Continue walking daily for no less than 2 miles a day.
You truly are in an awesome place Ancaire, your mindset is spot on and almost vet like.
You've put down two great goals, what's your third?
How about setting a timescale for when you will have a job? What about stating a purpose for the walks?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Great job Judy! I just started juicing, if you want to do that "with" me. I am choking down my first juice now. Hope you have a great Saturday and you do something positive for yourself.
Juicing...oh, my. Only when I can afford a Vita-Mix. I tried it with my Ninja and created warm sludge. Ick!
On a more somber note, things went backwards while I was gone this week. H was sleeping in our bed while I was away, but set up an air mattress in his office when I returned.
He will not look at me when we're talking...No eye contact at all. Suspicions are alerted on my end.
Today is Saturday. He told me he had a meeting with customers to go over changes in his company. This is a first. He left wearing shorts for this business meeting.
Perhaps not so coincidentally, OW owns a Farmer's Market. According to ads, they are having a HUGE estate/garage sale this weekend. I want so badly to go by there and catch him, but what would I gain? I already knew he couldn't be trusted, so I'd be setting up a bunch of very non-helpful drama.
This is uncomfortable, not unbearable. I'm going to sit back and let him really mess up. I was telling another DB'er that we often rush in to save people we love...but they never learn anything that way. He will never appreciate me the way I need to be appreciated until he learns what he's losing.
So, gritting my teeth and keeping the status quo.
It hits me...I AM becoming the anchor. How exciting!!!
Oh judy I want to be anchor. I messed up last night and v helped me a lot. I read your emotional flooding thread. I really need to work on lashing out at him. Wow I'm learning so many things I need to work on. I took her advice and a policed and he said he would try too... changes? Did I do ok?
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Yes, you did! An apology goes a long way towards mental health, too. If you know you did something wrong, learn from it, apologize, and move on.
Apologies are rough...but they contribute towards creating a stronger you.
I'm so proud of you! I was such a mess when I got here. I'm kind of amazed where I am now...but I was determined to not let this destroy me. My motto is that I'm not going through all this pain without getting something out of it! In my case, a journey of self-discovery towards a better me.
O, I messed up a bit last night too, H left the bed in the middle of the night and moved to the couch. With his phone. After a couple of hours (I couldn't go back to sleep) I snuck up on him to see if he was texting. He wasn't. I gave him a bit of an attitude, and then apologized. I am angry with myself. But I am human. I don't trust spouse's sleeping on the sofa with their phones. My anxiety is high today.
I need to be the anchor Judy! I was doing so well but had a big backslide this week.
I keep messing up, too. No one said this was easy. To be honest, I would have checked to see what H was up to, as well.
I just found out that H and kids are all out together. My suspicions were correct, but the reason was wrong. I find I'm incredibly hurt by this for some reason. The kids have always been close to their dad, but he's the one who screwed it all up...not me.
Taking deep breaths and attempting to see something good in this. So far, I'm not very successful.
It's ok, Ancaire. We ARE human and sometimes you'll take a few steps back before going forward again. Bring the focus back around to you and be kind to yourself today.
You're doing great! Look at how far you've come. Celebrate that alone. What are you doing today for yourself?
xoxo
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
You made me laugh! I'm sorry. You were being honest but it resonated so deeply with where I am that I laughed. I'm totally moping and trying to fight it every second. <3
Go, get out of the house. Come back and clean in a little bit.
I'm here with you.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I understand the hurt even though its a good thing- the kids shouldn't be taking sides and should have a relationship with their Dad. So it is good. But it still hurts.
My D14 is really upset with H, she really hates him. And trust me when I tell you that you don't want that either.
Hang in there, Judy, you are awesome. And about the juice, I have a vita mixer and it was still sludge. I think I might start with store bought juices and work my way up to home made. I watched the documentary Fat Sick and Nearly Dead and that motivated me. I am physically, emotionally, and any other way you can think of exhausted from this whole experience, and I need to go back to the basics- good nutrition, good sleep, regular exercise, church, friends, reading. Self care. I was burning myself out with GAL, so I am approaching it in a smarter way now
Lost - I don't blame you for laughing. It's kind of funny in a brutally honest kind of way. LOL
Photo - I'm very interested in that documentary. Where did you find it? I am fat, sick, and nearly dead...and want to resolve the situation asap.
WHAT??? What kind of way is that to talk about yourself? Goodness gracious, Ancaire! No pity party.
M 43 H 48 M 19y T 20y D 14 S 12 H returned home from out of country 8/8/15 BD 8/11/15 EA Began end of June/beginning of July 2015; ongoing PA H denies ILYBINILWY
I am fat, sick, and nearly dead...and want to resolve the situation asap.
I can help you fix this immediately, not a problem.
Just put a great big NOT right up in there after the word "am". Now read that out loud
Eat healthier and exercise if you want a healthier lifestyle, but no fixing these things ASAP. Nice slow and steady growth is the only way to help all three of those issues.
Backslides are normal. You are setting yourself up for failure if you expect zero backslides from yourself. You wont ruin everything by backsliding, even though it feels like it.
