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As you've read the book, that's a great start and let's get you into problem solving mode. The first part of that is to determine what your goals are. Have you done that bit? Do they comply with the guidelines MWD sets out? I'm not prying and asking you to post them just get them written and correctly structured so they have impact for you. 

If you don't know what you really want to achieve, when you want it to be achieved by and how you are going to do it, there is no real purpose for you. People with purpose and direction thrive and move forward. It's not easy but they do it anyway, become one of those people and the answers to the points you made above will come clear to you.

Avanti... I have written my goals. I want to achieve them. Of course I do. That's why I'm here is to learn how to. I'm getting stuff done but slowly. It's hard for me to just do stuff right away... I promised myself a few things I want to accomplish in the month of October. So far 3 out 5 things have been done... my main goal is to win my husband back with a new me. Happy, confident, high self esteem. I'm reading like 3 different books plus bible... slowly like a turtle things are getting done! !!!


Me 34 H 33
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I have set another boundary and that is for h not to take my car when he goes to see ow. I told him I do not like it and don't want her in my car. He said ok he won't take the car anymore to see her... I was angry when I said it but said it in a calm and collective way.
Today at the er I was sitting next to him and I asked him if he filed the proof of service amd his reply was I'm waiting g to see what your going to do. I think he's playing games with me. I told him I've only emailed them to my L so he can prepare the paper work for me. And then later in the room he was laying down while I was sitting he put his hand on my shoulder /face and I laid on his arm. It was a nice moment. Not jumping in to excitement but it felt so good to get that love from him while I was in pain. And then he held me while I got my injection. Ugh I need /want him to come home... I love him...

Last edited by overcom; 10/06/15 07:21 AM.

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O, how are you feeling? You ok? I think to win your husband back should not be your goal. Your goals should all be about you- and just for you.

Wishing you a peaceful and pain free day.



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All my goals are for me. Losing weight, gal, building my self esteem, successful in her work that only a fool would leave.
I'm in so much pain! !!


Me 34 H 33
Married 2006
S5 D2
BD Jan 2015 EA/PA
He moved out 2/2/2015
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Ok so I have build the courage to ask him to leave the house and that I don't like it when he comes as he pleases. So how would I say this to him in a civil way without fighting?


Me 34 H 33
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I told my husband that as long as he was choosing OW he could not live in the house. He couldn't have it both ways. I presented it as a self-respect thing. I ended up filing a petition to be the sole resident. Once he left I changed the locks. He didn't put up much of an argument because he knew he was in the wrong

There may not be any way to avoid a scene but you have to set appropriate boundaries for you.


Me53
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Hi becky. I'm so worried that he'll leave and never come back. He'll stop paying the bills. I feel like he's trying to be Victor from young and the restless. Lol


Me 34 H 33
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Is he still in the A? If so he doesn't want your marriage no matter where he is. Do you want to be just a convenience? Can you detach while he is living there? Can you speak to your L about temporary support options?


Me53
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He's still with the ow. No of course not. I'm worth more then the way he's treating me. I don't deserve this. I can't even detach when he's not living here...
I just need to know how to tell him without being a b.... I'm a very nice person and this is the reason why I ways get screwed at the end. I already have the kids with 100% of the time... he has no clue how to take care of them and the ow can't even take care of herself let alone my 2 and her 1. Ugh. Pray for me cause tonight I will talk to him...

can I say this and please correct me if it's wrong.
Hey p. I want to talk to you about our living situation. I have asked you not to text ow while here and so far you have been respecting my boundaries. I think for the sake of the kids and me that you move out completely but are welcome here when we are home. I think you coming and going as you please gives the kids wrong ideas about us. As they are way to young to understand what's happening. I think this is the best thing for us.
something like that??

Last edited by overcom; 10/06/15 04:52 PM.

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Hi overcome, just started to read your sitch and I'm sorry to find you on here. I don't know where you are but check with a solicitor.

Is the mortgage both in your name? If it's then by law he had to pay for half of it! If he doesn't pay for the bills, he has to at least pay child maintenance! If he tries not too he won't stand a chance in court! Another thing is that if his name is on mortgage, you can't change the locks! This is what the law says as I'm based in the UK, I don't know about where you are, but worse checking.

I only know too well how you are feeling right now. Keep focusing on your kids as at the moment you are their ROCK and TBH the only grounded parents.

Keep faith :-)

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If he is welcome anytime you are home why are you asking him to move out?


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O, that sounds good but maybe a little wordy. I would be more direct and to the point.

"H, it is time to move out. You are welcome to visit the children- we can either work out a visitation schedule with a lawyer or you can agree to give me 24 hours notice before visiting them. I expect that you will act in their best interests and not expose them to OW because of her illegal drug use and also because it will confuse them. I will hire a lawyer at some point in the near future to iron out the details. Your belongings are in garbage bags in the garage, please take them with you now."



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I'm done guys. I can't go on.. I can't fight anymore. I need to face it amd let be a reality that he's not coming back... thanks for all the advice and support. Hugs...


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What do you have planned for the consequence if he doesn't honor that boundary about your car?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi

I have one question that bugs me.

If the H acknowledges he is in an A, how can he put his hand on your shoulder/face and you cuddle up to him?

Is this self respect? esteem? A person only a fool would leave?

I constantly see this behaviour where the LBS is talking to the WAS about the ongoing A but still having sex, R talks, sharing activities. Doesnt this behaviour defeat the whole purpose?

I would really like a woman's perspective.

Thanks

Last edited by Maximus; 10/08/15 09:06 AM.

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Originally Posted By: overcom
I'm done guys. I can't go on.. I can't fight anymore. I need to face it amd let be a reality that he's not coming back... thanks for all the advice and support. Hugs...


O -
So, what are you going to do instead?

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Hi sandi. He's been honoring it and the te z ting too. Thank god for that!!!


