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Mona52 Offline OP
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Hi Ancaire, Thanks for stopping by.

I really wish my old threads were still on this forum, it would clear up my confusing sit smile

Long story short, when I first met my H, I was one of 3 women, in a department of 266 employees. It was work on a printing press and I was 20. I did not realize I was taking a job very few women did, but I did the job well and rose to assistant pressman quickly. So at the time, I was very strong and independent. I was also fun and carefree, and surrounded by men all day! (Gosh I miss it sometimes...)

Then we married and the kids came and I quit and stayed home with the kids. So I had no job, and he left me and moved to a different state with OW. They had a child.

I found this site the first night he left, and it was so hard, but I DB'ed for almost 3 years and he came back. That was about 8 years ago. Since then, there was a fire and the Divorce Buster's servers were fried and all my treads went up in smoke frown

In 2012, I knew we were on the rocks again, because I found inappropriate text messages and pictures to his online friends. I came back here, but did not really post. That is why it says I registered in 2012 wink

During the journey, I grew tremendously. Seriously, I can't imagine a time in my life where I will not be GAL and trying new things. But over the last few years, the more I moved forward,the further back he slid. I spend an hour with the kids, he spends 2 hours less with the kids. I earn $100 bux extra this week, he earns 200 bux less and spends $100.

It seemed no matter how hard I worked, he worked that much less so we never moved forward as a family. I work at a university, so he could go to college free for a BS if he wanted to. He kept saying he wanted to because his job was not giving him enough hours, and it was murder on his body and he was getting older. Year after year went by and he kept saying he was gonna try and did nothing.

Then he received a very large check. He promised me he would take care of some very important bills. He spent every penny, and went negative in our joint bank account. And he never told me he did not pay the bills, and one was to the IRS of course... I would not have cared of he did not pay the bills, that is not what cut me. What gave me the most pain was that he made a promise to me, and never lifted a finger to keep the promise. And it was not even important enough in his eyes to tell me.

He kept making promises, to me and the kids and over and over he would break them. And he knew he was breaking them, and it did not seem to matter.

To answer your question, I have no idea if he knows why I asked him to leave. He probably thinks it is about money...

I know he was happy when I did something good, but I also know, in the back of his mind, it made him feel smaller. And I was clueless on how to change that. So I stopped telling him when I did something good. But it didn't always work.

The kids would ask a question about their math homework, and without using my fingers, I gave them the answer. He did not even understand the question...

I know that made him feel bad. I tried to avoid this happening by helping the kids with homework in my bedroom, while he was in the kitchen, but then he complained that I called him stupid. I have never called him stupid, ever.

I do not know how, but I became the source of his shortcomings. My resentment that he refused to just TRY ANYTHING grew. He would stay up all night wit his online friends, come to bed at 5:30 am, and I got up at 6:00 am to get them ready for school.

I felt like I tried everything to make things better. Finally last November, I had enough. I was done with the M. Since then I have been building walls between me and him and mentally preparing for the day I leave or he leaves.

Finally I asked him to leave. And I am in terrible pain over my decision. I want him back more than I want air most days. But it is really only the marriage fantasy I want. It still hurts like h3ll though.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Had a roller coaster of a morning. The kids and I were out until after 10:00 pm last night, and we had fun. Then we were up at the crack of dawn this morning.

One 180 I am trying out is decorating the house. I like things that are functional, and I feel huge guilt if I buy frivolous things. So my walls are covered with things the kids made, not actual real decorations. But this is MY house now, and I am very much embarrassed as I look around. So I am going to try my hand at interior decorating smile. So I bought 2 paintings today. They are not the greatest, but they are pretty. I got home and realized I had no idea how to hang a painting. I know, that sounds so stupid. But we have plaster walls.

I think with drywall you have to find a stupid stud. But that is not true for plaster, right??? Well I have no idea... I was alone in my living room, and i was knocking everywhere trying to figure out where to put in a nail. Finally I just sat and cried.

I wont post here HOW i finally hung the paintings, because I am 100% sure it was wrong (screws, not nails might have been involved....) But the d@mn things are up and they look awesome! So pretty! I covered my sofa with a huge Pittsburgh Steelers blanket, and put some of those dollar air fresheners in there and I feel so good.

But it is bitter sweet, because there is no one to see how pretty it is. No, I did not do it for anyone but me, so no one else really needs to see it.

Then I did something very crazy for me. Being into computers, I have friends and coworkers who I have not ever met in real life. All around the globe. My 'avatar' on all of my profiles have always been some kind of clip art. Never a photo of me, anywhere. I have never felt OK posting my picture.

