Calibri, I am still reading your sitch. We have so much in common. Looking at irritability and rage as mania does fit.
Also my H, like yours, hides it from everyone but me. Our MC should see it though, it comes out there.
I wish I could just call you! My MC told me that I could email him any concerns I have and he would either keep it secret or use that info if he felt it would benefit our M . He also regularly contacts H's IC. I am thinking of sending him an email. I want to encourage H to see a pyschiatrist. Whether MC suggests it, or H's IC, idk, but I think he needs to be evaluated. I am also concerned that MIL is actively making things worse, she is using his current mental state to "win", to get her hooks into him and get him on her side. She is rehashing things with him from 20 years ago, every perceived wrong doing I have committed, and he is acting like it was all yesterday. Even openly admits "My mother was right all along". My concern is that an IC or even a MC or anybody really would hear "I was disconnected from my parents and have reconnected and talk to them daily now, they really listen to my problems" and would think that this is a great thing. This is not the case. If I say that I sound like the controlling DIL who is trying to keep these poor elderly parents away from their son.
I would hope that an IC would be trained well enough to spot this? But H is a good liar too. And his focus is all on me, his IC probably thinks I am a monster. And maybe I am. I knew my H was losing it. I knew it. And I stood by while he lost it.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Been thinking a lot today. And H just called me to tell me he has an opportunity to travel for work for a 6 month period. Might be able to make it home 1 weekend per month during this time. I don't know. My concern is that he will not be taking meds or going to counseling during this time, will probably feel better because he is busy and travelling and not dealing with real life issues, it would be a good escape. Then he will feel better, come home in 6 months and reality will hit him again and we will start this all over.
On the other hand, if he could use this time to really work on his issues, it could be a great blessing. Idk. Financially it would be good for us.
But he has a history of running from his problems. Is this just more of the same? I told him my concerns and he flat out denied that he needs meds. Said "that isn't the problem." So if he is going to avoid the problem here vs. avoid the problem somewhere else, maybe at least the space will be good for the kids and will help me detach. Either way, if he isn't working on himself that is not good.
That is the classic challenge. People with mental health concerns are the least equipped to recognize and deal with them.
I'm not his doctor but if he does need meds/therapy he will have to recognize it on his own. You can "help" him only so far. It is a very difficult challenge and very heartbreaking.
Are you seeing an IC? I would take about it with him/her.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
We are both seeing an IC. He has been for about 5 months. I think in the last 3 weeks or so his therapy got a little intense and has stirred up some anger. He was kind of relaxing a little more before that point. My IC said she would bet money that he was abused between the ages of 10-12 and he is emotionally stalled at that stage of development. I think she is right.
He likes his therapist, and he plans to continue unless he takes the job and then he will be travelling all the time for 6 months.
I could use the break tbh. But I am scared he will not come home.
Sounds like my H. When therapy got hard or real he bailed.
I wonder if his IC would do something ov er the phone.
Maybe this would be the ultimate in given him space. But I understand your fear about him stopping IC.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Stay out of it. Don't assume that his spew and hopelessness statements mean what you think. If he were done and without hope, he wouldn't be reacting the way he did to you. See what I just posted in mutatio's thread for some more on that.
All that said, I'd back way off on the trying to rekindle the R, esp. the sex (not that I don't appreciate your efforts on behalf of all heterosexual men everywhere and wouldn't have slapped his sorry a$$ around for being a dipsh*t if I had been there - well, I probably would have ... not going there). I think you are getting some mixed signals from him, and are being overly hopeful that you've entered the friends stage or even the patching stage. It is clear from his behavior that you have not yet. Focus on your DBing. Keep giving him his space and interact like it is a friendly business arrangement. You did great by showing him that it was safe to express his feelings. You did great to respond rather than react.
So, don't read this as a setback. It may just be part of the storm that needs to precede you getting to that friends stage. And from there you might work a while & get to the patching/rekindling stage. Just understand that you are disappointed - naturally - that you aren't getting the messages you'd expect in those two stages rather than seeing that you are doing mostly great DBing (you'll adjust the seduction according to the message you got), and that this conflictual, stormy (again see the post in mutatio's thread) reaction by him isn't necessarily a bad thing.
He is feeling hopeless because he really wants what you have to offer but doesn't think he can trust that it really is there for him. It is too good to be true. Very normal reaction on his part. Dysfunctional, but normal. He is angry because you are not behaving according to script and this scares him. He may very well be unconsciously trying to provoke you to go back on the script he has written for you. He'll have to work through all this (unfortunately he also could not be able to). Not making a big deal of this is great on your part. You get that it's hard for him right now. You get that in situations like this anger is going to be part of what he needs to feel - he is asking for a D after all, so what else would you expect. You don't agree with him (keep that to yourself), but you get him, and you're OK with that - at least mostly. That's why the detachment and GAL are so critical. Your life goes on and he is free to deal w/ his own sh*t as much as he needs to.
So, don't get discouraged. Not what you wanted. I'm right there with you on that, having recently had my good behavior trigger a similar reaction from my W. The key is to look at how well you handled that. You really did. You listened. You calmed the storm rather than escalated it. You treated it as 'no big deal,' even if it wasn't - you'll eventually have to re-engage drawing lines about what is a big deal, but pragmatically you did it just right. You returned love and understanding to his anger and rejection. That hurts and is hard, but just stop and recognize how far you've developed your R skills and how good you did.
Hang in there. I'm so glad my nearest anniversary is a few months in the rear view mirror, and I won't face another for 9+ months.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Mahhty thank you. Your kind words make me feel better. Although I think I screwed up the second half of the night. I need my sleep! I truly love my H and if you could just see his face you would see what I mean, this man is so depressed.
He just a few minutes ago sent me a text saying "I am sorry."
I responded with " I forgive you. Please do something nice for yourself today, you are important. " I can't cure depression. And I can validate and empathize to a point, but at a certain point it feels really wrong to validate things that are just so not true and so destructive.
There is a tone in your responses I wish I had and could relate with. I believe it is compassion. You are very smart and strong. I hope you understand that.
As for Calibris comments. If a mental health disorder is apparent. you will need different tactics than MWD and Sandis Rules to improve the situation.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Asitis made several really good points, but the one that resonated with me most was regarding H being annoyed because you are not following the script he wrote for you. I experienced the same thing in my situation.
I have a vague idea of what H thought would happen at BD, and it frustrated him greatly that I didn't do what he planned. At this point, I surprise him almost daily. However he'd managed to serotype me with his justifications is at odds with my behavior and choices daily. It's really knocking him off balance. Sometimes he exhibits pleased surprise, other times he gets truly annoyed.
It makes me sad. When did we put one another in a box and fail to see anything that didn't fit with our preconceived viewpoints? I'm as guilty as he is in this regard. I don't have a script, but I thought I knew him so well I could predict every action he would ever take. Didn't he surprise me?
I know you worry about your H, but I'm pretty sure you can't help much right now, in spite of your sweet heart and loving desire to help. Your H has painted you as the villain in this little drama. I want to drive over there and shake some sense into him! Depression is so extremely difficult to manage. It took one giant explosion to knock me out of mine and back into awareness. I thought I was fine, too.
