Dealing with WW, Kids, and Divorce

[WhyUs]

Hey Drew,

Our D will be a bit complicated because we own a business together. It will take a long time for it to be final. Therefore, we had to have a temporary financial hearing and custody hearing. Neither the custody or financial agreements are permanent.

However, from what I have read, the courts do not usually change the temporary custody order unless they have good reason. Right now my L thinks we do not have enough. I will speak to him hopefully today or tomorrow and lay it all out on the table. I intend to have him understand that I want a change in the temporary custody agreement and that we are not being aggressive enough.

Everyone I have spoken to is shocked at what is going on with the custody. Drew, thank you for having me question myself on how to handle this issue.

[Drew]

So a question for you, and the answer may help you. You've said you own a business together and that it wouldn't survive without your wife. So how is it that she was considered the primary caregiver to the children in your temporary custody agreement? Is she? Was she? Or did it default to her?

Again, based on my limited knowledge of your sitch, I would have thought this is a point your lawyer would have pushed.

[WhyUs]

While I will say that I am a very involved parent-more than any father that I know, She was the primary care giver. She worked 17 hrs a week and I worked 40. We own a business together but I work full time in another job. Right now, she definitely is the primary caregiver since she is with them all the time. She has changed a lot since all of this happened. It is like the kids are second to her. She only wants them more because of a control issue that she has. She had a drinking problem that my lawyer did push and we had a lot of evidence to support it. We just did not have anything showing the children were in danger while in her care.

Things I am doing now:

I go to the school and have lunch with both kids on a weekly basis. I attend all school conferences. I have intellectual and physical activities for the kids when I have them. I have them spend time with friends as well. I always say nice things about their mother. I take them to church on Sunday when I have them. I try to cook for them more than have them eat out. I ensure that all homework is done when I have them during the week. I encourage conversations with them whether it is about something that upsets them or just something they want to talk about.

I keep a journal of the activities that we have been doing and of the negative things that their mom does.

[Drew]

Thanks for the info. I understand better now.

And please understand my first wish is that you DB your butt off and save your marriage. In the right way.

But let's say you don't. What do you want? Do you want 50/50 custody? It's not easy.

Think about that.

[Vanilla]

I believe its what is best for the kids, from my perspective WhyUs looks like the more stable parent.

As kids come first, last and in the middle, 50-50 looks sensible to me, if things are truly awful with a wayward its a stepping post.

Just my 2c

V

[WhyUs]

Thank you Drew.

You present a very good question. I have thought long and hard about weather I want 50/50 custody. I have my selfish reasons for wanting it and not wanting it. I know that I will have an easier time of finding a new mate with out it. I know that life will be much less stressful without 50/50 custody. I also, know that I miss my children like crazy and to not want to miss a second of them growing up. I know that my children need me in their lives as much as possible. I know that I am jealous of my WW getting more kids with my wife.

I do not think my WW is capable of maintaining the current custody agreement without having some sort of mental breakdown. This will eventually affect my kids.

Ultimately, I think I should try for the 50/50 custody for my children. I truly believe that I am a good father and they are going to need me in their lives. WW has always had some sort of health or mental issue her entire life. I suspect this will not change. WW is clueless about money and I am afraid my children will end up that way without my influence in their lives. WW is irresponsible in many ways. She is never on time being places or for anything really.

The only job she has ever been able to hold down is the one she has now and that is because we own the business. She can not fire herself. She is amazing at what she does. However, many clients get frustrated with her because she forgets appointments, does not complete her work, or shows up late. These are all traits I do not want my children to have. She really struggle to prioritize things. Instead of completing something that a person paid $2,500 for she will take the kids on a pic-nic because she feels they need it. In other words, responsibility is a real struggle for her and always has been.

[Drew]

I believe its what is best for the kids, from my perspective WhyUs looks like the more stable parent.

As kids come first, last and in the middle, 50-50 looks sensible to me, if things are truly awful with a wayward its a stepping post.

Just my 2c

V

Just FYI, I fought for and got 50/50 custody and have it to this day.

[WhyUs]

What type of things did you have to do to get the 50/50 custody? Any advice is welcome.

You said 50/50 is not easy. Do you have regrets?

[Drew]

What type of things did you have to do to get the 50/50 custody? Any advice is welcome.

Hired a good lawyer. Insisted on it. Lived it. Compromised where I had to.

You said 50/50 is not easy. Do you have regrets?

None.

[Painter]

I understand what your L is thinking, but meanwhile, the children suffer. We've been through this with H's ex and years of conflict takes a huge toll on the kids.

We actually ended up with them full time.