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#2612819 10/06/15 03:47 PM
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Journaling: My wife just moved out this past Saturday evening.

I was a frequent poster here back in 2006/2007. Mainly in the other forums (infidelity and later piecing). I am now 48, W 40, 2 sons 23 and 19. 20 year anniversary in July 2015.

Quick summary: Back in 2006 my wife revealed she had been heavily involved physically and emotionally with a man 30 years her senior who she spent a lot of time with in the music program at church. We went to counseling. I also began implementing DB. Things seemed to improve somewhat slowly, but she did not want to continue with counseling and didn't really work on the marriage much. She just settled in for a peaceful coexistence. I obviously wanted much more but didn't push her. That didn't really make the marriage any better of course because she wasn't putting forth effort. So our home life was much improved, but our relationship (by her choice) got put on the 'hamster wheel' where we continued living together and doing 'married things' but she was mainly going through the motions and didn't really try to connect. I mostly respected that, although every now and then we'd have small args over where we were going, mainly only when big life decisions came up.

Things muddled along. In early 2013 I received an email from a woman who said my W had been texting with her H (a much older man who, shockingly, she was involved with in music at our church), and one of the messages was my W texting her H that she loved him. I printed out the email and just handed it to my W. She told me it was a harmless 'flirtation' and the I love you message was sent accidentally, that it was meant for our younger son. As the kids say now...Whatever.

I confronted the man and suggested he leave my W alone. Contact was supposedly ended. It's never come up again.

Things muddled along again for the year after that. Beginning Xmas of 2013, though, everything seemed to be picking up without any arranged or deliberate effort on our part. We began getting closer. Began doing more things together again. Even got to where we were looking forward to seeing each other at the end of the day...something that neither of us had experienced in years. Things looked promising.

That promise continued into 2015. She and I both had been advancing in our respective jobs/careers, and although we're certainly not wealthy, no debt and low overhead, plus the fact our kids have moved out and are on their own more or less, gave us a lot more flexibility in terms of time and some extra spending money. We both love the Gulf coast and started going there a couple times a year, and have also been going away for a long weekend every month or two in the mountains nearby. Going into June of this year, I realized my immediate reaction to thinking or seeing about her was always pleasant. Not sure when that happened; but it had.

That more than anything else filled me with hope and optimisim for the first time in years. I was really proud of her, myself, and us. Except for one thing...she had begun drinking very heavily as we got closer and things got better. At least 3 glasses of wine most nights...more sometimes during the week and often on weekends. Just a couple weeks before we were set to go to the Gulf for our anniversary trip, I found her passed out in our bedroom, vomiting in her sleep and with a big knot on her head. She had fallen and hit her head on the bedframe or night table or something. She didn't remember (when she finally woke up...I was just about to call 911).

We had a talk about that. She agreed it had gotten out of hand but insisted it wasn't going to be a regular thing. There had been a time or two in the past when she overdid it with alcohol, but that had mainly been when she and I were together and having fun together, and she just (I thought) lost track.

I didn't put the screws to her or anything, but I did tell her I was very concerned. Over the next two weeks, she reduced her drinking dramatically. Then we went to the beach for our anniversary.

I wasn't as happy as I was the previous month because the drinking concerned me. She said she wasn't going to drink much on the trip. First night we had dinner at a nice restaurant overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. Took selfies of ourselves with the gulf in the background from the deck of the restaurant. It was fun, light, and happy. She had one glass of wine at dinner and that was it.

The next morning she went to lay on the beach and I drove into town for some fishing supplies. We met back at the condo for lunch, and I put the fishing tackle together for surf fishing and she went back to lay on the beach. She had brought a giant insulated cup full of iced wine with her that morning (probably held half a bottle), had a drink at lunch, then refilled the cup and went down to the beach.

I checked on some work emails and she came back up to the condo mid-afternoon and refilled the cup with iced wine. I asked her not to, that she'd already drank way too much. She did it anyway and left.

I got down to the beach about an hour later. She was sitting in one of those low beach chairs that keep you just above the sand and had it right where the water hits the sand, with the surf just occasionally hitting her legs. She was passed out, slumped slightly forward in her chair, her iPhone half buried in the wet send next to her chair.

I got her back up to dry sand. This was July so there were people everywhere. Tried to get her to sleep it off for a while on her beach towel. She was acting 'wrong' however and I was afraid she might do something to get the police or condo staff alerted, so I got her up and walking with me back to our condo. Instead of walking with me, she refused to use my arm for support or anything, and fell down several times on the beach. She stumbled when she walked. She made it up the boardwalk but fell down on the sidewalk back to the condo, fell right into a line of bushes right in front of condo units where people sitting outside saw her and made comments.

