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Originally Posted By: Drew
In your other thread you said confidence drives attractiveness.


Does this sound very confident to you?


I do believe confidence drive attractiveness. In this letter I was trying not to come off as a jerk. I tried not to sound like I was unsure of what I was asking while also taking into account it is really out of my hands. I was simply trying for balance. However, after reading the other responses that people of given I am thinking this really is not out of my hands. I am certainly rethinking my approach. At this point I think the letter is a bad idea. I need to have a heart to heart talk with my L.


And yes, I agree that I am way to focused on her. I was doing well with the detaching until this most recent issue. I need to get back on track. I will say that emotionally I do not feel anything like I did those first few months. I do not hurt like that at all anymore.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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I thought the general consensus was that letters to your other half was not a good idea. I think I was given that advice and have passed it on. I did one before I got here and it didn't do me any good. Make me sound like a sniveling idiot!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Originally Posted By: fade
The fact that your lawyer is not all over this is very disappointing and does not bode well for you receiving good representation.

You should have right of first refusal explicitly stated in a custody order. Even without RFR in the order, there is no reason why the grandparents should have them and not you. In every jurisdiction I am aware of, unless there is some sort of restraining order then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to go collect your kids from their grandparents if your wife is not with them. Your inlaws are not the parent, and do not have custody, even partial. You do.

I would suggest you go right now to visit the grandparents, calmly tell them the truth that their mother is with her boyfriend and that you are going to watch your own children because she apparently doesn't want to.

I think your fear of telling the truth about your situation is unfounded. You need to fight back because you are letting her create precedent, and that is 90% of the battle. You need to put pressure on her - dont keep her secret about the affair, dont let her win support by pinning this on you, dont thank her for allowing you to see your own kids, and find a lawyer who will fight for modifications to the custody order. You have a lot of ammo if you move fast - her leaving the kids for days for an affair, her violations of RFR, her blocking their participation in sports, and she left the family home.



Fade,

Wow, thank you. This is how I have been feeling. I just have not heard this from anyone else. It seems like this issue has really hit home with a lot of folks. The L I currently use was recommended by two really good friends that are also L's. One of the L's said that he thought this L would not be aggressive enough but they both ultimately said for me to go with him. This is why I have hesitated to sack him.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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[/quote]

Totally agree.

You can contact fathers' rights organizations to get recommendations for L in your area.

I would also add - document everything. Create a binder that shows how she interferes with your relationship with the children and frustrates your efforts to bond with them (for instance through sports).

You can also ask the court for mandatory co-parenting classes for both parties, and offer to pay for them if you want to make sure you get it. [/quote]

Painter, thank you for the support. This is what I have needed to hear. I really am appreciative for everyone that is chipping in.

Last edited by WhyUs; 10/07/15 07:32 PM.

Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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raliced,

Thank you very much for stopping by my thread. I appreciate any advice I can get. I love your perspective on dealing with the in-laws. This has been very frustrating for me. We were always close and now it is like we are enemies. I have always loved them. It is really hard to accept that they treat me like an outsider these days. I am going to start making an effort to work with them.

I do want to talk to my L about if I should disclose my knowledge of WW going out of town and making things physical. I don't want her to know how I found out and I am afraid she will figure it out. I need to know if I need more evidence before I give up my source.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Originally Posted By: Huddy
I thought the general consensus was that letters to your other half was not a good idea. I think I was given that advice and have passed it on. I did one before I got here and it didn't do me any good. Make me sound like a sniveling idiot!


Huddy,

Right now the only way I have to communicate with WW is through email. We have a mutual restraining order against each other. Her attorney specifically requested this. This by the way was against the judges lecture at the end of our temporary hearing in that he told us to work together and discuss how we can best raise the children through this mess.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Originally Posted By: WhyUs
We have a mutual restraining order against each other. Her attorney specifically requested this. This by the way was against the judges lecture at the end of our temporary hearing in that he told us to work together and discuss how we can best raise the children through this mess.

What exactly has your lawyer done on your behalf?

Because I'm not seeing anything. You could have not appeared, been found in default, and gotten the same result.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Good question,

He has negotiated decently on the financial side of things even though I think he could have done that better as well. When I first met him I did not feel like he had a good grasp of the situation. During the custody hearing I thought he was blowing it until the end. Then he came full circle.

She had taken out a Emergency Protective order against me in order to get the full custody of the kids for about 25 days. He was able to show the judge that it was frivolous--which it totally was. They came into court asking for supervised visits. The judge essentially laughed at them for that.

A lot of the things that WW has done happened after the custody order was in place. He told me to wait it out because she will eventually mess up real bad. I think his strategy is to make sure we have enough to be 100% the order will be changed. Every time I go to court it costs me about $1,500.


Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs
EA: Started 3/2015
MC Started: 4/2015
She moved out and served 6/2015
PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015
2 young kids

"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
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Posts: 2,320
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Originally Posted By: WhyUs
He has negotiated decently on the financial side of things even though I think he could have done that better as well.

Maybe it's different in your state, but typically finances aren't even discussed until a final parenting agreement is in place.

Originally Posted By: WhyUs
He told me to wait it out because she will eventually mess up real bad.

Are you willing to stake the next 10-15 years of your time with your children on that assumption?

Originally Posted By: WhyUs
I think his strategy is to make sure we have enough to be 100% the order will be changed.

It's not his strategy. It's yours.


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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Do you have your kids yet?



Why not?

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