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Quote:
Jeanne Safer Forgiving and not forgiving

V, thanks for the suggestion. I will explore. Interesting premise, for sure. I hope you are well.

Sunny, I have been really civil lately. I don't initiate conversations, or say hello/goodbye/goodnight, but when W talks to me, I try to sound friendly and matter-of-fact. Hardest thing I have ever done. This is in place of replying to the email she wrote to me. I liked V's reply "Thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate you expressing them.", but I just decided to let it be.

I received another anonymous text last night. I am pretty sure they are coming from OM because they typically arrive after I have seen him stalking me. I don't know if my W is aware of the fact that he is sending them to me. I am so amazed at how little there is to do about it. Cops won't file a report unless I can prove who sent them.

Originally Posted By: SunnyB
letting go of anger, hurt, fear, resentment, bitterness, grudge-holding. Because who do you want to be? You get to choose.
Hard to do in the midst of it all.

RAI


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Big sis is enjoying seeing your progress.

Much more thought, consideration before action and calm.

I confess to be being freakkkkkk about OM. Be safe, very safe.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/02/15 10:11 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I confess to be being freakkkkkk about OM. Be safe, very safe.
V,
I am being careful. Thanks again for thinking about me, Sis. I like to think that if OM had wanted to do something to me, he would have done so by now. Rather, I think that I am still very much in OMs head. He is probably trying to get a rise out of me. Perhaps he needs that to keep his relationship with my W going. Perhaps he thinks he is defending WWs honor (I know, what honor???) by harassing me. Or...perhaps he just has too much time on his hands. He is an unskilled, uneducated, unethical loser, so nothing is beneath him.

We are getting closer to a 4-way meeting with the Ls. Pretty nervous and not sure what to expect. Not even clear on what the objectives of the meeting are. I hope I can control my anger and disgust. I have been doing pretty well in that category.

I think I had asked about this in the past, but does anyone use a D (as opposed to a DB) coach?

RAI


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Saw this in vise82's thread. It is pure gold. Thanks Sandi! Reposting in my thread for posterity. Heck, I think I will print it and paste it inside my eyelids so I can see it when I sleep.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
What do you mean confident especially with her?

In his interaction with her (male to female), but some includes a wider span. To name just a few..... making arrangements/plans for dates, instead of leaving everything up to her; he is decisive; he is not co-dependent; how he handles himself socially; how he pursues her; how he handles small rejections; how he talks to her, as well as others; standing his ground; taking care of his business; and how he acts in their bedroom. (Of course, for a LBH, he would not date and pursue her). He is not afraid of her. He won't allow her to hen-peck him. He does not take the passive way out; He is not afraid to disagree with her; He is not afraid to override her decisions concerning finances, family, home, etc, when needed. He is not afraid she'll be upset with him, or she'll get angry. He does not avoid conflict with her. He is not afraid to speak up. He is not afraid to call her out on her bad behavior/treatment. He doesn't measure his self-value by what she thinks of him. He doesn't sob, fret and wring his hands, beg, whine, or scream, in her presence. (This does not include suffering, losing a loved one, etc.) He isn't constantly asking her what she's going to do....what she's thinking...if she's changed her mind, etc. He knows how to take-charge, if needed. Although he is considerate, he's not afraid if he doesn't check in with her throughout the day, and/or always asking her what she thinks before he makes small decisions for himself. He is not afraid to GAL apart from her and/or the kids. He does not walk on eggshells.

I think the man she sees in private, and the one she sees interact with others....should resemble each other.


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I bought a laundry hamper for my room. I have had it for over a month. I am paying for a cleaning lady even though my W is home all day. Somehow it escapes my W to tell the cleaning lady that there is another hamper full of clothes to wash. Every time I come home, I find the hamper full and untouched. I have brought it up in the past. I think my W is conveniently forgetting to tell our helper about MY laundry or worse, is telling her to ignore my laundry. I am very angry about it. I know it would be vengeful to fire the cleaning lady and make my SAH W do more work.
It speaks to the larger issue of cake eating. W still uses credit card, cell phone, cleaning lady, all at my expense. She has two small businesses operated from our house that generate nothing (as far as I can tell - she does not share her finances with me). I know this all sounds pathetic and that my W is a freeloader. My L suggested I don't cut off her credit cards so I can monitor her activity - we share debt after D. L also suggested I don't cut off the phone for the same reason. If I ever need access to her phone to prove her illicit activity. Incidentally, I have a friend that just fired the cleaning lady 2 weeks ago.
I need to grow a set, I think.
Anyone have any suggestions: what to tell W, if anything; what to tell cleaning lady, if anything; just ignore it and wait for D? Stand up for myself? Fire the cleaning lady? Ask the L? I know that my W has told her that I am crazy in the past. Cleaning lady suspects/knows about the A.
RAI

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How about: "if cleaning lady does not do my laundry properly, I am firing her"

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RAI - my friend.....

I guess I am confused by this. Why are you expecting your W to notify the cleaning lady about the laundry?

If you want your laundry cleaned by her - call her yourself and give her that expectation. She's an employee - its none of her business which hamper is in what bedroom. Why on earth would you even consider firing her unless you confirm that she knows she should be doing it?

I get that your wife is not exactly pulling her weight around the house at the moment and that you are frustrated about it. However, you have to deal with the situation that is (and its not going to change until you all are in different households). Tell the cleaning lady yourself that you want your laundry done. Problem solved.

Last edited by raliced; 10/09/15 03:44 PM.

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raliced x 2. That's exactly what I thought, RAI. If you have an issue with the cleaning lady, call her.



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My goodness, yes, RAI. This is a simple one.

Unlike your relationship with your W, you have an employer/employee relationship with the cleaning lady. You can tell her what you expect. It would be completely unfair to fire her for not doing what you never requested.

Everything you said about your W is true, but so what. You know you can't change that. You know you can't rely on her to deal with the cleaning lady or anyone else on your behalf. Get over the anger. What does it matter what the cleaning lady thinks/knows about A? That stuff is all noise bogging you down.

Next time you see the cleaning lady, ask her politely to include your laundry in the scope of duties.

Now, what's the fun plan for the weekend that takes your mind to a better place?

Last edited by zew; 10/09/15 04:22 PM.
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Sunny and Raliced, I really really really wish I had seen your posts sooner. It was too late. I went home to do a load of laundry for myself and W was there. I confronted her. Uggh. It never goes well. I can never seem to do or say the right thing. I am very down about it. And not surprisingly, I received two more harassing "anonymous" text messages since. HOW IS IT THAT I AM ALWAYS MADE TO FEEL LIKE THE VILLAIN?

I had an IC appt yesterday. I asked him why I am having such difficulty letting go of my anger. He said it is too early. Anyone in my sitch would still be angry. The anger is normal and I am still very much in the midst of things. I hate my life right now. I really do. I am so sick of being consumed by all this.

RAI


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