My turn to joing

[Dawgs]

Cole,

I, for one, don't mind the length of your post - I like having the info as everything I read helps me with my issue. So much of it almost parallels mine to a T. Like you, I made way to many of the common mistakes and pushed mine away. I would like to say that it gets easier or even better, and maybe it will. It has been over 6 months since mine dropped the D bomb on me, and it still hasn't gotten any easier. Currently, we are in a separated state - three weeks ago at a couples counseling session my W said it was done and she was filing. She has since changed her mind and now we are back to separation.

My wife seems to blame me for the state of our marriage. She told me that she feels nothing but anger and resentment towards me because she felt such a deep sense of loneliness during the last four years and felt that she was carrying the burdens of our entire family on her shoulders. She has said that she is sorry I wasn’t able to make her happy or provide her what she needed and she decided long before the OM that the choice she felt she had to make was whether she wanted to be with me or to be alone. She feels like trust is our biggest issue and feels hurt that I violated her privacy and violated her trust by searching through her text messages and call logs during both EAs. She has now changed all her passwords/passcodes and separated our cell phone plan so I can no longer see who she calls or text messages.

I copied this because it EXACTLY parallels my situation. I found evidence of mine having an EA and confronted her at 3 o'clock in the morning so she couldn't make up a story. Admitted the whole thing. Later in the day after she had the chance to really think about it, she went on the same "trust" tirade and was angry that I "violated" her privacy, to which I said trust is a two-way street. To this day, she thinks the EA wasn't anything and still brings up trust. As others have said on here, those who are having an A (EA or PA) will twist reality to suit themselves and no one others. Hell, my SIL (her sis) blamed me for snooping - well, that was until I told her to ask the W why I did it.

The thing is, every situation on here are very similar yet unique in their own ways. My W suffers from mental issues brought on by years of abuse starting at age 3 - all of which I found out AFTER the mention of D. Most will tell you to detach and GAL - I was hesitant to try it for a while but it works, it really does. So does journaling on here even if you feel it is dumb. As far as the A's go, that's very tough. I am learning to trust my W again, but it will be a while even though hers never went to PA.

Keep your head up! Our situation could almost mirror each other's so if you want to talk, look me up!

[Dawgs]

Cole, I hope you don't mind a second post, but I saw this (an excerpt of a post from Sandi2) and thought it would be good info for you. It's spot on.

I'm sure it must be very difficult for you, but please understand that a WAW is a different creature from the girl you M. The girl you M was in love with you. Your WAW no longer feels in love with you. Your bride wanted you to fill her up emotionally. The woman you have now feels emotionally dead to you. You used to be all she thought about and she wanted to please you. Somewhere, that faded away. She wanted you to compliment her when you thought she looked great. Now, it kind of irks her to hear it from you. She admired and respected you as a man, But she has neither for you now. She wanted to be with you sexually. But now she no longer desires you.

Even when PT is not the primary LL, people in love still want to be touched by their S. People who have a high drive may still have sex with their S, but the in-love feelings aren't there. People on the board have different opinions about having sex with a WAS. If there was always a healthy sex life in the M......who knows? But if she wasn't the one who usually initiated, IMHO I would have to say she isn't interested. "Most" WAW's feel completely "done" with the M. Once done.....she feels that's it. Can't go any further with it, and won't try.

She doesn't get to that point overnight. The WAW feels very unhappy, neglected, and lonely for a long time. The H may say it's not true, but it's her feelings and it's how she remembers it (right or wrong). She feels "empty" and then she begins to feel "dead" inside.

When she feels dead, she's in an extremely vulnerable position. B/c the first male who says just the right words to make her feels special, makes her feel pretty, or young & sexy.....she is in danger of stepping into an emotional realm that will thrive on her emotions. The more ego food she gets, the stronger the emotional fantasy.....and pretty soon, you've got a monster who has replaced the girl you M.

Yes, she will start looking really good! She'll work out, dress in younger looking clothes, change her hair, wear more make-up, and some start hitting the party life. (That's why I personally think she has another man's attention....or is looking.) I mean, you have to ask yourself why is she suddenly doing this (especially when she's so obviously disinterested in her H). And if there isn't a "why", then you have to ask yourself who. It is usually a who that sets off the ego spark in a woman (who has felt dead for a long time). Once she feels that little spark, she sees there's life after death, and she's not about to give it up.

Now, your nature will want to do all those things you should have done a long time ago. But you see, she doesn't want you to do it now. In fact, if you try to do it now, it will backfire and make her pull away quicker than ever. That brings me back to the touching. Some DB coaches have advised certain folks to do a little touch to see the response. Depending on that particular stitch. But it sure doesn't happen in all cases! B/c the WAW is no longer attracted to her H, and she no longer desires his attention, compliments, or touches. In fact, she goes to the extreme the other direction from her old self. It seems anything he does simply turns her off, and that's why anything that resembles romantic intentions will get you bad results. And each time a LBH tries that route, she has to show him that she's serious about ending the M, b/c she thinks you aren't accepting it.

[sandi2]

I would love to read about your sitch but man it looks so over whelming. Most people do not want to read a book when they come on here. I would suggest providing a summary and asking any questions you have. Hopefully that will get more people engaged in your sitch.

Hummm, I guess that leaves me out! (jk, whyus)

[sandi2]

First, read the links Cadet sent. They are tools to use right now.

She is not reconciling. Going to a MC is not a sign of reconciling. In fact, it is a waste of time and money. Until she gets to the place she feels complete remorse and is asking you what it will take to save the MC won't work.

[Cole_]

Counseling session was good and bad. I'm never sure how much to open up there and I probably say more than I should. My wife seems happier, but still distant from me.

One thing I neglected to mention is that I recently found a gift she had purchased for the OM and lost my temper in front of the kids. I'm ashamed of what I did and how I handle myself. I bullied her and at one point told her that she didn't deserve my love. That came back to bite me during counseling. Now my wife admitted that her anger towards me has probably turned into apathy and she can't forget what I said. Apathy, IMO is probably much much worse. Still, she says she's willing to try and work on things but I don't see signs of remorse, just concerns about her privacy and lack of trust. I wish incould make he understand how I feel and that if I didn't think she was worthy of my love I would have left long ago and wouldn't be fighting so hard for our marriage.

Pissed off at myself right now because I felt we were moving in a positive direction and through my own fault, I may have destroyednanybchance to reconcile. Then I tell myself that it's still early and we still have time. We're still civil and we're still talking a little. As long as that's the case, there's hope, right?

[Cadet]

I wish i could make he understand how I feel and that if I didn't think she was worthy of my love I would have left long ago and wouldn't be fighting so hard for our marriage.

YOU can't make her feel anything!

You can only control yourself - not her.

[Cole_]

Sandi2, I think that's my biggest problem in all of this. She doesn't seem to show remorse. She says she is sorry for hurting me, but downplays the EA. If would be much easier if she was acting more committed to saving our marriage.

[Cole_]

I understand that i can't control anything but myself, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish she would or could understand.

[Cadet]

I wish she would or could understand.

The point is - the WAS doesn't understand,
they are in another world or aboard an alien spaceship.

So your wishing is similar to wishing you could communicate with a object that is flying in space.

[Cole_]

Ultimately, I need accept that it doesn't matter if she's committed to working on our relationship and reconciling. What matters is that I am and I am taking every step I can to reduce conflict, and be a better man.