wife STILL in the tunnel..more fog.

[Irish M]

Hi AJ
Yes respect for her is long gone. My girls deserve better. I deserve better.

We all know it's not her. I don't want to be married to that. Also like you said it frees me. When mediation ends I will be completely NC.it will feel good because when I am not around her I am starting to feel great.

I do cycle down sometimes when a flashback occurs.. Missing her etc. But I quickly think of what she did to my D's... I say thank god they are with me.

Also W still has me in her life since it's not final. Once it's final and no ties left.... She can be free of her old life and see that it wasn't me who caused her pain and sadness.

W said to me during mediation" you can't let go... "
I looked at her like what are you talking about. In the last month I haven't called her or texted her. Only a text concerning the D's or about me buying her out.
And never in all the last 2 months talked about her coming home, fixing us , trying etc

Question : she still can't remember things she did or said to the girls. How will she ever regret if she can't remember anything.

I know I need be I really want to stop analyzing her. Stop thinking about what she is doing. I know who the OM is. She doesn't want me to know. Hides it from everyone.
Should I expose it? Not in a bad way. Just plant seeds to people who are connected to her. Ex : when they ask me about W .. I reply, oh she is living in town X with a first name last name guy.

It's actually the first local guy she started chatting with on her new FaceBook page. All her other chats were guys 1000's of miles away.
I confronted her 2 months ago when she was still in the house. She deleted him but I knew better. Sad they need attention so bad the first guy that wants it gets it. Complete opposite from me and not a catch of the century.

Now if this OM fails... I read other stories of other MLC'r in the forum about OM2's and OM3's. Do they just jump OM to OM
Or she realizes she is making huge mistake when this fails. I guess we can't know. Their journey.

I know .... Her journey .... My journey..... Think of me and my D's . Who caress about W. She'll figure it out soon enough. I'm getting there.


Yes the puppy this weekend is going to be amazing. Good road trip for me and my D's. Visiting my brothers family 5 hours away. The dog is an hour from there. Girls are so excited.

[AJM]

You do or don't want to know? Seems a lot of back and forth there...

Everyone is different, Irish. Some affair down and stay happily married for a lifetime. Others, bounce from one to the next. Seems the common thread is that they do what they do until they figure it out. Each in their own time.

Regrets? Would you want to remember you said such things?

No matter what she figures out or doesn't, she will likely never tell you nor anyone else. It's very rare that they will tell you things or remember those events with clarity.

AJ

[Vanilla]

Just checking in as promised Irish.

V

[Irish M]

Hi V good to hear from you, hope you are doing well :-)

AJ.. I guess I am hoping she has regrets because I can't for the life of me understand her neglect for the D's

They were so close. Always together.
Loved them more than anything in the world.
It will be 2 months she hasn't seem them.

I'm at the point that I'm not thinking about me missing her.. Only about the D's losing their mom.

If there was regret somewhere in her Lalaland
Maybe she'll try to connect with them.

Breaks my heart.

GAL
We picked up the puppy. So cute and a handful of course.
Will be great for the girls. So much love to give
My Brother mentioned this weekend he thought my D's were closer. The shared the same chair and blanket at the outdoor fire on Friday.
He said that's nice. They're there for each other.... But this is not new behaviour. My girls have always been close. Glad that is continuing.

The 5 hour drive back was long. It seems only W's music was on the radio.
D's had me changing the station multiple times to avoid these songs.
It did allow them to share their feelings more about their mom.
They tend to shut it out. Never brining her up or saying they miss her.

I find it weird they disconnected from her in thought. I guess its a protective measure... This was the first time they mentioned her In days.

[Irish M]

Got an email from STBXW on child support. It was polite and in the style of W before BD
She asked me to confirm that o received the transfer. I replied that I'll look at it tomorrow and let her know.