I think you should give yourself 30 more minutes to wallow, and make sure you wallow like no one has ever wallowed before! Then pick yourself up and do something for you. Anything, get a haircut, buy a flower, take a walk and sing only show tunes softly the whole time, lol. Anything that will make you smile just a tiny bit.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I just found out that H and kids are all out together. My suspicions were correct, but the reason was wrong. I find I'm incredibly hurt by this for some reason. The kids have always been close to their dad, but he's the one who screwed it all up...not me.
Your H was out with your kids and not as you seemed to think earlier out with OW and you are upset?
Your kids will eventually understand who was the baddy in all this, it'll take some time and is potentially one of the things you could discuss at Retrouvaille later this month.
You are right to have doubt about your husband's motives until he truly proves through consistent action what he is trying to achieve. Judging him and second guessing might end up pi$$ing him off and you'll be back to square one pretty quickly.
Relax, let things be for a while, allow life to happen there's a lot of positive at the moment so stop thinking it could all go wrong, PMA works, right?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
You both made me smile. You are also correct. Just one of those not so great kind of days I guess.
I have resolved NOT to discuss anything potentially upsetting with H until we begin counseling, and I plan to take it slowly even then. I'm in a much better place than I was this time last month. H is sleeping at home AND he talks to me. Not the way he used to, but better than nothing or fighting.
I'm content to let things settle a bit. I doubt I will get over being suspicious anytime soon, but I don't have to act on it.
This will take TIME. It's also a good time for me to be okay and comfortable with patience. I'll see if I can find anything online about developing that particular skill.
Might be a good idea to read up on what to do regarding someone who has just finished an affair.
Chapter 10, page 193 of the DR book is on infidelity and it's probably a good idea that you read it now, don't wait for the counselling. Now's the time to read up and maybe take a trip to the piecing forum here to see what experiences others have had and aware having. Getting your head around what to expect is going to start now, in some ways you've got the hardest part to come, so get your head into it.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Thank you, Avanti, for the excellent advice. H is back to denying anything happened at all again.
This came up just a minute ago when I asked him what we are doing. He said, "working on our marriage." I then asked if he'd broken it off with her, and he said there's nothing to break off.
After a bit of arguing, I realized I was breaking my own rule about waiting until MC, and let it go. He's going over to his friend's house tonight, and I am not welcome. I told him I was not ok with that, so he's going to have a talk with them and make sure they know we're working on M.
Still do not believe him, but it would behoove me to take a wait and see attitude.
This is so hard. Have to keep reminding myself why I'm even trying.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire I just found out that H and kids are all out together. My suspicions were correct, but the reason was wrong. I find I'm incredibly hurt by this for some reason. The kids have always been close to their dad, but he's the one who screwed it all up...not me.
Why did he say he was going to a business meeting if he was just going out with the kids?
Thank you, Avanti, for the excellent advice. H is back to denying anything happened at all again.
This came up just a minute ago when I asked him what we are doing. He said, "working on our marriage." I then asked if he'd broken it off with her, and he said there's nothing to break off.
After a bit of arguing, I realized I was breaking my own rule about waiting until MC, and let it go. He's going over to his friend's house tonight, and I am not welcome. I told him I was not ok with that, so he's going to have a talk with them and make sure they know we're working on M.
Still do not believe him, but it would behoove me to take a wait and see attitude.
This is so hard. Have to keep reminding myself why I'm even trying.
You're like a dog with a bone! Leave it and get over to the guys in piecing for guidance, they will all know exactly how you feel and be further ahead so can help you.
Not saying you are wrong you simply need to get the right advice rather than go off all cavalier. Part of the reason you got to the place you have with him is because of DB'ing and you didn't know what you needed to do at the beginning. Now you are at a different stage of play, get your head back into the DR book and start talking with those who can really help you. Many say that piecing is the hardest part so do the work that's required.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Ancaire, I am sorry you having a disappointing moment. Overall it seems like your going in the right direction. I sometimes feel creating am environment to effect change in my marriage is like trying to steer a drunken elephant with a feather.
Avanti, thank you for the 2 x 4! I have no idea why, but I was not very happy this weekend. I have been missing my daily walks. I'll start that up again in the morning. I really think they were extremely beneficial in my PMA, and that is one recent change I've made that I haven't had a chance to do lately.
I have been reading DR, the forums in piecing, and monitoring my breathing. That sounds funny, but when I'm upset my breathing changes, my mood with it, and never to a good frame of mind.
I realize how many positives are happening. H calls me. H is pleasant to me. H is excited about my goals. H is monitoring his reactions, too. That's a really good start considering where we were a month ago.
Message received. You are a wonderful advisor!
Mutatio, You had me rolling with your image of an elephant and a feather! Quite apt, I'd say. Thanks so much for dropping in!
Trying to get it all back together this week. I had a migraine Sunday, which was a shock because I haven't had to deal with that problem for years. Today, I'm weak, sore, and struggling to concentrate. I have so much I need to do, it's frustrating!
I need to sit down, make some lists, and prioritize. I'm not even sure which way is up today. Good thing H is out of town. I need some space to think.
Hopefully, Miss Positive will make a return by this evening.
Judy, hope you have a peaceful and healing day. Please take good care of yourself, get some rest emotionally and physically. Your journey is moving so quickly, I think its normal to have some bad days and the migraine could just be all of this crap catching up to you. Be well.
