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Lou,
I'm glad he posted to you and shared his thoughts w/you. I'm glad you were able to share your thoughts as well. Hopefully, the communications will continue to be open and he'll feel comfortable enough to continue sharing w/you. Trust is a word that is strongly used when reconciling, just as being transparent is. He's going to have to get use to those two words if he wants to win you back. He's still in the healing stage and it appears that his IC is helping him quite a bit.

I do hope that you enjoy your vacation and can leave the MLC situation behind for just a bit. You need to relax, have some fun and just go w/the flow.

I think you are doing great!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello. I have no advice, just following your sitch and hoping you have a great vacation!

Sorry about the disappointing anniversary, but sounds like you are back on your feet again. I like the communication between your H and you. I only know your recent sitch, so I will need to go back and read your story. As the others have said, take it slow with no expectations. Seems to be the best way to go!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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LouR Offline OP
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Hi all, just an update and a 'please give me a pep talk" plea !

I am enjoying my vacation, I did mention a beach and a bottle of wine in a previous post - well, done both those things already. I found some interesting driftwood and shells on the beach so I bought them home and have put them on my porch, my little piece of the seaside every time I step outside my front door.

The wine was drunk whilst star gazing, its a favorite pastime of mine, I can't tell you about the stars, I just love looking at them.

Today I got a text from h asking if I was enjoying my vacation and had I something in my hand which had an umbrella in it yet. I replied yes it is very relaxing and I am not sure where he thinks I am but its more a beer bottle not an umbrella.

He mentioned I have been a quiet since last week and was everything ok? This is hilarious as I have been doing my nc and been waiting for him to contact me - so I told him that the same could be said for him and he replied that he gave up waiting and decided to check I was ok. Ha ha ha - so in this case he was waiting for me to contact and I was waiting for him to contact ....but he broke first ....oh I have learnt from the master, thank you job for your patience shovel, it serves me well :o)

Long conversation short, we ended up saying that both of us were waiting for each other to make the next move - I said that our sons are so much better at this! So I took the initiative and went for it

My text : So - I happen to be free this week, would you like to meet up?

H: Yes, that would be nice

Me: ok, then that's one decision down

H: driving now, will call you when I get home.

We spoke for quite a long time and have agreed that we don't want our sons to know about this until we are sure ourselves. It would be hard for us to spend time together if he came to me as s18 lives with me, so I have said I will go to him and whilst I am there catch up with s21. I suggested that I stay near by so that we have our own space to go to which will allow for us to process the meet without each other being around, h thought this was a good idea. So the current plan is for me to fly down on Thursday and spend Thurs & Fri with s21 and then meet with h Friday evening or Saturday morning and we will take it from there.

Got off the phone and do you know what was going through my head .....omg, what shall I wear ....seriously, I think that is the least of my worries !!! I feel like a nervous teenager on a blind date !!

So any tips, advice, anything to get me on the plane.

I know - zero expectations (easier said than done).

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Lou,
You've got this! I would keep things as simple as possible and just enjoy myself. I wouldn't rush into anything w/him because he's still not baked fully. You'll know more when he's there in front of you. Listen to what he has to say, but also watch his body language because that can be telling. If he suggests have sex, just be sure to have some protection as you don't know what he may have picked up along the way. (I know you already know this.)

I'm glad you've been enjoying your vacation and now you have something else to look forward to. Go and have a great time visiting your son and your h. Keep the expectations dialed down and just see what he has to say and where things go.

Good luck!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Lou, sounds like a good plan. I think it may be an idea to purely see how spending a little time in eachother's company feels. Like me, you haven't seen your H in a while and maybe it is best to just start reconnecting on a friendly level, and put anything more complicated for a later stage.

To me, things that fall into the 'more complicated' bracket would be romance, ML, R talks and so on. If you keep things at a friendly and relaxed....let's just spend a little time in eachother's company....that may be best. I know you've posted before about the 'will he feel that attraction to me again' concern. Well, he may or he may not....but I wouldn't rush into anything major this time around....plenty of time to get to know each other again..

