ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Things are going great in my life for the most part. The WW is really having a hard time with things, she finds a reason to text/call every day. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. She is dating a new guy, the kids have not met him yet and I really am fine with it.
I am still GALing, I am still reading the books and I am still posting here. Granted, my motives have changed from saving my marriage to saving myself, there is still a lot of lessons to learn and practice from this site/books.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Hi EyeTie. Sorry if you previously mentioned (I haven't read your whole story yet) but are you legally separated or just living apart and W thinks its okay to date?
She was dating in early January, I tried it and it didn't take at first. I spent a few months in the dumps worried about getting her back and then GAL'd like a maniac. At this point I am dating and so is she. If you can't tell, I am really not in favor of saving my marriage anymore, I realized how miserable I was with her and how awful she really is.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
There comes a point where you have to say am I done waiting? Am I going to risk not taking the next opportunity to meet a np?
It was in reality 2 years almost when I met my np, from when h started the a as best as I can work out.
Was I done putting my intimate life on hold for something that may never happen? Yeap by then we'll and truely.
Could things be different with xh2, I doubt it.
For the following reasons He cannot accept his wrongs or contributions Doesn't take respsonabilty Lies Still with ow Has not contacted ever. Refused to acknowledge r. Talked disrespectfully via L only just months ago He is not changing his patterns of behiavours
So would you put your life and chance at a np on hold at 45?
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
There comes a point where you have to say am I done waiting? Am I going to risk not taking the next opportunity to meet a np?
It was in reality 2 years almost when I met my np, from when h started the a as best as I can work out.
Was I done putting my intimate life on hold for something that may never happen? Yeap by then we'll and truely.
Could things be different with xh2, I doubt it.
For the following reasons He cannot accept his wrongs or contributions Doesn't take respsonabilty Lies Still with ow Has not contacted ever. Refused to acknowledge r. Talked disrespectfully via L only just months ago He is not changing his patterns of behiavours
So would you put your life and chance at a np on hold at 45?
That is exactly it! My WW and I lived a bit on the humble side of life, she got into a career that took off and went from making 50K to 110K a year very quickly. Once she got that raise, she started treating EVERYONE beneath her. Like they didn't deserve to be treated the same.
Over the last 10 months, I have heard from people that she claims that...
1. I faked cancer (even though several people were around) 2. That I was physically abusive (Never happened) 3. That I was emotionally abusive (I never with held affection). 4. That I was mentally abusive (this is from a person who would throw a tantrum about dinner not being what she wanted). 5. That I was the one having the affair (even though everyone has pretty much figured it out). 6. That I was a horrible father (yet she texts me often telling me how great of a father I am). 7. That I am a sociopath (I don't even know where to begin with this one). 8. That I was abusive to my children (they will even tell her that they prefer me to her). 9. That I was lazy (I worked but it was mostly part time, it was cheaper for us.) 10. Pretty much you name it, she has said it.
Now, I know her well enough to know that she has painted herself into a corner with people. Because if she ever says that she wants to get back together, several people will list the reasons above as to why she shouldn't. It would mean she would lose face. Even back in during the ILYBNILY talk, she said "What would people say if we got back together", which at the time caught me off guard. Now it all makes sense to me.
I waited, prayed and cried long enough for her. I realize that I don't want her back, I liked the idea of it more than the reality. No one should go through what I went through with her, I feel bad for the next guy she is dating. He will find out soon enough.
Now, as for my current girlfriend, yes, I said girlfriend, she is incredible. Completely opposite of my WW. It took me a while to get comfortable with her, it took me a while to get comfortable of the idea of starting over. But I am very happy I did.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I'm not making any judgement. ( if I found out my husband was with other women I would feel and probably react very similar as you). But my question is, do you think there is a difference between how you view your marriage right now and how many of the wayward spouses view their marriages?
Is there anything your wife would be able to do to win you back? If she implemented the dbing techniques herself would that work on you?