Take care Judy. You are experiencing a HIGH SPEED roller coaster. You have been moving fast. Following your lead has helped many of us- so take care and take some time for you:)
Beautifully said, Jpeg. We are all following your lead Judy. You are an inspiration to so many of us! Keep up the good work. Take care of yourself. We are all behind you!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Try lighting a few candles, putting on some soothing music, pouring a glass of wine and soak in a nice warm bath. If that doesn't change your mood at least you'll be so relaxed you won't care.
Hi! I'm okay...just have had so much to do the last couple of days I haven't had time to come check in. Tomorrow will likely be the same, but after that maybe I can breathe a little. I've been applying for jobs, scrubbing the house, keeping up with the 1001 things that happen on a daily basis.
I'm not feeling too well, which has me concerned. I'm all full of fluid - gained 10 pounds in 3 days, which should be impossible, unless circulation is poor. My skin hurts, all puffed out like it is. I'll see how tomorrow goes. This happens sometimes and usually resolves on its own, but it makes me feel exhausted.
H has been trying to contact me, but he's in a poor service area. The times he's been able to get a signal, I've been busy and didn't hear my phone. He should be home tomorrow. I'm really sad I keep missing him, since he made the effort to call and check in.
I've been reading DR again, and am starting fresh, with a beginner's mind. Since our situation has changed somewhat, I need to apply DB actions and take note of what gets the best results day to day. I don't trust H one bit, and need to find a way to manage that on my own.
My goal is to have a better marriage than we had before. I'm getting stronger and more independent, which is creating a new dynamic. I absolutely do not want to be controlled or manipulated, but H has been doing it for so long, it's kind of natural for him. I need to figure out a way to bring it to his attention when he starts without showing that I'm irritated. THAT is a challenge!
Continuing to work on being the best "me" I can be. I backslid a bit, but I'm back on track again. I'm really pleased, on a personal level, with the direction I'm going. I feel like for the first time in years, I'm really living. There's something I want to accomplish each day.
Thanks for checking in, my dear friends. I should be back to my usually chatty self in a few days.
Wishing you the best. Seems you are on the right track, pace yourself. Take care of your health! Can't get a new job, or DB if you are in the hospital.
Good luck Judy, we are pulling for you!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Hi all! Finally slowing down a bit. I was not well for a bit, but as usual so far, the situation resolved on its own. Just reinforced my current goal to get myself to being as physically healthy as I can be. Need to rewrite my actions to achieve my goal. I may start posting and updating those on my thread...not sure yet.
As far as H and I, the situation is strained. He's been out of town all week, and I've been as chipper as I can be when he calls, but everything is just surface talk. Today, we had a talk that went a bit deeper, but I cut it off. He admitted he still speaks with his "friend", but that's it. Talking. To the same woman who helped him decide we should get D. Dropping it for now, and waiting for MC. He says I'm misunderstanding the situation. I asked him to clear it up for me, and he said he would on Sunday when he's home.
I told him I would make a list of alarming statements he's made, and we could discuss what he feels comfortable discussing, and wait for MC on topics that he wants to wait on. Appointment isn't until end of October, so that's going to be a long wait.
He also informed me that there is a pool tournament on the same weekend we're to attend Retrouaville...nothing like having your priorities in order! He did say today he doesn't have to play in tournament, so another topic for Sunday.
I just feel like he's doing all this "working on it" in order to tell kids he tried. I don't sense any real commitment. It's probably too soon to tell, in any case. We really both screwed up this M. I don't feel any "in love" feelings for him, either, at this point. I'm in it for our family. Have to keep reminding myself of that...I'd selfishly rather take the money and run! LOL
I have to keep rereading DR, or I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. We're not really piecing yet...more like a temporary truce. I hate this! I want to be loved and appreciated. I know things take TIME, it's just hard to remember that in the moment. It would be so much easier to find someone new....that's the temptation. But then I think of our children, and how sad they are, and I am reminded to soldier on.
What a mess!
Back to the last of the house scrubbing and looking for a job.
You got this Judy. But, it's up to you if you want the R or not. Don't do it because you feel pressured. Do it because you want to, and it makes you happy.
Your a great person, and deserve happiness. Never forget that
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
D - It's got so much to do with my beliefs. I believe when we brought children into this world, we made an unspoken commitment to keep their family together. My parents D when I was an adult, after they'd been married 34 years! My dad had moved on to someone else. That pain, from the D, lives in me today. I would never willingly cause my children the same pain. I thought H felt the same way, but he was willing to leave me and move on.
We haven't said anything about working on it to the kids, in case we can't fix it, so they are still in a lot of pain. I truly resent H for that. How could he?
I'm putting pressure on myself because, darn it, it matters! Every holiday screwed up, family history buried, and faith in marriage destroyed for the kids. I just adamantly do not want to be the cause of this. I know you feel the same, from things you've said.
I know I once loved my H with all I had (hard to remember, now.) Wiser people than I have said R' s can be repaired...I'm really hoping it's true. All the "me" work has certainly been very helpful on a personal level. I guess maybe I'm burned out and tired of it all at the moment.
You do need to let go and let be for a while, you are trying to do too much, too quickly and that can mean you end up doing nothing of any consequence or even create damage.
Chill and be at peace with yourself, even if it's only for five minutes.
Does that feel better?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
And give yourself permission to have regular 5 minute "you" breaks, not just one offs
The 5 minutes spent focussing on you will more than be made up for by the new energised more effective and efficient you.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Ancaire, I just wanted to say hi and let you know your doing fine work. Avanti has prescribed a healthy remedy for what ails you.
