Take the bull by the horns or its nuts (humour) is my way of telling you clearly to wake up, manup and face your problems and do something about them but most importantly respect yourself.
I saw a video some time ago of a girl whose brother sang her a song while the whole family, brothers, uncles, grandfather and inlaws took turns to dance with her while she cried. All because her father had died and couldnt be present. The parents, besides the bride & groom are the most important people there. She is your daughter and you would be happy being cameraman as a consolation prize?
Read yourself G. How does that come across?
I bet if your W asked you to not do it and let her OM do it to avoid problems you would pull out the Canon EOS and fire away or ask Sandi what should you do.
G, As a man we all have our limits, we mark our boundaries, we take so much... your pit of acceptance and self resignation looks bottomless.
You just seem happy to accept any s**t thrown at you.
I am probably explaining what I mean in a lousy way but come on G ... really?
Well just got back from the dance class and you know what ....I actually did very well was complemented on the fact that it was my first time and I did well so ....ha
Also it did mean that for 2 hrs I was completely taken away from my sitch having to try to remember dance steps.....Cha cha cha
It was fun ....ghost had fun ....now back home and back to reality
Going to get an early night try and catch up with some sleep
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Good man. Well done G. First baby step taken. All journeys start with a first step. Now onwards.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
QUOTE FROM SANDI2 The woman is designed in such a way that she must respect him before she can feel those "in-love" feelings. If the respect is lost, her desire is lost. That is why H's hear "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". She puts you into a friend or brother zone. I have yet to meet a man who wanted his W to love him like a brother.
So sandi2 how does one gain her respect back
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You act like a man. Sandi2 is very clear on this. Be decisive and be strong. Know your path. Don't let her walk all over you.
Peace my friend.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Ghost, I don't know if this applies to you, but I can tell you what makes me lose (or gain) respect.
I respect a man who can make decisions. My H doesn't make decisions. About anything, dinner, plans, will say "S needs help", or D needs discipline, but will not just make the decision. On the rare occasions he does I love it- for example "I just caught D lying. I took away her electronics for the entire weekend." Or "I just called a karate studio to get info to sign up S for karate, I think it will be good for his self esteem. I am taking him for a trial lesson next weekend." Of course this could get out of control, its not like I want to be married to a dictator, but in my sitch the problem is that he just expects me to decide and handle everything. It is nice to see my H handling day to day decisions confidently and not just deferring to me about everything (and then whining when things didn't go his way.)
Another thing H does that makes me lose respect is smoke and get drunk. Getting drunk would be fine a couple of times a year at a big event, maybe a wedding or some big thing, but not as a regular thing. There have been times (in the past) where H would not drink and be the designated driver. I always thought highly of him then.
Physical fitness. A man who takes care of himself- that I respect.
I respect a man who has hobbies and interests. Someone who does more than work and watch tv. The gym is good!
A man who can handle being around chaos- like with the kids, and stay calm and in control. I hate when guys "lose it" with the kids.
A man who has a sense of humor about himself and life, and doesn't give off that "pity party", and everything is so serious vibe.
A man who can dance the cha cha.....well that goes without saying- that I respect!
Ok so starting to think about the future a future without my W if the is what she wants I have to move forwards
Been looking at property in the local area and I am going to really struggle to get anything locally for the amount i will get .....my W has said that we need to stay close to our area for the kids schooling I think this will be very difficult With four children and one adult would be Lucky to get a three bed house in the same area so the 2 boys would share a room .....d1 has a room and me and the 2 year old would share a room .....to what age ? To what age can a toddler share with her dad
So do you think it would be better to either A) buy a smaller house in locally but in the worst area but local to the children's current school B) buy a bigger house outside the area then either commute the children to school and back again I know children adapt but I guess what I am saying is if I move outside the area and get a bigger house with more room for them and my w moves to a smaller house but in the same area what do you think the children would look more forward to
I really am not looking forward to this but have to start thinking practically Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Huddy that is good advice but I have so much stuff from a five bed house garage two sheads if I am renting where do I put it all or do I just start throwing things now and selling off items on the bay Parenting a three bed in my area is going cost in the regen of 1300 pm plus council tax and bills I would have thought need to look into the rental i market
I have never rented I just see it as throwing money away
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Ghost, smaller house, good school. You can start selling/donating stuff now, you would be surprised at how much you have that you do not need. We moved a couple of times in the last 6 years and have a lot less stuff than we did before moving and I don't miss a thing.
