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#2611515 10/01/15 04:48 PM
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Will AD stop the pain/



Merckx #2611861 10/02/15 07:55 PM
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How do I let go. It will be a year soon and it seems to be getting to me more and more. Back in june and July I felt like I was starting to detach and be able to live with the situation but know I don't know anymore.
I could leave but then I would not be able to see my S every night and put him to bed. The thought of losing that is taking its toll and I just don't know where to turn.
Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection



Merckx #2611886 10/02/15 08:54 PM
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Have you posted your story? I hope you will.

Have you read all the links Cadet provides? They are tools for you to use. That is how you learn to detach, etc.

You must detach and GAL. Ask anyone who reconciled, and they will tell you that they had to do these two things, first.

Quote:
Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection


For a year? Change the dynamics in the relationship, and it will change.

No, AD's won't take the pain away. It helps cope, but if you do nothing to change things, then nothing will take the pain away.





It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2612365 10/04/15 11:08 PM
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Thanks Sandy,
I had posted my story before and pulled it. Married 20+ yeas and 4 kids.
Change the dynamics, I thought I was but now don't believe I accomplished anything. Seem to be back to square one and just not sure of direction to go.
Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. I don't know I don't remember ever saying that. All I ever said is I don't want a divorce and she agreed saying that we would stay married for the finances kids and house. That was 6 months ago and nothing seems to have moved since.



Merckx #2612376 10/05/15 12:08 AM
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Originally Posted By: Merckx

I could leave but then I would not be able to see my S every night and put him to bed. The thought of losing that is taking its toll and I just don't know where to turn.
Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection


I know your pain I am in Exactly the same position and I mean exactly ....having the R conversation does not help I do it have done it and always it has been met by the same response

My w started to detach about three years ago we still get on we do things together almost just like things were before BD just the imp tamale has now gone and she goes out with her friends when she wants to ...she is secretive with her phone msgs a guy gets her emotions filled from his flirting ...wanker ......

Here is what I am hoping
1) I can detach so that when she goes out it really does not bother me right now it drives me crazy the thinking ...not even going to go there
2) I start to make new friends if this leads to me being happier then great
3) be a betterfather to my four kids
4) be a better husband washing ironing cleaning spend time with family
5) have her in the house for as long as possible not rush to sell I feel this may give me the best oppertunity to show her my changes ....I may be very wrong with this approaching see no good from us being apart

6) Improve myself be the best ghost I can be

I do not want to be a part time parent ...my W would prefer to sell the house and start a new life without me move on forward

She has no idea how hard this will be for everyone she has given this no thought not looking forward to that point when it comes

Good luck

You can get through this we both can

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
ATPeace #2612407 10/05/15 01:56 AM
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Ghost,
I have been following you for months and see the pain. Sometimes I feel it is exactly the same, sometimes think yours has more likely a chance to improve. I just feel that there is no movement my part or hers.
Like I said I thought I was getting past some of the worst back in june/july but now I just don't know.



sandi2 #2612409 10/05/15 02:01 AM
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Sandi,
How do you change the dynamics or do 180's when the whole R has been across the board? I have the worst habits of not finishing anything but trying to do everything. I always cooked but then stopped so much in the 3 years leading up to the BD, same with the yard and the house. Now when I go back to those it looks fake but I need to do them. Just don't know which way to go.



Merckx #2612439 10/05/15 09:25 AM
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It's tough alright.I followed your old thread.Maybe you should put a summary her for others.It helps people advise.

I have no real advice at this stage but I wish you luck.

I would say start on your side of things or rather restart on your side of things first. You change, then being/acting different is what changes dynamics.

I feel your frustration and know how demotivating it can be when you seem to not be making progress. It is slow...... too slow but it did take a long time to get to where ye are too.

All the best


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
roist #2612504 10/05/15 03:07 PM
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In a nut shell this is what I know.
A little over 3 yrs ago I could sense something wasn’t right at times. Sometimes it just felt like we were in different places but still got along very well.

I have a bad habit of going quiet when we disagreed (stonewalling) and on several occasions over the years saying I was going to leave, just didn’t know what to do. On at least two occasions I actually left the house and would stay out overnight not saying anything for days afterwards because I couldn’t figure out how to restart a conversation with her.

About 2-1/2 years ago had another disagreement as I was feeling something was wrong and asked her if she was having an affair. She looked at me and told me she didn’t know if she could do this anymore and said maybe we should separate. Well I begged and pleaded and we eventually seemed to come back together after about 2 months, she even told me she really did love me. This is where I was too dumb and stupid I never went any farther and looked for professional help or any help for that matter to find out what all I had done to cause this unhappiness.