Back in the unit, I asked for her phone to see if it was working and such. Amazingly it was working, and I found text messages to a guy she works with at church (a little older than her, and a music guy...again, shocking!) who is married and the husband of a friend of hers. She was asking him where he was and hoped he was alone or else she'd be jealous. Said she wished they had a week to just 'have fun and explore' each other.

I immediately took pictures of those texts with my phone. When she woke up I confronted her about it, and she immediately started lying. I realized she was still very drunk (by then it was 6 or 7 pm). She had at some point taken a shower to wash off from the beach and didn't put any clothes on. She remained naked and trying to cozy up to me constantly once I confronted her about the texts.

It was clearly going to be a long night and I didn't want anything negative to happen. So I asked her to start packing her stuff, that we needed to go home (about a 4 hour drive) which would put us home about midnight. She refused. So I packed up my stuff, told her I was going to sleep in a hotel, and that I would text her when I got there, tell her where it was, etc. She asked me not to go, even tried to block the door, but eventually I left peaceably, and notified her by text that I would be back at 8am, that I wanted her to have her stuff packed and ready to go so we could load up and go home.

There were several back and forth calls and texts with her pleading for me to come back but I spent the night at the hotel and was back at the condo at 7:30 the next morning. She tried to get me to stay, apologized profusely. We actually were supposed to be there the whole week, and this was wednesday morning. I refused and insisted we go back home. So we did.

We talked on the drive home. I expressed my concern, told her she needed some help, and that we needed to get into counseling together as well. When we got home she went to an AA meeting the next day, but came home and said that wasn't for her. She started seeing a therapist the next week. I supported her for that and told her to tell me when she was ready to talk about things, that I'd give her some space but that we couldn't really move forward in the marriage until she came clean to me about what was going on, we identified and worked on any probs, etc.

Several weeks went by. She refused to discuss anything about counseling with me. I laid off as much as possible, but things would come up that she wanted from me or plans she wanted to make for recreational activities and I told her I wasn't comfortable getting back into our previous routine where I thought things were so good if she wasn't going to discuss with me what was going on with her, this other man, etc. She continued to insist there was nothing to it, and refused to discuss counseling.

Now, we had another beach trip planned for mid september. For the last few years, we rent a condo at the same place and invite our parents down for however long either her parents or mine want to come and stay. I didn't want to go, I was going to cancel even though I'd already paid. But my in-laws started calling me with questions about the trip, what they could bring, how they were looking forward to it; and my parents also started calling...my mom in particular (who is 70) has recently got very interested in fishing and loves surf fishing down there with me. They had had a rough year with health problems with my dad and hadn't had a vacation since the previous year, so they were really looking forward to it.

With all that I didn't want to cancel on them. And since they're getting on in years and dad has health problems, I don't know how many more trips like this we will have an opportunity or ability to take, so I didn't cancel.

Things went ok. It was very difficult for me and I was very angry...I guess being there again brought the July events back to the front of my mind. She wanted to have fun and acted very interested in me, offered a lot of sex before our parents got there, but that just made me angrier because I felt like she wasn't addressing any problems and just trying to sweep things under the rug and keep distance between us, while offering superficial companionship to keep up appearances.

My parents confided in me after the trip that they felt like something wasn't quite right. However, we (and especially mom) caught a lot of fish and had a lot of fun. Had a big fish fry the last night. Overall it was time well spent with my parents and in-laws (who I love very much, btw).

The two weeks or so since the trip have been a mess. Many small arguments. Her asking me to go back to how things were before July. Me telling her that wasn't possible without addressing the problems...that if things were so great before July, then she wouldn't have been drinking too much and the crap that happened on the previous trip (and the sexting with her co-worker) wouldn't have happened.

She withdrew more. Things have been very, very tense with a lot of friction in every interaction. Then, this past Saturday, she announced she was moving out and staying with a friend of hers. I should note that her closest girl friends have all committed adultery themselves, are all phonies in my opinion who spend a lot of time involved in church activities but who find all kinds of justifications for their very un-Christian behavior.

So now she's off at her friend's house. After all the threats of divorce and other men and everything else, I'm just drained. I've put so much into this, and took so much on the chin over the years, that I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me.

The one thing I can attest to...which is the purpose of this long-winded story...is that DB-ing works. To me, it's really about you and not the marriage...but in the sense that you have to have your act together, be reasonably strong, independent, and capable of loving regardless of what happens with the marriage, but if you are all those things, you have something to give and have the ability (and stability) for a good marriage foundation, yes, but for life itself.

Over the years everything I've done has paid off for me if not for the marriage. It has been there for her to enjoy if she wanted to, but she doesn't seem to want to. When I first showed up here in 2006, I was a total mess. Crying all the time, pleading with her, begging for attention, totally unable to deal with the hurt that I felt over what she had done and who she had done it with.

