Dont stop posting. What Maximus is saying is that before you hit SUBMIT, read the post to yourself. You have a lot of questions that I bet you already know the answers to. A lot of hurts that youve already hurt.
Post away. But, make sure youre absorbing the responses.
I am fully awareThe part that I played in the demise of our marriage I do feel responsible for the fact that I did not give her the time that I should've I did not give her the love that I should of and for this I have nothing but regret.
I guess I am still at the point where in her mind it is over but I still do not want it to be over I'm still yet to accept it is over and I want to believe that there has to be some hope that there could be some possibility.
That we might find a way to reconcile our differences perhaps this is because we are getting along so well perhaps this is because we do things together perhaps it's because When I say to her I am worried and scared about the sale of the house that she turns round and says that we will deal with it when and IF it happens.
Do I think I stand any more chance of getting my marriage back honestly no I don't but I do have to try and I do have to reach the point where I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that I could do to try and save it to try make it better right now am I there I don't think so
How will I cope the day she tells me that she's going or the day that the house sells and she goes on her way ....how I don't know I just pray that between now and then I will find some strength.
Day by day .....how do I get myself to the point where I let go and accept it is over
Three months nearly four and I still cannot imagine her not being there I am crying uncontrollably this is not right surely.
How do I [censored] do this ....
Is this dropping the rope or is that something different
Please help me,to get through this
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
I am fully awareThe part that I played in the demise of our marriage I do feel responsible for the fact that I did not give her the time that I should've I did not give her the love that I should of and for this I have nothing but regret. OK. How about this. What do you think SHE contributed to the downfall of your marriage? You are not completely responsible. As for your regret, if you tried to build a house with no nails and it fell apart, would you blame yourself? You did what you thought was best. You didnt have the tools to realize the error in your ways. Now you know, and you can do better next time.
I guess I am still at the point where in her mind it is over but I still do not want it to be over I'm still yet to accept it is over and I want to believe that there has to be some hope that there could be some possibility. There is hope. She may change her mind SOMEDAY. But you cant live your life expecting that she does. Or waiting for it to happen. You cannot put YOUR life on hold waiting to be her backup plan.
That we might find a way to reconcile our differences perhaps this is because we are getting along so well perhaps this is because we do things together perhaps it's because When I say to her I am worried and scared about the sale of the house that she turns round and says that we will deal with it when and IF it happens. STOP LISTENING TO EVERY F'ING WORD SHE SAYS. STOP TELLING HER YOURE WORRIED. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW.
Do I think I stand any more chance of getting my marriage back honestly no I don't but I do have to try and I do have to reach the point where I can look at myself in the mirror and say that I did everything that I could do to try and save it to try make it better right now am I there I don't think so You already KNOW the path. You already know what you need to do. You just dont want to because it seems counterintuitive. What do you have to lose, right now?
How will I cope the day she tells me that she's going or the day that the house sells and she goes on her way ....how I don't know I just pray that between now and then I will find some strength. Ghost. Shes ALREADY gone. There is no "day". You cope by following the path laid out in front of you. You work on detaching. You get your own life. Yeah, it'll hurt....but it will hurt a lot less than anything that has already happened.
Day by day .....how do I get myself to the point where I let go and accept it is over
Three months nearly four and I still cannot imagine her not being there I am crying uncontrollably this is not right surely.
How do I [censored] do this ....
Is this dropping the rope or is that something different
Please help me,to get through this We ARE. We're leading you right to f'ing water, but we cannot make you drink. You have to actually do that by yourself. Theres really no more any of us can say to you that hasnt already been said. It's time to DO. IT.
Frank, but sensible. Ghost, let the house go. It's just bricks, you can buy another house one day. You need to repair you right now. Crying uncontrollably is not going to make her come back. Keep that to yourself.
Can you afford to move out? I think that your in house separation is doing you no good and your wife loads of good. Here's your W's perspective - I need something - where's ghost? I'll just whistle and he'll run to me like a puppy dog! My life is made. I can treat him like $hit and he keeps coming back for more. All the things he needs from me like sex and love, well, he can just wait for them.
Do you get what I'm saying here?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ghost. I agree, let the house go. I also want you to know- really know- that we are ALL going through this same pain. You are not alone. You are not weak for being heartbroken or overwhelmed. The guys are being tough on you- this is tough love. Their hearts are just as broken as yours. But we are all doing it, some better than others, but its really the only way. Take the advice you are getting here. Please, Ghost, it will still hurt no matter what you do, there is no easy way out of this.
Ghost. This is on my signature and it was what helped me see a way out, maybe it will help you.
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." ~UrWorthy
Maximus - I saved your post. Thank you for that.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I understand why huddy asked if you can afford to move out. I personally think you would be better getting W to move out. If you decide you need space to deal with this, you tell her in house separation is not working and she should leave. You will need to do this in a strong way.
I understand your reluctance to separate but you are struggling too much as it is. IMO.
Again today you have received a lot of advice and support.That is something truly amazing to come out of this.
Good luck and DO something with the advice given.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I can see from the last three months of being nice it has not drawn her closer to me I am not sure that she is any further away either
I don't see how that answers your question about if she's a WW or WAW. It simply means things are in limbo.
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So much of my problems comes from my thinking and I know that my thoughts create my feelings that create my experience
I agree. I also believe you can control a great deal of it.
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The trouble is it is also very difficult to control your thinking but then thoughts come and go as you can
Yes, it is difficult. However, I believe when we constantly go over and over the same things.....without disciplining ourself to stop, it can turn into something else. It can become obsession, feed our fears, etc. For example, how many times have you posted about your worry over selling the house? Every time, you talk as though this decision is entirely left up to your W and you are just sitting helplessly on the bylines. But my point is that you don't just refer to it, but almost say word for word each time. So, how can that be helpful in controlling your thought patterns if you persist in writing it over and over again? I'm no authority. It just seems that at some point, you would have to do something else to help yourself with these recurring thoughts. I don't know how to stop a thought from entering into my head, but that doesn't mean I have to allow it to linger around in there. We have to replace those bad thoughts with something else. Why not start changing it by refusing to write this all out about the house again? Have you tried it, to see how you feel after....say, a week?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