JMHO...and what do I know really!! As for what to wear. Well, I would just dress to suit yourself and so you feel attractive and don't overthink that one.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping all goes well xx


T 13 M 7
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SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Lou,
I've finally caught up on your story. WOW!
Lou, you are amazing! I cannot believe all you've been through in the past 16 months. You are much better than I am at controlling your emotions. I remember reading in your 2nd or 3rd chapter how one day you hoped you could help someone the way you were being helped here. Well, I'm that someone you have helped; thank you for your wisdom, kindness and support. I hope to be able to follow your example in NC and GAL.

Our stories are quite similar also. Your H's family situation sounds quite a lot like how my H grew up. I've come to believe that they have to re-create the trauma to finally heal from it. We're collateral damage... getting hit by friendly fire, to continue the analogy.

So I find myself wondering how it's going with you and H this weekend. I'm praying for you Lou, that this is a wonderful weekend. keep us posted! xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I just caught up and wow, really excited for you! You will do great. Please update us when you get back, wishing you a wonderful visit smile ((hugs))


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Joined: Nov 2014
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Thank you job, Sotto, Bttrfly and Mleigh, as always your support and words are very much appreciated.

I will catch up on everyone’s sitches over the next day or so, but hope everyone is having a lovely weekend.

So - how my weekend went !!

I met up with s21 on Thursday, we went for lunch and then went bowling, it was hilarious. Friday we went up the mountains to look at the view across the city. We went to the beach for a paddle in the sea. H text and asked me what I had planned for that evening, s21 was going hunting so I replied nothing planned and did he want to meet for dinner or a drink. H replied yes and that he would pick me up after work, go back to his house so I can see our dogs and then we can decide about dinner.

Thankfully I had time for a shower and change as I had not planned to see him until Saturday. I decided on a long summer dress that showed the “girls” off grin oddly I did not feel nervous. H arrived, he got out of his car and said Hi, cheesy grin, gave me a kiss and hugged me so tight saying “great to see you”. We went back to his place (nice house) and took the dogs for a walk. Lots of chatting and laughing, kept it light, catching up about the boys and life in general. We then got pizza and chatted until late, then he took me back to my motel. It was really difficult to read him, I was unsure of how he felt seeing me again or if he felt what he thought he feels for me, half of me waiting for the “I have made a mistake” speech again. We got to the motel, he got out and hugged me and then kissed me ….I mean really kissed me ….more hugs and he whispered “I am really looking forward to tomorrow”. Phew, ok, that was a bit better signal from him! As for me – it was ok, a bit weird kissing him, it felt comfortable but something was not quite right – not bad, but can’t quite put my finger on it.

Saturday we met up early and went for a drive across the mountains and had lunch in a café by a big lake and we went for a walk. When we got back h had a headache and wanted a snooze to get rid of it. Cheekily I lay down next to him, he smiled and fell asleep, at one point my hand was next to his and he held it. We both ended up having a power nap lol. We took the dogs for a walk and he held my hand, now that felt fine, natural. Then we went to the supermarket – ex ow rang him – I did not react, he spoke in front of me, it was about a bill he had forgotten to pay, there was no sentiment, he was matter of fact and kept it short and blunt, he told me what it was about straight away. I said nothing, just smiled. After shopping we went back to his house, had dinner and then watched a movie. We had a couple of short kisses during the day, but once again he gave nothing away. He took me back to the motel and I invited him in, which he did. He looked around and we chatted and then he hugged me and we kissed again, he stopped it, said goodnight and left.

Sunday morning he picked me up from the motel (kiss good morning) and we took the dogs for a long walk around some pretty bays, we then took them to the dog wash as they were really muddy, it was great fun and we had a good laugh. Once again we held hands on the walk and it was nice. We then went for lunch in a café and then off to get him some bits for the house.We went bowling and played some arcade games and had a really fun time, laughing and joking - its a side he has not seen of me for a long time.

On the way to the airport I asked him (I know I shouldn’t have, but it was not really r talk) where did he see this going from here. He was surprised at the question and said that he hoped it was the start of rebuilding us, he asked how I felt the weekend had gone for me. I replied that I had felt a little strange at times but I expected that, I was happy with how it has gone but was a bit worried about how he felt about it all as he had not given me many clues. H confessed that he does feel physical attraction for me and everything he has been feeling over the past few months has been confirmed to him this weekend, but he is having a problem with the physical itself and he did not expect this and he wants to talk to his c about it to resolve it. He described it as: the thoughts of what he wants to do ie: kiss, touch and ML are there, but when he kissed me that first night he was overcome with guilt feelings; the one person he never wished to hurt ever he has caused intense pain to. He said it felt like he had no right to be kissing me or wanting anything from me. The holding my hand was ok, he felt comfortable with that, it was just the kissing bit. He said he wanted to take things further all weekend, but then these feelings wash over him.