It seems to me that it takes time for natural organic change to occur between two people when things are in flux. After creating the new environmental/emotional conditions persons need time to adapt. You have adapted to his and he now must to yours. This takes time and as you know a watched pot never boils. I think "watching" creates stress and you don't need that.
Hi Ancaire, on the five minutes of nothing theme, I have found the calm app helpful. You can set it to 2,5,10 etc minutes for a guided meditation with background noise of rain on leaves, seashore and so on. It was free, but there are other packs you can unlock within the app for a price. I haven't done that though..
Hope this helps xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, guys! Sotto, I have the Calm app, but haven't used it...Thanks for reminding me! Perfect solution.
Mutatio, until you pointed it out, I wasn't even aware I was doing it...I AM watching H! When did that happen?!?
I obviously have some expectations I think H should be meeting, and am disappointed that he's not. I did not realize that. I need to remind myself, no expectations...just let it be. Wow.
I realized I have no "in love" feelings for H either - just know I do care, but I'm really disappointed in what he allowed himself to become...probably the same way he feels about me. The sheer amount of work to be done looks immense. One day at a time, right?
I need to return to worrying only about me. I have lots I still want/need to do.
As always, thanks for the excellent advice. Where would I be without you guys? So thankful I don't have to know.
You should not worry about yourself. Worrying's best friend is anxiety and they go everywhere together.
You should focus your energy on the evolution of Ancaire. She is so worth it. Your husband will adapt or become extinct. Either way you will thrive and flourish.
I know for sure I can become even better. I realize now that I gave up on me long ago. I still don't appreciate the way my world was rocked, but am so completely grateful for the chance to really focus on me. It always seemed so selfish before...and look what it cost me by not doing anything.
Well, tonight is officially the worst night since all of this began. H and I had a talk. He confirmed I was right about the A, but wrong about the A partner. Apparently, it was quite intense and he is still suffering from the loss. He officially broke it off a week and a half ago.
I suspected, even knew on some level, but finding out for sure...I am slayed. I asked very few questions because I intend to put it behind us. He made me quite angry when he said the only reason he did it was because in his mind our M was over. I asked him if he was seriously going to justify the whole thing to me like that. He said all we were missing was a piece of paper from making it true.
I, of course, disagreed with that - but was able to let it go. Now, I'm going to have to be nice and patient with him while he recovers from the loss of his "true luv" while I am still his wife! I know all of us here have thought this more than once, but this entire situation stinks!!!
He left me. He's been assassinating me to anyone who would listen to him for several years now. He hurt our kids, our extended family, and mutual friends when he decided he'd be "happy" if only he could get rid of me.
Now, I have to forgive all that and let it go?!? I'm struggling tonight. I want to kick him out on his butt for doing this; but, he broke it off, he agreed to MC, and he's willing to give us a chance. He says he still cares about me. I wonder if that's enough?
I am aware I am feeling raw, and should not make any decisions while in this frame of mind. That's why I'm venting here. I am so hurt tonight...worse than at BD. The only thing different is the knowledge in my head and my commitment to my commitment. He doesn't want to let the kids know we're working on it in case it doesn't work out. I know they're confused right now....after all the divorce talk, nothing much is happening. At least now I know why he was so quick to file papers.
How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? My stomach turns at the very thought. He admitted if I'd done the same, he wouldn't be able to forgive me - it would be over.
So, I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? He still brings up things I did that got us in trouble. I told him I was trying to lead by example - if I can forgive him, he needs to forgive me. In his opinion, my crime of being depressed and withdrawing from the world for years is far worse. I seriously am confused.
My problem is chemically based and complicated by lifestyle choices. HIS was a choice, period. I'm going to need to pray for hours - and I'm not even sure that is going to work.
On the plus side....we're still going to Retrouvaille at the end of the month, and we have our first MC session at the end of the month, too. If I can somehow find the strength to STFU and stay in the same room with him until then, we might have a fighting chance.
My patience is nearing its' end, though. He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years. I am not putting up with that for even one more second. I don't know, guys...I just don't know. We have such a mountain to climb from here.
Please, comment - hit me with a 2x4 if needed. I need some support tonight...I'm going out of my mind.
So sorry. When my H's A was confirmed it was the worst day of m3life. Be kind to yourself. These are all new, normal emotions to process.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Running away is an option but the emotions would just follow you unfortunately.
The thing is, the reality isn't any different than it was yesterday. The reality is you H had and affair as you suspected. He broke it off and he is willing to work on the marriage.
Continue to process your emotions with your counselors and continue to draw the boundaries you need to draw.
I am praying right now for you to have peace and wisdom.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Hi Ancaire, I am so sorry for your pain. When my wife's affair was discovered in '08 she agreed to end it. She took 3 months to wean herself from the other man. I remember watching her laying on the bed in the fetal position crying and depressed. So besides my wife cheating on me I had to live with her going through withdrawal. I never told anyone about that, the pain she gave me after the fact. It hurt like hell. I know your pain and I am so sorry your experiencing it.
You said: How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? My stomach turns at the very thought. He admitted if I'd done the same, he wouldn't be able to forgive me - it would be over.
