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I guess I just want to make things better I am not sure what better is but when I have said to my W a month or two ago that I want to make things better she just says this is as good as it gets if we are getting along why do we need to change anything we are doing this for our children as long as they see us happy then that is all that matters


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Please read the post before this one ^^^^^^^^ I feel it is very important thank you


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
Three years ago things were bad between my W and I and we nearly broke up my children were fighting a lot my W and I were arguing things were bad I spoke to my two eldest children and said that we all have to try to make mummy happy we all had get along with each other pull together to keep our family together.

One of the reasons that I want to keep us all together in the house is to try to make things better with my W and I realise this is going to be extremely difficult to do and I now also realise that I have a very sad and upset daughter that I also would love to build a relationship with but I do not know if this will be possible either.


OMG, Ghost. Do you not see it? You made the kids believe that it's all about making mummy happy!

I think the reason you gave for not being close to your 17 yr old daughter is pathetic. You took your childhood resentment toward your sister and took it out on your child. Then you saw history repeating itself between your daughter and son. Guess you did not learn from it.

Girls need their father! A girl's relationship with her father is so important. If my father had said those words to me, I would think he didn't care about my feelings at all. He only cared about making mummy happy.

There use to be a man who posted about his awkward R with his D. B/c he saw the D and his W spending more time together, he just assumed that once they divorced he would never see his D very much. He was just going to resign to live a lonely life. We continued talking with him, and long story short......his D was starving for his one on one attention. The son he was so close to, married and had little time for dad.

Why can you feel "normal" toward the baby girl, yet you basically rejected the oldest girl? Yes, I'm sure she must have some serious issues, if she's cutting herself. Has she been in therapy?

I am really sad to hear about this situation. I also couldn't help to wonder why you decided to talk about it now. I have noticed that when you get a couple of posts trying to cheer you on.......it's almost as if you go to the closet to find something else to pull out. So what is it, Ghost? What was the real reason for sharing this about your daughter?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi G,

I fully agree with Sandi.

Everytime we seem to be helping you then turn around and pull a gremlin out of the hat.

Your incessant desire to make your W happy, not tread on her shoes, worry about her thoughts has cost you your self respect, her respect for you and those of your children.

The unlimited power you gave her she has not administered well and now you are paying the consequences.

Until you get your children's respect back I really see it complicated.

I had problems with my own S and I first had to earn his respect, remind him who i was. Not xxx but dad. What I stood for and yes I messed up but acknoweldged it and was going to change that. Children are forgiving. A wife can be an EX. A child is forever.

One problem you do have is to learn how to talk to your family. I think the way you say things is as important as what you say.

With all of these issues i am really not surprised your W wants out.

You gave her unlimited power, never stood your ground, she messed up, you didnt help and now she sees a broken jigsaw on the floor and doesnt know where to start on her own. Result, say sc**w it and want out.

You have to pick up the pieces only know they are not cardboard but glass and you have to be very delicate which judging by your constant desire to do things your way and then say mea culpa doesnt help.

I dont think you have reached the point of no return but you do have your work cut out. A LOT of it.

A piece of advice... honesty doesnt work with a WAS but it may work with children as does actions.


Oh and one final point... you mentioned twice about free lawyer charges and cheap cost of divorce yet you buy your daughter a pony? i dont get why you mention this fact. If I had the money to spend on a pony I would get the best lawyer to help solve this and not worry about freebies.

peace bro


M: 50
S: 25

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ATPeace Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Three years ago things were bad between my W and I and we nearly broke up my children were fighting a lot my W and I were arguing things were bad I spoke to my two eldest children and said that we all have to try to make mummy happy we all had get along with each other pull together to keep our family together.

One of the reasons that I want to keep us all together in the house is to try to make things better with my W and I realise this is going to be extremely difficult to do and I now also realise that I have a very sad and upset daughter that I also would love to build a relationship with but I do not know if this will be possible either.


OMG, Ghost. Do you not see it? You made the kids believe that it's all about making mummy happy! I felt it was all about making everyone happy and I did not see that what had happend to me as a child was affecting my Actions towards my daughter I do lover her so very much

I think the reason you gave for not being close to your 17 yr old daughter is pathetic. You took your childhood resentment toward your sister and took it out on your child. Then you saw history repeating itself between your daughter and son. Guess you did not learn from it. No I did not see what was happening I was stupid and selfish I guess

Girls need their father! A girl's relationship with her father is so important. If my father had said those words to me, I would think he didn't care about my feelings at all. He only cared about making mummy happy.

