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I agree... that the non-sexual affection is very necessary. I feel the worst in my R when that goes away. In His Needs, Her Needs it is listed as a woman's very important need and is important for a woman's sex drive. So it is good that you are communicating this to him. I'd keep at it.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
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It seems it was only that one night... frown It was an awkward pull my head towards his chest-move, and the next night there was nothing again, even though there was plenty of opportunity.

So today, after being not particularly respectful of me while we were working together, he thought it was 'time'. I didn't pick up on the invite, so he came over and tried to pull my shirt up. I held it down, and he tried to push my hands up (because he's stronger). This is his normal behavior. I got angry and told him it was not cool to fight me. He got upset and said it was not cool what I did, either. We've had this exchange before.

We have this cycle where he says that if we just ML, he'll feel closer and more affectionate, but then it doesn't happen - there's no affection afterwards. So I have been going along and going along for years, hoping to elicit affection, but I feel like in actuality, he's just checking it off his list so he can move on to other things he wants to do. I have voiced all of these concerns to him for years, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

There's been incidents where I tried to show him affection - like hold his hand - and he pulled it away. He says he feels uncomfortable showing affection in public. He also seem uncomfortable hugging, he gets very restless and has to move away very quickly, and pats me awkwardly during any hug I initiate.

The gestures he used to do years ago, were either sexually charged (patting my butt) or somewhat uncomfortable - he tends to use way too much physical force. He would do things like stroke my forehead and hair like I was a cat or dog, which flattens my hair (no woman wants their hair flattened!) And he did exactly the same with his mother and his daughter, which made it feel a little weird.

He says he has no need for affection. I don't understand how it is possible to live without it.

I'm at the end of my rope and out of ideas. The MC didn't really have any suggestions. I'd love some input here...


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jul 2015
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I would find a time to communicate to him that w/o affection, you feel used when you ML. So without affection, it is no longer going to work for you to ML because you need him to come along with working on the marriage. It cannot just be you fulfilling his needs & him not fulfilling yours.

Maybe find a new counselor if they cannot help you with this bit. Seems an important part to be able to figure out.


T: 14 M: 12
D: 9 S: 6
BD: 2/18/15 (H affair)
Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15
Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15
H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15
H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,450
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I totally agree, it's a very important part!

I have told him this a number of times, it feels like I've said it 1000 times - but it seems like maybe I reached him by using different language this weekend. I told him that I couldn't ML because I had to preserve my self-respect. For some reason, that really seemed to make an impression.

I also said that it felt like a booty call from the guy who can't be bothered to have a committed relationship with you, but calls late on Saturday and wants to come over...

Since then, he has tried to be more affectionate, I can tell. Perhaps being very direct is the way to go. I've had smarter dogs, though.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Apr 2015
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So cheeseless tunnels don't work?? Can be a simple change as the language you are using. We all seem to have the same problem with Hs that don't understand affection versus physical intimacy. I went out with someone from bootcamp tonight. Same concern. Romance and non-physical care goes a long ways guys.

Last edited by BT13; 10/01/15 03:08 AM.

Me: 42 H: 40
M: 12
H moved out - 8/2015
I filed - 8/2015
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Just a quick update to share that things are humming along pretty good here. H seems to put an effort into being more affectionate, giving me a hug every night before bedtime.

We're still sleeping in separate bedrooms, and he seems uninterested in working out the practical bed problem (two bad backs with different needs).

I am not always a peach to live with, but for some reason, it almost seems he responds better when I'm quite direct and short about how I feel. One-sentence statements seem to make an impression. (Less is more? ;))

A lot of the behavior I dislike from him, is triggered by being tired, stressed or overwhelmed. He's not good at taking care of himself.

All in all, it's been a good week.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Painter, can I ask a question that's not about your sich? smile Luckily I don't have this problem for myself, but I read on the boards all the time how parents are using their kids as pawns in the D game: not letting them play sports because dad is the coach, sending them to grandma's instead of dad's when mom is out of town, things like that. In your professional experience, how do you stop things like this? Is there a way to get both parents focused on their kids instead of each other? In particular, I was reading WhyUs's sich, and it seems they are heading down a destructive court battle path. What's the alternative?



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Just want to clarify that I'm not a professional, I led a non-profit organization for divorced families for many years, so that's where my experience is from.

There are a couple of things that can be done:
1) ask for mandatory co-parenting classes - this is usually supported by the courts so not a difficult wish to get granted. Offering to pay for them increases the likelihood.

2) Ask for a right of first refusal-clause in the custody agreement. That will usually state something to mean that if one parent has to leave the children with a caretaker, the other parent has the right to get them before anyone else can be asked. That should also be pretty straight-forward, but remember - it goes both ways!

And read up on Parental Alienation. It is a concept that is being increasingly accepted, even in Family Court.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
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Posts: 2,685
Painter, thank you for checking in on Why. I know three couples for whom parental alienation is playing out in a big way. I've seen kidnapping, jail time, and $2 mil in legal fees in one case, it's totally crazy. For the life of me I just can't understand how you would do that to your child. There's no other adult on the planet worth damaging my child over. Not. One. Anyway, I appreciate your input.



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I know, it's horrible. The slogan for PA is 'when you hate your ex more than you love your children'. frown


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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