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Originally Posted By: photoka
I know this is a pointless question, but what the heck happened to my life?


When you figure it out, can you tell me what happened to mine?

Glad MC went well enough. You never know what may come of all of this. Sounds like you've got a good attitude about it all. Just keep going forward.

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otw Offline
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I think about my life all the time. It is you always had a life but you also always had your family as motivation or in theback of your mind. I know this how I feel. Even when doing gal I have moments when wife floods my mind.

I know I can get it back. So can you.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
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I don't know P & Az, both of your lives seem to be going pretty well except for this one "little" area. You are both more alive than you were before doing all the hard work since BD. You are stronger and more independent. You've found some ways outside your Ms to attend to your happiness. You've learned a whole lot of good relationship skills - patience, not needing to win, listening rather than talking, etc. You both seem happier than I suspect you were when you just thought everything was OK and you "had your life." Of course, the M troubles are destabilizing and upsetting, but you both seem to be learning how to navigate that world really well.

You might trade that all in for a restoration, but your M was gone long before you learned that it was gone & your world turned upside down. Before you learned that you M was bad & your S angry and unhappy, did you know your life? Really? I'd say you know your life better now than you did then (just an observation). The difference isn't the reality, then. It's the perception of your subjective reality that is you have lost your life.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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I read this quote and like it:

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely."



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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gonegrl Offline OP
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You are all wonderful friends to me. Better to me than my own H has been in a very, very long time. That should tell me something.

Thank you. Going to bed now, need my sleep for a busy day tomorrow.



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Originally Posted By: photoka

I know this is a pointless question, but what the heck happened to my life?


You know, it's a fair question.

This morning I was dropping my children off at school. I had to say "see you next week". Every time I have to say this I get filled with rage.

No, I cannot change the world. So you could say 'just learn to accept this'. But some things are unacceptable. I accept them because I have no choice, not because they are ok.

It reminds me of watching movies of slaves in Colonial days. When a family would be split up and there was nothing they could do about it. They would be furious at the slave owners, but they couldn't change the world they lived in. They had to find a balance between accepting an outrage and living their lives filled with hatred which wasn't honoring what God had given them. Not easy. Now I'm not comparing the two, I'm really not. Only looking for inspiration on how to accept things I think are unacceptable while still appreciating what I've been given. Because I truly do think courts swinging gavels and stamping off on paperwork that splits up families is a horror. I don't know that I have a better alternative. I think the WAS should have to walk, and the LBS should get the kids. You could say that's not as good for the kids, but it might be if it kept the WAS from making that decision. I don't know. All I know is this whole thing is disgusting and outrageous and it's like society acts like it's normal. MARK MY WORDS: Time travel 100 years into the future and this divorce epidemic will be by and large behind us and people of 2115 will think it was the worst thing in our century. So I will speak up to cast my vote, to influence those I can, and to be heard, so I can put it aside and enjoy the time I do have with my family and what's been left behind.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Zeus, I agree with you, the LBS should get the kids. If there is no abuse, drug abuse, untreated mental illness, the LBS should get the kids because we have honored our commitment. My SIL told me that if/when H does file for D that my IL's are going to buy a house in my town so that H can move in with them and get 50% custody so that they can be the ones raising my kids. Because they hate me.

I don't want to keep my kids from their dad, but I don't want to lose them. At all. I want them with me 100% of the time. Ok maybe 95% LOL.

It is a heartbreaking situation. And I still love my H, so that makes it even harder. I want him. I want my kids. I hope you are right about divorce in the future, Z.



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I think that will be an issue to raise in MC, as it is definitely not a good environment for the kids. [asid- Start recording or at least writing down such discussion with date, place, and time. This is all a record to hand you your L when the time comes.] And, your H needs to know that he is poisoning the water in a way that will impact the kids. If your MC has any understanding of the impact on kids (and some don't unfortunately), he/she should go to the mat to make sure your H gets this.

We know in the aggregate, kids do best joint custody arrangements than they do in single custody w/ visitation for the other parent. There are exceptions, of course. But the main large, well done study shows this fairly conclusively. Of course you don't want to be a half-time parent, but in this case it is your wants versus what's best for the kids. I know which one you'll take,even if it is hard to swallow.

So, read up on how to handle kids in a divorce so you can help educate your H on how there has to be no venting about S/exS in front of the kids, no encouraging them to take sides, not poisoning the water. It really is harmful to the kids. They love both their parents - unless there is outright abuse,and even then...

Sorry you have that struggle on topof everything.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Zues,

I like your prediction of the future. I hope you are right and that is the way things go. Not to long ago I was wondering if the complete opposite would happen.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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I agree 100 percent that LBS should get the children. WAS is not thinking of what is best for kids when they walk away. WAS walked away because they are too weak to handle something they have committed to. It takes them a while, but eventually they figure out that their children really are important (something LBS alway recognized). Or perhaps they realize child support is a drain, and it will be easier for them to just take the kids after all. Hey hire some teenage babysitter so you don't have to pay your ex !

WAS made their choice and they should have consequences. Yes visitation is reasonable. Beyond that, I disagree. You can't just commit to having children and then take them away 50% of the time because your incapable of working on a relationship.

I don't think its in the best interest for the kids to be raised by a parent that is quite frankly, that selfish. I think it sets a bad example. I don't think holidays should be divided out. Why should I be responsible for all the daily grind and then WAS gets to experience waking up with them Christmas morning to see them Open presents? It sends mixed messages to the kids.

I feel like you can use research to make a case for anything, especially in the field of psychology. Heck, you can just use a different statistical method and you will have a different answer. Children need stability plain and simple. That is what is in their best interest. WAS has already proved they are not stable and certainly not reliable.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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