Thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate all of you taking time to read my posts and write to me.
Was it a rape? I don't think I can say that comfortably, not because I agreed with him, but because he is still my H... I know he is not acting/treating me like H, but still, I don't know.... From going forward, I'm not sure exactly what kind of protective measures I can take? H knows I didn't want it and H also regretted it, but he still comes around the house. SIL knows about his issues with alcohol and possible depression because I asked for her help before when he was late, but not about OW. I guess she also asked H if he needs help in anything, but he said he is fine.
This morning H seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked him if he feels depressed and he flat out denied it, he seemed offended by my comment. I told him I'm just concerned but he said he is just fine. Personally I have never had clinical depression, but the conv. I had the other night with H definitely felt like he has some issues, doesn't it?
Honestly I just feel exhausted. Too tired to go up and down with his mood and actions, too tired to think about kids and myself security and finances, too tired to have to think about what to do and say every single day, too tired to be always the responsible one. I know I shouldn't say that but I wish I could be the one who go crazy. Sorry, it's just overwhelming. I thought we were happy until just a few months ago. How did my life get into this mess...
Forget talking about boundaries. He just showed you what he thought of your boundary. I'm feel you need to have someone to knock some sense into H. And that won't be you. No way I would let someone use force on me without a swift and stern response. Anything less is just asking for it to happen again. It's time for action not talk.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
mvgfwd, Who do you think can/should talk to him? H just texted me saying he woke up late from a nap with S1 and 30min late for picking up D3 from her school. What has he become? I'm just so lost right now.
A male that H would not ignore. A mutual friend you would trust to defend you. His father. If you are uncomfortable with all the details just leave that you are afraid he will abuse you and explain his erratic behavior. But you need someone to let him know any type of abuse will not be tolerated.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
I agree about the swift and sure boundary. I'm concerned about what happened Anna. Your H behaved abusively towards you. Has he ever been that way before? In a sexual or physical sense? What happened was an act of anger and control - those things are normally what non-consensual S is about.
I'm not sure about getting a 3rd party male involved though. If you feel able, you could let him know that what happened wasn't acceptable. That you don't want to ML to him when he is not 'in' the M and is focused on someone else. That you were unable to stop his advances and it was frightening. That you need to feel safe with him in order for things to remain as they are. Should you not feel safe with him again, you will take steps to ensure your safety.
Hope you're doing okay, and I do think it is important to recognise the severity of what happened and avoid any potential escalation. I worry that if your H is both angry and has a perceived loss of control, there could be further incidences of this.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
H was never violent or abusive physically or sexually. nor had anger issues. I have never been afraid of H that way. I think it was mostly driven by sexual frustration and him being influenced by alcohol was another factor. But of corse, the fact is that he disrespected me greatly.
I will see SIL tonight. I think I will tell her about OW. I know I can trust her as she has always been supportive of me with issues regarding H. I just need to talk to someone. I'm not sure if there is anyone H would listen to at this point, so I will hold off bringing someone else to talk to him just now. I will talk to SIL about that too if she thinks maybe FIL is a good candidate. FIL had issues with alcohol long time ago according to MIL. Both H and SIL did not remember him that way though.
After that I might have a chance to talk to H. This morning H totally ignored me. I don't know how he is going to be tonight. Aside from being abusive towards me, I'm upset about him being not dependable when it comes to kids now. Kids shouldn't have to wonder where their dad is, they shouldn't worry about if their dad is going to show up as he is supposed to. D3 tells me she loves me so much so many times everyday lately. It breaks my heart thinking about her motivation to do that, maybe she is trying to comfort me (though I rarely show how sad I am to them) or she is afraid being abandoned.
Am I being too nice? I guess I'm being really bad at boundaries and how to communicate/enforce them. How can I earn his respect without arguing or being hostile when I have to convey something he wouldn't like?
Hi Anna, I'm just checking in to say Hello and to see how you have been doing. I hope things have settled down a little for you. Do post when you get chance and let us know how things are going my friend.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Not much has happened. SIL canceled our meeting last week since FIL had a fall and injured himself that evening. We had a small family reunion on the weekend, but H was working so SIL just invited me and kids. We had a good time. It's kind of weird, but I always get along very well with H's family and when I'm there, it feels surreal that H and I have this problem at home. H's been ok with me. He has been calm and friendly. He is usually more friendly in the morning than at night, I don't know why. He rarely says anything at night even if I see him.
mvgfwd, Good idea! I actually have one and I never thought I would use it for my H, but just show him what I have is good.
Sotto, Thank you for checking on me as always. I just feel so tired sometimes and wonder how long we will do this, but I know I should just think about getting by today and tomorrow.
Hi Anna, I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. I hope he's doing okay after his fall. It's good that you get along well with SIL and that H has been okay with you.
Something will lie behind his quietness at night and it is probably to do with R with OW. Perhaps he is contrite in the mornings, but in the evenings building up to seeing OW and the silence is part of that. Best not to wonder too much or read anything into that.....though I know I just tried to!
I also thing the pepper spray is a good idea. I wouldn't tell your H about it though - just use it if you need to stop him in his tracks!
I can understand your tiredness and you already know that wondering how long this will go on won't serve you well. As you wisely say, just focus on today and tomorrow and the rest will unfold in time as all sitches do. Now, tell us what you are doing by way of self-care and GAL just now my friend...
xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
