I think he means, does she still yell at you and give you grief when you say things to her? Does she act defensive when you pull away or is she angry? These would be signs there is still fire in there.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I do not get any emotion. She says that she is indifferent to me. I interact with her on household business only. She does not share anything about her life with me. She will not watch television with me. Where I had her in my life emotionally I now have a void.
Have other people resurrected their marriages from situations like this?
I am not sure what to say. I have read that indifference is not good. Look in the DR book and see if there is anything in there on dealing with this.
There is never a point at which things are not possible. Yes, they can be harder to work through, but not impossible. If I find anything in the book I will let you know.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
mutatio, don't take one small, potentially unintentionally badly worded, section of a sentence and read so much into it. Be aware that we are all susceptible to confirmation bias, in other words we unconsciously seek out facts, under the guise of research, to confirm a supposition we've made already.
What you wife says and feels are two very different things. You aren't that far into your journey and Sandi2's rules still firmly apply, in this case, including don't believe anything she says and only 50% of what she does, that 50% being anything positive.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
One thing I also want to mention is the cheeseless tunnel concept that Michele writes about. I am guessing you are familiar with this but as a reminder...if what you are doing is not working, try something different. Give it a week or two and check for results. If the results are negative or you see not change, try something different.
Just be sure to give it enough time to work. You will not always see immediate results. Read page 146 in the DR book.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Mutatio - I dont think your wife is indifferent at all. If she is immediately leaving the room when you walk in or giving you the silent treatment, thats not indifference. Indifference to me would be having generally moderately mediocre interactions. General pleasantries, mild conversation about the weather, not cold, but not warm.
Basically, the way we are trying to act towards our spouses!
Have you ever seen any DBer get advice suggesting to do what your W is currently doing?
Yes. This would have basically been my answer to you if Az hadn't beaten me to it.
I'd add that your M may be done, just like mine may be. We don't know yet, but that is one very real possibility. Even if it is, DBing allows you to get out with your dignity and a whole new skill set, it helps the post-D R, and is just a good way to treat someone you love - that isn't about what we receive if it is real love.
I know that last bit is hard to swallow, but the reality is what it is and you've read enough people's threads here to know that. I don't think you ever stop holding out a tiny bit of hope, even after a D (after all 10% of D'ed couples remarry each other). Still, when you can lean into that uncomfortable, painful reality a bit more and have it not leave you distraught, it is a lot easier to DB effectively, including taking care of the life you have been putting on hold rather than living. And, don't go beating yourself up that you aren't there yet. We've all been there, and it is normal. It is a process, and you just have to let it unfold like the rest of us.
All that said, I don't really see that much indifference from your W. There is still anger if she doesn't want to share room with you.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Mutatio, you know my H gives me the silent treatment too, but underneath that silence is a simmering anger that I manage to trigger every couple of weeks. So what may seem like indifference, could actually be anger or even rage if that makes you feel better! I am sure if you really wanted to find out that you could trigger her and see what happens.
As, I never heard that 10% of D'd couples remarry each other. That is a good statistic.
WhyUs thank you for the support and the suggestions. I will look at the book tonight. Your suggestion about changing things up is good. I will think about that and modify my behavior.
Avanti my friend, thank you for that thought. It made my realize what I had done.
Azzork your wisdom is profound. Thank you for guiding me on this path.
Asitis thank you for both those posts. The first was so insightful and the second so supportful.
I can't thank you enough my friends for your kindness and compassion during this chapter of my life. I used to want to know how this chapter will end. Now I want to live each and every day trying to reach my fullest potential. What happens later on down the road is of no consequence now.