We rented for 3 years and surprisingly saved more money than if we had bought. Because you don't realize how much money goes towards a new faucet here, a new lighting fixture there, some landscaping, etc. We came out ahead from renting.
Your D17 can share with the toddler. Or maybe wait a year or two until she goes to college and then she won't be there much anyway.
Daughter and I are not too close so I think now she may not want to come and live with me ....She might want to live 100% with mummy I would still want to have a room or space if she did decide to come and stay
W tells me when we sell the house we go fifty fifty on equity and with the child care
Not much to buy locally for the money that we will both get
W wants to stay local for schooling
We both need enough of the money to buy suitable houses
If W buys locally then will be in the worst part of town and will be bringing up my children in a not so nice house and I would be in the same area with the same amount of money
This will happen when we sell the house
Worrying
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Try to stop worrying and and start doing. Get a plan
Quote:
Daughter and I are not too close so I think now she may not want to come and live with me ....She might want to live 100% with mummy I would still want to have a room or space if she did decide to come and stay
What age is your daughter? If she decides to live with her mother full time what are you going to do about it? How can you AT THIS POINT show her your love and support?
Quote:
W tells me when we sell the house we go fifty fifty on equity and with the child care
That's how it works.
Quote:
Not much to buy locally for the money that we will both get
W wants to stay local for schooling
We both need enough of the money to buy suitable houses
If W buys locally then will be in the worst part of town and will be bringing up my children in a not so nice house and I would be in the same area with the same amount of money
^^ You are worrying about nothing here. The important thing is you and your kids are not homeless. Modesty G, Modesty.
Quote:
This will happen when we sell the house
Worrying
Ghost
Yes, it will. So get a plan. Look, I know this s*cks but you have to get a plan in place mate. You really need to start now. This isn't going to go away.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Ghost56, I too am anxious and worried but I read these;
24 Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!
25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?
26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27 "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
28 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!
29 And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them.
31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.
33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I see a lot here about what W wants, what does ghost want?
I'm guessing your D is a teenager. I don't know what it is about kids when they get to their teens, but they also go off the rails. She'll say lots of things to hurt you (my SD did when I was telling her to get her arse in gear) but they don't mean it. They're just like a WAW in rehersal!
As for housing, don't concentrate on the now. Whatever happens now, is not forever. You're W can't dictate where you're going to live and you can't dictate to her. If she ends up in a poorer part of town (is there anywhere 'rough' in St. Albans?) that's her concern. The most important thing is that you and your kids have a roof. The future is for then, not now. I bet you didn't think you'd be here a year ago, so what's to say you'll be in a better place in a years time?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy you are totally correct I did not know or expect to be here a year ago
My d is nearly 17
I understand that I cannot dictate to her i guess this is one of my concerns she will buy where she wants to ....she will go view her property to buy and I will view mine ...on our own ...as this is how it works ...and that in its self is worrying she might buy a flat rather than a house in a poor area my children then get bought up in a rougher area and therer are no so nice areas even in St albans and there I want to be close to where my wife moves to so it makes it easy for child swap and Close enough that it makes it easy for the kids to see me when and if they want to and also to get them to school.
I am trying to build bridges with my daughter but I do not know if this will happen in time
My second youngest is 12 and the toddler is just 2
Why the [censored] does this have to be happening I would take just bing a friend to my W and live in the same house but she will not do this for the next 18 years
[censored] starting to spiral I can [censored] feel it
I have been looking for property arround the area and there is so little
I can move 20 miles outside the area and get something so much better bigger more room for the children but I do not want to be the inconveanance to the kids ....if they find it easy getting to school and to their friends from mums house then why would they want to be taken to mine they will prefer to live with the wife .. so I have to think about the kids surely
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
You really want to live in the same house for the next 18/20/30/40 years, getting treated like shite, just so you don't rock the boat?