The major difference I see is that your wife was unfaithful and many of the LBS on this board were not. So that must be taken into consideration of course. But obviously us LBS did something to hurt WAS enought to make them leave marriages with children right?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
That list of ten was my xh2 list of complaints against me.
Add crazee and mentally ill.
But his actions he assaulted my son, his step son. With no reason given and made me the bad guy in that.
If you read behivours that signify abuse he checked every box, word salad for nearly an hour that I bough hemeriod suppositories not cream for example. Stalking places I posted on the Internet. Keeping tabs via others on me at work. Threats and a loaded guns in the bedroom and house..
His list I have now worked out pure protection on his part.
The how I view my xh2 is as a very very damaged man. I'm sad for him really sad. Things won't be as he thinks given I see a pattern from his xw1 to me and see him re creating it with ow.
I waited quiet some time before heading out looking in the dating sense and didn't really look to hard.
What I see now and I suspect eye is the same, xh2 never put my needs first but the public show of doing so was important. This was early on about a year or so in. Even before that he told the L that server all trips he went on were break ups? Wtf? Those trips he did tell of woman who travelled and met up with him a few times... So I suspect he always cheated or thought about it.
My needs and being first is awesome. Bf is very much good at making you feel like I matter, xh2 was always reverse in a subtle way. That's an example ^ of some times how things can always just be a certain way in either good or bad way.
Xh2 was a very big game player, which I didn't really understand untill now when I look back. He pushed any boundaries very deliberately till things tipped his way. The whole on again off again he instigated it or forced your hand. If you refused to part take he just left.
He too would have to eat a huge humble pie to even think about db, it's contrary to everything he believes in. He simply doesn't believe people cannot be forced to do things. In his world no such thing as free will. His small mind would simply explode. It would be a good thing for him to db, but he didn't see we needed counselling just me as I was broken. He would have to confront too many deamons and repair far to much.
It's unlikely, but given the sort of person I am, in a way I have made some personal in my head commitments to bf, which kind of negates any r. At this stage. But being in the smitten stage yes, I do understand how they can just walk, not completely but I can see how you could be.
I do understand the drug type references used here. I now more than ever understand that intense high and that not wanting to look back. It's the major breech of trust while in the r, I think it could be different if the r was over and they moved on. Then came back together, the trust factor was broken.
The next time something walks past, mmmm would they jump ship? Would be always in my mind.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm not making any judgement. ( if I found out my husband was with other women I would feel and probably react very similar as you). But my question is, do you think there is a difference between how you view your marriage right now and how many of the wayward spouses view their marriages?
My WW has a very skewed view on our marriage. She acts like it was all horrible, from point A to B. Honestly, every other year she would talk about wanting a divorce. We would work on things, then a year or so later she would say the same thing. When she hit me with it back in December, I figured it was just another false flag. BUT every so often she will talk about our relationship in a positive light, but mostly it's negative. I on the other hand do NOT act like that. Sure we had bad times, but it wasn't always bad.
Originally Posted By: JulieH
Is there anything your wife would be able to do to win you back? If she implemented the dbing techniques herself would that work on you?
Meh, I am not sure. She can try the techniques but it would mean she would have to admit some faults. I have forgiven her, but at the end of the day, it just doesn't sound like something I would want to do. I gave her a list a long time ago and she has done a few things on the list, but in the end, I doubt she will. She rarely if ever will admit she is the one with the problem.
Originally Posted By: JulieH
The major difference I see is that your wife was unfaithful and many of the LBS on this board were not. So that must be taken into consideration of course. But obviously us LBS did something to hurt WAS enought to make them leave marriages with children right?
I disagree. I think the problem is that relationships take work, they are hard. I may not have been the best husband in the world, but at the end of the day I do not think it was ever as bad as she claims it was. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
[color:#66FFFF][/color]. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.
Boy I think this is totally what happened in my case. OW kept telling him "you are miserable why don't you leave". The whole time he was telling me " we are better than ever"