Me 34 H 33
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Just let the ow win. And I'll just move on. This whole trip he's planned for her has really affected me. I don't think I can ever forgive him for doing this.. I'll never be able to trust him. Never! I finally told my mom the truth last night about him having another person on the side. I just cried. She cried. She's really hurting too. We never saw this coming from him. I was blindsided. But I'll just keep doing me. No calling, texting. I was planning on telling him to move out last night, he never came home. He couldn't wait to go to his wifey... that's all Azzork. I'm done with this. All of it. I need to let him go. I need to let be a reality that he's not coming back. This is the only way I'll get better. Is it fair I cry myself to sleep every god given day? When he's wining and dining her. No! I deserve to be happy too. I have a lot of love to give and i am lovable. But I just can't fight for him anymore. So congrats to him and new gf.


Me 34 H 33
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I ask myself this too. The best answer I've received was that he's feeling guilty and so he's trying to make it ok with me. It's not because he wants to come back. About the sex part, imo I didn't want to be unfaithful even tho we are divorcing. I know it was wrong but did it anyway. I wasn't because of lack of self esteem it was just cause I wanted sex and didn't want to go around sleeping. But this has stopped. All of it will stop.


Me 34 H 33
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Originally Posted By: overcom
Just let the ow win. And I'll just move on. This whole trip he's planned for her has really affected me. I don't think I can ever forgive him for doing this.. I'll never be able to trust him. Never! I finally told my mom the truth last night about him having another person on the side. I just cried. She cried. She's really hurting too. We never saw this coming from him. I was blindsided. But I'll just keep doing me. No calling, texting. I was planning on telling him to move out last night, he never came home. He couldn't wait to go to his wifey... that's all Azzork. I'm done with this. All of it. I need to let him go. I need to let be a reality that he's not coming back. This is the only way I'll get better. Is it fair I cry myself to sleep every god given day? When he's wining and dining her. No! I deserve to be happy too. I have a lot of love to give and i am lovable. But I just can't fight for him anymore. So congrats to him and new gf.


O -

You know in cartoons when theres a couple characters fighting, and the big dust cloud comes up and you see all the limbs and stuff, and then the cloud clears, and theres just one of the characters left, and theyre all twisted up and the other one is just standing to the side watching? That reminds me of you. Youre doing all of this effort and all of this fighting, but you are just fighting with yourself.

Let him go. Let him and her "win". Theres nothing you can do about it anyway. Take your focus and put it squarely on you. Dont worry about what wll happen months from now. Worry about today. And tomorrow. Build yourself back up. Become happy, self-confident, self-aware, empathetic. Who knows what will come of their relationship, but the odds are stacked against it. Someday, he may realize his mistake; who knows where youll be at that point.

You can do it, O. Let today be the first day of the rest of your life.

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Azzork it's not easy. I can't stop fighting with myself. It's true. I see that cartoon too. Plus my friend who dbed says that too and says I'm not doing anything. She's right. I Suck at this game...
I opened up to one of my family members she's going to do some healing prayers with crystals, rocks and prayers along with teaching me how to meditate. I have an appointment with her next Saturday. She said it's going to help with my depression

Last edited by overcom; 10/09/15 03:33 AM.

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Hi Overcom, I think making your health a priority is important. It will be easier to make progress and move forwards when you feel well and strong within yourself. Try not to worry about what H is doing right now. For now, his life is his life and yours is yours apart from some inevitable liaison about childcare.

What treatment are you getting for your depression my friend??


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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I just got a few numbers for marriage counselors. I don't know what good it's for but tomorrow I'll be calling to see which one my ins covers. I have seen my primary doctor amd he's fully aware. They have me on wellbutrin.


Me 34 H 33
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I just told him I hate that he's going on this trip and that it hurts. I said part of me wants you to stay and part of me wants you to move out. I said I want you to move out because it hurts. All of this hurts too much. And I want you to stay as if he stays anyway because the kids get to see him. I told him tonight that I don't want to be in his friend zone. I don't want to know anything about what you do with the ow. I just found out he's not talking to his best friends anymore. Because they don't like the ow and were giving him lots of crap about her and his choice of divorcing me. Looks like anyone who tries to talk to him about not divorcing he doesn't talk to them. He distances himself from them.


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Hi sweetie! I'm happy to say I'm finally feeling better. smile It was a really long week.

I've been thinking about you a lot. Here are most of my thoughts:

You are the furthest thing from detached from your H. You are still firmly attached, which is normal when you love someone, but let's be honest here; your H is not being fair to you at all. He's firmly entrenched in a R with OW. He still acts overly friendly and familiar with you, because he knows you would take him back in a heartbeat.

Please ask yourself if you really deserve to be his back-up plan. You are his wife, the mother of his children...I'm sure he tells himself that he's being nice to you. O - he's not. He is putting you through the worst kind of stress and heartbreak! He's off in another world, busily pursuing a R with OW. You come in 2nd, if that. He planned a weekend trip with her. You'd asked and asked for something similar, but he never even attempted to do so for you. What does that tell you?


Since you are unable to detach, you're going to need to pretend for now. Pretend you will be fine without him. Pretend you can stand on your own, and eventually be able to find someone who can earn your respect. Yes, it's game playing, but O...you need to do this! Start by pretending, it will eventually become real.

Gather up his things, and have him pick them up. Don't call him, text him, or write any letters or e-mails. Only discuss the children with him...nothing more about you. If he asks, say you're fine and leave it at that.

Remove yourself as an option (pretend really hard.) Why would he ever change if he knows you're going to wait for him forever? You've told him enough about your feelings. He knows. Promise me, no more! You have to do this, O. I worry that you will collapse from the sheer emotional toll his behavior is taking on you. Gather what's left of your self respect and start mending it.

I know how hard this is. I also know you can do it. Start out pretending - it's the best way to start making changes. Cut off his emotional connection to you. Start viewing him as a business partner when it comes to the children. What else can you do at this point?

OW is a no-win situation, especially that one. What a loser! If that's what H thinks he needs, let him have at it. He deserves what is coming. Cut him loose, O, for you. Love yourself the way you deserve. Love your babies through this. Pretend you don't love him as an H anymore.

