H just moved out, making it hard to detach

[ciluzen]

Thank you, sandi2. I actually did stop all of the pleading and crying after I found DB. I'm pretty sure he is in more of an EA with this friend/employee. She is very friendly and fun to be around,I even enjoy her company!
When I was a SAHM, I babysat her kids for years. I (we)still am/are very involved with her family. Our social group is comprised of people we met through her as are many of his clients. I have always been a) socially lazy b) an introvert and c)happy to follow along. Both she and my husband love to be social, run the show, and are very good at reaching out to make things happen. I fell into the trap of relying on them to organize all of our events,get togethers, and even vacations. More and more my husband would talk to and text others to plan our weekend activities,and I LET HIM! Then, when I watched him having so much fun, even when my energy or interest lagged (for example, I'm not a drinker...he likes to bartend), I started to feel ignored, left out of the loop,and even abandoned. I started to withdraw. When he would later check on me or recap the event later, I would ALWAYS complain and tell him how bad he made me feel. He has now told me it just became expected that he would always end up doing something wrong,so he stopped even trying to make me happy because I always ended up ruining his enjoyable times.Due to the fact that I started to focus on their closeness, I actually became jealous and made myself miserable just seeing them laugh together, even though they were with an entire group. And he (told me) he made himself stop caring about what I felt. HE DETACHED.
So, after he dropped the bombshell that he loves and cares for me very much, but doesn't like me and has made himself stop being attracted to me, I took a few soul searching crying pleading weeks BEFORE I found DB. Now I am
a)reading material I have found on this site including DR and DB
b)trying to reach out to people I've met through work and cultivate friendships NOT in common with H
c) pursue interests that H did not enjoy but I did and find others who can do them with me (art shows, hiking,indy and foreign films- meetup.com is an awesome help in this!)
d)paying attention to self care (I've always been a health nut, but my pushing those habits on him grated on his nerves). My weight loss was a bit much and due to stress, now I'm just trying to keep that in check.
e) talking to others. I begin my search for a marriage counselor (for me) tomorrow.
I am, as I've said, just having trouble detaching and worrying about how far to go. He is obviously hurting and finding this decision of his difficult (good, right?)and says he still wants to be friends and parent our 2 adult daughters together. He is leaving much of his stuff here (after 25 yrs we have a lot of stuff)and keeps saying that he is only breaking up one couch set.He keeps telling me I'm not a bad person, I'm a good and nice person, that he's not telling me I should change, there's nothing wrong with me. I have told him I own my bad behavior and how it has contributed and even caused most of our problems, and that I do need to change because I have made myself unhappy. Ugh. I really feel awful for my part in this mess and need to do a lot of work on me.

[ciluzen]

Oh, and as far as our marriage before the "stuff", we were best friends, partners, involved and loving parents, and everyone talked of what a great loving couple we were. I stayed at home and he worked, but I coached soccer, painted pictures for his office (art degree)and sold pictures to his clients, invested and ran our finances,taught art lessons, and made our house the house that everyone liked to send their kids over to play at. We were a happy partnership. What changed? I withdrew. I felt I slowed everyone down when we skiied (the kids got so much better than me) so I stopped going. I stressed about their teenaged years (school, social stuff, sports, etc)and became nagging, controlling and overly involved.My attention to him and his needs decreased, I was even irritated when he would show me too much physical attention in public...told him to stop. What I wouldn't give to back in time and kick my own butt.

[sandi2]

She is very friendly and fun to be around,I even enjoy her company!
When I was a SAHM, I babysat her kids for years. I (we)still am/are very involved with her family.

If I were you, I'd have to stop the involvement with her family. He has spent two night with her?

He has now told me it just became expected that he would always end up doing something wrong,so he stopped even trying to make me happy because I always ended up ruining his enjoyable times.Due to the fact that I started to focus on their closeness, I actually became jealous and made myself miserable just seeing them laugh together, even though they were with an entire group. And he (told me) he made himself stop caring about what I felt. HE DETACHED.