Come on man. Look at yourself in the mirror. Is that who you want to be, a doormat? No, don't think so. Don't be that man, be the man who goes to dance and acts like somebody who other people want to be around. Your W is dictating the outcome here, time for you to man up!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Azz in time for her to possibly want to spend some of her time living with me
I dont know how things work where you are, but Im guessing at about 18, she isnt going to really live at home much anyway. I wouldnt focus on the space she is occupying. Instead focus on your RELATIONSHIP with her. THAT, you will have the rest of your lives to work on. What are you going to do today to make it better?
I have told her I love her I have offered to buy her something small for her horse I have shown an interest in things she has done at school I took her to school I sent her a txt msg today showing her my interest in what she was doing
I would ask her for a hug but she may be a little too old for this and as I said things are a little rocky between us
I am trying to be a better dad spend more time with her but she is also at that age where she does not need or want it
Slowly slowly
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Nah, daughters are never too old for a daddy hug. However, she may feel you are coming on kind of strong and sudden......given the condition of how things have been between you two.
Instead of asking for a hug, how about starting out slowly with just a pat or touch on her shoulder, arm, or back? Don't push her by coming on too strong.
Don't take what she says and does as if it's another WW in your life (albeit, very similar traits). She has had anger and resentment for quite a while.
She is not a child, but she's not emotionally grown yet. She will always be your daughter. She may be siding with her mother right now (which is not unusual for girls), and she may not want to live with you 50% of the time. Which, I could understand why a 17 yr old wouldn't, but it doesn't mean she'll never want to go see you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have told her I love her I have offered to buy her something small for her horse I have shown an interest in things she has done at school I took her to school I sent her a txt msg today showing her my interest in what she was doing
I would ask her for a hug but she may be a little too old for this and as I said things are a little rocky between us
I am trying to be a better dad spend more time with her but she is also at that age where she does not need or want it
Slowly slowly
Ghost
As weird as this sounds to write, treat your D like you do for your W. What I mean is that running to do too much too fast is going to come across as manic and not genuine.
V it is funny you say about the version on YouTube with the lyrics as this is the one that I have been listening to for the past 3 or 4 days the words are very adapt..
Sandi2 thank you for your comments it seems that my focus has been taken from my w to my d this perhaps is not a bad thing
I have not been the best dbuster in fact I have been pretty poor I have broken the rules on many occasions I know from talking to my w on many occasions that she and I are not going to find a way back together
I have started to accept this I know .....do not believe what they say ....she has told me before that I have become friend status she no longer has the feelings that she did have ...
She always used to be so very child oriented but recently the more I think about how she is and how she seems to have changed ....Pandora's box has been opened....her being prepared to put our children through this her knowing this has broken my heart....she feels nothing
I still don't think it had to get to this she does so it will be what it will be.
This will hopefully drive me to be stronger they said it would get much harder I thought trying to save my m Was as hard as it got wait till the house sells and the trucks turn up
Thanks for your posts
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Bad night woke up 4am thought I heard shouting outside and banging on my door ran down stairs, W says she heard nothing and that it was a dream said go back to bed ..felt very real
I am running out of ideas as to what to do now got to focus,on me
I don't want to give up trying to repair things with my W but I feel I have exhausted all my options,
Goals keep working on me Next week loose another 2lbs weight Go to the gym 3 times next week Go to another dance class Spend quality time with all my children Be the best dad I can be
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I would like you to select a word from the song, this is your power word, a neutral one like 'mirror'
After you finish smiling, turn to a space in front of you, hear the music, man in the mirror, I am asking him to mend his ways
See a bright spotlight on the floor about 2 feet in front of you
It highlights a large turntable,
On it stands Ghost, it is the best Ghost that can be, slim, trim, wearing great clothes, standing tall confident, ready to dance. He is smiling, he is looking at you in the eyes with love and joy. Smile back. Hear the music
The turntable slow turns, ghost keeps looking at you until he faces 180 away from you, with his back to you
Step into this Ghost, say the word mirror as you do
See the next spotlight in front of you with Ghost in it, repeat the word mirror, hear the music
Smile, smile, laugh
--------------------------------------
This is your new process as well as the irror smile, we have the mirror step
Anytime you need joy courage strength to change the go to word is mirror and the step is only 2 feet -----------------------------------
In case you are wondering my choice at the moment is Labi Siffrey and Something Inside so Strong and the word of choice is a phrase 'look them in the eyes'. I have had several songs over the last year including Let it be, I will survive, The greatest love of all, and of course Somewhere over the rainbow.
