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H and I are going out for our anniversary tonight. He asked me, he made the plans, so I am not pursuing. I am looking forward to it. I am feeling emotional, but I won't let that make me screw up. I got my hair done, have a cute new dress, and as Overcome keeps reminding me, I will try to smell good (LOL.)

Also, I am looking for upbeat, inspirational non fiction books to read. I am starting with Unbroken, any other ideas? I am thinking biographies, true stories that are action packed or uplifting, anything to expand my mind. Not fiction. I love fiction but I feel like I am getting dumb and want to learn something. Not self-help either, I have a whole self help library now!

Wish me luck on our dinner out, and please send me reading recommendations!
Thank you!



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Good luck.
I'm sure you'll look and smell great.

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Good luck. I pray it will be a positive evening and you will be able to keep your emotions in check. Have fun.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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We had a non eventful evening out. Back home now, getting kids to bed, I don't know what is in store for tonight. H held my hand in the parking lot walking into the restaurant. I could almost feel himself "working up to it". Every time I look at him I just see so much hurt and confusion on his face. It is so sad.

I am not sure if he is truly just screwed up and working out his issues, or if he really and truly hates my guts and is just staying and "trying" out of obligation and for the kids. There is no warmth, no connection. Just this stiff and forced and icy small talk. I am trying not to mind read, but it is so hard. He is still barely communicating with me. Actually, he is improving slightly, but its still not much. He did talk a little during dinner, and we had two "almost" conversations earlier today- very forced but not unpleasant.

Also, he is back to sleeping on the sofa with his cell phone again. Not a good sign. I don't know what to think. He says he isn't leaving, says he isn't talking to OW, says he is "trying" to love me again but "its not easy."

I bought as an anniversary gift the meditation book that I think Mutatio or Asitis recommended? I can't remember who. He really liked it, already read the first chapter. I asked him to consider meditating with S11 because he is having emotional issues, said maybe it could help both of them and also be a good father/son activity. H seemed to like that. I am really trying to be supportive of his emotional growth right now, as I think this is what its all about for him- healing from past hurts and pulling himself together right now. Trying to treat it as a "H" problem rather than a R problem so I don't end up talking about R or expecting too much. He really is going through something that has nothing to do with me (although he still blames me.)

You all know what I wish I could have for our anniversary. Maybe next anniversary.

Good night. Going to put these kids to bed and then making an attempt to get H drunk. LOL. I guess that would be pursuit? I am doing it anyway.



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I wish I had tuned into your thread earlier. For whatever reason this post spoke to me. You must be a remarkable person to go to these lengths for him. Your demonstration of compassion and empathy are admirable.

Good luck with the drinks!


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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You are still in the game. Sorry it was a rough night. The emotional connection can come, but you can't be feeling much emotional connection until the trust is re-built. Same with him. I'm glad he liked the meditation book. Hope it helps all of you.

You just care for yourself right now, and let him care for himself. You're probably getting sick of hearing it, but, patience. You don't know where this will end up any more than he does. Just focus on what is right here now, which is you and your kids and a broken M. You are doing all you can on fixing it, so don't worry about whether that will work or is enough. It is all you can do right now. What you do have some capacity to make a difference is caring for yourself as much as you can. You're doing pretty good on that score, so just keep that as your path.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Hi, I glad it went well. It seems that the evening played out the way one would have expected it. This is a good thing. Small steady steps forward are the way it needs to be done. This way the healing is effective and after all the turtle wins the race. Be well



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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Last night was traumatic. I put the kids to bed, and H was lying on our bed, half asleep. I asked him if he wanted to talk. He did. H told me how hopeless he feels about everything. I did an excellent job listening and validating. H fell asleep. I was disappointed because of course I was hoping for more, but I at least felt proud of being a good listener and the fact that he opened up to me.

He was asleep, I was in a cute nightie, so I decided I should get up and change into comfy pjs. He woke up while I was changing, got very upset with me for making him feel bad about no sex. Went off on me, lots of spew and negativity, not giving me any benefit of the doubt, just anger. Finally he calmed down and went back to sleep. He woke up at 2:30 am and did it again- spewing at me, telling me that he realizes he is just going to have to accept that he will never have the M he wants, that this is it, that I will never be there for him, that things will never be ok with his mother because of me and my cruelty. I just cried. This went on until about 4 am. I just cried the whole time. With every word that came out of his mouth it was just so obvious that he is extremely depressed.

Things are so twisted, so negative, so dark with him. And always about his mom. He said "My mom doesn't deserve to be demonized". WTF is he talking about? I haven't said a word about his mother in 7 months. Not one word.

I wasn't a very good DB'er at this point. I cried a lot, I told him he was looking at things through depression, and that was changing his perspective. I told him that I loved him and that he was making a choice to make me the enemy and to stay depressed and stuck. I told him he was throwing away my love and our marriage, and he jumped up and yelled at me "Why does it always have to be about you?" It was 2:30 in the morning!

I can't live like this. I am not the enemy. I did not destroy his mother's life. He is so messed up. I am not a mental health professional.

Would it be wrong for me to send an email to his therapist? I should probably just stay out of it and trust her to do her job, right? The depression is just so overwhelming, and there is only so much I can take. What do I do? Part of me wants to ask him to leave, but another part of me believes he is sick and needs to heal in the comfort of home and with his family around him.



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As, you are right, I am taking care of myself and my kids. Doing better with both of those things. I walked 3 miles this morning and juiced. Taking my S11 to counseling this afternoon, followed by an eye exam for D. I am trying to find ways- little and big- to connect with each child daily. I am drinking less wine and getting more sleep.



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Just wanted to tell you Im here, Im reading, Im listening, but I dont really have any advice for you. Just stay as strong as you can.

I wouldnt interfere with H and H's therapist. Thats not your ballgame.

Im not sure what you can do, but Im thinking of you and hoping for the best. I think your best bet is to stick with the plan you laid out for you and just keep working on it.

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