When you feel the need to talk with him, come here first, and let us talk you out of it. He needs to begin feeling the loss of you, or he will never change. Why would he? If he asks about you cutting him off emotionally, be vague. Tell him you've done a lot of thinking and realized you deserve way more than what exists at the moment. Stop there, and discuss nothing other than what pertains to the children. Expect a bad reaction, too. He is so used to cake-eating at this point, he will be upset about losing it. Stand firm, O. I know you can do this!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

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Judy, that is awesome advice! I need to be following the same path. My W has not felt any loss whatsoever. Overcom, you can do this! So can I. I needed to read this today!


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Such a beautiful post Julie. You are very right, H has chosen his path and he needs to walk through it! We can only change our path.

Keep faith overcome.

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Hi judy thank you for your post. You know your right. And over the weekend I have not cried once. All I do is pray for detachment and it's working. Honestly I'm not a yo yo. I will.not be his 2nd choice. I deserve better. Is there hope he can change back? I mean seriously I've been thinking about this... and there would be so much he'd have to do to prove it to me. I don't know. Honestly I really don't know what to do anymore. I just pray and follow the direction our God wants me to go.


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We got this!!!!!!!


Me 34 H 33
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So here's what happened over the weekend.
H goes to Catalina island friday night. Saturday afternoon he calls me. I'm like what you doing calling me he was like having lunch. I asked where the girl was and hes like tweeked out in the hotel sleeping. Wow ok... so he talked to the kids and then hung up. Saturday night I go to dinner with a girl friend and 945 he calls me again!!! I'm like Ummm what's going on. He's like she's still knocked out. Wow this is her bday weekend k. Anyways now it's Sunday the whore calls me from Catalina island and is telling me you can have him back. He's nothing to me. He's selfish amd only wants to think about himself. While she's cussing hjm out and I'm just like ok. And didn't say anything. She hangs up. 3 to 4 hrs later h calls me and says I left her there and I'm on the freeway. I'm like are you serious. He said she trashed the nail salon there, she went straight psycho. Tried to jump out the 3rd floor 3 times. Called police on h and said bs. And I was just saying to him wow. He tried to blame me said I jinxed him that my voodoo is working great. I said excuse me don't blame me because you need someone to blame. I said you knew her capabilities and she did that ALL on her own. I had absolutely nothing to do with it! !! & I added it I had voodoo and it worked so good then how come your not home and making us a family again and he just said got it. I said ok. Bye amd then hung up. ... crazy what the power of a prayer can do. All I prayed was for god to shine his light and reveal the truth about this psycho!!!!


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Wow. That's powerful, O.

I love that H wanted to blame you...what is it with these Walkaways that makes them blame EVERTHING on the LBS? They must all share the same character defect. Losers.

As you can see, I'm feeling little empathy and understanding for the spouses who abandon. Drop by my thread and you'll understand why. Too much to go into here. Let's just say events unfolded in such a way that my brain went lopsided, and the depression I battle daily almost won. If God had given me the okay, I'd have taken the express route out of this life and on to the next. I hate dealing with this stupid ailment! Every single day, I have to figure out what is truth and what is depression talking. That's WITH medication to help. I'm tired of it...little wonder H got tired of it, too.

Back to you...I am so, so proud of you! You're doing great. You have come to some very important realizations. I am still shaking my head at all the phone calls to you. I don't know if I'm more amused or disgusted with your H regarding that.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

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I stayed out of it. That was the best thing I did.i did read it. Wow just crazy. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this sh!t. Please don't ever take the express way out. I know it hurts but everything will get better.
Back to h I was amused lol to be honest in my head I saod told you shed f up again! Disasters! !!!


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O, I would think that your H was just enlightened! That should allow things to progress a bit, and move to the next step. I am glad that your prayer was answered. That's awesome! I pray daily, but haven't seen something that big yet. I'm happy for you that ow seems to be leaving the picture.

Good luck!


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Originally Posted By: overcom
Honestly I really don't know what to do anymore.


Whenever I dont know what to do, I choose to do nothing.
Let time reveal all.

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Yes I learned that... and that's why I just keep to myself and pray. I will not pursue him. I will continue as I've been and just keep praying. I am going to continue to detach from him. I don't want to be his 2nd choice. I am way better then that!!!! I know who I am, I know my heart is pure and full of love. If he's going to act like this then I don't need him. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I'm sure there is someone out there who will love me the way I deserve to be loved and will accept my kids as his own. I'm not gonna stress about that. Right now I'm on a journey to fixing myself!!!! I love it. I feel soo good!!!


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Overcom

WH just had a spell break, his choice of OW was his. He had to learn something, let him do it.

If needs be, just truth dart, "your choice WH".

I suspect alcohol had something to do with it too.

Be a lady, let alone. When WH has absorbed his spell break he may do any number of things- want to piece his R with you, select another OW, become depressed, use substances or seek IC.

What do you want?

A healthy R and a healthy H?

In which case WH may need to do much work!

It is his internal work to do.

All you can do is provide an environment in which recovery is possible, you work on you, so WH cleans up the pooh in his sandpit. Until he does and he gets it, you are correct work on you.

If this were me then I would take this WH scenario and turn it into a mini movie, who would you have playing you? Can I suggest sweet gentle Jennifer Aniston? Who would you have for OW? Aggressive Pink character, Psycho Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? And who for WH? Freddie Kruger?


Also be aware that WH may be drama addicted, his choice of this particular type of OW may indicate that there are some real issues to resolve. If you can keep details from him, conversation recorded in case you need that for a non mol at some stage.

Take very great care with this drama queen type.

I once tried to type the OW and OMs for Dawn. It may make you smile, if I can find it I will post it.

V


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Another random post by V

OP

I have observed they fall into several categories none of which seem terribly stable. It could be that a WAS or MLC looks to find an ego boost so chooses an easily influence OP, who is not developed as a person and often less than spouse.