Instead of the best V, I step into a mentor depending on the task, at the moment it's J K Rowling before that Anita Rodderick. I have been Amy Johnson and Helen Mirren, Bathseba Everdeen (Julie Christie) and at some stage it's going to be Marilyn Monroe (from the Misfits).
Try it for fun, you could try Bruce Willis..... (phoar......)
----------------------------
I was looking for acting as if and because I was stuck with my boundaries and unable to act as if, I developed this way of being........
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/10/1506:02 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am starting to change my feelings are getting better I do not like it but I am starting t accept it is happening
One of the things that my wife says is that when we do sell the house and buy two smaller houses is that she wants to work at the weekend so I can work during the week that means that I have the children from Friday night probably through till Sunday or Monday do you think that it would be worth at this stage putting that into practice whilst we are still in the house together so that she gets to experience what it is going to be like during the week when I do not help and I get to experience the weekend on my own with no help from her
She gives this whole situation so little thought her view why worry about it till it happens mentality nothing seems to really worry her to moving to smaller houses her having to work more all the things that I worry about seem to be things that she just doesn't care about
I know I cannot reason with her in her mind it is over and I'm now just a friend but 3/4 months ago we were together as a couple things were not right but we were together how things change
I want to start to prepare for how hard it is going to be at the weekends for me to have all the children and to try and manage the house I think she needs to feel that as well during the weekdays
What do you think do I suggest this to her ....
Thank you ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Are you suggesting it so if it fails she will say, 'let's not split up?'
If that is the case why set yourself up for failure? I see no advantage until you are strong.
Why say it's going to be hard, do you want it to be hard? Pink elephant, what you think about grows!
Otherwise take the kids to Centre Parc for a long weekend, (or alternate). That wouldn't be hard, that would be fun, so if you see fun then apply that to all your weekends.
Tell me about each of your kids, what are they like, what would be fun with each one?
Ghost, you will get strong, I tell you this because my higher power says so, let it be, enjoy it.
It's happening, let yourself grow.
By the way, I dance, I do Ceroc. Try googling Ceroc, I go on long weekenders for dancing. Dancing is wonderful for the spirit for soothing the self. The regular movement is so healing.
I really want you strong, despit your resisted centre.
BTW I owe you 16 minutes.
MIRROR
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 10/10/1510:12 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi Ghost, no I wouldn't make suggestions like that to try and 'show' her anything. Focus on agreeing manageable arrangements in terms of childcare in the best interests of everyone if and when you move. Trying to 'practice' new arrangements sounds like you trying to control things and it is best to let go of such things I think.
Glad your feelings are starting to change. It takes time, but you are sounding much less panicked about things, which is good.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ghost, don't make any suggestions, just do what you need to do right now. Self care, I know you are exercising, are you eating well? Are you going to church, meditating, whatever you need to do to take care of your spiritual side? Keep taking care of yourself. You are making good progress, I am proud of you Ghost!
Sandi2 I did Google the ceroc dance interesting there was a good ceroc wedding dance
Sotto as you may have realised I over think everything but for me this is important I feel such sadness when I think of what it will be like at Christmas not this year but perhaps next with the toddler coming down stairs to open her presents and daddy or mummy not being there
Life is going to be so different ....I have a feeling it will become battle of the Christmas presents we always go over the top I can see her tree being stacked with presents and me trying keep up with her
I think of when my w moves a partner in to the house I know it may never happen but I think what if I do not like him he will be arround my kids and there is nothing I can do about it
I think of all the days when I will not see my children and not know what they are getting up to or the weekends when I will have them all and may struggle with it
My daughter is great with the toddler but if she is not at mine over the weekend then I will get no help but my w will get all the help she needs during the week days
It just [censored] I see very few positives
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Not started church I am giving it much thought meditation is also on my list I am eating less but this is ok as I need to keep loosing weight I am eating more healthy
Thank you
Last edited by Ghost56; 10/10/1512:54 PM.