Obviously this is something I cannot help him with. He said I have not caused this and that I have never laid any guilt upon him, it’s all self -imposed and he is confident that talking it through with his c will sort the issue.

In the meantime, he has asked me to go back in November for longer and to stay with him. We have planned a few things we want to do, one is to go to the hot pools. We did not talk any further than November, but we have established that we both want to try and make this work. He needs to have space and time to continue to work through everything, he also needs to GAL on his own, which he is beginning to do now. I need to have my space to process my own feelings on it all and keep moving forwards with my own GAL.

He complimented my dress and mentioned he feels I am too skinny now and need to look after myself better!!– I grabbed my belly and said “look there is a lot more on me than you think” to which he replied “that is not fat, that is your baby belly, it’s part of you so be proud of it”. He engaged in conversation, asked questions and listened. He talked a lot more than he used to and we laughed and were relaxed in each other’s company, I just hope the physical issue will get resolved at some point – for both of us.

So as for how do I feel and how am I doing. Well, there were a few weird moments and I had to stop myself from allowing my head to run away with the odd ow thought, a few triggers (a picture she bought him on his wall, a few references to places they went – he always said “I “ went here, but I know it was really a “we” went here) but I managed to let them go. The physical – not loving the beard, but accept he does so it’s staying. The “wham” of attraction was not there, it was more a gentle familiar, it does slightly worry me that I did not get the "Phwoar" but have put that down to having my guard up ready for the rejection. I have come home calm, happy to be home and in my own bed but also looking forward to seeing him next month and talking to him over the next few weeks. I have no idea how this is going to work, we live so far away from each other now. We just have to allow things to unfold and see where this new path takes us. One thing he did request is that I contact him more as he feels he is doing all the initiating and does not understand why – can I break nc now?

So that is it, my weekend. All in all, it went as well as it could have. I forgot at times that we have not seen each other for a year! I am trying hard to focus on the here and now, not the past and not the future. Chapter 5 is lurking around the corner and its promising to be a hot chapter !!

Having lunch with a g/friend tomorrow and then vacation is over and back to reality on Tuesday.

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Hi Lou, I'm glad you guys had a good weekend. It certainly sounds as though it went as well as it could have done, and you have broken the ice now in a good way.

I would still think it is an idea to keep things pretty light and make contact sometimes - not always wait for him to initiate. Equally, I would keep investing in your own life and making plans just as you have been.

As for longer term plans and living a ways apart. I wouldn't even 'go there' at this point. Your former R ended in a cataclysmic way, you are just starting to reconnect, which is great. But neither of you need the pressure of - where will we live? - at this point. Best to keep your focus on the new R that you may build together.

Also, as for possibly being intimate next time. Again, I think if you can have a mindset of - it may happen and it may not - that will be best. He or you may or may not feel like doing that next time and that is okay. Again, the less pressure the better I think.

I think things are heading in a good direction. But there are two things to bear in mind. One is ongoing contact with ex OW, even if just about practical issues. The other is possible ongoing crisis issues. For both of those reasons, I would keep your expectations at a low level. For now, you are just reconnecting and rebuilding a friendship towards possible R. Neither of you need to be 'all in' right now - there is plenty of time for that.

Glad you had a nice time my friend xx

Last edited by Sotto; 10/11/15 11:53 AM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Lou,
I agree w/Sotto. It's okay to contact him once in a while, but allow him to come to you. Also, I wouldn't answer the phone immediately every time he calls. Keep things light and just enjoy the time you spend w/him.

He's baking up nicely and he knows he still has some "issues" to resolve.

Overall, you had a pleasant weekend and the friendship is being rekindled slowly but surely, i.e., which is the best way to go. Both of you have changed during this time and you both have to begin as friends and learn about each other again. This is a brand new relationship and neither of you can bring the old relationship back to life.

Keep those expectations low and continue as you have been. Live your life for you and when he's baked, he'll do whatever is necessary to earn your trust and love once again.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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