Photoka's tread .....

[gonegrl]

Mahhty thank you. Your kind words make me feel better. Although I think I screwed up the second half of the night. I need my sleep! I truly love my H and if you could just see his face you would see what I mean, this man is so depressed.

He just a few minutes ago sent me a text saying "I am sorry."

I responded with " I forgive you. Please do something nice for yourself today, you are important. " I can't cure depression. And I can validate and empathize to a point, but at a certain point it feels really wrong to validate things that are just so not true and so destructive.

[gonegrl]

Mutatio, you are right, small steps. I expect too much. I hope you are doing well, hope the ice melts for both of us.

[Calibri]

Photoka,

Has your husband been evaluated by a psychiatrist? The reason I ask - your husbands behavior is similar to mine. I thought it was severe depression; but it turned out that he had triggered bipolar illness. This is not to say that your husband is mentally ill, but I wonder with the raging, and swinging moods, and the change of behavior if he might be experiencing something other than depression.

I've been where you are. My husband spewed. And spewed. It was the most hateful things anyone has ever said to me. I had ruined his relationship with his parents (my inlaws are exactly like yours - to a "t"), that I made him feel bad about himself, that it was always about me, and never about him. Topped off with a fantastic round of screaming at me, on our wedding anniversary to, "shut the [censored] up for once in your life so I can figure out if I can love you again." It was horrific. A year has passed, and I still hear those words that he screamed at me, echoing in my head late at night.

It isn't fair for you to live like this. Nor is it fair to your kids. And truthfully, it isn't fair to him either. No, you are not the enemy. However, you are the target in which he can deflect his emotions on. And they can hit the target (figuratively) if it isn't there. I think it's time for you both to evaluate a physical separation - because I do believe it will get worse. Being around his family may or may not help him heal. But if he's been with you guys and he's getting worse........

I wouldn't email his therapist unless your H has invited you to have a dialogue with his therapist. That's his safe haven. If you feel in fear for your safety or for his, then I would reach out to her, but be prepared for her not to do much, of anything, with you - due to confidentiality. I wager if you contact the therapist without H's approval, if will seem to him like it's, "always about you", again. You don't need to give him more ammunition.

I will tell you what my therapist told me a few weeks ago. Your husband is ill. (I don't know how ill, but it sounds like he's really, really ill.) You cannot fix him. You cannot make him want to be fixed. You cannot make him be healed at your pace. The reality is, he may not be able to heal himself. Some people lack the ability to proverbially pull themselves up by the bootstraps and deal with life. Sometimes people are too ill to do the work they need to do. Some times they don't want to do the work. The comfort of being a victim outweighs the fear of the unknown work of healing.


It's hard, photoka. It is. The last year of my life, with BD, the separation, my h's mental illness, my impending divorce? It damn near killed me. Literally and figuratively.
Let him go. Look out for yourself and your kids. Do not make his depression your depression. Do not fall victim to his illness. Its not uncommon for the spouses of depressed spouses to become depressed themselves. You cannot save him. Being at home will not fix him. You can however, save yourself. And I hope that you have the the strength to do it.

[gonegrl]

Calibri, thank you for your post. I am not quite ready yet for a separation, but I am close. I really believe his mother is keeping him sick, I know she is loving the attention he is giving her and loving being in the victim role. It is such a sick dynamic. Every year MIL hosts Thanksgiving. FIL has brought up several times over the last few months that they don't want to host. Last night at dinner I asked H "Is Thanksgiving at your parents again this year?" And he said "Why wouldn't it be?" I said "Your Dad was trying to come up with alternative plans, I thought maybe they wanted to do something different." And H snapped at me "Well its not my Dad's decision, its my Mom's party."
Said with anger that I can't really convey in writing. It is just such a difficult dynamic.

I forgot to add that H has been having nightmares as well, this is new. He wakes up with a yell, and then won't tell me what happened. Then he can't go back to sleep. There is something very wrong with him. And yet I still see "him" in there, that is the heart breaking part of it.

