Thursday I chaperoned my sons pre preschool field trip. Friday I chaperoned my daughters preschool field trip. Then took the kids to the circus with my folks. Laid low Saturday and spent 6 hrs at the country fair today.
I love those kids.
I'm wiped.
Mahhhty, I love this ^^^ I, like you, have been scarce around her as of late. I felt that the constant posting was holding me back from moving forward...feels kind of selfish, I know, but whatever.
I'm just rambling and just wanted to say hey. You've always supported me and I've always appreciated your perspective.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto - I couldn't agree more! The constant discussion prevented me from disconnecting. And sometimes the thought of posting felt daunting, perhaps in a way I didn't want to discuss it. I'm in a much better place with myself, understanding my needs and wants, then I was. I think taking a break helped me achieve that. I'll probably remain pretty erratic on here during the upcoming months.
That [censored] about Mediation starting last month. Been there. Very painful. This is how stupid I was. When she told me we were going to mediation I was relevied. "Finally we are going to work through our problems.," I said. Nope. Not that kind of mediation. Good luck!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
That [censored] about Mediation starting last month. Been there. Very painful. This is how stupid I was. When she told me we were going to mediation I was relevied. "Finally we are going to work through our problems.," I said. Nope. Not that kind of mediation. Good luck!
Actually, mediation was a breeze. We had a signed agreement in four hours.
Good luck to you as well! Keep up the paddling. I always enjoy catching up on your adventures.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Hey Mahhhty, I haven't been around here much either, read some posts a few times a week but haven't been posting.
I feel like you are still holding on to that last thread (this is totally a do as I say, not as I do btw :)). I think where you are right now in your R it is time for you to "drop the rope" completely. Maybe the letter you are composing will help you do that. I know my coach did give me some advice (prior to where we are now) on writing a letter and actually sending it. I think her disease has pulled you back in a little, which is understandable, but remember it is not your place to fix/help her. Try not to read too much in to her contact or lack there of, or anything else she does. You have no idea what is going on in her head.
I've said this before but you are a great dad & a great person. Your kids a lucky to have you in your life (and vice versa) and any woman you choose to have a R with in the future will be very lucky as well, including your X.
Are you planning on posting a draft of your letter before you send it?
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I haven't been posting all that much lately. I've been really withdrawn from the DB community, offering very little advice or support to people in the forums. I'm sorry for that. I've been trying to do more of the things I enjoy.
I understand the feeling. I went from posting 10 times a day to posting every 10 days... I just feel in a different place emotionally. Before, my sitch was burning me inside and it was all I could think and talk about (poor friends!). Now, I think about it a little every day, but I sense that I've gained back a lot of my life. and think about other stuff. It's normal, it's even a good sign of mental health. I keep coming though because I'm interested in the lives of brothers in arms like you and I hope you'll keep coming every now and then, as I will.
I thought about you a few times in the last few months, especially that you were working on a startup at the same time that you were going through D. I just don't know how you did it, especially knowing how much you hurt. I was just not able to work and only recently have I gotten back to speed, close to pre-D levels. I just want to say that I'm impressed by your will and energy.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hey Mahhhty, I haven't been around here much either, read some posts a few times a week but haven't been posting.
I feel like you are still holding on to that last thread (this is totally a do as I say, not as I do btw :)). I think where you are right now in your R it is time for you to "drop the rope" completely. Maybe the letter you are composing will help you do that. I know my coach did give me some advice (prior to where we are now) on writing a letter and actually sending it. I think her disease has pulled you back in a little, which is understandable, but remember it is not your place to fix/help her. Try not to read too much in to her contact or lack there of, or anything else she does. You have no idea what is going on in her head.
I've said this before but you are a great dad & a great person. Your kids a lucky to have you in your life (and vice versa) and any woman you choose to have a R with in the future will be very lucky as well, including your X.
Are you planning on posting a draft of your letter before you send it?
Honestly, I have no idea if I am still holding onto a thread or not. I don't start conversations. I don't contact or confront her. I am not involved with her unless it is about the kids. I am a nice guy. Unfortunately.
I am fully aware that she needs to live her life, and live with the decisions she has made. I'm trying not to interfere with that.
My kids..... I am the lucky one. If not for them. I would be in a different place. They are the best of me, and I am truly grateful for them.
Thanks Lost!!! I've missed our back and forth's the last couple months.