There use to be a man who posted about his awkward R with his D. B/c he saw the D and his W spending more time together, he just assumed that once they divorced he would never see his D very much. He was just going to resign to live a lonely life. We continued talking with him, and long story short......his D was starving for his one on one attention. The son he was so close to, married and had little time for dad.

Why can you feel "normal" toward the baby girl, yet you basically rejected the oldest girl? Yes, I'm sure she must have some serious issues, if she's cutting herself. Has she been in therapy? She,did,have some therapy sessions I do. Not know if enough was done at the time I know I have screwed up so badly I thought all this was about me and my W which is why I did not mention this at the time it was bought to my attention from my councillor I did buy her the horse and spend time taking her to horse shows and to the stables but once again I find my self saying I did not do enough with her I put my attention to my son

I am really sad to hear about this situation. I also couldn't help to wonder why you decided to talk about it now. I have noticed that when you get a couple of posts trying to cheer you on.......it's almost as if you go to the closet to find something else to pull out. So what is it, Ghost? What was the real reason for sharing this about your daughter?

The reason I shared this was because I have noticed more that my daughter is pulling away from me i am seeing her anger I want to talk to her To realise that I do love her and always have I have not shown it in the right way my W spent more time with her and I spent more time with my son it was just the way that we both did things. I am sure my W did tell me I was not spending enough time with daughter I selfishly did not lIseen

I have many bridges to try and build that may or may not be able to be fixed all I can do is try to become a better dad to my children ALL OF THEM



Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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I would never ever ever want my dad to give up on me. Teenagers will test their parents love. Just because she says things that are disrespectful does not mean she wants you to stop trying. But you also have to give her time (lots of time ) and space to heal. Keep showing her, through actions (but maybe also through words if that is her love language) that you love her dearly and want to be a good dad. With NO expectations in return. She may yell you to bugger off 100 times in a row. That does not mean she really wants you to. Love her unconditionally. Be the stable grownup that she needs.

And ghost, please please find some professional help for your self defeating thoughts and anxiety. I've been there. I know how impossible things can feel. But it may be the most important GAL activity you do.

I feel like you are in a dynamic here where you keep spinning in circles, folks use a stern tone and say you are not listening, and that only fuels your low self-image, as if we are proving your ideas about yourself.

But it is frustrating to see someone who is not willing to help himself. Be kind to yourself by being willing to get some professional outside help. Things CAN change for you if you are willing to give it a go.

Good luck.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Hi Ghost, your D is young and all is not lost. I agree that every girl needs her Dad. My Dad drives me a bit nuts sometimes, but equally there have been important times he has been there for me no questions asked.

This is an area for you to think about in terms of goals. Things won't turn overnight, but what can you do this month to be there more for your D. Maybe don't even start with the big things, just the smaller ones. Is there anything do you guys do together that you could extend a little and include some chat? Does your W take your D regularly to something, which you could offer to do? Does your D do something that you could go and watch?

If you think about what you naturally do with your older S, can you think about building in such activities with your D? As SS got older I found he was interested in stuff that didn't interest me much and it felt harder to bond with him. What I can recall saying to myself is - I'll offer him at least 20 mins a day of pure attention. So, if he was doing something (even if it didn't really interest me) I would join him for at least 20 mins. Now, that often extended, but it was a minimum.

I think once brigdes are built a little more, you can move onto some larger stuff. Telling your D you love her, having a shared interest you do together and so on.

I agree with others that she may not offer the response you hope for initially, and I think gentle perseverence is called for. Also, I think it is important to see that your D is an entirely separate person to your W. Even if they are close, your D is different.

Good luck with things xx

Last edited by Sotto; 10/08/15 10:47 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you ....I know they are diffentent and I know I have let them both down for now my daughter is more important than sorting my m both mean everything to me but one step at a time

Thank you

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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Ghost, my H and D barely speak, and when they do it is so awful- all they do is fight and they are both so stressed about it. My H has given up on her, this is what he was saying pre-BD, kept saying "I hate her, I can't live with her" and still now, he just says all the wrong things and does not listen to her. He has given up on her, and out of all the things wrong between us, that is the one thing I don't know that I can forgive.

What can you do today to improve things with your D? That is the R you should be working towards saving, not your M right now. Talk to her. Maybe start small and work your way up. Ask her about her horse. Can you go to a family therapist with her? She needs her dad!



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I would never give up on my daughter

No sure she would go to family therapist I will ask her

I will be the man that hopefully walks her down the Isle when she gets married and if not then I will be there with the camera recording her special day

It will take time to build bridges yes I will do things with her and her horse I do do this already I guess I am feeling very low from the m breakdown and I am taking the blame for everything and anything at the moment


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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