I totally get it. However, we women are our own worst enemies at times. Let's face it, jealousy is due to insecurities. Sadly, we take it out on the guy we love, which pushes him away.

So, after he dropped the bombshell that he loves and cares for me very much, but doesn't like me and has made himself stop being attracted to me, I took a few soul searching crying pleading weeks BEFORE I found DB.

Do you buy it? How does one make themselves stop being attracted to the person they love and care about sooooo much?

Men lose attraction for us when we become unattractive. Not just in the physical sense, but the part that made them fall in love with us. That inner beauty that every woman can have.

I like the things you are doing! Sounds very healthy and good for the soul. Keep it up, okay?

I believe the fastest way to our H's heart is to become the woman he fell in love with.

You have a long history with him. I doubt he will forget it.

Have you read very much on MLC?

[ciluzen]

I have been reading about MLC. The MLC boards have been very helpful, as have many of the boards here. In regards to your question about him spending two nights with her, no. I meant that I had made it known to him that his relationship with her appeared to be inappropriately close and that they should not be doing so much together. So he simply lied to me two times that I know of that they had done activities together. Of course karma being what it is, I found out.

[ciluzen]

So, H moved out Saturday and came back to watch tv. I was cheerful, helpful, and listened with interest and eye contact to his stories, concerns, and news. I did not offer to make dinner (I love to feed people) and when he told me to come watch football with him, I remembered after 20 minutes that I was detaching, and went back upstairs. He came up about 30 minutes later, looking crushed, and said he guessed he would leave. I told him he was welcome to stay and watch tv. He decided to leave but said he would call to check on me in the morning and come pick up more things later.
I didn't receive a call in the morning and started to do my old obsessing, waiting, getting myself down over lack of hearing from him. Basically being needy. So I went outside to do yard work. When he came by that evening, I was cheerful, but stuck to my tasks instead of following him around as he collected things on his list.I was helpful when he asked if we had certain things he could take.
He grabbed a beer when he was done and went to watch tv, but came back up when I didn't follow him. He sat down and started talking. He had told his employees, parents, friends that he had moved out. He told me his dad had said leave the door open for reconciliation...he said he told him he was. That was different from what he had previously said to me, but no expectations is my new mantra. He also spoke about asking the apartment manager about how hard it would be to break his lease if he didn't want to stay the whole time. We just talked,or rather, he did. I mostly listened.
I did go through the pantry and fridge and offer him foods that he eats that I don't really care about. I also offered two watercolors I had done (our daughters skiing and one of our oldest girl with his grandmother) when he asked if he could put something on the walls.
I have no expectations, but does that conflict with having hope? Does detaching mean I can't be nice and giving to someone I still love? I am working on me, but I don't want to change the parts of me that are good. Just the things that got me into this mess. He keeps saying he doesn't know what he's doing and doesn't want to abandon me.
I still need to find a counselor,too.

[ciluzen]

So tonight I am having a little trouble holding it together. I went to work and kept myself fairly busy, and then went to a friend's child's sporting event, which was great and I got to talk to that friend. But now I'm home and alone, eating alone, and just wishing he would call or come home. I've always been sort of ok alone when I was certain he'd be home. The waiting wasn't so bad. But right now, there is no certainty of him calling and I refuse to call or text unless its necessary. I haven't yet created any friendships in which people just call to talk, or where I feel comfortable doing that, and I don't want to rely on my daughters all of the time. I have booked activities as part of my branching out and trying to make friends but that's so new. He's always been the communicator and social director. He is the friend in our group of friends; I'm just the tag-along. He told me that one of our mutual friends called him Sunday to see how he was doing, and then said she thought of calling me but didn't because she was afraid of upsetting me. Ive talked to her and known her for almost 20 years. I really understand now how my allowing him to do all the leg work socially has screwed myself over.
I'm really missing him and his friendship.

[Azzork]

Hello Cil -

Sounds like it's time to start making your own friends. Friends that know you as CILUZEN and not CILUZEN's husband's wife.

