So...... I know the longer I can drag out our divorce the better chance we have of R. She filed on 9.14.2015. She scheduled our first mediation for 10.7.2015. We have our initial status conference on 10.20.2015. She's hoping we can have every thing done by mid December. How do I slow this down with out getting into litigation and costing us a ton of money?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Mediation tomorrow. Got to figure out how to drag my feet and slow this process down. Give God as much time to work as possible.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
My family use to go to church on a very regular basis. WW has only gone to church once with us and once with a girlfriend since her A 4 months ago. I've also been able to get her to watch it online with us once. Every week I continue to tell her when I'm going to be taking out daughter and asking if she would like to join us. I have also periodically throughout the week asked her if she would like me to load it on the TV so she could watch church. I told her last night I would set it up if she wanted me to. She didn't respond. On my way into work this morning she called to discuss schedules this week. I told her I might go watch Monday Night Football but if she wanted to watch church I would come home and set it up for her instead. She said she didn't mind if I went to watch football. When I arrived at work I sent a txt saying "I'm praying for you".
This is way too pushy. It will smother a WW. You cannot force feed her. Let it go and let her put on her big girl panties.
Oh, another tip is don't tell her you are praying for her. To a WW, it sounds kind of like a preacher or fanatic, and it turns her off. I mean, sure you can pray for her.....but don't tell her you are. The main point is that you were totally pursuing her. It makes no difference if people use their kids, church, work, holidays.....whatever, it's still a source of pursuit.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
g, I am not sure there is anything we can do to slow the process down. i feel like i ma watching a movie but i can feel the pain. There is nothing we can do. I watched war room last night and i am not sure if it helped me or made me feel worse. it makes everything look so easy and all happy endings. I am trying to let him work also, i just dont know where he wants me to work myself or if i should be doing anything different.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Got to figure out how to drag my feet and slow this process down. Give God as much time to work as possible.
God doesn't need your help. He is big enough to handle things in His own way and in His own time. (I know, I try to give God suggestions all the time. )
I don't know that I agree that the LBS should drag their feet to slow the process down. B/c when you drag your feet, you are resisting her. All it really accomplishes is in her getting more angry and maybe sticking it to you more....b/c she's mad. I do agree that she needs to take care of the paperwork, etc. But if you are focused on what to do to slow things down, it takes away your attention on what you need to do to change the dynamics of the relationship.
Who knows, it may take a D to open her eyes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
g, I am not sure there is anything we can do to slow the process down. i feel like i ma watching a movie but i can feel the pain. There is nothing we can do. I watched war room last night and i am not sure if it helped me or made me feel worse. it makes everything look so easy and all happy endings. I am trying to let him work also, i just dont know where he wants me to work myself or if i should be doing anything different.
I know what you're saying. My parents watched War Room and suggested I watch it but I'm not sure I want to watch a movie about a struggling marriage. I'm living it. I did do a devotional through the bible app on my phone based on the movie. It was really good.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Ok .. I get the panic in your sitch … I’ve been there, just where you are .. in fact twice… once in Mar13 and again in Mar 14. Sandi is spot on with everything she has said and I totally agree ..I will just hit on some key points that she addressed but they are important.
The first .. praying for her, setting up the TV to watch .. all that … while your heart is in the right place its coming off as pursuing, on top of that it sends a judgmental tone … she had the A, the guilt is there or it isn’t .. that is between her and God, God doesn’t need your help he already has this figured out and you are pushing YOUR agenda here … sure fighting for your marriage may be noble but the more you squeeze the harder she will fight to slip out and you getting up on the pulpit will only make her run harder, she will turn to God when most of us typically do … when we need him to fix the mess we made, we realize the damage we’ve done and we own up to our mistakes … your WW is not there.
As far as the mediation … as Sandi says your W knows you do not want it .. it’s a power play here, you are deprerately wanting to do all in your power to stop this and regain control, she is pushing it to keep control. Reading your posts I will lean on your faith. Do you truly trust God? Go and really get some quiet time and be alone with Him, my advice … what I did .. I gave my M to God and decided to use that energy and focused on myself and my son. I showed up to both the mediation sessions happy, at peace and ready to accept whatever it was God decided for me. W had doubts and DBing, having faith, above all having patience is the only reason I am not D. Even if I was D’d I knew in my heart I was going to be OK .. you need to work on yourself a bit and let God have this portion of the fight.
Last thing, I think you see it and looks like sandi touched on it. A W never seems to love a man she does not respect. You retaking the MBR was a step .. but you must continue to build your own self-worth and rebuild your self-esteem. My W was a lot like yours, critical, vicious with the words and over time she broke me down, I became a fixer, conflict avoid .. its common among us LBHs here and when we start to rebuild ourselves, set boundaries and demand to be treated with respect … one would think its empowering but I argue its nothing short of freedom, not carrying around that weight of having to accept punishment is an extremely liberating thing.
My advice … stand up for yourself in mediation, consult a L to protect YOUR rights and insulate your children. This is HER choice, you do not have to like it but respect this is what she feels she needs, in her mind you are the singular obstacle in the way of her happiness and she will have to discover if that is true on her own without your help. You’ve been a door mat for much of the marriage, she is not used to you sticking up for yourself … let her spew and pout as things do not go her way .. its normal .. she will not like it but the hopes are she will at the least start respecting you.
Got to figure out how to drag my feet and slow this process down. Give God as much time to work as possible.
God doesn't need your help. He is big enough to handle things in His own way and in His own time. (I know, I try to give God suggestions all the time. ).
Of course you're right. God doesn't need our help. He needs me to give it to Him and take my hands off so He can work on our behalf.
Quote:
I don't know that I agree that the LBS should drag their feet to slow the process down. B/c when you drag your feet, you are resisting her. All it really accomplishes is in her getting more angry and maybe sticking it to you more....b/c she's mad. I do agree that she needs to take care of the paperwork, etc. But if you are focused on what to do to slow things down, it takes away your attention on what you need to do to change the dynamics of the relationship.
Who knows, it may take a D to open her eyes.
Oddly, I just got off the phone with her XH. He said the same thing about dragging my feet. He has been a great support through this whole process and until today he said I should not leave the house. I should reclaim the MBR. I should not let her push me around. However, today he said maybe I should consider moving out. She's not going to move out. Maybe if I moved out it would give us the space we need to alleviate tension and appreciate each other again, it wouldn't make her mad and could buy us some more time and slow down the divorce. He is the first one, besides my WW, who has said maybe I should move out and give her the space she's asking for. It would definitely change the dynamic. It's giving her what she is asking for and I could negotiate it in order to slow down the divorce process. Right now we are basically separated but living in the same house and she has made it clear she is not leaving. She had originally said if I wouldn't leave she would but I asked her about it this weekend and she said she's not moving to an apartment with the kids. Which in itself is BS bc she expects me to. I have offered several times to sit down with a one of our IC's to create a structured/guided separation but she doesn't trust my IC, her IC said she couldn't do it bc WW is her client. I even offered to have her IC recommend someone. WW refused so far. So my thoughts are it's only been a week since I reclaimed the MBR and there have been some changes this last week. However if the changes stop or take steps backwards I'll email both of our IC's and ask them to give us guidelines for a separation agreement. Then propose it while negotiating slowing down the D process....Maybe 3 months. Thoughts?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Never mind. Just read CaliGuy's post. I don't think I should even be considering moving out.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
He is big enough to handle things in His own way and in His own time. (I know, I try to give God 
)