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JulieH Offline OP
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Yes I was surprised as well. I had asked him a while ago, and we went to a carnival together. He made sure he told me that he did not want to give me false hope and that it was for the kids. Things were a bit cold but polite. He asked me to go out to eat with the kids 1 x and things were also polite and detached. Kids were kind of wild and fighting. After that, neither if us asked. Counselor thought at the very least it would be good for kids and that we have to have a good relationship for their benefit and that every study out there shows that. She also said that we need to renew a friendship with each other before anything else happens. Feels that if I can become more friendly and project a positive energy it will help with friendship.

I am slowly developing more positivity in my life. I sometimes feel jealous of people raised with religion because I feel like when things become horrible, having that faith or belief is really helpful. I have been reading some sites based on buddhism and spirituality and that seems to help me a bit. It's hard though to keep those teachings within me consistent. Its so important for me to empathise and be compassionate with my husband (who I feel is baiting me every now and then). This would not be hard to do if it wasn't for the financial aspect. Maybe it's true that we are only given what we can handle.


Me: 42
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Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
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JulieH Offline OP
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Today I wasnt so positive. Instead I feel like husband and I are just becoming more of strangers. He had told me his goal when leaving was reconciliation. But he has made no real effort at reconciliation. He sees things so differently from me and I really don't get him. Is he stringing me along? What is he thinking? Is he just trying to accumulate resources or is he taking space? Or perhaps he wants to give me time to adjust to it so we will be more amicable during proceedings? There is no true communication. There was never any when he left.

Our problems could have been salvaged. No infidelity, no abuse, no addictions. I was willing to work on things. How do you do this to young children? So frusturated.


Me: 42
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Hi JulieH, I understand your frustration as being in this situation is far from being easy. I think that you need to be patient (believe me it's one of the hardest thing to do!) as from what I've gathered men will really need to be sure that the changes we make are for real and I think they need to feel secure before coming back.

He might be creating a financial nest for him and there is nothing that you ca do to prevent it. I'm sorry but didn't catch your work situation. Are you working? If not could you get a part time job? This will help you to build you confidence as well as putting you on the path of financial independence if it comes to the worse.

Thinking of you. Believe in what you can achieve (even the smallest thing is a victory).

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Hi rouky

I do work part time. I worked full time prior to having children, and then returned 3 mos post partum working part time. 2 children in day care did not make financial sense for us. My husband actually earns a pretty decent salary, but the area we live in is one of the most expensive areas in the country. The cost of living is high and the wages do not reflect it. Even if I received his child support it would be difficult to move out and stop depending on family. ( I could do it, but it would mean moving into a not so great area in a bad school district. One of my sons receives special services. So it would not be good for him. I feel like I am stuck). my husband and I had wanted to move because the lifestyle is so difficult, but now I feel stuck and without many options.


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JulieH Offline OP
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Questions...My husband left us. He says its because I pushed him out. He has been going and coming as he pleases. He goes out with friends, he is going on a vacation. He has no responsibilities. He will not make arrangements to spend time with kids on the weekends in advance. Tries to push for whenever it is convenient for him, he will just stop by.

I asked him to watch children a month from now for one weekend so I can go away with friend for her birthday and he is giving me a hard time. Why? In the past, he often encouraged me to spend time with friends so I do not get this. Same thing with the money. He gives me a hard time when I ask him for money for things for kids (never for myself) saying i need to work more. (completely irrational as courts would mandate that he gives me a lot more then i am even asking for) So the question is why. Is he trying to punish? Is it narcissism? Is he trying to push for a fight?

This behavior is making me question why i want to get back with him. I cant live a life like this forever. Is he truly this selfish and i just refused to see it before? or is this how he acts now that he no longer loves me and wants out?

A big part of me feels like its just too late to repair and better to cut my losses so i can just move on.


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It is difficult to say why he is like that as unfortunately you are not in his mind. Do you know where he lives at the moment? Did he agree to look after children for the weekend? My H tried to bail out twice about seeing the kids, I dropped them twice where he is staying! I can tell you that now when he is on time to pick up kids. You'll be scared to do it the first time round but you have nothing to lose. He can't get the police after you for abandoning the kids as you are dropping them to be with their dad.

If you want to do it, do it without telling him as he might try not to be there where you'll turn up at his place. It's a shame that it might have to come to this but you need to go away for that weekend, and he shouldn't be expecting your family to look after the kids as he is their dad!

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JulieH Offline OP
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It's so crazy, but in my case I want so badly to avoid divorce and legal separation, but logistically and financially it will actually be better for me. I am afraid he will fight for 50/50 to avoid paying child support. I am afraid of the animosity it will bring out.

I am not sure if he is holding out because He has it so easy right now why make changes, or because he really is considering the possibility for reconciliation.

