In the UK - need help (pt13)

[roist]

You are doing well.

Reread validating too.

I am sure she knows you offered SD a roof. Maybe she was testing. Maybe. Lot of things. Mindreading is a waste of your energy.I take it as positive signs but no expectations.

Meet ndy asap, it'll do you good. Do no harm to W if you dissappearfor a bit too!

[NDY]

Rosite is right, so is Sotto.

The way you need to think about this is that the interaction from now on are purely business. Sure, I let my emotions get the better of me at times as well. Like I said were only human but you should think of your immediate objectives.

The house is sold. Where are you and the kids (should they all need to stay with you) going to live?

If you are with the kids (get that freaking lawyer) how are you going to get help with S?

If she does leave with the kids, and she probably will, what are the schooling/ help with S provisions? You have a right to know. And if she doesn't have an answer you be prepared with YOUR answers if the kids stay with you.

Get your ducks in a row. If she doesn't have a plan that's her issue. At the moment you have to think about you and the kids without her. This is important.

[Huddy]

Plan is in motion. New bank account opened for me. Job 1 done. GAL activity booked for two weeks time (just a day away, but it'll give me a break). Week off work booked for third week in October - I need a rest! Look at flats (apartments) next week and get tenancy agreement sorted (had to wait until I had my own bank account).

W now saying 'if I go' in most sentences. Decided this is probably crumbs right now to see if I fold in and start begging again. I'm not that man anymore! Until she says she is recommitting to the M, and we are a proper couple/family, I plan to carry on as described.

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. I've being following your sitch and your doing great. It's an unbelievable hard , gut wrenching time but your last post was fantastic to read

Print it out and keep it , the whole thing is in that post , you recognised crumbs , you didn't react , brilliant !!!

The DB way works , it often doesn't feel like it but it does Whatever the outcome ( and I'm sending positive thoughts for the right one for Huddy and his kids ) you are becoming so much stronger

Take care mate. Rd

[NDY]

Huddy. Well done mate. You did really well there. Keep this up. Rooting for you.

I'll help out with some rental info on Monday if you want to give me some areS to look into. I can tell you prices and how long they stay up for etc so that you can get and edge. There are portals you should set up alerts with and keep checking your emails for when they come on. It might be something to seriously consider taking a tenancy before the house exchanges hands. When do you hand over the keys?

[Huddy]

Hi Folks

Some posts from yesterday have only just come online. Apologies if I haven't answered them!

Thanks rd. It's pointless arguing the same points over and over again with her, so, just batten down and get on with getting 'me' in order. I can worry about R another day.

Thanks NDY. I'm looking in West Edinburgh. I've been looking on Zoopla and there are over 200 properties available, but I'm happy to look at Mid/East Lothian. As you know EH is expensive, but at least I won't have the commuting costs.

Plan is to be in before moving date, so that looks like being 4 December, so, the ones I looked at the other day are entry for 30 November and 4 December, so, I'm not planning on hanging around. As I say, I was just waiting for bank account to be set up. I'd have to use my flexible friend for deposit until house proceeds are dealt with, but that's not a problem.

[ATPeace]

Huddy

You are doing incredably well you are DB and I know how hard this is but you are really doing amazing your last post really does show how far you have come

Take care

Ghost

[NDY]

Hi mate. Get on rightmove, S1 homes and onthemarket as well. Let me just say if you are looking around west Edinburgh those go fast. Very fast. I'll get you stats and areas to look at when I get back to work. I can also provide rental agents in that area that you can register with so that you get notification before they go to the general public.

What district do you work in? I can expand this out to Lothian for you. There are some nice spots around there but obviously not as nice as Edinburgh.

If you do end up in the capital your old mate NDY will be traveling through for a night out or three:-)

[Pyrite]

Got home. Can you believe she's made tea to celebrate the fact we don't have to show anybody else around. As she has no housing alternatives in Scotland she has decided to move to her parents, 230 miles away. I asked her if this is what she really wanted and she said it was.

I told her I couldn't forgive her for taking my children away and that I hated her. OK, my emotion took over here, I was wrong - very wrong for shouting, but I'm dying here. I asked what my 'crime' was that she wanted to break our marriage up and she said 'we just go around in circles. I told you at the start I just don't find you physically attractive anymore'.

NDY, I reminded her that in Scotland I have a right to determine where my children live and that I have automatic 50/50 rights over access. She said her L told her as we are in the same country (the UK) she could take the kids where she wanted. Sadly, I'm skint, so can't get a lawyer, so don't know where to turn.

I'm desperately trying to keep a good, confident approach here, but fear I am going to slip soon. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I shouldn't have told her I hate her, but, I will if she takes my kids away.