Take it day by day. Your in no condition to think about that with the emotional trauma you have just experienced. If and when your ready you'll know. If your not ready it may lead to bitterness and resentment. I call male bovine solid waste on your husband proclamation. I said all those things to myself before my wife had her affair. You don't what you'll feel until it's in your face
You said: I'm supposed to be the forgiving one?
You can only do what you think is right. Own you stuff and he owns his. I do not in anyway think your medical issues equate to and affair. For the marriage to move forward you both have to forgive each other.
You said: My patience is nearing its' end, though. He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years. I am not putting up with that for even one more second. I don't know, guys...I just don't know. We have such a mountain to climb from here.
Your assessment of his behavior and your patience is most probably correct and you shouldn't put up with it. The question is what do you want? It may take time for you to digest all this and have a clear idea. I think your in emotional shock and should not make any big decisions for quite a while.
Just hang on and go day by day and it will get better slowly. What is your husband doing to improve himself? Is he going to IC? I hope he isn't throwing all this on you.That would be the height of deflection.
Thank you, Mutatio. I needed those kind words of wisdom tonight. I'm fighting off depression as best I can...but it's a struggle right now. I have had way too many thoughts tonight about just ending it all. That's the real struggle with a chemical imbalance. One part of me knows what is happening and why - but another part keeps shouting out the sane voice.
It really is one thing to think you know, and another completely to hear from H' s own mouth the bitter, ugly truth. The kids blame me. H blames me. I blame me
It all just seems too much...the depression, the health problems, the angry family. I think I'll just keep posting all night. It'll keep me busy so I can't think too much.
Judy, I am so sorry for your pain. There is nothing I can say that can alleviate your pain, just know you can vent to me anytime and I am praying for you. You are one of the strongest people I know.
Letting go of the hurt and trying to find forgiveness is going to be a journey. The only thing I can say is that it's a journey you'll have to take whether you stay together or not. Despite the fact my M is lost I had to (and still am) work through a lot of pain and anger in light of the betrayal.
After all, what is more violating than having someone break their vows and be intimate with someone else, having them take the place of their W?
All I can offer is one though comforting thought...there is something even more intimate. Being his W throughout. OW can offer seduction. Only you can stay by his side as he nearly destroys his life. OW can offer a fun night. Only you can be his lifelong partner. OW can go through good times with him. Only you can go through bad times with him. And only you would...that builds a trust and connection so deep, nothing can compare. It would be like if another woman took your kids away and spoiled them rotten for a few days. They may like her for the moment, but you are their mom, and nothing can compete with that.
To end on a humorous note it reminds me of a pool story. I got beat in the finals of a tournament by this young up and comer a number of years ago. I was the heavy favorite. He was the dark horse. He won, and it was his biggest moment. I was happy for him. But then he started getting really cocky. Way out of line. Talking a little too disrespectfully. So I hit him with this line that hit the nail on the head. I said: "You're so pumped because you beat me, but look, in your entire life your biggest win is that you beat me once. Me? I AM ME."
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I know your depression is adding another layer to this. I know you feel hopeless, like it will never get better. You feel like there are too many things piles on top of you. You probably also know that it will pass.
Hang on tonight and call your counselor or doctor tomorrow. This is not something you can/should process on your own.
In my darkest hour my sister gave me this verse from Lamentations.
Hear my cry O God Listen to my prayer From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint Lead me to the rock that is higher than I For you have been my refuge A strong tower against the enemy.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Your words of comfort are on point! You're right...I probably am the only person in the world who cares about this man enough to help him through the biggest screw-ups of his life. I know he thinks I'm never going to get over it, and our M is done. Isn't he in for a surprise? I am getting it together chatting with everyone tonight. Thank God!
I do love my family enough to give it my best. I feel like I owe them that for the years that went by when I absolutely was NOT giving it my best. Depression is rough...I really don't want to go back down that road. The cost is just too high...
Yes! Read the scriptures and listen to Christian music ad much as possible. Fill your head and heart with it. God will bring it to mind at the right time. It's not enough to stop negative thoughts. You must replace them with positive things.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier Judy. But your H is still there and willing to try. I would give anything for that. I have heard Retrovaille is excellent for communication. So maybe that weekend can begin a healing process.
Ancaire, so sorry to hear that your fears were confirmed. I know that it must be horrible, but at least you don't have to wonder anymore. I know it's a small consolation, but it's a form of closure maybe? I'm glad that H wants to work on it and go to mc. I wish you the best, and I know that you will do great!
Good luck
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I had to ask H a few relevant questions, because I never want to discuss it again after today. Things like,
(Me) "Were you smart enough to wear a condom?" (Such fun that question was.) (H) Answer, "No."
(Me) "How old was she?" (H) "38."
So not only STD' s to worry about, but possible pregnancy, too. Not one finger will be laid on me until after he gets tested. Not really worried about it at the moment, because I'd really rather see him dead, but I know that will change.
(Me) "Are you mad at me because you had to break it off?" (H) "Yes."
(Me) "Well, why did you break it off, then?" (H) "Because it was going to cost me a fortune once you and your lawyer were through with me."
Seriously? Not only am I Option B, but I'm a blackmailer now, too?
Honestly, I was back in the same state I was in earlier. Just wanting to disappear/die. I prayed for hours, asking why. Finally, some insight came to me.
