Had an interesting day yesterday, working on the back end of my relationship knowledge. As I'd written about a few weeks back, I sat down yesterday with an ex girlfriend. I was with this woman for five years, had an amicable split and we've been friends since. We only run into each other once a year or so but everything's cordial and well. I know her husband and have met her kids so there's nothing weird to this story.
My goal with meeting with her was to find out what was hardest about being in relationship with me.
She told me that she thought she would live her life coming second to my "to do" list. That when I was sitting next to her, I wasn't there but was thinking about my next job, project, school subject etc. At the time, I was going to grad school at night and working full time so it was a unique time in my life.
However, I remember telling her that if she hung on, my life wouldn't be like this forever. But when I got married, I had just opened up a full time business, then quickly opened a second company, then a third company as well as doing freelance work. My wife's biggest complaint was that I was never present. Low and behold I told her that my life wouldn't be like this forever and that she should just hang on.
Although both my W and this ex said they admired my work ethic and entrepreneurial spirit, neither of them felt like I could turn it off at the end of the day. Thus the need to turn it off with substances.
This is something I am working on with an IC, the insecurity that lies beneath the desire to overachieve. It was beautiful to hear this from this ex, and then to make the connection again from my marriage and realize that I have complete control over this moving forward.
Since getting sober I've gotten much more satisfaction out of my life, and trust me, I'm not "achieving" anything of real value right now. I'm not making money or producing anything or building a company, I'm simply existing and enjoying it. I don't plan on recovering from a D forever and will get back to swinging for the fences soon enough, but with only one bat, and a lot of built in down time between innings.
I'm very fortunate that this woman would meet with me and was honest with me. She also added that even though she was engaged only a few months after our split, she still thought about me every day for almost two year while questioning whether leaving was the right decision or not. I had always felt that she left and I was never thought of again, same with my current STXW.
Eye opening experience and extremely valuable.
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 10/07/1511:25 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
On the one hand I can see the pattern. I can see the benefit of understanding this if it allows you to confront some of your inner demons that compelled you to stay busy to avoid discomfort. I can see how it can be empowering to realize you can make positive changes for yourself and connect better with those around you.
On the other hand I completely reject the underlying premise which is that somehow these two women were right to leave the old PP because you were defective and couldn't meet their emotional needs.
I am so sick of this notion that we must go through a thousand rebirths and become reincarnated as the Buddha before we can have a good relationship. To me a good relationship is one in which you accept each other's positives and negatives. No one is perfect, and the idea that someone deserves better than the person they were given from God to partner with through better or worse is the work of the devil.
There, I feel better now. Keep driving when it makes sense to drive, keep growing when it makes sense to grow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
PP, I'm so very sorry that you are at this point of wondering if you are DBing or not or if it's just time to stop. I like to think though that DBing is about finding yourself again. The one you would want to be best friends with. So whether or not you're doing things actively when interacting with your W, you are finding PP. the guy we all really like and admire.
Hugs E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
On the one hand I can see the pattern. I can see the benefit of understanding this if it allows you to confront some of your inner demons that compelled you to stay busy to avoid discomfort. I can see how it can be empowering to realize you can make positive changes for yourself and connect better with those around you.
On the other hand I completely reject the underlying premise which is that somehow these two women were right to leave the old PP because you were defective and couldn't meet their emotional needs.
I am so sick of this notion that we must go through a thousand rebirths and become reincarnated as the Buddha before we can have a good relationship. To me a good relationship is one in which you accept each other's positives and negatives. No one is perfect, and the idea that someone deserves better than the person they were given from God to partner with through better or worse is the work of the devil.
There, I feel better now. Keep driving when it makes sense to drive, keep growing when it makes sense to grow.
Thanks Zeus, I see both sides of it too. In both cases, I was in unique periods of my life. In the first one, I was working and going to school. This happens to people in their late twenties that want to advance themselves. Granted, on top of it I also had some hobbies, and was distracted. In the case of my M, my W came back into my life right after I started a company. She knew that. Granted, I started two additional ones.