It didn’t take long after we came back together for me to start feeling something wasn’t quite right but still I did not do anything. We would be ok and I would accept that and be thankful instead of looking to fix it because I didn’t want to rock the boat. Later the next year she told me she didn’t feel connected anymore, still I did nothing to try and make things better or find out what that meant. I couldn’t understand it and thought it was just all the stress we were under financially. Two kids in college.

Well I finally snapped again over the summer and went into one of my stonewalling sessions, we survived but barley. Later we got more bad financial news (Of which we were totally ok) but I let it get to me and we had an argument and I left upset. Left her I note wishing things could have been different. She tried calling and getting a hold of me and I did not answer her. She was trying and I just couldn’t see it.

A couple of weeks after that(About a year ago) a small stupid argument blew up into me telling her she didn’t love me and I walked out for two days. When I came back she had had time to live without me and decided that she wanted a separation. Did all the same things begging and pleading and avoided the separation and now we live parallel lives.

We had some conversations after that and she was somewhat open and said that she didn’t know what she wanted and didn’t say she never wanted to try again. During that time I was seeing an IC and he kept telling me I need apologize only problem was I was not ready for it and could not keep it together to do that. Somewhere along the way we ended up in a late night conversation that should not have happened and it broke down to me telling her I did not want to get divorced (Divorce had never been mentioned before) and she said she didn’t either. She went on to say that we could stay together for the finances, kids and the house after that I didn’t say anything.

In the few conversations we have had about the R since then she has told me she is not romantically in love with me anymore. She knows this is what I want but she doesn’t want it anymore. Most recently I started to tell here that this is not what I wanted and she told me this was the way I said I would stay.

I know I should not have brought up the conversation again but I just wanted some movement. I miss her and can see her ever day but I don’t know where she went.



Merckx #2612505 10/05/15 03:11 PM
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Okay, without more information about the MR, I am hesitant to write a lot. What did your W tell you? Does she want a divorce? What are her reasons, or did she give you any? Most will say, "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you". What changes, if any, have you seen in her?

My H has the same bad habits as you. I have been so frustrated I could literally pull my hair out. Nothing in our house gets finished that he starts. He even buys things that are never taken out of the package. He has good intentions, at the time he starts something, but he just doesn't see it through to the end. He's a good man. He's very kind and has a gentle nature. He thinks before he speaks, and sometimes that causes him to appear a little slower thinking than a person who is impatient, impulsive, quick tongued, and doesn't think things through as well as they should (like me). Until just a few years ago, I did not know he had ADD. One night, we were watching a commercial on that very topic. He said, "That describes the way I've been since I was five years old". I was shocked! He had never said anything about how his thoughts about and couldn't focus on things. He had never seen anyone about it, b/c he thought it was just the way he was. It broke my heart to think of the ways he must have suffered when he was growing up. Now, one of our grandchildren has the same problem, and it is pretty bad. He never finishes anything he starts!

I don't mean to sound as if I'm diagnosing you. I said all of that to tell you that you are not alone. Have you ever seen anyone about the possibility of you having attention deficit? It is not just in children, b/c adults have it also. There is medication one can take to help you stayed more focused and at task, if that were to be the case.

On the other hand, if it is due to really bad habits, then there is only one thing to fix it.....and you know what that is, right?

Quote:
Change the dynamics, I thought I was but now don't believe I accomplished anything. Seem to be back to square one and just not sure of direction to go.


Can you share with us what you did to change the dynamics?

Quote:
Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. I don't know I don't remember ever saying that. All I ever said is I don't want a divorce and she agreed saying that we would stay married for the finances kids and house. That was 6 months ago and nothing seems to have moved since.


So are you doubting yourself or your W? Do you forget things you have said?

Quote:
How do you change the dynamics or do 180's when the whole R has
been across the board? I have the worst habits of not finishing
anything but trying to do everything. I always cooked but then stopped so much in the 3 years leading up to the BD, same with the yard and the house. Now when I go back to those it looks fake but I need to do them. Just don't know which way to go.


I'm not sure what you mean. Are you saying that in order to change the dynamics that you need to cook, do the yardwork, and more of the housework? Why does it seem fake?

I really want to help. Just need more information about how things have been in the relationship.

There is a lot of information on the Internet about dynamics in a relationship. I hope you will research how this plays out in a M.

Changing the dynamics does NOT mean you act like her unpaid employee, or do all that work to win brownie points with her. You said it needed to be done. Why? What do you mean? Does she do any of it?

Who would you say wears the pants the M?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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