Here is Vs a light look at some categories of OP:

1. An innocent or numpty,
perhaps young but inexperienced easily persuaded and availability is total. This type is likely to cling and be dependent, to want long term and permanent. Will have poor boundaries as inexperienced, likely that WS will cheat on OW and cover it up. Will post lots of cute couple pictures on fb once WS is S. Could feel guilty if A exposed. Prognosis for long term poor as naive will grow up as the limmerance wears off.

2. Narc overt or covert
Only interested in married partners, keen to break up marriage to boost own ego. Initially dangerous but will get bored and moves on to break up next marriage. May even tease but ultimately pull away. May break up marriage deliberately to feel superior. May even marry for money before moving on, leaves WS poorer. Do not challenge as this will only increase the ego boost for the narc. prognosis for long term non existent.

3. BPD
Will stalk WS, charm and then bunny boil. Hard to get rid of, think Glenn Close or the H in gaslight. Stay out of the way of the venom and let WS deal with the Sitch. Will burn out and repel WS as the mask falls. Could be dangerous, LBS strategy you can have him/her long term no chance.

4. Drama Queen or Poison Baby
Will run down spouse of WS as is afraid the spouse is wonderful and feels inferior. Will try to poison WS against spouse, may turn up on LBS doorstep and say leave WS alone, likely to spy, accuse WS of cheating with spouse, will tantrum and be petulant. gives WS a taste of own medicine. May even attempt to alienate children and family of WS. Master in emotional blackmail. No challenge directly by LBS, flirt with WS will drive this type into more bad behaviour and make more insecure. Short term only.

5. Skank, pond scum and easy lay or bike
Exactly what it says on the tin, for one night only or a repeat late nighter. Sex available but not always that good. Very insecure and often superficial, may even be married and a serial cheat. A danger to health. No self respect and no respect from WS either. Could even be an escort. WS likely not to want to acknowledge connection. Not worth a thought. Not even short term.

6. In lurve soulmate
Ideal companion in early flushes of infatuation but in the fullness of time every day life will cause tensions as WS has to meet increasing demands of a more normal relationship. Ultimately brown grass not greener grass. Possible longer term but likely a transitional partner to asuage loneliness and aid movement. Allow to run its course, if LBS interferes then it is WS and OP against the world. Lasting up to 2 years.

7. Lost love
Rose coloured glasses, the past relationship between the two failed to make it because of incompatibility or perhaps never started so will this. WS unlikely to meet lost loves expectations or memory especially if they are in MLC. Illusion shattered. lasting up to 2 years.

8. Charmer or Mata Hari
More selective than one nighter chooses the most attractive prey or may be for money. Sex as art. May play games and may be satisfied with EA, long play in seduction after control. No interest in a R at all. About the conquest not the sex. This is all about the chase, may even be married. Could be a work colleague or long distant. Might be a catfish or online. Once caught will extract and leave WS wanting. Will not tolerate chase. Ignore as no relationship possible.

Hope this brought you a smile
------------------------------

Just for fun.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/15 02:46 PM.

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Hi V. So your right about letting him absorb all this. No al cholesterol it was drugs to keep her off of hheroin.i can't believe he would be into drama like this. He hates drama. Oh well his life his choice. I decide not to get involved.
I want a healthy r and m. So let him be. I've been learning amd detaching so it's easing the pain... it's actually amusing to see him try so hard for a heroin addict who thinks she can quit without help. She's making me look good. Lol.


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Most of these sounds like the girl. I'm letting it take its course. He may even go out on dates and date other women. Let it be if that's what he wants...


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Originally Posted By: overcom
Hi V. So your right about letting him absorb all this. No al cholesterol it was drugs to keep her off of hheroin.i can't believe he would be into drama like this. He hates drama. Oh well his life his choice. I decide not to get involved.
I want a healthy r and m. So let him be. I've been learning amd detaching so it's easing the pain... it's actually amusing to see him try so hard for a heroin addict who thinks she can quit without help. She's making me look good. Lol.


Actually, we can see when it unfolds. At moment he chose drama, a heroin addict, please reassess, especially if this delicious OW plays the hoovering game. OK not heroin, this drama sounds more like cocaine or methamphetamine as you describe it. Very out of control. Care.

WH telling you this in the first place is his attempt at triangulation I think so. Don't bite on that crumb!

Try googling hoovering and abuse. There is some Intel on the abuse thread. WH is set up by OW for abuse, this is serious OW misbehaviour. Expect codependency and trauma, especially if OW starts a sweet cycle.

It's too easy, my stbxwh tried that one with his OW the fish wife.

V


Last edited by Vanilla; 10/12/15 04:11 PM.

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Omg V I saw a clip he recorded her.. I was shaking I was so scared... I feel so bad for her. She needs serious help.... ugh I need to pray for her... she is gonna kill her self by overdosing. She's taking a few Xanax and drinking vodka on top of it... I don't know. I don't know how ppl do drugs. I'm terrified... she was eating candy and crap off the floor. Ewww. She was a disaster! !!!! OMG.. I WANT TO CRY FOR HER. I pray my h doesn't get back with her. Idk tho... well all I can do is just pray. .. and continue doing me...


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Oh ya he told me she was waiting for a engagement ring. Um ok. Our d hasn't even started


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OW does not care about a trifling thing like someone else's marriage! I told my H one day he needed to thank me, because my "blackmailing" probably saved his behind. I told him NO SANE WOMAN with any kind of self worth dates a married man. I said I wouldn't touch one with a ten-foot pole. What if he is lying? To which H helpfully replied that he was accused of that. Blech!

On the other hand, I'm wondering WTF your H is doing showing you videos like that of his OW? Not very honorable, for sure. Keeping you on his side for cake-eating? I'm not sure, but warning signals flared when I read that bit. Be careful, please.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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she doesnt care! she broke her parents up. when her and my h were broken up for a few days he found out she was sending naked pictures of her self to another married man with 2 kids. wtf is wrong with my h. he is so blind. wow...

Judy, im not getting involved anymore. not until hes ready to fix us. i had my fun and now no more cake eating. screw that. im not a whore. even tho technically were still married but still. im not gonna disrespect myself like that. yes i admit we were till recent but i have completely stopped and have pulled my self back, like way back... by the way he was at my parents house for like 4 hrs today hanging out with my parents... ugh... not gonna let it get to me... im not...im strong... detach linda, detach!!!!!!!!!!!