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost I was thinking about your D. I recently bought my H a book, I am sure someone on this forum recommended, called Strong fathers strong daughters. It is worth a read.
Also. Daughters are tough. But please do not give up. I think you are heading in the right direction with her, keep showing interest and patience. Do you know the "5 love languages"? If you can tap into her "love language" then maybe you can more effectively reach her. I am connecting with my D through music, taking her to concerts, singing along (badly) while she plays the guitar, trading gossip about her favorite musicians. Also food, my D gets so many "surprise" stops to her favorite places to eat, or I will bring her a cherry coke (her fave) when I pick her up from the barn ( she works at a barn in exchange for horse riding time- not as lucky as your girl to have her own horse). Just little things that I know she loves. I still get a lot of eye rolls, attitude, etc, half the time I think she despises me, but that's part of the teenage thing. My D also loves being photographed, and especially loves getting photographed with horses.
Keep trying. It might be a combination of a lot of small gestures that builds that bond, it might be something big, it might just be a factor of maturity, but be consistent and don't give up. A girl needs her Dad!
Ghost, this kind of 'thinking ahead' is not going to serve you well at all...so let's have a look at what ground you are covering here..
What will this Xmas be like? What will next Xmas be like when we don't get to see toddler open presents together What will it be like when my W moves a partner in What if I do not like him What if he is around my kids and I can't do anything about it What about those days when I won't see my kids What about the weekends when I will have them and may struggle? What if my D isn't at mine over the weekend and I will get no help?
Wow....it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed at times. But here's the thing and I'm going to put it in capitals....not to be overbearing, but to drive the point home.
ALL OF THE ABOVE MAY NEVER HAPPEN AND THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE HARMING WITH THESE THOUGHTS IS YOU!
I think your obsessive ruminations are a central thing for you to overcome. This will serve you well in your sitch and help your overall quality of life. Can you have a think about some baby steps towards this....
ie: every time my mind focuses on this I am going to...
You keep on exploring this cheeseless tunnel my friend. There never was any cheese there and there never will be..please remember this... xx
Last edited by Sotto; 10/10/1501:17 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have noticed that as part of her changes she has become much more opinionated and strong willed she feels her life has just got better
She is totally putting her self first
She feels that her life has made her who she is now meaning I guess if she had not been so unhappy during our marriage she would not be as strong as she is and now she takes no [censored] from anyone
How do I deal with her give her space ?
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Because you're letting her get away with it. Space is given by not hounding her and GAL. GAL doesn't mean going out every night. To me, it can mean reading a book or playing with the kids.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yes, give her space. Try not to figure her out, just give her space and let her figure her own issues out. Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids.
I started something new tonight. When I start obsessing over H, or am tempted to text him, I stop and do pushups or else 15 minutes of cleaning. Maybe you can practice your dancing or play with the baby. Just do something healthy and productive instead, you aren't going to figure out W.
Ok so I have just seen a book that my wife has been reading about controlling husbands she has underlined pages and pages so this is clearly a big issue for her as to what was wrong with me and our marriage
I guess I was controlling
How can I change and how can I show her that I can change I inow the changes should be for me must be for me but if this was a big thing fr her then can I 180 this ...would that help
I was upset by the amount she has been hi lighting ....sheesh I feel there is really no way we will be together again
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Hi Ghost, I also realised I tried to control things in our M. I always saw myself as the organised one, who planned things and had them all mapped out. But I realise now there was some control there too. And at the root of the need to control? Fear.
So, what was it you tried to contol? And what were the fears that led to that?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Ghost, You never responded to my post about getting professional help. You have a lot of anxiety, and control issues often come from that. (They did for me anyway). What steps can you take to get some help outside of this board?