Today I posted a few pictures of me on facebook! I know they are all having a heart attack, and for some reason I was scared as anything doing this. I do not feel bad about how I look. It is the opposite. I never wanted anyone to know I was not some fat, pimply nerd. They posted back how surprised they were. And how pretty my picts were. I have not had anyone call me pretty since I booted him so it was amazing to hear.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,716
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Wow, Mona! You have had a roller coaster of a day!

I admit I know nothing about hanging pictures on plaster walls, but I would have googled it. Your description had me laughing.

Good job on the decorating!

So, you finally got brave and posted a real photo? That's wonderful! The fact that you got great feedback and shock? Even better!

Roller coaster or not, you did good, kiddo!


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Mona52 Offline OP
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My poor server upgrade failed at work today. I was so excited but it was not meant to be. I am going to rewrite some scripts and try again on Tuesday. Ugh... It was cool though because I learned a bit wink

Hy H got off work and was supposed to pick the kids up at 6:30. He came early, grrrrr. I was not supposed to be in the stupid house when he came, but since he was early, I was still mixing my (delicious) mashed potatoes. And this is where I get confused. I had zero desire to see him. I swear I think about him at least once a minute all through out my day. It is a constant nagging thought at the back of my mind.

But when the real H shows up, I just do not want anything to do with him. So I went to my room before my S left him in the house, and there I stayed until they all left. I heard him speaking to the kids, and his voice grated on my nerves. He made my son go change, and logically, he should have made my S change. My S was not ready even though my H told everyone to be ready.

I did not force my kids to get ready. It is way past time for H to feel just how hard it is to get them to get ready. So I completely ignored the fact that they were going and went about my day. So my S was dressed terribly for the movies.

So, I heard my H tell my S to get changed and I was so angry. It was illogical, but I am glad I was way up in my room, so I was angry in solitude And no one saw it.

I did not want H to call up for me or to talk to me, and thank goodness he did not. Then I remembered I left Divorce Remedy laying on the kitchen table because I was reading it while I was cooking and I freaked out a tiny bit. But at least it was not DB. DB is clear in what is inside the book DR could be a 'how-to get a D' book. I really dont think he thinks I want to save the M, so it is fine.

After they left I gathered my stuff and came into work. On the drive in, I was thinking how odd it is that I did not want to see or talk to him. His voice annoyed me, and I felt anger. In my dreams, he would come to me and apologize and he would work with me on fixing this mess. In my dreams he has already figured out how he can help the M and how I can help the M and he has a plan on how we can do it as a team.

That is clearly not the way he operates, and he never has. So where did this fantasy come from? Why do I ache all day for a text from him, that never comes, but not want to see him when he is there? Honest to God, I can't seem to make a decision about what I really want. How am I going to reach my goal if I have no idea what I want my goal to be?

Now I am stuck at work for hours. I told D 15 she could watch that stupid TV show with him tonight and I would be out of the house so they could watch as long as they wanted. I bought them a care package with all kinds of junk food so they would have an enjoyable evening together. All I really want to do is go home and tell him to get out.

I was pretty sure I had zero expectations when it came to him. He never calls or texts and I do not expect him to. But I think I really do have expectations of him, and did not realize it. I expect him to handle things in a specific way, and since he is not acting that way, I am stuck in this fantasy world.

I know the first step to get out of this is to absolutely decide one way or the other. Do I want him back, with all of his flaws, or do I have too much anger and should I just move on. I do not feel a desperate, certain way about either option. That is not true completely. If I ask myself if I want to save my M, my answer is maybe. If I ask myself if I would be upset if I had D papers today to sign, my answer would be no. I would not be completely upset if I had the D papers right now.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
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Mona52 Offline OP
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I had a great morning connecting with an old friend. It was like putting on a worn comfy sweater. We have not spoke in a long time, and we seemed to pick up right where we left off like no time had passed at all. He called me at the exact right moment too.

Ya know when you first wake up in the morning, there is that few bits of a second where you forget about anything bad, and you forget you are in the middle of a nightmare, then it all floods back. He called me during the flood and I was able to snap right out of it.

He was never fond of my H, but he always kept his feelings to himself. And even today, he did not bash my H like he could have. He just asked what happened and listened while I complained away. Then he switched the subject and made my life feel normal again for a few minutes.

I am so grateful to have a person listen and understand. I spend so much time with the kids I sometimes forget what it is like to have a real conversation with an adult.

He goes out of his way to speak about things he knows I am interested in. Like PC stuff smile

Now I need to dive back into my schoolwork. I was up late last night studying. My H told my D he could not watch the TV show with her, because he had to work today. That was a lie, but I was able come home earlier than I thought I would, so I settled into my schoolbooks last night and I got a little lost. Time to get lost again.

Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend! We should all plan a no wallowing weekend next weekend.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,693
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Hi Mona, just wanted to say hello. Sounds like you had a nice reunion. Friends are so important to one's mental health. I had a quiet weekend. Enjoy your day tomorrow.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Thanks mutatio,

Yep, I had a decent weekend. Last night I spent hours listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire audio book with my D15. We are both huge HP fans so it was lovely. I was crocheting a blanket and she was knitting a scarf.

I failed on a goal I had of clearing out as much clutter from the house as I wanted to. I was able to get rid of some stuff for trash night last night, but my goal was a minimum of 13 trash bags...We did half of that.

I am trying to get rid of everything I can. I would really love to move in a year, and when I move I want to take as little of our current junk with us. So it all has to go.

I might buy a TV for this living room today. Except... If i was unable to hang a stupid painting, how in the world will I attach a TV to my wall? I will have to think on this. I can see how I want my living room to look, but I just do not know HOW to do it.

Yet.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 144
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Many appliance stores have a service that provides for installation. ALSO (and this a 180 of mine) most of the big home improvement stores will take the time to explain in detail how to install these things. I did a lot around my house recently and I had NEVER used a power tool other than a drill (and that was merely as a screw driver) before. I did some major repairs and saved myself about 7K. True story.


Me 43
W 41
S6,D9,S15
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Thanks OG! There is a lot of things I want changed, fixed and installed, so it is good to hear you were able to climb that mountain, so I have a chance to do it too.

-=----------------------=---------------------=-------------

My interior decorating plans are being sabotaged. I have the most adorable, innocent, lovely, sweet, cute puppy in the world. She follows me from room to room, cries when I leave and refuses to sleep anywhere but in my room. It is actually my D16's dog. I am a cat person. But my D16 PROMISED she would take care of the puppy and did nothing, so I kinda inherited her.

When I walk out the door, this sweet little angel on earth has been tearing up my new plants all over the living room. I think the only reason my paintings are safe is because she cant reach them. The blanket gets pulled from the sofa, and I still have not found a way to keep her out of the trash. This has only started happening this last week.

I can hear you all saying "buy a create!" Yep, it looks like I might have to.

No news to report with H. After 5 days of NC by me, I sent him a text yesterday. I wanted to go out after work and I had no way to get my S to soccer practice. So my H said he would drive him.

But my brilliant son decided to save time by walking to H 's house? So my H could not find him when he got to my house. He searched every room, which is good. Because he had to have seen that I threw out a ton of junk. Anyway, my H actually called me and we spoke. It was weird to hear his voice, and I hung up the phone as fast as I could. His voice still grated on my nerves.

He never checked back to see if S was ever found, but I did not expect him to. I texted him at 11:00pm last night to tell him what happened, but he did not reply and I did not expect him to.

My M seems to be more hopeless every day. I am completely OK with not contacting him for a week or more. I feel real anger towards him, and I have been thinking what life would be like with husband number 2. Will he be blond? Will he know how to use a hammer? Does he have a house on the river?

Thoughts of a new R with a new person fill my spare time more than thoughts of fixing this M. That being said, I still think about and focus on my H way more than what is healthy.

I splurged yesterday and me and my D15 got our hair done. My H, and my 3 kids all get their hair done at a salon, but I have not had my hair done in a salon in 20 years. To be honest, I always got one of the kids to cut it, then I would fix it when they were done. Now my hair is layered and I look 10 years younger!

After the salon, I dropped my D15 off at the bowling alley with her friends, and she was asked out to the homecoming dance by a boy she really likes. He made her this huge poster that said something like, "Don't gutter at the dance, bowl a strike by going with me." and he made some kind of clay design thing on the poster. It was so cute.

While she was bowling I took D16 and S out to eat and we had so much fun, then, when we picked up D15 from the bowling alley, she had just started a new game, so me and the other 2 rented a lane and played ourselves. I laughed so hard!

I know I need to be focusing on some R goals. I know MWD likes 3 small attainable goals, things I can see some progress on in a week or two, things that are action goals, but I am not 100% sure what I want at the moment.

I had goals of him being in some sort of contact with the kids a few times a week. I'm forcing it, but so far it has been happening.

Now I need another goal that will show I am moving in the right direction. I think I want to try a bigger goal. I want to have one phone call, once a week, about the children, AND i want to find a way to not be angry or annoyed when I hear him. That is really 2 different goals, and that is good enough for now.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Posts: 569
I thought I was done, but I need to sort out a few more things. Every time I acknowledge my anger, and how annoyed I am, I fall into this pain for the next couple of hours. I get where the anger and annoyance is coming from, but I cannot understand the pain. Why do I want him to contact me? Seriously, I want someone who CANT go a day without talking to me. Not some loser who can go a week like it is nothing. Not someone who can go days without seeing his kids.
What kind of pathetic thing am i that I would want anything to do with him?

Last edited by Mona52; 10/06/15 01:29 PM.

Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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