Mozza (13) + Links to success stories

[SunnyB]

Regarding the cost-sharing, you guys are not making it any easier! I had pretty much decided to share evenly with her, if only to avoid poisoning the relationship over a few hundred dollars. Part of me wants to ask her: "Why exactly am I paying for this D that I didn't want?" if only to make her think about it

Mozza, thanks for the update. As far as cost-sharing, if it makes you feel any better at all, I probably would have let it go if we were talking a few hundred dollars. You are correct that money is not worth ruining your co-parenting relationship over. In my case, "my half" of the legal fees would have been a really significant portion of my yearly income, STBX makes multiples of what I do, and, most importantly, he agreed to pay it.

[Vanilla]

Can you post the coats?

You probably have deadlock over the poor old coats.

Silly thing to take a stance over, coats. So be it. Your WW has real entitlement.

I would just post them.

V

[Mozza]

She never came to get the coats and asked me to drop them off at school. Oh well.

Allow me to indulge in a bit of schadenfreude. WW wanted cats, but having experience with them, I was reluctant knowing how much maintenance they require and that WW was lazy-ish on such obligations. A couple of weeks ago, she told me she'd get cats (new life! be herself!). She gave a pic of the cats to the kids and D7 couldn't stop talking about them. I was a little sad, feeling that I had been the killjoy in the R, that indeed WW could finally do what brings her joy far away from me, etc. Plus, the kids would have a blast with the cats at mommy's place.

I spoke to D7 briefly yesterday. Turns out that WW is returning the cats after less than a week. They made too much damage into her apartment already. D7 told me tales of a cat that doesn't want to be touched, that hide, etc.

I'm ashamed to say I was pleased. Mostly, it proved me right for being the reasonable one in the couple on this issue... and maybe others. Oh, I don't think WW will see it this way, but I do.

[Vanilla]

It was the wrong cat

Cats choose their servants.


V

[mahhhty]

I've been thinking a lot about writing a letter to WW, without even sending it, but strangely, I lose interest as soon as I sit in front of my computer. It spins in my head, sometimes obsessively, yet it bores me when it's time to actually do it. Oh well.

Mozza - I've caught up on your situation. This quote caught me. As someone who has felt this way for a very long time. You should go back and re-read some of your posts that you wrote to me during my struggle.

Writing a letter appeals to many people and for different reasons. Its appealed to me multiple times and often obsessively (as you have mentioned). My reasons for writing has changed multiple times throughout the journey. In the beginning, I wanted to make an impact, or be heard (ultimately to change her mind). And even now I still have an urge and believe I will, to try and bridge the gap of our communication (very similar to Crimson and his story).

I have to admit even now, I still think of writing a letter and including the contradictions, statistics, the things I learned, her negative contributions, lack of remorse, and her passiveness. But I won't. What I need to do is work on forgiving and letting go of that piece of the puzzle.

My two cents. Good luck.

[Mozza]

Vanilla: Haha! Always the right word.

mahhhty! Long time no see. Thanks for stopping by. I guess one of the things that keep me from writing that letter is that it won't ever get through to her. Yet, today I had another inner monologue for her. I see one point at which she will listen to me: when she'll need something important from me, like moving to her country. That will be my opening to make her understand what she put me through. I'm not sure it matters, I don't even know if I'll feel like it at that time.

I was hearing parents argue with their little kids yesterday and they kept on talking over their kids to calm them down and, as an external observer, I kept thinking: "Shut up, your kid wants to be heard, not talked to." I think there's a lesson there for the letter-writers like me.

I heard yesterday that OM will accompany WW on a trip halfway around the world with her mom to see the MIL's home country. I've never been invited to go there. It stung a little and, like an old scent, reminded me of feelings past. But it went away almost immediately. I realized that while I envy the privilege, I don't envy the experience all that much.