Also... try this reframing exercise: in your next post, try to eliminate any questions to the board about what to do, and also any self-blame. Simply give us a positive report. Like, "hey guys, guess what I did? It was so fun!"
Can you do both of these things, ghost? We are trying to help you get unstuck. As for control...the only thing you can control is YOU... and you CAN control you!
G, remember that they rewrite history. When someone has a negative view of someone, everything that person has ever done is suddenly perceived badly. My W told me recently that she hasn't been happy in years. But our kids are 4 6 8. I asked if she wasn't happy when we were having babies, and she changed the subject and wouldn't answer me. I guess we have to wait them out, and they may come around. In the mean time, keep dancing and working on yourself
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ok I said this post would be,positive ve Had a great day with my daughter been getting along very well today Not so ungphappy infact...I do believe that today was the first day that I did not cry since my W dropping the bomb....so this is massive progress for me
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
She has been reading a book called Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and she has underlined all the things that she feels I am or things that are relivent lots of underlining
So this is obviously an area where she feels I have a problem do I let on I have see it there is a section about is he willing to change and even tho I have been making substantial changes to myself she answers no to many of the questions where I feel I have started to really address things
I plan on using what I have seen underlined as further things I need to work on
The book gives advice on how to end the relationship and what to expect with regard to financial matters
On a side note I do feel stronger emotionally I feel I am starting to think I will be ok I do not want for this and yes it will be lonley at times But I will get through this
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
She might be reading that book to put the blame on you. Only you can know if you were controlling and how to deal with it. Don't take too much notice of underlining.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
There are books, magazine articles, Internet sites, etc., that promote divorce. They make the single life appear exciting and glamorous for women. I think every doctor and beautician's office has women magazines with this type of "information".
Your W is finding things for her own justification. You have already seen that you can't do enough to please her. Why don't you live like you want, for a change? Don't pick that book up again. It's just one more thing to stress you out.
On another note, it sounds great about you and daughter!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ghost, my H is reading about emotional abuse. I am ignoring it, but yes, it hurts.
As Sandi and Huddy said, your W is looking for a way to justify her behavior. Please focus on something positive instead. Maybe put on some music and practice your dance class, or pick up a fun book for yourself. You are doing better Ghost, there is a chance that when she notices this she will get angry and try to push your buttons to keep you in your "role" that she needs you to be in to justify her own actions. Don't go there.
Guaranteed she will get mega annoyed when you start showing any signs of normality. This is fine. It shows she is starting to lose control of the situation. Go on Ghost!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Only you can know if you were controlling and how to deal with it.
In my opinion, this is some time for you to do some mirror work. She seems to think that you are or have been controlling. But look at yourself. Look back at your actions and your words. How do they look and sound to you? How would they look and sound to you if you were looking at it from her shoes?
I dont know that you should dismiss this offhand just because it's something she said.
For example, in my case, my W would say "I'd like to go on vacation." And my reply would typically be something like "I know, but we cant afford it." Now, because I know everything about the finances, I know the answer. But to her, it sounds like I am the only one that gets a say in where the money goes. Rather than pull out the bills and look at it together, I just offhandedly would answer with a "no". Make sense?
I do think I was controlling on looking at the things that she has hilighted she has pretty much put anything that I did down to being controlling and abusive
If we had an argument and raised my voice I was abusive if I said we could not go out could not afford it ...I was controlling yes ther was defiantly things I did that was wrong put pressure on her emotionally ...made her feel unloved she really has re written history or things really were bad for her everything even down to when we first met and the fact I was older than her and took advantage of dating someone who was young and easily influenced she now feels this was something that I knew and I would be able to control her even back then ....
I will be looking long and hard and will accept my responsablty
From what I have read ....she is not going to be coming back
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
That's interesting because I wouldn't have thought of that as being controlling. That gives me something to think about Azzork.
Im not sure that doing it a single time is incredibly controlling. But repeated over and over again about every big financial decision, it begins to FEEL controlling for her. And we all know that if she FEELS controlled, then she IS controlled.