He just won't give me an answer regarding that weekend. He does not have plans. i don't know why he won't give me answer.


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JulieH Offline OP
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Just journaling right now. Today is a really really bad day. My emotions are all over the place and it's not because anything happened. In fact NOTHING is happening, and that is what is so hard. It's a bad time of month (sorry tmi, but it really really plays a role). I keep telling myself that and I know these emotions won't be here tomorrow or maybe the next day and I am trying not to act on them and pursue. So I am writing here instead.

Right now I am obsessing that there is or was another woman. It would make so much sense, except for the times I talk to him or have asked him in the past about it. Then I trust. He is many things, but he is not a lier. Problem is everyone in these situations says the same thing. I never thought he would leave me and his kids either but guess what, he did.

If I knew, I could end this limbo. Move on, meet someone new, Start a new life (wasn't completely honest about some logistics so technically I could even start a new family if I don't wait too soon). But moving on is so difficult, and let's face it it will be much more difficult for a single mother. I would have to worry with young children of being targeted by pedophiles, or even finding someone willing to start a relationship with someone that has children and is devoted to her children. The fear of losing time with my children is also terrifying.

I want so badly to confront him with my fears of OW but I know it is the worst thing to do. It will show him my neediness and insecurity. It is telling him he has to take care of me emotionally. It works against me. It is a self fulfilling prophesy, and by doing so I betray myself. It makes me look so unattractive. I hate the games and want someone that would love me despite insecurities. We all have them so why is this all just a big sales pitch? I hate that. I don't trust the guy that looks me in the eye and shakes my hand too tightly just to show he's dominant and in control. To me the person that can be honest about themselves an what they feel is actually more secure cause they have the guts to just put it out on the table. Why the games? Especially with someone I have know for so long and have children with!

Sorry for the rambling. I feel a little bit better.


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So I am just hoping that there is some way that my following emotional confession to my husband might have helped and not hindered. I went against all of sandys rules. 1 st call annoyed him cause I was flat out asking if this separation was to work on reconciliation. He said he can't give answer and was uncomfortable with question. Some conflict but no reAl fight or argument. We ended on an ok note though.

Then I called him again and confessed how much I missed him and thought about him and regretted my contributions to the demise of our marriage. I told him how I realize he is scared to go back to our marriage and how I don't blame him and that's not what I want. I told him I was horrible after the boys were born and wished I could go back and redo it. I told him I love him when I hung up, but said good bye without waiting for a return. He was not going to say I love you back, so i did not wait. All he said was that he would talk to me when he comes home from his business trip. He did not seem angry at all or annoyed. This is all the stuff I did not do when he first left because I was so mad, but am doing now because I am consumed with emotions that are going everywhere. And because quite frankly I just miss him.

I just could not take the limbo any more. Nothing was happening the past few months.

On the one hand I am his wife and mother of his children. I am sure he is hurting as well. I am pretty certain now that there is no OW. All I am doing is telling him I love and miss him and want things to work. I do sense he still loves me.

On the other hand, he had told me earlier he wants space and for us to work on our problems separately. That there is currently no "us". So my doing this was basically dismissing what he had said before. I hope he does not see this as being dismissive of his requests.

Truth is, it's not just about being afraid to move on like I said in above post, I want to rebuild my life with him because I still love him and I think he still loves me.

Did I sabatoge us?

Last edited by JulieH; 10/07/15 02:25 AM.

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Originally Posted By: JulieH
I cant live a life like this forever.


I know the feeling. For a M to work we have to act on our commitments, not our feelings. My belief is that if M is conditional upon how we feel, might as well not get M. There will be times when we feel we can't go on. Maybe months. Maybe years. This is the "for worse". I know, I know, you're not even sure there is a M, or if he will stick it out. Yup. The uncertainty of it all, the isolation, the pain, the betrayal, all hard to bear, and it can make you feel like saying "but this isn't part of what we should go through in M". But it is. How many of us are on these forums? This truly is the 'for worse'. I say act with the character you wish he had.

It's a long journey. I am totally unperturbed by your conversation with him tonight. It may not have been DB, it may not have even 'helped' in the sense of speeding him through his journey, and you are right, in some ways it might not have been a positive. But you are on your own journey, and that was part of it. For me there have been stages of my grieving. The first 90 days was just a nightmarish blur. The next 90 days was difficult. Then I started getting my pain to manageable levels while still dealing with lots of anger, loss, etc. Now I'm just kind of numb and fatigued by it all and that feels like paradise after the hell I've been through. Point is that it's a long road, there's no way around some tough feelings, and as long as you're dealing with them you're on the right road for you. Things will settle down soon. Until then do a youtube search for "alligator death roll" and it will cheer you up...only DO NOT watch the first one of the guy in the blue shirt unless you have a tough stomach. Hang in.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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