At this point, this is the third day she's been gone. I've had a couple of bad moments (mainly at night, here by myself) where I confess I have cried myself to sleep. When she left, I asked her not to go, told her I'd prefer for her to stay, but then I went off into the kitchen where I was doing fishing reel maintenance while she packed up and left. I didn't try to hinder her in any way.

The last time I talked to her, I told her that I loved her and that I didn't want a divorce, but it was clear to me that she's not interested in being married to me or willing to participate in the relationship. If I really wanted this marriage to continue I know that's prob not what to say...but at this point I don't care, really. I've carried this marriage mostly on my own shoulders even when I thought we were doing it together and making progress, and I'm just dog tired now.

I am not a quitter and I believe in commitment. I am a child of divorce myself and understand how life changes for everyone afterward. For most, there is no real net gain. Might have a happier relationship (thought statistically that is not the case) but there are more issues that affect everyone that people just don't understand or anticipate.

Despite everything I would be willing to continue with the marriage if she decides she wants to actually do what it takes, but I don't expect that.

So I told her that while I loved her and don't want a divorce, if she has her lawyer draw up a reasonable agreement I will sign it with no hassle once my lawyer has looked it over. Most of our finances are expenses have been separate for a few years now, and the main issue is the house that we own jointly. But I've always paid the mortgage myself, and most of the bills myself, and most of the maintenance myself. I told her I'd reimburse her for the few thousand she put into it to help her move or pay her friend rent. And that I would also help her get her car fixed and maintenance up to date so that would be one less thing to worry about for her.

If we get divorced I will hang around town for a year or so to make sure my sons have my support and to help them get more stable in their own lives, then I will likely leave town because I don't want to be here and have to run into her with new men at restaurants, etc. It's a small university town in the south. Offering to reimburse and help her with relocating is simply because if I'm starting my life over, I want it to be from a position of strength and goodness, and to set a decent example for my boys.

One of the reasons I feel like I'm able to handle this with a reasonable degree of positivity is because of the things I learned in DB...which, again, are really just about being a strong, healthy individual. My counselor that I saw years ago also helped a lot, as have family and friends. And especially my boys.

In closing, I think the principles of DB-ing really are a great thing to provide necessary structure and guidance on your journey through life, and I recommend doing those things...really doing them. While I'm very, very sad to possibly entering a life change that I don't really want, I believe I eventually gave my wife and marriage the best I had to offer, and is something I'm proud of and it helps take some of the edge off the pain and difficulty.

And I know that if I live with kindness, love, integrity, and character to the best of my ability, things will be ok no matter what she ultimately decides.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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I know that roughly half of first marriages end in D, and around 70+% of second marriages do as well.

Questions if anyone knows:

1. Does that stat continue to increase for third, fourth, etc?

2. What about for marriages where it's one spouses first and one spouse's second? Is it considered a 2nd marriage for research purposes?

Is it more likely that a spouse who's been previously married will be the one to initiate a divorce...or is there research on that?

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Originally Posted By: tl2
I know that roughly half of first marriages end in D, and around 70+% of second marriages do as well.

Questions if anyone knows:

1. Does that stat continue to increase for third, fourth, etc?

Yes, I dont know the other answers to your other questions,

and for that matter I dont know if their are any statistics concerning what happens if you DB or use some other marriage website.

I believe the nationwide statistic for re-marrying your original spouse is about 10%.

I hope that helps


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Thank you, Cadet.

What's interesting to me is that this is my first marriage, her second. I've always been highly motivated to work on it, her first choice is always to leave when things get tough...in a way, she always leaves emotionally and mentally even if she stayed physically.

She had an unhappy late childhood and adolescence because of a lot of tension and unhappiness between her parents, so always thinks it would've been better for them to divorce.

I lived through the divorce of my parents which occurred shortly before I became a teenager, so lived with and through that pain, remarriages, etc. and have always been against D.

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Hello, Tl2! Just caught up reading your sitch. I see a lot of similarities. My H was married once before, but this is my first (and only). He was cheated on in his first M, but he's turned into the cheater in this one. I don't want D...He does. However, he's turned so ugly, it's better to be away from him for now, and pick up the pieces later, if that is God's plan.

I just know at this point I've got tons of healing to do. I'm going to use this time to become what I'm meant to be. I have faith that if we're meant to be together, then that is what will happen.

I'll be watching your thread for insight and inspiration. smile


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Hi Ancaire,

Don't know how much insight/inspiration can be found here haha.

I'm in the final stages of the divorce...papers seem to be finished and will probably be signed and all done in the next two weeks.

I'm not happy about it. I don't want it. But I accept it. And the truth is, my STBX is not a very nice person...I always held out hope that she was better than that, but aside from putting on a good public showing, she always bails, always quits, always leaves when the mess gets messy enough...leaves everyone else to clean it all up while she goes on to the next one.

I never believed that was who she truly is. Appears I was wrong about that.


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