From my side, I always handled all of the money, because I thought she didnt want to. But I can see her feeling controlled by me not sharing the details with her.
I know I thought the reason she,asked to separate was about the time with her and not doing enough arround the house and partley it was but I believe she felt abused and controlled ..this is what I am picking up from what she has underlined on the book
This situation feels un fixable
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
read Sandi's answer again. She is just justifying her actions. You did hear that she is rewriting history, right? That is one of the reasons why it is said that trust nothing coming from her.
You are paying waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much attention to what she says or does.
Again, please see Sandi's advice and try to live for you as you would like to live. Anything else will come out fake and it will explode in your face...
read Sandi's answer again. She is just justifying her actions. You did hear that she is rewriting history, right? That is one of the reasons why it is said that trust nothing coming from her.
You are paying waaaaaaaaaaaaay to much attention to what she says or does.
Again, please see Sandi's advice and try to live for you as you would like to live. Anything else will come out fake and it will explode in your face...
Im not sure if this is because of the line of thinking Ive been posting of late, but, either way, I DO agree with you and Sandi both. My point is that for you (Ghost), going forward, you should consider your past actions and whether you have been controlling. And if so, you may consider striving to change those behaviors. Not to win your W back, but for long-term success as Ghost56.
If you found this book by snooping, then stop snooping. End of story.
If she is leaving the book out in plain sight for you to see, maybe pick it up and say "W? Do you want to talk about this? " If she says yes, listen to her and validate and take it to heart. It could be BS, or it could be an eye opener. Either way, if your W has a problem and wants to discuss it, by all means hear her out.
If she left it out for you to see, and does not want to talk about it, then she is playing games with you. You are a grown man, with a life, with children, you don't have time for games- you are too busy with the gym and with your dance classes and I am sure D wants you to go take her to ride her horse and the baby could use a trip to the playground. All better uses of your time than trying to please someone who is not your friend, does not respect you, and will not discuss things openly with you.
Lastly, get your own book. Get a fun book that is uplifting and interesting to you. Highlight the heck out of it. Go to town with that highlighter- anything positive or funny or that will add to your life and your well being, highlight it. Let her highlight all of her problems, while you, the new and improved Ghost have let go of that habit and will now highlight the good stuff in life. And I mean that literally and figuratively Ghost.
And I would argue that your constant questioning about what you can do to change her mind about you and your M is a form of controlling behavior... that stems from fear, right?
But you can only control you. Be someone only a fool would leave...and then if she still leaves, you can sleep well knowing that she was a fool. (That's my stbx). In other words, you can be the most perfect person in the world and she may still decide to D you. YOU CANNOT CONTROL THAT. letting go of the need to control the outcome is terrifying, but also very empowering, Ghost. Because if you use this gift of time to become the best Ghost you can be, then the future is bright for you, regardless of what happens in your M.
Someone gave me sage advice at the start of my journey... DBing may not save your M, but it will definitely save YOU. I owe this board a whole lot, even if I am on my way to getting D.
Bud Please realize I understand the hurt as much as the next person and you. But I know I was not the sole reason for this. There are so many things people can do to be happy or fox what they don't like. She is choosing he easy way blame you and move on. Yes she can't control how she feels bit feelings change and if she wanted to work she would. Stop the pity party.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I feel your fear Ghost, we all do. We've been in this really dark place. The what, the why, the when. So, you do control Ghost, or does the fear control Ghost? Does Ghost want to be unhappy? No, of course he doesn't, so come on mate, start rising up from the kicking you have received.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Letting go of the fear is the hardest thing possible. It only happened to me when I realised that the final nail in my M had been hammered firmly in place. Acceptance of that is what motivated me to finally let go of both the M and the fear. That's when the plan kicked in. I didn't want to do it at first, who does but there comes a point where you just let go. You will be ok. You may not believe it now but you will.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I think what has been said is helping me to come to terms with it the nails are going in and this is painful but I am trying to accept it
So my W clearly feels and believe I was abusive and controlling and perhaps to some degree I was do I even bother to try to speak to her about this I am guessing no but feel I want to try to find out why she has got this way of thinking
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost. There is a saying in here that I know you have heard before. "Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do". There is a reason for that. They will re write history so that it's all your fault. The 'talk' won't help. It'll just make matters worse. There is nothing wrong with self examination and you are encouraged to do so but stay away from the talks with your W.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Ndy I am starting to accept that my m is ove completely I have been fighting for it and not watntig to let go
Yes I have fear but I will be ok
I know she is using this book to try to justify everything that was ever wrong with our marriage
I am not quite sure how she can even look at me or even want to spend any time with me if things were so bad yet she will spend time watching Tv we will talk we coparent well
She firmly believes I was abusive and controlling
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost, my H thinks I was emotionally abusive to him and to his mother. I realized that it is his way of failing to take responsibility for his own actions. It is much easier to play victim, and put all the blame on someone else than to honestly look at his own role in our problems and work on himself. It is sad and it is not something I want my children modeling.
