms mind. Nobody can answer that question but her.

The counseler looked at me and smiled. Went about talking on a few other subjects and then came back to a similar question. This time XF's response was much different. She said they it was HER that didn't want to put the effort in instead of pushing the blame onto anyone else!

S4 and I had a busy day yesterday. Got a lot of things done around the house and then went to a BBQ all afternoon and evening. Got him up for Sunday school this morning and that is where we are now. I stay outside because if I'm in there he gets distracted too easily! Haha

This afternoon is still up in the air but I'm sure we find something fun! I'll keep everybody posted as to what he ends up picking... Paint pumpkins? Maybe I'll hang some more trim in the house? Maybe a corn maze? See what happens?


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
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Uphill Offline OP
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Found my head spinning this morning, had a long drive and the thoughts were flowing. Anything from missing XF, angry at XF, how could she do this, what can I do, what could have I done, where will I be in a year, what is best for S4, what do I want, what do I deserve, can this be fixed, do I want to fix this, if "we" fix this will it be able to be fixed with others....

Had a good weekend with S4 and that kept my mind occupied so maybe this was the floodgates opening from containing it all weekend? I hope I got it out of my system because I want to be in a better place. I feel most times like I am progressing to the stage of maybe not wanting XF anymore but then the thought of her with somebody else blindsides me.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Posts: 1,016
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Uphill Offline OP
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So through the day I have done some research. I'm definatly not a doctor, but I have mentioned this on here a few months back. I honestly am leaning towards XF having depression issues? Some of the things she does say WW. Some say more of a WAW. But when I read arcticles about how depression will affect a relationship, it is like they sat in my home a wrote thier research.

I guess my question is, has anybody out there experienced this first hand? Or am I looking down a cheese less tunnel again because there really isn't anything I can do about it anyway?

If this is really what it is she has to make the steps to healing. Make the appointments and actually go to them. (This was a problem early on in our relationship and she quit going to her appointments). Anyway, just airing this out to see if I can grab any advise...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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Cheeseless tunnel. Depression can be the result of realizing the R was failing at least much as it can be the cause of the R failing. You raising this issue w/ her will not help, even if it is true. She's got to figure this out for herself. She will read this as pursuit or an attack.

Besides, you're still trying to make this work by just getting her to change to see things your way. If only she would lick this depression, then she'll see things my way. Sorry, but even if she did deal w/ any depression, there's not guarantee that this will lead to her agreeing w/ you on saving the R.

Listen and validate, detach and GAL. Lather, rinse, repeat. That's much more likely to get her to face her issues, as she will see that she has them only if you aren't the easy target for blame about her unhappiness.

Now, if it comes to patching, then raising the subject and asking her to consider getting help is likely fine. But for now, it won't help.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Hi Uphill,

I love what asitis posted. Go with it! smile

Best of luck to you.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
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Uphill Offline OP
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Thanks guys, I knew from what I had read I can't be the one to say anything to her about it or try to get her help. That has to happen on her own. I was just wondering if the approach would be the same which you answered as. Thanks again!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
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Uphill Offline OP
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One other tidbit I want to share which still makes no difference is that she has struggled with depression since long before I had met her. Our relationship may have contributed in ways also. Other times in the past, she was able to do "just enough" to tuck it back into the closet.

What actually brought this back onto the table, I was cleaning out my medicine cabinet and came across a prescription from November of last year. I remember her having an appointment to be seen and she said that they gave her the "happy pills" again (that's what she called them). There were none out of the bottle. As I put them into the garbage I counted, she went as far as to fill the prescription but never took any of them...

Just something I felt like getting off my chest.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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