What kinds of things are you doing to that effect?

[ciluzen]

Hey Azzork-
Funny thing, I was just reading some of your posts and was impressed with your goal setting. It caused me to start thinking about mine.
I have joined a few meetup groups in our area this past week, and have already participated in one activity. I also have RSVPed to a few more.
I have looked into some activities that our local library offers and am attending one tomorrow.
I have really pushed myself to connect more with people I enjoy at work and have invited them to join me in activities I am interested in. That has been pretty successful.
One of my goals this week was to communicate with people more- give them a call or text to say hi, invite them to an activity, suggest a get together, or just thank them for something they have done or just are.
I'm really trying...I see the old habits have not helped me at all. I USED to be a fun person. I think I got lost somewhere along the way as I became just the wife and mom. Now that my kids are mostly grown, I feel like I dont really know who I am anymore. I understand now why my husband would ask me, "did I hold you back?" and why when I would ask, "what are we doing this weekend?" he would answer "what do YOU want to do?". I never could answer that. I really had no idea! Now I'm trying to find out.

[Azzork]

Hey Azzork-
Funny thing, I was just reading some of your posts and was impressed with your goal setting. It caused me to start thinking about mine.
I have joined a few meetup groups in our area this past week, and have already participated in one activity. I also have RSVPed to a few more.
I have looked into some activities that our local library offers and am attending one tomorrow.
I have really pushed myself to connect more with people I enjoy at work and have invited them to join me in activities I am interested in. That has been pretty successful.
One of my goals this week was to communicate with people more- give them a call or text to say hi, invite them to an activity, suggest a get together, or just thank them for something they have done or just are.
I'm really trying...I see the old habits have not helped me at all. I USED to be a fun person. I think I got lost somewhere along the way as I became just the wife and mom. Now that my kids are mostly grown, I feel like I dont really know who I am anymore. I understand now why my husband would ask me, "did I hold you back?" and why when I would ask, "what are we doing this weekend?" he would answer "what do YOU want to do?". I never could answer that. I really had no idea! Now I'm trying to find out.

That sounds great! Ive found that making new friends has been my salvation through this ordeal. People that know me as "Azzork" and dont know or dont really care about all of this stuff. That way, I can get a few hours where Im having a good time, enjoying life, and not thinking about all of this crap that just drags me down.

The less time you spend thinking about your situation, the less effect it will have on you, and......the less time you will spend thinking about your situation.

Things cascade. They snowball. They BUILD. Do one thing, meet one person, who introduces you to three more. Then one of those people introduces you to three more. And so on. And now, you have a whole new network of friends!

But YOU have to take the first step. And it sounds like you are.

[ciluzen]

Thank you for the supportive words. I like the bit about people knowing you as you, and not as part of the past "stuff". I'm trying. I should probably set some goals down, as you did.

H called me last night while I was out, so I returned the call.He just called for no reason. He was surprised that I wasn't at home (I had gone to a lecture at the library!). I tried to stay detached a bit, but still answer some of his questions. It was a little easier to do, this time, probably because I was tired and really wanted to sleep. I was pleasant, though, and the first to hang up.

A few goals for myself are:

a)Paint or draw for at least 15 minutes a day, no matter what.
b) Have popular paintings scanned and turned into prints and cards within 2 weeks.
c) Go to at least one meetup activity a week.
d)Call or text a friend or someone I would like to become friends with each day.
e)Go outside for any reason at least once a day (yardwork, hike, walk, etc. even if it is raining or snowing.
f)Work out every day.
g)Eat 3 meals a day
h)Take my vitamins
i)Act "as if".

That last one is the hardest right now, because I really want to see his calling and being friendly as good signs that this surreal situation will magically disappear, but then I remember that at my daughter's birthday lunch and at home that night that he was almost flirty, I got my hopes up, and then 2 days later he announced he was moving out.

So, I need to push "as if" a little harder.