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O, your H sounds like he's going through the confusion of MLC. I'm not diagnosing him, by any means, but I've done a lot of reading about it for my sitch. A grown man suddenly starts behaving like a teenager, while giving out mixed signals because he doesn't know what he wants.

Hanging out with your parents like nothing is wrong? That is bizarre. Have you done any reading on Midlife Crisis? It's depressing stuff, based on how long it takes them to get over it which could be years!

I'm so happy to learn you're detaching and removing the cake-eating option. I'm really proud of you!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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I have done no reading besides the dr. What books should I look for... ya I think deep down he doesn't want this divorce. But then again who knows what he wants rreally.im yrs.. damnnn.. how long am I gonna fight lollll....


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O, you have to stay strong, or you will end up right back in the same place you've been. This is your chance to get it right. Be strong, let H deal with his own issues and grow up and either be the man you need him to be or else then you will know he is not.

To bring this kind of vile person into his life, to put you and your children second to this, there is something wrong with him and it is not you. I am so glad you have your head in the right place. Stay strong.



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Thanks pho. Just keep praying for us!!!!
Right now I'm disconnecting from him completely. Well see what happens...


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Originally Posted By: overcom
Omg V I saw a clip he recorded her.. I was shaking I was so scared... I feel so bad for her. She needs serious help.... ugh I need to pray for her... she is gonna kill her self by overdosing. She's taking a few Xanax and drinking vodka on top of it... I don't know. I don't know how ppl do drugs. I'm terrified... she was eating candy and crap off the floor. Ewww. She was a disaster! !!!! OMG.. I WANT TO CRY FOR HER. I pray my h doesn't get back with her. Idk tho... well all I can do is just pray. .. and continue doing me...


Please ensure you get a copy. Your kids need protection from this demented soul.

Be safe, very safe.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/13/15 04:20 PM.

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V it is in the divorce papers that she is not go around the kids...
Aldo how do I get a copy from his phone??

Last edited by overcom; 10/13/15 07:58 PM.

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Do you have access to his phone?
Can you forward it to your email?

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How about cloud. Is it backed up there in a family group?

V


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Ha ya right. That thing is glued to his hip...


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We have samsung. So I don't think he has icloud...


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I am learning about Samsung my new device is samsung. You can family group samsung. Samsung equivalent of I cloud, I am learning.

So......

A samsung device providing it uses the same email login will link. So one way might be a cheapie second hand Samsung device, set up with WH email log on.


Make sure you only receive on it.

Google My Samsung as follows add http

://www.samsung.com/us/connected-devices/

This is recent to me as I learn I will let you know.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/15/15 01:01 AM.

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Thanks V. I will look into it...


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I wish someone would wake my h up remind him how much we love each other and everything we have done to build our life together. This is so hard.


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He needs to wake himself up, O. He needs to be self-motivated to realizing what he's going to lose, and fighting to keep it.

No argument with, "this is hard." I never, ever thought this would happen. Apparently it needed to. I've grown up way more than I thought I needed. I feel old...

Miss my old H, and understand where you're coming from. That's why we LBS need to stick together! Here for you, as always.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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I know An!!! I miss his hugs, kisses, his smell, everything. .. :'(


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So do I with my H, but I transfer that needs of cuddles and kisses to my kids as they need it. Silly enough I still have my teddy when I was a child and I fall asleep with it, sad for a 40 yr old woman but if it brings me comfort so be it :-)!

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Rouky, take comfort where you find it. A teddy bear is a thousand times better than getting involved with someone else, and pulling them into this mess!

I'm actually pretty jealous that you even have your childhood teddy bear. Lucky woman!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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O, if I could knock some sense into him for you I would. You know you are not alone in your pain. Go and hug those beautiful children of yours and find some peace and comfort tonight. Be strong. You have survived one more day of this, one day closer to your next stage of life, whatever that may be- reconciliation, a new life, whatever.



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O-thinking about you. How are you doing playing pretend?


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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I kiss my kids too.. awww how cute.. I snuggle to his shirts. smirk


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It's working so far. But some days are harder then the other. Thanks for checking in. .. how are you doing??


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I know you would... lol... thanks for always checking in on me. Huggss


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We all are bound to have good and bad days. I remember reading here one step forward, two step backwards but as long as we keep the stearing wheel in line with your goal you'll be fine.

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A friend of mine said something to me tonight and it's bothering me. She said once a cheater always a cheater. True or false? D.r. says false. But what's your opinion? ?


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It depends on the cheater, really.

Some people jump from R to R throughout life. Some start that way and then settle down. Others are content with the person they love.

I firmly believe that just because a person might cheat once, it doesn't mean they'll do it again. Why did they cheat? That's the question to answer in order to determine if it may happen again.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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Well my h never really had any relationships maybe a few but nothing serious until he came to America. We were 22 23 when we met and married at 24 25.. and been together for 12 yrs total... my h has never been the cheating type. Always the honest person. Always felt bad for divorced families especially with kids. He had a reallllly soft heart. Dear lord what happened to my sweet caring loving husband... ughhhh


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I miss my gentle giant


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Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I miss mine, too. I don't know what kind of unhappiness they must have hiding under the surface. It's something, though. So many formerly stable, reliable people suddenly acting like they've lost their minds.

Your situation is really painful, because your H obviously is still really fond of you. That makes it all the more puzzling that he's been lured in by OW.

Is there any possibility he also uses drugs? Not like her, but enough that he feels like he's letting out his "wild side" when he's with her?

What I find really heartbreaking for you is how young your kids are. I cannot fathom a man who leaves his wife alone with small children to raise. What on earth? Did he want children?

I'm not even sure if knowing why would help.

How are you doing with goals, PMA, and working on you? I know GAL is rough with little ones...can you take them on walks or something to get you out and about?


