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So how do I go about this right now while we are still under the same roof? Then when she moves how do act then? I do have moments when I feel ok about the separation then other times I feel I am going to collapse. I know the actions I take need to be for me but I am having a hard time doing that currently. When I do I feel good and can tell she is agitated with me doing things for myself. Or she is just thinking more of the usual.


I covered some of that in the first thread of Help for Newcomer LBH's with a WW.

Packing her stuff, etc., has been an action some guys have taken. However, I remember one man who took his W's things out of the MBR and placed in the spare room. She immediately put her things back into the MBR. They got into it and I think she ended by calling the cops and giving them a trumped up charge. So, if you aren't strong enough to handle the fallout, don't attempt it.

If you are looking for a certain reaction, don't attempt it. If you think this will open her eyes, don't attempt it (b/c it won't open her eyes, it will just make her mad). Those are not the reasons for doing something along those lines.

If you've had it and don't want her stuff in your house, and if she can't legally turn around and do something to charge you, then fine. If you are ready to S, then fine. But have all your ducks in order before you try to make such a bold move. If she can legally put her things back into your house, what would be the point? You have to know it will stick. At least, IMHO. B/c the WW will challenge you, and if she backs you into a corner and you can't do anything.....that makes it worse. See what I mean?

I've heard, and probably have even suggested myself, about men packing their W's belongings and put in the garage or storage. Some claim to have even sit it out for the trash truck. I think that could be cutting off your nose to spite you face, IDK. I might consider it, especially if she's gone and spending time with OM and refusing to end her A. However, if there's a chance you would relent and allow her to bulldoze her way back in, then I think it's best just not to bother packing her things. You have to be strong.

Same with setting boundaries. If she won't honor a boundary, and if there is no consequence attached.....what good is the boundary?

Quote:
So how do I go about this right now while we are still under the same roof? Then when she moves how do act then? I do have moments when I feel ok about the separation then other times I feel I am going to collapse. I know the actions I take need to be for me but I am having a hard time doing that currently. When I do I feel good and can tell she is agitated with me doing things for myself. Or she is just thinking more of the usual.


First you have to mentally and emotionally detach. If you can't detach, everything else will be mostly in vain. Please read the link on detaching.

If she is saying you are in-house S, then start acting as though you are S from her. Stop acting as though you are still M to her. (I don't mean you have to date, just stop acting like her H). Stop treating her as though she's still your loving W. Don't even treat her like she's your friend, b/c she's not. In-house S is terrible, b/c you don't know what the ground rules are. She's going to make them up as she goes. And, yes it makes her agitated when she sees you doing things for yourself. It is part of her selfish, irrational, and entitlement type of mindset.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi
Thank you for looking in. I was in no way meaning I would pack her stuff up and move it against her will. She has found a place she is moving to. Do I help her leave? Do I go as dark as possible when she leaves? How do I interact until then? She is being beyond nice currently.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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I helped my WAW pack her things and was very nice and kept my cool. Told her I hoped she found happiness and then went pitch black dark as soon as she closed the door behind her. She texted me after exactly one month had passed.

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Thanks Thorton. I have read your entire situation and use you as an example when I ask questions!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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Keep coming here otw. It's such an emotional time and it helps to talk to people that aren't clouded by the pain of your sitch. This board was my lifesaver.

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Quote:
She is being beyond nice currently.


So, what would you do for someone who is beyond being nice?

There's a couple of ways you could go. One, is to plan to be gone the day she moves out (if you ever get a definite date). Let her get friends, or whoever, to help her. However, she may decide to take some things you don't want her to have. Usually, they take something of sentimental value .....and sometimes they just take things b/c they can.

Second, you could hang around to make sure nothing disappears. However, you will probably get roped into helping with the heavy things.

I read where one guy had one of his grown children (who was a stepson to the W) arrive when his W was there to get her things moved. I thought that was pretty good thinking. If the son had doubts, then dad would get a quick call.

Quote:
Do I go as dark as possible when she leaves?


Yes

Quote:
How do I interact until then?


Dark as possible.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you. Those are the things I needed to know. I want to give this the best chance I can. I am going to be looking for a lot of help on how to manage going dark with split custody and kid logistics.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
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Go dark about everything except the kids. You do not want to look like an absentee father in court if it heads that direction. When communicating with her, keep the focus on the kids.

The best advice I got when I divorced my daughters mom, is to treat waw like a business associate. Keep it friendly but like a business associate.

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She knows I am dedicated to my kids. I would never jeopardize them. I am thinking of sorting out how to organize each week with schedule for everything I can think of, items needed, etc..so I can email w once a week with everything and then only speak about missed items or last minute things.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 986
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is there any way i can basically go dark now? I know i will still have to communicate over some logistics with her and deal with kids, but i want to do it now. I have noticed that when i dont see her as much or communicate i feel better. when i do it just makes me want to fix things. I can not fix things!.

I am not sure her move date yet, but i would assume beginning of november. How can i get a head start now? I am going to read on going dark in the books and find in threads, but any experience out there?


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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