In the UK - need help (pt13)

[NDY]

mate, it's this:

she's just a control freak

Don't know if you recall on my thread when I described how much control she had managed to exert over me? I didn't realise it until we broke up just how much I had let her walk over me. Ah well, not my turn anymore.

[Huddy]

Yes I remember shirts for going out etc. I guess an R is out of the question if she picks up the phone?

[NDY]

She's having another man's baby so I think the chances of that are less than slim.

Put it this way. Mr Bond, Sandi2 and Co always press on about the NC rule should the WW want to work on the R, even to the point of changing jobs if they work together because every time the WW sees the OM it's straight back to square one for her. Now imagine bringing up his child. She's going to have to see the OM pretty much every day (or every other day) should they break up.

[Huddy]

I understand. I just know, one day, she'll really regret her actions towards you. It's so sad!

[NDY]

I know. I expect today isn't a good day for her and the OM. Still, like I said not my problem. My job is to build a new life for me and S10.

I know this may seem strange at the moment but, apart from her taking the kids so far away (potentially, lets see what your L says) the separation will do you good. It may not look like it now and one day your W may well regret this but for your sake being away from all the cr@p will help with the stress. I really mean that.

[Huddy]

Yes. The endless silence and 'walk of eggshells' will be a relief, for sure.

So, decided to ask what care and education plan she has got in place for the children when she goes. This didn't go well. Basically, she hasn't got one. I told her that was highly irresponsible and that I wasn't happy and we needed to talk about it.

W then said she didn't want to talk. I said that wasn't an option. Then it started getting weird. W then said if i'd had left at the start of this, we would probably be OK now, but because I didn't leave (finances) she needed to put space between us and then she might talk. She said everytime I said something 'nasty' to her (she specifically mentioned me saying I hated her the other day; true I regret it and have told her I don't hate her, but what she's doing)it made her not want to consider a R, coming back, or thinking again.

Now, there is two sides to this, I think. There is pure guilt. W has realised that her dream is falling apart and that by blaming me she can deflect the fear that is pulling her to the bottom. The other option is that she really is torn and as we're both hurting, everything we say is being misinterpreted.

So, I can see a bright side here. She's thinking. My plan carries on however. I have my SD to look after.

[NDY]

Well we're only human and we all make mistakes. The past is the past and it's the here and now that matters. Remember the nothing of what they say 50% of what they do mantra.

Look, I'm not saying things COULD have been different if you left but at the same time they could also have been worse. After BD I did leave for a bit. Gave her the space to think and yea, she made her mind up and it was NOT in my favour. So neither you or your W knows how that would have turned out. And of course it deflects the responsibility back onto you so she's still in full entitlement mode.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with NDY about the deflection (perhaps if you had left we could have worked things out.) You are a couple and both bear some responsibility. And as NDY says....who knows how that might have gone!!

The thing that stood out for me was her saying whenever you say things like 'I hate you' it confirms I'm doing the right thing. I know emotions are running high, but do try to keep doing 'what works' and avoid the things that drive more of a wedge between you.

It sounds like you are doing well dealing with the realities of the situation. And I think you are right to query arrangements for the kids - for their sake. However, calling her 'completely irresponsible' is going to be another thing that makes her feel 'I'm right to go.' If you need to discuss arrangements for the children, do so calmly and without judgement of blame. If you aren't happy with something of course you can say - but use 'I' statements (I'm unhappy with that) as opposed to 'you' statements (you're completely irresponsible.)

I agree, your W may be contemplating some reality now, so take care to DB to a tee....re-read the rules and make sure your approach fits with them.

Take care, Sotto :-)

[Huddy]

Hi NDY/Sotto

Yeah, my emotions are still a bit edgy, but I think I'm doing my best to keep a lid on it and just concentrate on practical matters.

I really regret the 'I hate you' thing, but, I was in a panic on Tuesday and I was saying from emotion not thought. We all know how difficult it is to just keep our hat on in this phase.

Yes, I feel she is still in 'poor old me' mode and using guilt at me helps her think less about her lack of forward planning. Tough times at the minute. W also had the audacity to say that 'we' were making SD homeless! Arrgghh!!!! It's a good job my brain is still on function mode, not dipsy la la mode!

I've got to say I'm exhausted. I've gone back to nightmares/4 to 5 hours sleep and with working full time and all the nonsense that's going on, I feel I'm running on empty. I'm going to have a week off with the kids during the autumn hols (W is taking them to her parents for the first week) to try and get some rest.

[ATPeace]

Huddy you are so much stronger than I am I know you said you would give your right are for having a meal out ....it was just lunch yes we talk but I am heading down friend street and not sure this is what I want

I think it is good that your w is thinking about the developing events

Stay strong

Ghost