God still hasn't given me permission to walk away. I guess I'm supposed to stay right here and fight. The insight (certainly not my own) was that H is a grown man. If he were really done, no amount of blackmailing on my part would make him stay, break off the A, and agree to both the MC and Retrouaville. Some part of him is aware he is screwing up big-time. He just finds it convenient to blame me, I guess. I do not like it at all. At this moment, I only have my principles and integrity to help me stay put.
Should I be glad he's answering my questions honestly? I don't know what to think. The impulse to divorce his butt is so strong right now. It's hard being obedient to what I know I should do, versus what I desperately want to do. I realize now, finally, that there is very little of this entire mess that is about me. My H is screwed up! There is nothing I did that could justify this treatment. I did have issues, but a truly committed spouse would have dealt with it. I guess mine just doesn't have what it takes.
So, I, broken as I am, am going to have to be the strong one. What did I ever do to deserve this? The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. My eyes are burning so badly from the buckets and buckets I've cried tonight. My heart actually hurts!
My H is a rotten, no-good creep...and I have to forgive him. If OW winds up pregnant, I will perform his vasectomy myself...with him tied down and screaming.
Ancaire, you are going through some tough times and I really feel for you.
Consider this key Sandi2 rule that hasn't changed and then apply it to what your experiencing in your sitch - do not believe 100% of what he says and only 50% of what he does and that 50% is the positive stuff.
To crudely summarise your sitch, your H has ended it with the OW and is with you, plus he's said a whole lot of things. If you saw someone on this forum posting something like that (but using more words of course), what would you say to them? What would you point them towards as to what should be their focus?
You are going to have to face some (a lot of) pain and anguish as you move forward, many say that the part of the R you are in at the moment is the hardest.
You are angry and you have every right to feel that way, this then possibly vacillates through despair and maybe a touch of optimism at times. It is completely normal.
What your H has been through can't change because it is in the past, what can change is how the future unfolds and how you do that is by focussing on the present.
You are in some ways back in your grief cycle and this time it has actual detail rather than what you had speculated, that's what makes it so tough.
Be conscious of how you feel, don't fight it, but don't let your feelings do the talking, put your DB head back on and formulate a plan for how you are going to cope with the next few weeks, between now and the MC and Retrouvaille, then stick to it. By drawing up the plan your goals will then appear and so you have something to focus on when your emotions are giving you a very rough ride.
Forgiveness is a tough thing and only you can work out whether to get to that point, but know this, the reason for forgiving is for you, not your H so it isn't you "giving in", it's you helping you to heal.
Keep on posting Ancaire as it is your outlet for all the pent up angst and anger that may otherwise being directed toward your H and then you might inadvertently derail things. If you feel at any time the conversation is getting out of hand or is going into areas you do not feel comfortable with at this time, walk away.
Maintain your boundaries and know that this is a phase in your R and that you are the one who can determine where things end up, having a plan and goals will help you to make sure you get it.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Avanti...one day I hope I am as wise as you. I'll keep working on me until I am.
It's 3 in the morning, I'm wide awake, and can't stand to be in this house another minute. I think I'm going to go get a hotel and sleep tomorrow away. Never mind that I have things to do...I won't get anything done with this mindset.
My one worry is that H will think I'm giving up. I need breathing room. I guess I'll text him and let him know I'll be back. He doesn't deserve the consideration, but I suppose I should.
I think you were trying to say not to buy into the BS coming out of his mouth about the blackmail, and instead focus on what he's doing? I actually find comfort in that...except that is what he is telling his friends. I'll never be able to show my face again.
Ancaire, thank you for your praise. Someone who is wise learns from the mistakes they and others make, you are a long way past me in many respects as you always manage to say something inspiring to me. Committing fully to DB'ing makes you wise, keep at it.
Sleep is a challenge for me too. I am thankful it only illudes me in phases.
You are probably allowing thoughts to go round in your head and are building mental monsters that are keeping you awake. You experienced that kind of thinking before, what did you do to combat it?
If you are going to spend some time away, tell him directly if you can, a text is not the way to convey such a decision. No matter how you write the text it could always be misinterpreted, the written word is a dangerous thing.
If you put it in the context of "it is something for both of us as we both need some space to think and I will be back on..." he'll probably be OK with it as us men do love to be in a cave on our own to think.
Spend the time away wisely, getting some sleep for starters, plus allowing yourself to think through what you actually want from your M should you decide to continue the work to make it recover. Write those things down. What would the ideal marriage be to you? Write it down, you are forming your next set of goals and it's important.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
All settled in my hotel until Tuesday. I brought DR, Bible, and journal. After I sleep off my "cry" headache, I'll be ready to put some thought into things and make plans. Guess I should text H now and let him know I'll be back. Don't really want to...but know I should.
Well, I was in the hotel before I saw your suggestion. I'm paraphrasing you a bit. So far I've got: "Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not at home. I think it's best for both of us to have a bit of space to think. I'm fine, and will be home Tuesday."
What do you think? OK to send? I know H is not even awake yet.
Amended the text to say, "I should have spoken with you before I left. I just didn't want to wake you again. I thought we could both use some space to clear our heads a bit. I'll be home Tuesday. Please don't think this means anything other than what it is...just some breathing room."