Also, I don't think H is bipolar, it seems like it is all depression. But maybe I am overlooking something? Prior to BD he slept about 4 hours a night, he works non stop, and was running 10 miles +, lifting weights, doing lots of long bike rides, just had non stop energy but I don't think that was mania or maybe it was? Now he sleeps 6-8 hours a night and pretty much just works all of the time.

I think I will need to let him go soon. Calibri, I will read up on your sitch. Thank you for your post.

[roist]

Sounds like burnout

[gonegrl]

And now to completely contradict myself. I am thinking, what if I just detach and continue DB'ing. I know I am not where I need to be with detachment. I can be the W who stays by her H while he is going through a major depression. I can detach and be loving and kind and set better boundaries to limit the spew. We were doing much better with the spew, it seems like he can do almost "No contact" or spew- maybe go back to no contact and let him work out his issues with his IC?

[gonegrl]

Calibri, I am reading your sitch. There are a lot of similarities. Some differences too, my H didn't change overnight, it was triggered over a long struggle with my D's anxiety issues. She had rejected him for an entire year and he couldn't take it anymore. I should have seen it coming, I did actually, but I didn't know what to do, was so busy taking care of D and trying to find help for her. It is very sad how little effective help there really is out there.

I haven't gotten too far into your sitch yet, will continue reading.

I do want to ask you. For my H SSRI's and cymbalta did not work. Any suggestions on meds? He is working with a family dr. but not a psychiatrist.

[beckyb]

I know from experience it is very hard to live with a clinically depressed person and not try to help them. If you can do it and continue to detach, I say it's worth a try as long as you are taking care of yourself. Living in that circumstance can be very difficult and draining.

I know my physical and emotional health suffered while I was trying to help my H.

If your H is clinically depressed and getting meds/proper treatment there is only so much progress you will be able to make in the M. As Calibri said, he may not be able to pull himself out of this.

[beckyb]

Photoka,

Effexor helped my H quite a bit. He's also on Lamactil for mood issues. No drugs completely took the depression away but he never wanted to the emotional work it takes. Drugs along usually don't cut it.

I recommend trying a psychiatrist.

[Calibri]

Hi Photoka,

Knowing what I know now, and didn't know then - it obviously was a long time coming for my H. But he had hidden it very well.

In regards to meds, (also knowing what I know now, and didn't know then) it really is a trial and error finding the right meds. I do know that certain AD's can make mental illnesses worse, as was the case with my H. One of the AD's he was on at the time after BD perpetuated his mania (which doesn't present in him as grandiose thoughts or risky behaviors, but rather severe irritability and rage). At first, I didn't think my H was bipolar, because it wasn't presenting in the way I was used to seeing it. But after really listening to what he was saying, and doing some research, he had all of the symptoms. It took me the better part of two months (from when I stopped updating my sitch - that's when it got extremely bad for him and for me) to talk to him in a manner that he found non confrontational, to get him to a psychiatrist, which led to his diagnosis of Bipolar I. I believe he didn't get diagnosed sooner, because he wasn't presenting the whole story to our family doctor, and his therapist, and that he was calling in asking for AD, rather than being seen in person. It was also worth mentioning that when he went to see the psychiatrist, he realized that something was severely wrong and wanted answers. To this day, I am furious with his therapist for seeing him on a weekly basis for NINE MONTHS and missing the Bipolar diagnosis.

So, I can't really say what will work and what won't, because it truly is unique to each individual. I know with AD's, there's some research that shows that if a family member responds well to an AD, that others will as well. I found this to be true as my mother and I responded well to the same AD, and not well to others.

I am a true believer that meds are only a piece of the puzzle. That they work best in conjunction with a fantastic therapist, a willingness to do the work, and self care. As I've learned, not every therapist is fantastic, nor do people always have a willingness to do the work.

PS - I do not, and am not insinuating that your H is bipolar. I'm just sharing from my experience, that sometimes it can be more than depression. I just know that I wouldn't wish it on anyone.