Confused Newbie 3

[sandi2]

I have been able to keep the conversations shorter. I have made excuses to walk away, have been busy when W wants to chat. I feel like she is using kid stuff as a reason to come talk to me. I know that I come across as mad, more than hurt now. And that is without faking anything. It's just where I am right now. I trusted W with everything and she has betrayed me and the boys. Maybe not A, but I wouldn't be surprised anymore.

I don't think the H has to go around with a cheesy smile when his W is disrespecting him in front of his kids.

Exactly what did you say to her about not sitting by you at the games? Maybe you were too nice or not plain enough? Did you actually say something along the lines, "Wife, I do not want you sitting by me.......anywhere. If we are going to be separated in our M and private lives, then we are going to be separated in the public".

Are you discussing the games together during the week whenever she contacts you? I suggest you stay clear of any game conversations. Do you contact her if you aren't attending a game? If so, you need to stop, immediately. I tried to explain this previously, and how it works against you. She will not respect your request if you are not behaving as if you are separated.

This may shock some people, and they may think it's rude or childish......but I'm thinking like a woman here. Stop taking her homemade bread, or any other dishes she tries to give you. If the kids bring it home without you face to face with her........put it in the frig and don't serve it (unless the kids presicely ask to eat it). Always have something else planned for the meal. You don't have to dump it in the trash, just put it away till the kids leave. Trust me, she'll know if it was not eaten. I think I can guarantee a change. She will be furious! So what? If you want her to stop the games....then stop being involved in these things that agg it on. As I said before, she uses this to keep you attached. What do you say when she tries to give you food? "No thanks, I'm good", and immediately leave. If she persists, shake your head and move your feet out the door (or show her the door). Nothing gets the message over as clear as saying, "No thanks".
That woman knows what she is doing with the food, sitting next to you, and using the kids as her excuse to keep you attached and her backup plan. You are going to have to make more tough decisions, before she gets the picture that she cannot play these games. At this point, she is not feeling she's really lost you (as crazy as it sounds). She thinks she still has you for all practical purposes.



About parent's night at school, get a school calendar that shows the dates of events. You are S, and should not rely on your W to inform you about these things. You can also have a copy of their progress reports, notices of conferences, etc., sent to you.

Your children should not be left to think daddy doesn't want to come home. What is your W doing when the kids are begging you to go back home? Let me guess........nothing.

Have the children seen a counselor or Priest who could talk to them about the separation?

[sandi2]

Btw, don't tell her you are trying to detach. She needs to see you doing it, without her help. If you tell her she needs to stop sitting by you b/c it hinders you detaching or moving forward.....then you are defeating yourself. You don't tell a woman those things.

[dday]

Thanks Sandi. I do not contact her. I wait to respond when she texts me. She does nothing at all when the kids ask me about coming home... how did you guess? I read your explanation of WW, that fits her. I told her that if she doesn't want me, then she needs to not sit with me. You can't have part of me, it's all or nothing. Don't know if that's the right thing to say. The bread is still sitting on the table, never opened it. The boys didn't eat the soup the week before. So I guess I unknowingly did that right.

Keep the advice coming!
I am having issues with lack of trust and respect for her today. Maybe that's a nermal step?

[sandi2]

I told her that if she doesn't want me, then she needs to not sit with me. You can't have part of me, it's all or nothing. Don't know if that's the right thing to say.

No, I don't think it was wrong to say.

The bread is still sitting on the table, never opened it. The boys didn't eat the soup the week before. So I guess I unknowingly did that right.

Good!

I am having issues with lack of trust and respect for her today. Maybe that's a nermal step?

From what I have read other LBH's say, it is completely normal. Here's the thing, when a person gives you reason not to respect or trust them.....then it's up to them to earn it back.

How do you respect someone who is disrespectful? How do you trust someone who did not value your trust? If they continue doing the same thing, then how can it restore what has been lost? I have read where this can be very difficult for the LBS during piecing. It takes time for the WS to earn it back, and if they aren't trying to earn it back......that's not good.

Don't be too hard on yourself today.

[dday]

You are right, she will have to earn the respect and trust back. Its funny that it is exactly one of the things she has said about me. She doesn't trust that my changes were real, and she doesn't respect me. I turned to mush @ BD. So, I can see the lack of respect. I recently started standing up for myself, and she backpedals and apologizes. I was afraid to do it, avoiding fights I guess. But when I did I got a positive result.

She has texted me several times in the last 24 hours. All of which are quite wordy. My responses have been 1 or 2 words. May come across as a d!ck, but I'm not sure that matters right now. I just respond: ok, no, yes, etc.

I do want to restore my family, but I won't just give in and run back to her. If she decides to work on us, she has a LOT of catching up to do. I'm not bitter, I'm just in a different place than I was a couple weeks ago.

[dday]

Had baseball tonight. W didn't even talk to me. Yesterday she wants to sit with me, then texts me. Texts me this morning. Then doesn't talk to me tonight. Is inconsistency normal?

I know that it's not supposed to bother me. I haven't reached that point yet, I suppose.

Still have trouble acting nonchalant, etc. Wish I could do that a lot better!

[mutatio]

You will do better tomorrow and better the day after. You are a product of your experiences. As long as you keep evolving you'll do fine.

At this point in my life I feel wishes are for kids. If I want to have a different behavior I work at changing my actions. No magic fairy's in my book.

My gut says you still have a shot at saving your marriage. That doesn't mean it won't get harder for you or that you could still crash and burn. If what you said is true, you could have chance. As events unfold you must react/respond carefully. Sandi2 has your back, listen to her and heed her words.

[dday]

Thanks mutatio. I sure hope there is a chance at saving my M. I am trying to not pressure her, and there has been no R talk for a couple weeks. She hasn't mentioned D stuff for a while either. Baseball ends this week, so I won't see her nearly as often. I think that will help me be able to detach more, if nothing else.

[dday]

Forgot to do this yesterday.
I am grateful today for:

I get to enjoy fall break with my boys this weekend/next week.
My friends that invited me to go camping with them a couple weeks ago, they are very supportive.
S6 wanted to play catch with me last night. He misses me, and I am glad we got to do that.


_________________________________________________
I am re-reading the detachment chapter in CDNM. It still feels wrong to me, I feel like I am giving up. I know it is healthier to let go, but it feels wrong. I need to get to the place where I can show everyone that I am ok, no matter what. I know that I will be, no I just have to figure out how to project it.

Thanks for the support and advice! Keep it coming!

[dday]

Sunday's reading at mass was from genesis. It was the story of God taking a rib from Adam and making Eve. Because it is not right for man to be alone. And this is the reason that man leaves his mother and father, and is joined to his wife to make one.

It spoke to me, that God is trying to show her the way. I hope she heard it too!