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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I've always thought about if he uses too but I don't think so. Idk tho..
Yes we waited 3.5 yrs to have our first. Within the first 3 yrs we did everything. We were so spontaneous, adventurous then we decided to have a baby then we did everything with him. Then 3 yrs later we decided the 2nd one. I don't know where it went wrong... I'm working on it. Some goals were broken some have been ongoing. Detaching is ok... sone days harder then the other. The kids and I do stuff together all the time. .


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Originally Posted By: Rouky
So do I with my H, but I transfer that needs of cuddles and kisses to my kids as they need it. Silly enough I still have my teddy when I was a child and I fall asleep with it, sad for a 40 yr old woman but if it brings me comfort so be it :-)!



Rouky believe it or not there is a technique that uses Teddy Bears for self soothing!

//prosperityplace.com/teddy-bear-therapy/

Add http


V


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Overcom,

Actually it seems to me that in some switches the LBS is perfectly OK, all this DB to improve us is great, welcoming and developmental. It can distract from the fact that there wasn't much wrono in the first place.

Overcom, I see little wrong with you, sure we can all do better, yes we can improve, lose weight, get fitter, improve our communication skills sets etc, etc, etc. Take this time to grow and develop ourselves. Make lemonade from the lemons in our lives.

This WH has gone wayward because of his biochemistry, because he can, because he is addicted. The reasons are his, and his alone. It's unreasonable and awful to abandon your family for selfish ways. But he has,my concern is you and your wonderful children. To support you through this crisis period so whatever comes in your life you are resilient. Resilience and independence is the big lesson to learn so you are secure and vulnerable at the same time.

My view on cheaters is straight to the core, cheaters are more likely to cheat again, once they cross the divide they can do so again. It is a mind set of cheaters. Each time gets easier. That's why it may be important to have a boundary on it, mine is "cheat and it's over". There are consequences to cheating and I am not going to be with a cheater.

Cheaters cheat, a mindset, they can cheat on anything, fins, games, life, shortchanging those around them.

So, if WH ever wants back in, and you decide "yes" then it's big boundary time on the cheating. A decision on trust, can you trust? This WH is clearly untrustworthy, but would a new version WH be trustworthy?

Just my view

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I don't know about once a cheater always a cheat as I think at the end of the day is down to your beliefs! Do you think you'll trust him again? Would you be likely to bring it back when you argue? If he has been able to do it once, what stops him to do it again?

Even I, I can't answer those questions for myself, and I'm trying to save my mariage with someone who has cheated on me for 2 years!

I believe with time you'll be as to decide if once a cheat always a cheat, and if he shows true commitment to save your mariage then you might be able to answer your questions

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I think if someone is truly remorseful, and seeks help for the issues which lead up to the cheating, and works on those issues, there is a possibility they can be trusted again. But if you let him off the hook easily, without doing the work on himself, then yes, the likelihood of him cheating again is very high.

O, please be strong and know you are worthy of the love of a good man, who is strong and emotionally healthy and has already done the work on himself. You are worth it.



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I don't think for a long time I'd be able to trust him. Especially since I've always had trust issues this is just gonna make it harder. When his phone rings I panic it's her, even tho he says they broke up. He's been a little but more transparent with me even without realizing it. Anytime his phone rings I wait to see if Hell answer or reject it or if the text comes in to see his reaction. This has stuck with me forever, when we woukd come home late every 5 mins I'd ask if he's ok or if he wants me to drive and once he said don't look at me look at the road. If I swerve then we'll switch and that cut us from arguing or fighting. So I use that method towards other things he does...


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Where is H living right now?


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
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Here. But stays on the couch


Me 34 H 33
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A few of my friends think I'm crazy to want him back. Idk maybe I am.
I had a good day today. My S5 went to my brothers house for a sleep over and D2 stayed with my mom I went and got a hair cut and highlights. Then came home and went for a 30 min walk with our babies. I miss my s. I feel incomplete when he's not home. Idk imagine ever walking out on my kids and not being with them all night. Idk how walk away spouses do it. Idk


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Nor do I and that's why it hurts so much! We are their rock for their everyday life, we must carry on to protect them & yes I know it's really hard!

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O, Idk what is going on in their minds either. My H is taking a job which will be 100% travel for 6 months. He will miss Christmas and everything leading up to it, our D's 15th birthday, the entire winter with sledding and snowball fights, cozy nights by the fireplace, the kids basketball season, Easter, school concerts, the list goes on and on. Doesn't even phase him at all. Meanwhile, I miss them like crazy if I miss a day, or even only part of a day. I don't get it at all. He is so disconnected from our kids that I don't think it will even make a difference to them, how sad is that?

I hope you had a good weekend.



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So h and ow broke up (for now) amd he's been coming home. Sleeping on couch. But he's been doing this new thing. He keeps saying it is boring. I'm boring... what can I do at 230 am... when the kids are sleeping. Last night he didn't come home. He went casino. And then he whines about not having any money.
Whatever. I know I'm not boring.
Yesterday was another busy day. Me day and then nieces bday party.
Ugh it's monday... work work work...


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Interesting development overcom. Take this with 0 expectations but I know you know that. I have the case of the Monday's too.


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O, he is restless because he is cut off from OW, has to get his "high" somehow. Remember, an A is like an addiction, he is an addict right now, seeking a fix. Please stay out of his way and keep yourself and your children safe emotionally and physically. He is not thinking clearly and you cannot do anything right now for him, he has to work this out on his own. Can he stay with his mother or maybe a brother or someone right now?



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Ya and hes the type that always keeps busy outside in the garage. He has a humvee to put together. Um ya buddy. I'm sure your bored. Lol...


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I am totally staying out of his way. I can't handle his attitude ugh pissing me off. I want to yell at him, your a grown ass Mann. Grow up!!! Did you think you'd marry a druggie. Come on now. Ya he can but he wont. He is acting like a teenager. Like seriously who is this guy. Grosses me out to see him like this. He didn't show any emotions towards me and our d. But I guess that was a given...