Ancaire- I think it is positive that he answered your questions honestly. For me the truth goes down so much easier than lies and deception, no matter how ugly or painful- the truth is what will allow you to heal and move forward - hopefully together!
Thanksgiving was "not painful" I hosted H family at our home Sat night (without H) that was really nice and good for the kids too. We use to host many family holiday meals in our home and for the past year I have done nothing so it was nice to have candles burning and decorations and laughter again- almost wish H could have been looking through the window to see the life he is turning his back on- then last night we went to my brothers for dinner with my side of family - bigger crowd 40 ish lost of cousins for my kids they had good time
I am just so mad at myself. I should have been more active in things he likes to do. I love talking to people...I could have kept myself entertained.
Lesson learned...
Ancaire, supporting your guy is a great thing to do, I firmly believe in it. I sat on a lot of bleachers while STBX played softball, attended a lot of things I called "wife events" because my job was to look nice and make small talk, listened to his band, etc., etc., etc. But it didn't change to outcome of my M, and may or may not have made any difference to yours. I go down the path with my IC on this all the time, if I had done this, if I had done that, my life would be different now. She reminds me that I don't know that, the outcome may have been the same regardless. So, yes, support your H where you can, be there for him, but don't beat yourself up over what you can't change.
Amended the text to say, "I should have spoken with you before I left. I just didn't want to wake you again. I thought we could both use some space to clear our heads a bit. I'll be home Tuesday. Please don't think this means anything other than what it is...just some breathing room."
The text looks good, go with it, if you haven't already.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hey Az! Just start reading from Page 6...I was doing kind of ok up to that point.
I don't know what a TED talk is...suppose I shall go Googling.
From wikipedia: TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) is a global set of conferences run under the slogan "Ideas Worth Spreading". Since June 2006, the talks have been offered for free viewing online through TED.com. As of February 2015, over 1,900 talks are freely available on the website.
They are basically talks about ideas from field experts. Theres a great wealth of information. There are several Id recommend:
But Im sure there are many many more good ones.
Last edited by Cristy; 10/28/1509:20 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other author/speakers
Ancaire, I think staying in a hotel for a couple of days is a great idea. It sounds like you are doing a good job taking care of your self through this hell of an experience, and I am glad to hear it. You have been so positive and strong, its ok to break down and cry sometimes, you need to let it out sometimes.
You are one of the strongest people I "know"- look at how much you've dealt with in such a short amount of time and you have already learned so much.
Wish I could show up with some dinner and a bottle of wine and we could have a good cry and girl talk, but know that you are loved and supported and you are in my prayers.
Have just watched the Esther Perel talk and it is very engaging, thank you for the pointer Azzork.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
To be clear, these were all recommended to me by the good people on this board - I believe 25years and Sotto. Im just passing along the info, because I think they are all very good.
Last edited by Cristy; 10/28/1509:21 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other authors/speakers
OK. I have no idea what others have posted. I didnt read through it all yet. Just got to this post, and figured Id add some thoughts.
Well, tonight is officially the worst night since all of this began. H and I had a talk. He confirmed I was right about the A, but wrong about the A partner. Apparently, it was quite intense and he is still suffering from the loss. He officially broke it off a week and a half ago. He SAID he broke it off? Or he showed you evidence?
I suspected, even knew on some level, but finding out for sure...I am slayed. I asked very few questions because I intend to put it behind us. He made me quite angry when he said the only reason he did it was because in his mind our M was over. I asked him if he was seriously going to justify the whole thing to me like that. He said all we were missing was a piece of paper from making it true. Watch the TED talk. There are a lot of good questions in there that you should focus on. But try not to get too angry. If you aksed him why he did it, what could he say that would NOT get you angry?
I, of course, disagreed with that - but was able to let it go. Now, I'm going to have to be nice and patient with him while he recovers from the loss of his "true luv" while I am still his wife! I know all of us here have thought this more than once, but this entire situation stinks!!! It does stink. But it is what it is. If his dog died, you would still hurt for him even if you hate the stupid thing, right?
He left me. He's been assassinating me to anyone who would listen to him for several years now. He hurt our kids, our extended family, and mutual friends when he decided he'd be "happy" if only he could get rid of me. This is why you dont just take him back because he says he wants back. He doesnt just get to come and go as h pleases. Otherwise, he's just going to go again! So, while you should be kind, and patient, and forgiving, you also need to set boundaries so that you dont get walked over.
Now, I have to forgive all that and let it go?!? I'm struggling tonight. I want to kick him out on his butt for doing this; but, he broke it off, he agreed to MC, and he's willing to give us a chance. He says he still cares about me. I wonder if that's enough? You dont have to forgive it TODAY. It's a process. Let time do its thing.
I am aware I am feeling raw, and should not make any decisions while in this frame of mind. That's why I'm venting here. I am so hurt tonight...worse than at BD. The only thing different is the knowledge in my head and my commitment to my commitment. He doesn't want to let the kids know we're working on it in case it doesn't work out. I know they're confused right now....after all the divorce talk, nothing much is happening. At least now I know why he was so quick to file papers. It does hurt. And there is no guarantee that either of you gets over this. But, at least you are taking step 1. Dont worry about step 20 until you get there.
How am I ever supposed to let him touch me again? My stomach turns at the very thought. He admitted if I'd done the same, he wouldn't be able to forgive me - it would be over. Thats easy to say. Im sure you thought the same until he left, right? I know I did.
