In the UK - need help (pt13)

[Huddy]

Thanks, I will. W has called me this morning to talk about something, but I was in the middle of taking a pee! I've tried to call back, but now she's not answering. Bizarre.

[Sotto]

Hi Huddy, I would stay cool and continue on your path. It is tempting to start 'reading between the lines' if behaviour seems to change. But it is best not to do that. If you have tried to get back to your W and she didn't pick up, I would leave if. If she wants to track you down she will. Equally, if she wanted something to change, she would say. And until or unless she does this, there's no need for you to worry about anything other than getting your plans in place post-move.

I know consulting a L has been discussed on your sitch. Are you and your W in agreement about exactly who will get what when the house does sell? It's really important to have this clearly agreed in writing, taking into account a possible future D, at the point you sell.

Hope you have a good day xx

[Maximus]

Morning H,

See you have flipped the LBS role to your W.

Admire how you are handling it and really hope things turn out as you want.

I know deep down most of us here would swap a lot of the GAL & detaching for second chance with our S.

Yesterday a funny thing happened...I was talking to a woman I generally just say hi to at the gim. For some reason she was in chat mode and so was I. After about 15 mins chatting, a few laughs and a thump on my arm it hit me (pun)....

We sometime concentrate so much on our actual S and their reactions even when they are long gone emotionally and physically that we neglect to look in the mirror and see who we are and what we can offer after our makeover. Additionally our makeover has maybe made us a different person, hopefully better. Maybe even to the point where losing our W may be a good thing.

I found myself acting in a way and talking about things I know I will never be able to do with my W. And I enjoyed it. I love sailing and so does this person. My W doesnt. I used to play football with my son in a team and my W never came to watch us and probably never will. This person used to watch her XH and takes her son to matches. If I played again I bet she would come and watch me make a fool of myself.

It then dawned on me that if for a moment we step out of the box, analyze who we have become and who our S still are. Then maybe we run the risk of losing our 2.0 so as to adapt back to our R? After all we have changed but have they? Will we go back only to find we have become incompatible? Will we go back only to now spend further energy on changing them?

I read your posts and see you place a lot of importance on how your W reacts even though you are moving ahead. If she suddenly wanted you to stp and work on your R what and who would really change?

i know in my case a lot of things I am doing now I will still do on my own. However there are women out there who would do more things that I like doing too. Shouldnt we maybe stop focusing systematically on what our S are doing and how they are reacting and maybe ask ourselves how would life be like if we did get back together?

I think you are a stronger and better man Hud and maybe with this pov you should take the time to look at your W as a stranger, not her H and ask what would life be like if you did return? You have changed, what if she doesnt? You are know GAL because of your situation but if you reconcile the idea is to share things. How will HUD 2.0 and W 1.0 fit in with each other? As you are so far ahead, maybe it is not a bad idea to meet someone else whose 1.0 integrates better with you?

I dont know if you know what I mean but it was just a thought and hope this is not hijacking.

Peace bro.

[Huddy]

Hi Sotto/Maximus

Thanks for your input. I know what you mean Maximus. I think telling her I would never forgive her if she took the children away really threw her. At the minute, my main concern is housing. I haven't worked all my adult life to be bedding down on somebody elses setee/floor etc. Huddy 2.0 has got his pride back and looks at Huddy 1.0, snivelling and begging six months ago with some contempt. Ghost, if you're reading this (I know you're spinning right now) please, get your pride back first.

Yes, I am watching her reactions. It's interesting how the dynamic has changed. W has called back. She sounded really pleasant, almost like her old self. I've got to be careful as I feel it would be quite easy to lose my new found confidence again. W explained she was doing the ironing (mine as well) and hadn't heard me call her back. She told me that somebody had called for me and started talking about my flat bid (I guess SD has told her). I stalled a bit and she said she wanted to talk to me when I got home. No expectations. I have just booked another viewing for another property.

It looks like I'm pushing this flat letting business down her throat, but my first priority, at the minute, is housing. If she does turn/can't find a property, then at least I have space for my kids.

[rd500]

Hi Huddy. Completely agree with Maximus. While we all understand how you look for reactions in W and hope for your R Would you really want this woman if you just met her. ? Really. She is splitting up her family , threatening to move kids 230 miles away , leaving her D homeless. She ignores her H unless it suits her , etc

In the last 3 weeks you have really grasped DBing. Of course you look for signs and hope , most of us do but it's not letting her reactions change what your doing

Re the letters and lack of movement on D , if you look at it this way , she needs to find somewhere to live and that's much more important right now She sitting closer to you because she was thinking about how she's going to spend her share of the house proceeds and forgot in her excitement of that sun holiday she's planing in her head, to sit further away from you

I've posed before none of our WAS our psychos They still have some feelings for us just not the ones we want Your W is no different She sold the house and now she has a huge amount on her mind and I have no doubt she is wondering about her choice to leave you BUT it may only be wondering and Huddy has to continue as he is , looking out for himself and his family

Take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Thanks rd

Yes, W 2.0 would have some work to do if she wants to be back in R.

Onwards. My only problem right now is fatigue. I've said in the past how tired I've been feeling (I'm back to nightly nightmares right now) but in the past few days I'm just exhausted. I look at yesterday. I woke up at 0320, managed to snooze until 0600 then work, then viewing, then commute back home and I'm not in the house until 1950. I think once accommodation is sorted, I can relax a bit more.

[Huddy]

You have to laugh. Searching through property sites today, I came across a house on at £15k per month - for rental! That's £182k per year. Granted it's got ten bedrooms, but who on earth is going to rent that. I'd love to say it's in my budget.......

[NDY]

Mate. I've seen more expensive than that. Especially during the commonwealth games and the open.

[Huddy]

Really Bud? I showed it to one of my workmates and he nearly fell on the floor. You've got to ask, if you had that kind of money, every month, surely you'd just get a mortgage?

Hey ho. Nice and calm at home. W has said we don't need to mention separation to the estate agents as she doesn't want to know right now. No idea what that means, but the money is going in my bank account. Still going with my plan though. I feel really tired, almost ill tonight. I think I've been running on adrenalin for the past six months and I might be running out of steam. I know I'm run down as I have some sore spots on my skin. It's like being a teenager again!

[NDY]

First. Look after your health. Take. Few days off if necessary. You need to be fully fit in order to carry this through.

Second, forget what your W says. Money in your account or not. WAS saying no need to mention separation or not. You HAVE to protect yourself.

Look, mate. I get the impression you don't want to engage a L because you're hoping she'll turn round at the 11th hr and that instructing a L will be the final chapter in your R. It's not. If you don't get a L you leave yourself exposed. Very much so.

Your W has a L. She probably didn't think twice about it. So why leave yourself vurnalbe? Makes no sense to me.

And if there is no agreement in place between you two then who the heck knows what she will do/say?

You've already turned the dynamic on its head, this is just one more step to prove you are serious. You are moving on no matter what. But if you don't do it you can get very stung. Everyone on here agrees with me. You don't need to tell her if you prefer but get a L. Please Huddy. It's important you do this now.