As it's been for almost a year, I sense growing the idea that a R would simply not be good for me. I feel stronger than ever in this opinion. I've been through the meat grinder in the last year and getting back with her would almost certainly be lining up for another round a few years down the road. She cheated on me twice, left me without a warning and a look back, has always been this impulsive and even disloyal to her friends. It's not an exception, it's who she is. I bet on the wrong horse, that's all. I should cut my losses and move on. But then, the kids... OK, back to not thinking about a question that isn't asked.

[Mozza]

My kids have been mentioning the S lately. D7 aked me out of the blue while I left her mom. I replied that I did not, that her mom left me. She paused and ask why she did. I said I didn't know. That's all I could come up with on the spot and it's half true and the other half is just too complicated to explain to her, not to mention that it might come out wrong.

D4 said that she wanted me and her mom together. She loves both of us a lot and seems to wonder why is it that she can only see one of us at a time. She practically never mentions OM. I kind of wonder what places he occupies in their lives. I find it strange that he goes unmentioned.

Last Wednesday, it was not my week, but I "babysat" them all day because of a strike at school (and WW didn't want to miss work; she never does). We had a blast. I wanted a full day and it was: we prepared sushi and sangria, went grocery shopping, did some craft, sang and danced, called my parents, cleaned a bit around the house. This week-end, we went to Six Flags, and then picking apples with friends. We always do lots together and I love it. I asked D7 what they do with their mom and she said "nothing". Part of me is happy to be a bright spot in their week, but another part wishes that they had a full life on both sides.

[mahhhty]

This post makes me happy, and it should make you happy too.

Mozza, my man.... you are truly a great father.

GB posted on my thread awhile ago, about kids as they grow older. And two things have stuck with me, which are very appropriate.

1) Remember whatever conversations they are having with you. They are having with her. She is shifting and wriggling under the pressure of their questions and either lying or getting nailed with truth darts.

2) They are going to have more of a decision on where they go and why as they get older. Be the rock. Be the lighthouse. Oh wait... you already are! And for that reason is why you are a great father.

[raliced]

D4 said that she wanted me and her mom together. She loves both of us a lot and seems to wonder why is it that she can only see one of us at a time. She practically never mentions OM. I kind of wonder what places he occupies in their lives. I find it strange that he goes unmentioned.

Mozza, FWIW- When D4 was 3 she would occasionally babble about OW - but not very often. D7 never spoke about her, unless responding to a direct question that I had asked. Maybe its just how kids are, but I tend to think we somehow give off vibes that we're not fans of the affair partner - and they are quick to pick up on that.

Lately D4 likes to call out all of our names and finish with some commentary, all while sporting a huge smile. "Mommy, Daddy, D7 and me! And we're a fam-i-ly". My heart contracts a little every time.

[Ripe]

My kids have been mentioning the S lately. D7 aked me out of the blue while I left her mom. I replied that I did not, that her mom left me. She paused and ask why she did. I said I didn't know. That's all I could come up with on the spot and it's half true and the other half is just too complicated to explain to her, not to mention that it might come out wrong.

Mozza, I am facing the same situation and questions by my kids.
The other day, STBXW talked about an issue that has been deeply disturbing and upsetting her.
We told the kids about the divorce using MWD advise, as I told here. Since then, the kids have been asking me why don't I like their mother anymore and why don't I want to be together with her. I have given them an honest answer: I still like their mother and I would like for us to be together.
The kids then asked why we are separating but we have told them this is mum's and dad's business.
Obviously the kids now know it's the mother who wants the divorce and have been questioning her about this. S9 asked her: "why do you want to separate from dad?" and S7 answered instead: "because she doesn't like dad anymore."
This has profoundly affected STBXW, so she asked me what should we tell them. I answered we had agreed the motives were private and we would not discuss them with the kids.
She insisted we had to find a way to tell the kids it was not her fault and again I told her we should not discuss responsibilities with the kids. STBXW insisted once more.
Obviously she starts to be confronted with the consequences of her decision and is not liking them.
She fails to see we both are guilty for the marital crisis (I have told her I assume my share in that guilt) but she is the only one responsible for the divorce.