As for letting him touch you, you dont have to until youre ready. Again, let time do its work.
So, I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? He still brings up things I did that got us in trouble. I told him I was trying to lead by example - if I can forgive him, he needs to forgive me. In his opinion, my crime of being depressed and withdrawing from the world for years is far worse. I seriously am confused. You guys are both going to need to stop focusing on the past. Lose the score cards. There is no who is worse, who needs to change more, etc. You will need to grow together. You can do it!
My problem is chemically based and complicated by lifestyle choices. HIS was a choice, period. I'm going to need to pray for hours - and I'm not even sure that is going to work. Same as above. You have to stop keeping score.
On the plus side....we're still going to Retrouvaille at the end of the month, and we have our first MC session at the end of the month, too. If I can somehow find the strength to STFU and stay in the same room with him until then, we might have a fighting chance. Just like before, take a single step. Stay in the room for 5 minutes. Have a single good conversation. Dont expect things to be perfect right away. Have you made a list of signposts that you might expect as signs of progress? You can do this for your reactions and his actions.
My patience is nearing its' end, though. He's been a controlling, abusive, butthead for years. I am not putting up with that for even one more second. I don't know, guys...I just don't know. We have such a mountain to climb from here. Again, dont expect it to all happen at once. It wont, and you will fail. Step by step. Thats how you climb a mountain. Dont worry about how you will take step 1073 until after youve taken step 1072.
Im guessing most of that was already said to you, but those are my takes
Az...such good points you've made. I was battling mightily last night with the Monster Depression, so many of the posts were less "how to" and more "we care". I needed it desperately. The people on this forum are so incredible!
I've gotten a couple hours of sleep so far. I'm getting ready to crack open DR again and figure out my strategy. Goals and signposts are at the top of the list.
It occurs to me if H feels blackmailed (his words) I'm not going to see much in the way of remorse. He has no clue how lucky he is that I care enough to fight. I'm hoping through actions and time he'll begin to see the light.
One day at a time. I have no proof he ended affair...but his devastation and anger are easy to see. He's been more forthcoming than I expected, he's agreed to let me know if she contacts him, he's agreed to hand me his phone if I ask. It's a start, I think.
Back to Beginner's mind, one step at a time, and good, concrete, measurable goals. It'll help keep me focused and from going insane in any case.
I'm pretty sure H is telling the truth about breaking it off. His sheer rage at me and my "blackmail" causing him to have to do it is pretty convincing.
He tells me she took it really badly and hates him now. She accused him of lying about his marriage being over. I hope he wasn't expecting any sympathy from me. As far as I'm concerned they are both large pieces of feces. Her for getting involved with someone who was not divorced - him for not waiting on divorce to be final.
Did you read my next long statement after the one on Page 6? Lots more detail there.
So, the situation has taken an even uglier turn. After asking H about whether he was smart enough to don a condom and finding out he wasn't, I realized something awful.
Right after he told me to set up counseling, he went out to a friend's house. He later texted me and said he was too drunk to drive home. Since I believed the woman I thought he was involved with might be there, I insisted on picking him up and bringing him home.
He really was toasted. This is embarrassing to admit, but he asked for some attention, orally, and I did it. I mistakenly thought it might be a good first step to reigniting intimacy. It didn't take long for me to realize my error, because he called me another name at the finish, so to speak. I was not happy, "What did you call me?"
He's also a Type I diabetic, and his monitor went off because his blood sugar was really low. I got him up, got some food in him, and told him what had happened. He got really angry, and went to sleep in the other room.
The next morning I realized he had no memory of it, and I was never going to bring it up again, ever. To me, we're married, so it was no big deal...until it occurred to me that I've now been exposed to whatever his scrum bucket might have.
So, I texted him today and asked him to set up a doctor's appt to get screened for STD's. He refused, and I said he had to because I've been exposed now, too. He's like, "What!?!"
He called me and demanded to know what I was talking about. So I told him...said I'd never intended to tell him about it, but now that I've been exposed, one of us has to go get checked out. That SOB accused me of lying!
Digging the dagger in deeper (dagger piercing me!), I finally went into detail, and then he remembered...but turns out in his memory, it was OW who performed so beautifully. I guess finding out it was me ruined one of his most special memories, because he got cold and short, told me he had to go (with all the disgust in the world in his tone) and hung up on me!
I guess I get to go get checked out. I'm not taking any chances.
I really, truly, at this moment don't like him much at all. He's gone all week, and I will not call, text, or anything else unless it is an emergency. WTF would I lie about that for? It's not like I'm trying to catch him cheating, because I already know!!!
I really think he's angry because he thought it was her, and now I've ruined the memory for him! I just got off the phone with the doctor, and they said H needs to be the one checked out for a more thorough screen. With me, they'd be guessing. He refuses to go right now.
Here was what I went through. Please read a couple of pages and you'll see what happened the next day. It was what I needed to wake up to the reality of the situation.
Zues! My goodness, you've been through the wringer, haven't you? I appreciate you sharing the link with me. It really does help knowing others have survived this madness and hurt.
I just don't know if I should go ahead and proceed with Temporary Spousal Support, Divorce, go ahead and attend the things we have set up, or nothing right now.
I really have no clue. I do have self-respect, but also have my principles...right now, they are at odds.
