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Originally Posted By: Uphill
I Yes, that gives me a lot of opportunities to "be the better choice". I, along with most people here don't want to be a choice. I want to be the only...



I know you do, but the reality is that it is always a choice, and all Rs go through cycles where one or both aren't even sure that the other is the better choice. We then have to choose whether we go on with this imperfect person who refuses to just be the person we wanted or imagined them to be. It is that we decided, despite our doubts, despite our not being the only choice, that we choice to go on and invest in the R - or not. So, I'd say the impossible expectation is causing you more distress than anything else. And even if it were possible for two people to always think the other is the only, the reality of your sitch is that both of you are having to make a choice about whether to go on with someone that you have issues and difficulties with. So, you may think you want one thing that is likely impossible for any of us, but certainly all of us here, but you need to focus on whether you want to go on if you are "just" the better choice in her eyes. Hopefully, not forever, but that's the choice you face in the foreseeable future. Can you live with that? Can you love with that? Can you build something healthy on that? Focus on those rather than wishing it could be a certain way.

And, yes I still struggle with this too, so I know it ain't easy.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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I understand all of what you just said As, that is the type of battle I have in my head right now.


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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Another thing that keeps running through my head. IF, and that's a big IF, XF were to come to me and want to try to R. Would it just be for the financial security through the holidays? I try not to give it any head space because I see no signs of that happening anytime soon, it is just another internal battle I have within myself from time to time.

Cheese less tunnels everywhere!

I do see a positive in all the internal battles despite how messed up they get me. To me it means I am processing all the possibilities and information much better. 3 or 4 months ago I wouldn't have given any of this stuff a thought and jumped at any glimmer of hope with open arms. I'm not saying I'm not still hoping for that same outcome at some point, but I think I will be more cautious if it happens? And make sure it is for the right reasons.

Last edited by Uphill; 10/07/15 11:00 AM.

Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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I used to think the same things. I would say "What if she comes knocking on my door again, wanting to start over, what would her motives be?" Which showed me that I still don't trust her. My heart is pure, hers is not. Kick those thoughts out of your head, Uphill. The "what if's" are going to eat at you like no tomorrow.

My WW just called because my Mother invited her to my daughters B-Day party on Saturday. I already told my Mother that my WW is not welcome there. I told my WW that she isn't welcome there. Yet, once again, my Mother undermined me to invite my WW for whatever reasons. My WW is now angry again that she isn't invited and I am angry at the situation. Things happen. Don't worry about it.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
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This evenings S4 exchange has me baffled a bit. Actually ever since XF got off work does... It is her "turn" with S4 so she texted me like normal about what time works. We exchanged a few messages setting up plans and then she ended up calling. All chipper on the phone, said she was sick of typing messages out. I replied, well I think we had it all figured out anyway but ok.

So while she was on the phone she asked me if I could bring him right to her place, no biggie. (I have no problem doing a favor here and there). When I arrived with him it was all jokes and giggles and just plain weird. It was the XF I wanted to marry, not the monster who took her place?!?! Played with S4 a bit, helped him go potty. All the fun stuff haha. I came out and said about leaving, right away she wanted to walk out with me to see me off. Had S4 grab his shoes and coat. Then she sat him in my truck to play almost as if trying to prolong me staying? After about 5 minutes of small talk I just told S4 I had to go because I had a lot to do yet tonight and left...

It was nice and disheartening all at once. With her acting this way I almost wanted to stay longer but knew I had to be the one to "have to go" and not prolong it any longer. Weird to say the least!


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


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The "hot & cold" treatment is a doosy. My WW would do the same thing, she would be all sweet as can be one minute and then angry the next. It's a conflict battle with their psych, they are not sure what to do and do temp-checking.

You made the right move on leaving first and being vague. Keep it up, I am happy for you!


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,016
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Thanks for the support eye! I really appreciate your time buddy! It's almost like it happened natural for her. Nothing seemed fake or forced on her end of it. Now tomorrow she will most likely be cold and distant and it will appear forced? That seems to be the pattern lately. She will let her guard down and then catch herself...


Me 34, XF 27
Many years together
Son 4
Engaged
Not engaged
Many false starts by XF
7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life
2/17 girlfriend moves in my home


Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 239
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The best advice I can suggest is the "be distant/detached" approach. My WW will ask me what I am up to and even now I rarely tell her much. It's just a habit I got into, which is fine with me.

The hot/cold treatment does not bother me at all anymore, I won't let it. If she wants to be cold, I walk away. She wants to run hot, I'll play along to an extent, but even that is fleeting.


Me: 38
W: 32
S10 D6
T: 10 (02/2004)
M: 7 (12/2007)
Separation 02/2015
OM confirmed 01/2015,
D mentioned 12/2014
D finalized 9/2016
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,119
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You handled it well. Just be prepared that the next time she may lay into you. My W has been just fine all this week, even extending conversations. It's like she never was seething with anger. We are also supposed to meet to have another negotiation Saturday (she doesn't want to drag this on she says). Here it is Thursday night, and no word and nothing on the calendar. She knows I'm going out of town on retreat next weekend. Maybe she'll take care of it tomorrow, but she seems to blow hot and cold as you said. That is a good thing. If she had detached and moved on, this wouldn't be going on. If you can keep it from getting you off keel, just look at it as a struggle that is still playing out - no matter what she says, it ain't over yet.

So, don't ride up with the good moments or let yourself crash with the low moments. It's like standing on a pitching boat. Wave lifts one side, you bend that knee and fully straighten the other leg. Then it lifts the other side and drops the other, and you bend the leg on that opposite leg, and straighten the previously bent leg. So the sides of the boat are going up and down, but your head & trunk staying level. Hopefully, as you keep that level, the waters may calm bit by bit.

Hard to do. I still get sucked in by the nice W, only to get surprised by the angry, hostile W. But less and less.

And having her go off is actually a good thing. She reminds me that there is still work to be done on her end (and maybe mine too), and she gets to see that it is safe to express strong emotions around me because I am the calm in the storm. Not trying to calm her down, not fighting her, not getting defensive, just listen, validate, and remember that this is about her not me.

Again, good job on the way you handled it.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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No expectations. Next time could be same or the opposite. Accept it was a good interaction and try to make the next one better.

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