I'm going to post the letter soon-ish.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I understand the feeling. I went from posting 10 times a day to posting every 10 days... I just feel in a different place emotionally. Before, my sitch was burning me inside and it was all I could think and talk about (poor friends!). Now, I think about it a little every day, but I sense that I've gained back a lot of my life. and think about other stuff. It's normal, it's even a good sign of mental health. I keep coming though because I'm interested in the lives of brothers in arms like you and I hope you'll keep coming every now and then, as I will.
I thought about you a few times in the last few months, especially that you were working on a startup at the same time that you were going through D. I just don't know how you did it, especially knowing how much you hurt. I was just not able to work and only recently have I gotten back to speed, close to pre-D levels. I just want to say that I'm impressed by your will and energy.
It is weird... right? We go from being consumed with the situation to not wanting to be consumed. I think it is unique change within ourselves, probably associated with growth.
As for the startups.... How about a day job and two startups and part part time business.
A dream with no action will always remain a dream.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Alright Lost.. Here is the letter. In reading it, perhaps I haven't dropped the rope completely. I honestly don't know.
I had many other paragraphs in there about her piece of our demise, lack of communication, waywardness, etc. I removed all of this and kept it about me. I wonder if in doing so, am I giving her the ammunition to say "It was all your fault, I truly am a victim." And does that even matter?
Anyone, everyone, please feel free to comment. I am a big boy and can take any type of criticism.
XW,
A person who loves their spouse does not do anything unloving or unkind in manner, word or action. Love is what love does. I was oblivious to your pain and its depth, trivialized your perspective, and was consumed with distractions, hence withdrawn, amped up and overly critical.
As I am sure you felt, lying next to each other became the loneliest place in the world. I am sorry for those things and more.
Divorce is an individual problem. It cannot be generalized. Of course, for some there should never be a marriage. For others, divorce is no more a solution than marriage for a lonely person. For me, it is unfortunate that your actions, not your words, were the catalyst I needed for personal growth. I lost my way and myself. I focused on being a victim of circumstance in a situation I couldn’t change or control, rather than being in control of my happiness and my life. I felt entitled to happiness, and expected it to happen to me without work or effort. Obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. Animosity and fear were in my closet, both on an individual level and as a partner, preventing me from confronting our issues with empathy and compassion. I was constantly felt my solutions were the only way and the right way, I kept score, felt unappreciated, unloved and unwanted. My lack of compassion, empathy, and forgiveness imprisoned me in a physical and emotional rut, which was like a cloud of grey over me.
I fully acknowledge and understand that you were deeply hurt. After all a woman, who historically disliked changed, sought for the largest changes possible for a family. On some level I’m sure there are actions, stories, conversations, people and/or events that supported the belief that divorce was your key to happiness. I don’t know if I will ever fully understand your perspective or timeline. Your reasons are yours, it no longer matters what my opinion of these things may or may not be. You do not make me happy, sad or angry, those are my feelings to deal with. I’ve worked through that hurt at my own speed and in my own way.
Why this letter? Why now? I started this letter the night you moved out. I waited in an attempt to ensure that it found you at a time where it could be viewed as a compassionate letter from someone who cared deeply for you, and not as a ploy for anything but that.
I know what we shared. I need no validation or concurrence to know that we had something most only hope to find. We were better together than we could have been apart. We were puzzle pieces. It came so natural for me to love you since that crisp fall night. Being a partner, being a parent, being overly career oriented, and working through the toughest stage of the marriage map did not come natural to me. My intention was to know you everyday for the rest of your life, to give you the best of me everyday, and for you to be proud of your life and ours. I wanted to contribute to your happily ever after. Having a family. Writing a book. Going to Fiji. Anything and everything. Similarly, you were the only one I wanted to be a part of mine. These intentions were exploited by real life and real issues, which exemplified the lack of relationship skills necessary to nurture us through the toughest times.
It could be said that we know nothing of each other now, if not for the children we would have no relationship whatsoever. Certainly on some level that is true, which I find saddening.
My hope for you is that you live life to the fullest, love and trust with every fiber of your being, that you confront your fears, and laugh with your whole body each and every day… “Live as much as you can, because you need something to write about.”
Sincerely, mahhhty
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhhty, I love your letter. I actually learned something about my own sitch from reading it, you are a compassionate and loving man, thank you for sharing this. Are you going to give it to her?
I'll look it over too in a little while...but wanted to throw up a quick post to keep an eye out for my response. I'm still under restriction (longer than anyone I've ever seen on here) so it might not appear immediately.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