Me 34 H 33
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Hey is so bitter. We were talking about ppl changing and hes like some ppl won't change their skin color but He's like he's changed. I said how so, he said I don't care anymore. I said you don't care about me he said no why should I. I said if I died tomorrow you wouldn't care. I said watch what you say and walked away. I know it was wrong but it came out. He says I haven't changed and said I know I have and that's all that matters.


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Hello overcom, I am not yet up to speed with your sitch what I can see though is you've been through and are going through some tough times, yet you are dealing with them incredibly well. You've also been getting some really good advice and support from others on this forum that has undoubtedly helped you.

What I see of your H is he's a mr nice guy (being a reforming one I can spot them a mile off) who got disillusioned with his life and rather than dealing with it went AWOL thinking it would make him feel better and it doesn't.

You've said that he's back in the house and the OW is history (which is potentially a good thing), although even when he wasn't you seemed to spend a lot of time being aware of what he was doing, you focussed on him and his antics that in some small way may seem to him like pursuing.

What brought me over here initially was your saying on Photoka's thread that you are finding it difficult to set or write down goals, why do you think that is? Is it about the correct wording? Getting them to cover the right areas? Or are you a bit scared of them because you might not achieve them? The last one is very common and something I used to experience.

Given where you are in your sitch it's probably time to get your head into your goals and a plan that will give you a new focus and will in many ways make your life that little bit easier.

Have you picked up the DR book recently? If not, start at the beginning and work you way through to the goal setting section, these are the fundamentals and are in many ways the key to DB'ing.

Once you've done that post questions that come up and there are many here who can help you to start moving in the right direction. There are many different ways to tackle the goals and plans subject and once you've discovered the best way for you, it'll become a pleasure and something you'll really enjoy as you'll be growing.


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Originally Posted By: overcom
So h and ow broke up (for now) amd he's been coming home. Sleeping on couch. But he's been doing this new thing. He keeps saying it is boring. I'm boring... what can I do at 230 am... when the kids are sleeping. Last night he didn't come home. He went casino. And then he whines about not having any money.
Whatever. I know I'm not boring.
Yesterday was another busy day. Me day and then nieces bday party.
Ugh it's monday... work work work...


Know this, it is called projection. When WH says you are boring he means he is, when he says you haven't changed he means he hasnot. If he says you are stupid that's how he feels about himself.

Damaged individuals find someone with the matching skill, it is their attempt to make themselves whole.

Casino going, scuzzies, addictions, compulsives are all distractions from the inside work he needs to do. Until he accepts the hole in his soul this will be his behaviour.

Is WH normally compulsive?

Does he drink?

Does he smoke?

Does he overspend?

V


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Hi avanti. I have so many goals I just don't know how to achieve them. I have written them down but have a hard time of doing them or getting them done. I have read the Dr book like 3 times. I cannot set boundaries. I'm so scared these boundaries will push him away. He says that there is no hope for us. He says move on cause I have. What kind of boundaries do i set. What kind of goals do I want. These are the steps that are holding me back.
I have been detaching and have slightly gone dark. I only see him at nights. But starting tonight I will start being a stranger to him. I hate the things he was telling me just now. How can he buy me a anniversary gift last year and a month later cheat on me and then tell me I never cared for him or his feelings. I don't know. I know I haven't been doing right and have been here since March. I'm acting like I'm his door mat. 2nd choice. Why do I act like this. I have confidence of finding someone who will care more for me but my heart wants my h. But I will continue to concentrate on me and my kids. I won't believe everything he says. I told him to really think about who really cared for him. For 1 year of having an affair I still respected him I still cared for him and all he did was continue to have an affair and forget who i was. But it's OK cause it makes me want to work harder on myself so I can be the best. And only a fool want to leave. He needs to really work on himself but I DDon't think he knows he needs work to be done on himself. He thinks that he's right about everything and that he's better off single.


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O, think about your daughter. I know she is young, but she is watching you and by your example you are teaching her what to accept as treatment as a woman. How would you feel if someone treated her this way in the future? If you have trouble setting boundaries for yourself, which I understand, a lot of us do, then do it for your daughter. You are her role model. She is learning from you. Your actions speak louder than your words, and she is absorbing all of this, watching it all and recording it in her brain. And the thing is O, you are just as valuable and worthy as your precious daughter.

You should want this for your own self, but for some reason you don't value yourself to do this. You are worth more. You are worth fidelity. You are worth respect. You are worth love. You are.

I don't know how you've managed this long, the stress and heartbreak of your sitch are going to catch up with you one day in the form of illness, depression, something, I don't know what, but you can't continue this way. Put yourself first. Please, you are so worth it.



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Originally Posted By: overcom
Hi avanti. I have so many goals I just don't know how to achieve them. I have written them down but have a hard time of doing them or getting them done. I have read the Dr book like 3 times. I cannot set boundaries. I'm so scared these boundaries will push him away. He says that there is no hope for us. He says move on cause I have. What kind of boundaries do i set. What kind of goals do I want. These are the steps that are holding me back.
I have been detaching and have slightly gone dark. I only see him at nights. But starting tonight I will start being a stranger to him. I hate the things he was telling me just now. How can he buy me a anniversary gift last year and a month later cheat on me and then tell me I never cared for him or his feelings. I don't know. I know I haven't been doing right and have been here since March. I'm acting like I'm his door mat. 2nd choice. Why do I act like this. I have confidence of finding someone who will care more for me but my heart wants my h. But I will continue to concentrate on me and my kids. I won't believe everything he says. I told him to really think about who really cared for him. For 1 year of having an affair I still respected him I still cared for him and all he did was continue to have an affair and forget who i was. But it's OK cause it makes me want to work harder on myself so I can be the best. And only a fool want to leave. He needs to really work on himself but I DDon't think he knows he needs work to be done on himself. He thinks that he's right about everything and that he's better off single.


O -
Ive seen Starsky ask this many times, and I think its a very viable question.

"Do you think your H has any fear of losing you?"

Read what I bolded in the quote above.

If he has no fear that you arent going to be right there to pick him up when he falls, why should he ever learn to stand?