I read somewhere, maybe here, that every spouse can make a claim of emotional abuse in some way or another if they try hard enough.
Vapo is right. We all are. Every WAS seems to blame the LBS for their failings and their action. Although the there may well be a degree of truth you will never know for sure, so drop it. It's not helping.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Having seen the book that my W has been reading and the pages and pages that she has underlined her feeling that I was controlling and abusive to her and our children I am now extremely worried that she will not play fair when it comes to the divorce
She had said that she would give me 50/50 custody and only want half the value of the house does anyone know if she has the right to even say this is it her decision how much access I get and how much of the house she gets
I thought that the reasons for her leaving was me not doing enough arround the house and with the kids and me not showing her enough love and her time now she has labeled EVERYTHING that I ever did in the marriage as abuse
If I told the kids off I was abusing them. If we argued I was abusive if I said we could end not go out it was controlling if the kids fight as siblings do it wa because they have seen mummy and daddy arguing and me being abusinve and that is why they are fighting If my sons homework was not done it was because I was at fault
If my son ate junk food I was being abusive [censored] hell everything is now abusive behaviour
If if I asked to make love or tried to initiate making love that was rape or assault
I am extremely worried this will get very bitter
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I would say - quit with the worrying. Keep calm, engage your L and take it from there. I have sat back and let my H inititate the whole time and I just respond. That's all you need to do.
The worrying is yours to own and work on as you know. Don't build it into a picture of what your W 'may do.' It starts to become real - but it is actually just thoughts.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I read somewhere, maybe here, that every spouse can make a claim of emotional abuse in some way or another if they try hard enough.
I agree, and based on what Ghost has written, I have the impression that his W has claimed abuse whenever she didn't like the way things went. And, b/c his W says it, then Ghost automatically agrees that it must be true!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I read somewhere, maybe here, that every spouse can make a claim of emotional abuse in some way or another if they try hard enough.
I agree, and based on what Ghost has written, I have the impression that his W has claimed abuse whenever she didn't like the way things went. And, b/c his W says it, then Ghost automatically agrees that it must be true!
I have the impression that his W has claimed abuse whenever he opened his mouth.
It probably will get bitter, expect the worst but prepare yourself, journal all the times she went out, left you as the good parent, finances , cc charges, etc.!
Drop the rope, the only way they will realize what they have lost is after they have lost it.
She had said that she would give me 50/50 custody and only want half the value of the house does anyone know if she has the right to even say this is it her decision how much access I get and how much of the house she gets
What, wait. She's GRANTING you this? Man, that's a pretty high horse she's on. Mate, she doesn't call the shots. Get a L.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
you said you TALKED to a friggin lawyer. What did you discuss, weather?
Kids and equity, that are the 2 main aspects. This requires a do over. Make a list of questions and write it here on the boards and we will help you finalize it before you talk to a lawyer again.
And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT SNOOP ANYMORE. You see how it got you spinning?
^^ what Vapo said. + 10. G. The laws between Scotland and England are not that different.
I read on here by one of the greats, I can't remember which one but I wish I did and they said "take your balls back from your W's handbag. She's a paper tigress"' or words to those affect. Worked for me.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
. Going to be an interesting night
