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mindsin #2605832 09/10/15 08:09 PM
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claire7 Offline OP
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Thanks mindsin. I have been wondering about you!

And to all the kind, wise and generous souls who populate this thread (Betsey, 25yearsmlc and many others):

I think I could use some help with conflict resolution. I feel like i am struggling so much with the negotiations of this divorce. My STBX claims that I have dragged my feet and slowed the process down, and since we have not yet set a date for the division of assets, he feels it's unfair for me to have any claim on money he's earned since he decided to leave me.

I hear so many different pieces of advice. I want to complete this journey with my dignity and integrity intact. And at the same time, as I look back on our relationship, I realize it was riddled with times when I felt taken advantage of.

I wouldn't want anyone to ever be able to say, "how pathetic-- she dragged it out so she could get more money from him. what a gold-grubbing loser." And then I wonder why I am worried about what 'anyone' (like his family, or his girlfriend) think of me anyway! My future is at stake and all I ever wanted was to be able to stay married and not have to deal with any of this!

I feel like not only have my DB efforts failed, they have actually backfired. My gut is telling me to just say "ok. you win." But then I hear another voice in my head that says, "Wait a minute, not so fast. Why are you ashamed of wanting to stay married? Why are you ashamed to ask for more?"

And then, on top of all of this increasingly contentious negotiation is our co-parenting. I'm supposed to put on a smiley face and have a PMA around him when I think he is a jerk. We're supposed to also negotiate parenting stuff between each other (like schedules, or the start of school, etc). It's like, literally making my head spin.

I'm flailing a bit right now. No wonder I feel so off-kilter.

Please give me some advice for how to get through this with dignity, integrity but without being a fool or being walked on. I'm feeling stuck Most of the people I ask for advice come from a place of anger towards him: "you are entitled to..." "Don't back down from..." "He has to pay." That kind of thing.

Where is the middle ground?
Thanks.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2605843 09/10/15 08:46 PM
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Divorce laws in every state are different. I if you have a lawyer let that person deal with negotiating. Divorce is like a business contract that was broken and should be treated as such. I gave my L full negotiating power so my emotions would not get in the way. It is a painful process.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Rick1963 #2605877 09/10/15 11:00 PM
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I haven't posted here in a long time. But I do read around every so often and it breaks my heart to see you feeling this way about this divorce process. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. Don't drag your feet! Take the high road and do what your lawyer asks of you. All the paperwork, anything that is required. Stay way ahead of it, better than he does. Not easy but in the long run it's much better to cooperate with the process. It doesn't matter what STBX thinks is unfair, what matters is the law. I too let my lawyer do the talking to the other lawyer. It protected me as Rick mentioned. Get centered, stay strong, and do the work. It's business. Good luck. Wonder

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claire7 Offline OP
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Thanks so much.

It's interesting how emotions work. I feel like my emotions were so tense the last few days, which I think means I was getting prepared to do some deep digging and hard work. Writing that post, putting those thoughts out there, has helped me find some clarity. It's clear that the anger and hurt I'm holding onto is poisoning me. I need to forgive him and truly let go in order to move on. I know it will bring me some peace. And I know it is a decision. Just thinking about that, and imagining what my life will feel like if I can let go, is making me feel lighter already.

I can't guarantee I will still feel this way tomorrow morning, but for now I feel it, and that means eventually I can feel this way consistently, and that alone gives me great hope.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2605923 09/11/15 02:07 AM
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Claire,

This is quick because I need to be packing.... I agree with Rick and Wonder.

Keep in mind this portion of the D is all business. It's about securing a reasonable way of life for you and your daughter. Let the lawyer do his or her job. Don't lay down in front of the train... Your daughter needs you the most right now.

Hugs,

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
Underdog #2613679 10/08/15 11:27 PM
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claire7 Offline OP
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Thank you all so much for your supportive and wise feedback. I feel a lot better now that I"m thinking of the financial stuff as just business. Had a good meeting with my L and we are moving ahead with drafting a proposal. Stbx is doing the same.

And as I work through all my other feelings, I'm still struggling find that balance between making HIS life easier for him, and doing things that are in my D's best interest. Because sometimes it feels as though he's not really dealing with the consequences. And as I write that, I realize it sounds pretty lame.

But, let me think out loud for a bit, and I really do welcome some outside perspectives.

D4 is off from school on Monday. Since it's H's day, he arranged for her to go to a camp that day. This was a great step forward-- he took the initiative to follow our parenting agreement! I will take her to the camp in the morning, and then stbx MIL will pick her up and spend the afternoon with her. Stbx has asked me if his mom can use my home as her "base" that day, because he thinks my place "is best."

I'm not a huge fan of the idea. MIL has not reached out to me in months. We used to be quite close. I don't hear a word from her now. Last time she came over here, she simply used her key to walk right in; didn't even knock! Um...

I mean, really? You don't think your D and your own mom can spend an afternoon in your home? Why not? Why don't you have toys and supplies for her? I just don't get it.

I know some of you would say "Just say yes. It's best for your D and you can show MIL how wonderful you are." But it just bugs me. Argh.

I'd love to hear some thoughts.
Thanks.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2613698 10/09/15 12:41 AM
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kml Offline
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Is this a once in a blue moon kind of thing, or the start of a regular pattern?

I'm sure it would be a little easier at your place, all your daughter's stuff is there, she could nap in her own bed if needed, etc. If you previously had a great relationship with MIL, then it might be fine. But if you suspect MIL will be snooping or judging, or if you don't want to establish a precedent that it's ok for for her to come over all the time - just say no. Tell ex you'll pack some of her toys etc to go with her, just be sure she brings them home. Or just say no. You are allowed to do what is best for YOU.

kml #2613724 10/09/15 02:26 AM
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I was in a spot where I made things easier for ex because I thought it was best for our daughter. But I had to stop. It was draining me and it wasn't sustainable. Ow as becoming resentful and that' wasn't good for anyone. Eventually I knew my daughter would see I was doing all the work.

Ellie has a great suggestion. He made a big step in making arrangements. If you aren't comfortable, telling him you can give them a few toys if they need, but you think she will be fine using his home. Isn't give him the confidence to spur him in the direction of taking care of things himself.

My ex very slowly is figuring things out for himself when he needs to when I'm not making it brainless for him.

What's best for your D is a mom who isn't resentful of having to do it all.

Ginger1 #2614293 10/11/15 02:46 AM
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Hi! I agree with everyone, just focus on the divorce as business and let the lawyers do the work. When I had to make a decision my sole thought was whether it would benefit my children, and I've never regretted that.

I agree with your uneasiness about letting your MIL use your home as base when your STBX has his own home. From what you describe, using her own key to let herself in, she has boundary issues, and hasn't communicated with you in some time. Your STBX, and his M, need to start experiencing the consequences of his actions. After divorce, they will not be able to use your home as base when it's his time to watch your child. He needs to set up his home now and start parenting; if he hasn't already done so now is a good time.

Karen


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D18, S24
karen43 #2614380 10/11/15 02:38 PM
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Claire, I'm not going to express what I think *you* should do, and I totally understand where everyone here is coming from - boundaries, stepping up as a dad, I do get all that. But for me...... smile ......I'd allow it for my own D. Because my D says that this is home, and her dad's place is where she stays when she's not home. And I'd rather her be at home.

You know what's best for you and your D, and if saying no is right, then do it and don't give it a second thought.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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