But, I also closed two down, the last being closed down 8 months before BD. I've also read a number of biographies in my day and so many of them talk about the craziness of a period in the author's life. A period when they were building a business, or writing their first screenplay or what have you. They talk about how their spouses were supportive because they knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that light was going to support them for a long time.
When my W left, our company was right at the point where my partner and I could start to come and go as we pleased, we were abler to chose our own hours etc. I know she left for a number of reasons, and this one frustrates me.
Still more rope to drop and detaching to do. Thanks for your thoughts.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
PP, I'm so very sorry that you are at this point of wondering if you are DBing or not or if it's just time to stop. I like to think though that DBing is about finding yourself again. The one you would want to be best friends with. So whether or not you're doing things actively when interacting with your W, you are finding PP. the guy we all really like and admire.
Hugs E
Thank you E, very much. I believe what you said about DB'ing being about me, I have forgotten this and been a bit depressed lately. However, you are correct. There is still much that I can learn and put into practice even as we continue down the road towards D'ing. I catch myself daily with thoughts that show I still have detaching to do and wanting to take actions that are clearly not in line with DB'ing.
I appreciate this post. And you.
Big hug,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You are a product of your experiences, yesterday and years ago. It may highlight areas of and for personal growth.
The evolution/revolution of PigPen is a beautiful thing. Be well, Be strong
Thank you Mutatio, I took a post it note and wrote Evolution/Revolution down on it. It will be my reminder in the days to come. You have given me a gift here and I am grateful.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Had an interesting day yesterday, working on the back end of my relationship knowledge. As I'd written about a few weeks back, I sat down yesterday with an ex girlfriend. I was with this woman for five years, had an amicable split and we've been friends since. We only run into each other once a year or so but everything's cordial and well. I know her husband and have met her kids so there's nothing weird to this story.
My goal with meeting with her was to find out what was hardest about being in relationship with me.
She told me that she thought she would live her life coming second to my "to do" list. That when I was sitting next to her, I wasn't there but was thinking about my next job, project, school subject etc. At the time, I was going to grad school at night and working full time so it was a unique time in my life.
If this is good feedback and you accept it then how can this be worked with?
What is the 180?
I can't see giving up your techniques will help. So instead how can you use this. Can we take this way of working and apply it to relationship growth?
DB says if something doesn't work change it. I sense if this works for you in one area of your life then it can apply in another.
However, I remember telling her that if she hung on, my life wouldn't be like this forever. But when I got married, I had just opened up a full time business, then quickly opened a second company, then a third company as well as doing freelance work. My wife's biggest complaint was that I was never present. Low and behold I told her that my life wouldn't be like this forever and that she should just hang on.
OK, so is there a way this could be useful? Can you build an M or R this way too?
Although both my W and this ex said they admired my work ethic and entrepreneurial spirit, neither of them felt like I could turn it off at the end of the day. Thus the need to turn it off with substances.
So don't turn it off then, just apply it in another direction. Be inventive. In which ways could you take this wonderful facility and apply it? The substance use has gone, so there can be joy in connection with your family to turn 'it' off?
This is something I am working on with an IC, the insecurity that lies beneath the desire to overachieve. It was beautiful to hear this from this ex, and then to make the connection again from my marriage and realize that I have complete control over this moving forward.
Yup!
Since getting sober I've gotten much more satisfaction out of my life, and trust me, I'm not "achieving" anything of real value right now.
I think you can reevaluate the use of "real value". I challenge you on this. This is passive investment.
Think again.
I'm not making money or producing anything or building a company, I'm simply existing and enjoying it.
And what makes you think that this is not doing any of those things!
I don't plan on recovering from a D forever
Really? Why not?
and will get back to swinging for the fences soon enough, but with only one bat, and a lot of built in down time between innings.
I'm very fortunate that this woman would meet with me and was honest with me.
She also added that even though she was engaged only a few months after our split, she still thought about me every day for almost two year while questioning whether leaving was the right decision or not. I had always felt that she left and I was never thought of again, same with my current STXW.
Reading minds again!
Eye opening experience and extremely valuable.
-----------------------------
Good!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