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Oh AZZORK you've hit the bullseye. He's not afraid of losing me AT ALL!!!! According to him he doesn't care about me. But we did set boundaries last night. So we'll see how it works out...
What can I do if we love together still. Do I do his laundry? He never helps around the house anyway and never expected him to.


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Hi V. So when he says no one ever cared for him or his feelings what's he saying? When in fact he knows how much I CARED!!!! maybe own didn't but I did.
He was always a chill guy. Drinking occasionally, smokes cigarettes nothing else. We've always been over spenders. We love to buy stuff... we didn't go to casinos cause we would lose ourselves but occasionally we would go and play a few hundred. Nothing Outrages. Now he says he's changed and doesn't give a f about anyone or what anyone thinks of him.


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I have a comment below on blue.

Originally Posted By: overcom
Oh AZZORK you've hit the bullseye. He's not afraid of losing me AT ALL!!!! According to him he doesn't care about me. But we did set boundaries last night. So we'll see how it works out...
What can I do if we love together still. Do I do his laundry?

Hell no. He is a big boy he can wash hos own drawers. He can make his own dinner. He can tie his own shoes. Etc.

You are not his mommy even tho he is acting like a child. He told you explicitly that he does not care about you. You need to allow him to reap what he sews.


He never helps around the house any6way and never expected him to.


As far as not pulling his own weight...I've never understood that POV but if that is ok with you, then that is your choice. If not than I am sure there are posters who have had that issue and would have better advice than what I could give.

Be strong. Respect yourself!

Last edited by Zephyr; 10/20/15 05:39 PM.

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I'm worried if I don't than he's gonna get mad and say something like he did before. Is this a hint that your not washing my stuff. Oh its OK I'll do it myself.
If I don't isn't that pushing him away?


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That is being passive aggressive on H's part. I agree with Zephyr, he is a grown man and can do it himself. If he goes through with divorce and becomes single who do you think is going to washing his dirty underwear??


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Does he wash your clothes? No, so as he doesn't care about you why should you still do his laundry? If he asked why you didn't do it, say I didn't have time too busy with D!

I know it's hard as I can see a lot of similarity with my situation. In just starting to let go (7 months later), and I can feel myself coping better everyday.

Hang on, it's not a pleasant ride but I do believe it will be worth it in the end!

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He is saying HE doesn't care for other people's feelings. You do, that's why he chose you mainly because that's projection of how he feels about others.

My WH used to say "you are not a 'we' person, I told you the only thing I didn't want was to be alone'. Actually everyone tells me I am one of the most we people we know. He also said "V you are the most selfish person in the world". What he is say is "I am the most selfish, I am not a we person".

Your WH says these things he is telling you how he is.

That is why you need boundaries and goals.
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One tip I use is to put my goals on coloured index cards. Write them on there. Then in pencil write the importance of the goal from 1 to 10. 10 is highest.

Then I put the goals in order and use a treasury tag to put them together. I use a storage box for my old goal cards and ones not for this month. I only carry my active goals around. In a clear pencil case. I also journal.

That way I can shuffle them. I takle the top 5 then after one month I tackle the next 5 etc. I rate my performance on every goal 1 to 10. Anything over a 7 is a hit. If I haven't scored over a 7 the goal stays in the pile. Next month I rate all my goals again anything over 7 comes out anything under goes back in. I again aim to tackle my top 5 goals.

Also I have a second diary in which the night before I plan my next day, cross off the current day. I add the things that reach my goals. For instance I had a goal of healthy eating, I joined an eating trial at the diabetic clinic, priority 10, for one month I followed the plan, so my diary contained the info for the eating plan for the next day. I hit my goal bullseye for the month so the cards for healthy eating were pulled. If it drops below 7 they go back in.

If you look on my thread you will see my Fins were priority 10 (still are) and I listed my actions.

Goal: I write my books up monthly and they are up to date. Alol clients are invoiced regularly and matters are up to date. PRIORITY 10 current score 5

So the card stays in and every night I list an action for the next day. On Saturdays and Sundays my Fins are almost all I do. When the score is 7 then the cards are removed from my index deck. If I fail my goal then it goes back in. The coloured index cards mean that I can identify my goal type blue for business, pink for health and beauty, low priority goals are on white cards, green for food etc.....

Note I say when not if!

For instance one of my goals was "I have beautiful feet and they are manicured" I book my chiropody every 6 weeks, use a foot cream and starting this month will have polish" so the goal will be 10, the pink card will come out of the deck.

That's how I do it, I am considered very driven, a high achiever and I am. I achieve my goals but not not all at once! Even V tackles a few at a time. Otherwise my index deck would be here to the front door. Too much.

I also keep my goal score on anew excel spreadsheet and thus I can see my progress. So my eating healthy score has gone from a 2 in August to an 8 in October. It's now automatic, if it slips below a 7 then back in the pack. It's a priority 10 to eat healthily.

So what do you do if all things are priority 10? You talk to someone about your goals and get feedback to ensure they aren't, then use a 1 to 100, if that doesn't work 1 to 1000!

That's how I do it.

Some goals once achieved never go back in for example I have visited the Northern Lights, it fitted with my adventure goal for the year 2001. Yes, I have 2 adventure goals for every year. This year they are priority 4, but most years 9. In 2013, I sky dived and took a double decker bus down a skid pan. In 2008, I abseiled a building and ran a mini marathon. In 2003 I did the London triathlon. Next year, I want to do a gan and start to travel, I want to go dance in Cuba. I would also like to do the carnival in Rio but that may be 2018, so its a goal priority 1. Indexed but not in my high priority stack on my treasury tag. Etc.......

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/21/15 07:52 AM.

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Seems to me that a couple of sessions with a life coach might be useful. That's different to IC.

A life coach would help you go through your goals, set priorities and develop a system to manage them.

V

Start a new thread - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 10/21/15 12:33 PM.

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Hi V. Wow V. Very informative and detailed. This will help me. Thank you!! OK my homework for the next few nights will be to sit down and list my goals. I will start a new thread then listing my goals. Thank you so much....huggsss

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