Melting here. So upset. Want to cry, but don't want her to know that.

dude - still trying to catch up one where this bombshell baby is going. hey wrt the e kids - i believe australian law would be very similar - her L is right in that she probably can move IF she is sole carer. IF this was all old hat, and the court had previously ordered her primary custody, and you had weekends access for example, then the onus would be on her to prove to the court that moving was beneficial to their interests above maintaining proximity to the co-parent making access possible. i HAVE reviewed REAL cases where the proposed move would reasonably preclude access to the father (i.e. 2 hrs drive away) and the move was denied by the court.

however - you are in the same boat as me, in that a standing order does not yet even exist. SO - in my case, my wife can move and take the kids IF she is awarded primary carer status. However, her claim for this is totally lacking evidence - basically because it is untrue. The only time it has been true was when she had 11 mths maternity leave with each child. Even then it was never true for both kids at the same time. Given our kids are young, this represents a significant proportion off their lives though. However, even assuming that she did act as primary carer of the older in maternity leave of the second, this still only represents 40% of the time until January 2015. Since then we have both been 100% carer, 50% of the time. It is almost irrelevant that she was primary carer on maternity leave as a) God gave her breasts, b) The government legislates comprehensively for mothers to apply for and immediately get maternity leave from their employ, c) she was only able to have maternity leave because I supported her financially and everything else that wasn't the kids (even cooking dinner etc).

YOUR kids are older, so this is probably in your favour in respect of care. Did she work? If she did it is clear cut. Also - they can speak up, and will be "evaluated" before the judge rules on who gets primary custody, AND is the move in their best interests. It is not enough to claim it is interests to move - which BTW is all my wife has even testified.

do the kids have school, care arrangements in the current community? Moving would be disruptive in the first instance.

Also, over here the court has two mandates 1) the best interests of the child. 2) make the order to minimise the couple returning to court in the future.

over here they do also have the long term view of equal shared care is best for everybody. For very young kids this gets complicated because developmentally, attachment issues are better dealt with when there is only one parent to be attached to. it is fairly common though here for the other to go back to court once the kids are both school age and ask for, and get, more access on these grounds.

one of my many many many arguments, aside from the mother having encouraged "clinginess" to her and me having encouraged their social development in preference, is that we have already in the last 9 months hurdled this issue and awarding her primary custody to facilitate her convenience ONLY, would only serve as a step backwards in this long long road of co-parenting.

Stats will show that mothers get primary custody in 91% of cases (here), where there are children involved in a D. However, in 50% the father doesn't even object, in 30% the father capitulates in mediation. Only 4% make it into court, and only 1.5% go to final hearing.

in short, mothers always seem to get custody because the fathers don't fight it - for whatever reason. all that said, the mothers still do win the majority of the time because they ARE the primary carers, not because they are the mother. Although that is a social norm and whilst we are (as a society) struggling with equal opportunity and affirmative action, especially for women in the work place - i feel this is a justification, or an excuse, for anti-feminism and even misogyny. this crap of removing gender bias based on both genders deserving equal rights, as if they are the same - i have no argument that women are not as capable in most situations but there are biological differences for [censored] sake that will always give the mother the upper hand when it comes to custody.

should we strive for equality at the expense of nurturing our young with evolutionary superior breast milk and removing the inescapable role of "primary carer"? should we strive for equality and employ a forced quota of females in ministry or on boards?

why is the answer to the latter debatable and the former an obvious "no". Because even as fathers we want to preserve the best interests of our children. I will be devastated if I "lost" my children, but I would be understanding and accepting if my STBX was genuinely acting on her belief in preserving the best interests of the children. She is absolutely not. behind the courts back she is STILL arguing for me to follow her and have 50/50. Every point in her testimony is about me, me, me. argggghhh - move on, its making me sick.

anyway - more to catch up on re: this baby sitch.

[Pyrite]

phew - no baby then?

sometimes i read articles oh the "extreme" case out of interest or to see how they deal with this extreme case.

Huddy - this all seems so [censored] up. not attracted to you is her only reason? this i would doubt is usually impetus sufficient for this destruction.

MIL, SIL considered - i have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for several months now, as i am sure you have, and it just isn't there? menopausal, MLC? who knows?

you'll get through this mate, and the sun for you on the other side of the hill is untainted. As soon as you get over the hill, nothing but rolling fields. Our WASs - another story, not our concern either. I have been "chatting" with a girl i met recently, and I tell you what - something my IC said to me months ago, a question really, "Do you think your heart grows and love is made stronger" (sic) more pure "after getting over this". And in these very premature moments with other girl, even non-existent actually, I can feel the love in my heart AND it IS stronger and more PURE, it is evolved, upgraded. LOVE2.0.

WRT your kids - make it known about W's behaviour, sending SD to the wall and you being the one to save her. I have similar evidenced examples with my W and I am consoled by "how could any reasonable person read all of this and STILL give her custody". Many in the system have agreed with me, but also warned, "judges aren't always reasonable".