At the same time she email my D's

Said its been 3 months she hasn't talked to them. ( actually only 2) Said that she didn't deserve to be treated this way. She understands they are mad at her but they should get over it. Told them that I agree on W seeing D's
Maybe go for lunch or something.
She wants this to happen.finished with a I love you like daddy loves you. He's a good daddy

Again all about her and not one concern on how they are. Their feelings or apologie on what she did to them.

I let the D's reply. Oldest D said she'd think about it. But will probably reply"no thanks, we are not interested "

I really don't mind them seeing their mom in a public place.
But if OM is there... Not going to happen.

[kml]

Irish....
It's a tough call. You want your kids to feel they have a choice and they can express their anger to her. At the same time, you don't want this to grow into a lifelong estrangement if you can help it.

My ex husband's mother left when he was a teen. His father was devastated. The three boys refused to see her, the two girls stayed in contact.

I convinced my ex to reconcile with his mom about ten years later. It was awkward at first but eventually they developed a decent relationship. My ex didn't want the dysfunction to carry through to our kids generation.

One brother finally reconciled with her in his 40s. The oldest brother is sixty and still hasn't spoken to his mom 40 years after the event.

My point is, these things can become a lifelong burden. Do what you can to prevent that happening while allowing them to express their feelings.

[Irish M]

How about wedding anniversaries

Do I send her an email, just saying

Happy anniversary even though we are where we are. This is more a thank you for the years we shared. I will remember them always. We had 2 super D's. Well raised and beautiful , we should be very proud of what we did to raise them this way. Thinking of you today.

Love Irish

[Irish M]

Cancel that question.

I will not message her. Me D's on the drive to their school brought W up on the drive over. They are so frustrated with her messaging them all about how she feels, how they disrespect her for not wanting to see her.

My youngest says" how can I respect her is she doesn't respect herself or me, she's so selfish... I still haven't got a birthday anything from her..."

I said just that it was up to them how to deal with their mom.

On the drive to work.. I answered my above question.... No contact to W. It's not her that I married anyway.

[Delboy]

Hi Irish M, Just to tell you about my XW's first birthday after she left us (Jan 2004). Her birthday was late August, Not one of my D's wanted to send her a card. So I got them one, they reluctantly signed it. I posted it. The day after her birthday, I was told she was crying her eyes out, with the OM at the bar in the hotel where she worked, because neither of her 3 D's phoned her up or sent her a present!!!

I wonder what would she would've been like, if she hadn't received that card I got for the kids to send?


Love

Delboy

[AJM]

AJ.. I guess I am hoping she has regrets because I can't for the life of me understand her neglect for the D's

Of course you don't understand. What kind of person would you be if you did? Not one that you'd like most likely, right? But this is not about you, so it's OK if you don't understand. Really. Let's look at what is instead. Her relationship with her daughters is broken. That hurts your daughters. And it seems to hurt your W as well. Yet she has done it. Is what it is, just like the sun coming up in the morning. You can't change what happened. But you do have choices that matter.

I'm at the point that I'm not thinking about me missing her.. Only about the D's losing their mom.

If there was regret somewhere in her Lalaland
Maybe she'll try to connect with them.

Breaks my heart.

Of course it does. What kind of parent would you be if you took joy at their suffering.

And it seems your W is "trying" (clumsily) to reach out to your daughters. I would be skeptical of the hurt they felt if they if made it easy and bit at the first attempt. The two real issues are 1) if she keeps trying and 2) what you do.

You can't control her trying. Don't even try. But you can control what you do. You can control how you help your daughters. You can control what it is that you want for them.

Look beyond should or shouldn't and look down the road. What do you want for your daughters? And what are you going to do about it regardless of what happens with anyone else?

That's what your daughters will remember. The example you set and the guidance you give them.

Personally, I chose to try and get my ex and the kids back together. Believe me, I took an emotional beating from all sides for that, and OM's input to boot. I did not and do not care about any of that. My only goal was my kids. My secondary goal was honoring my past relationship regardless of who she was. i.e. if I could be helpful without overstepping my bounds, and it not being detrimental to my kids, I did. Every time.

It wasn't pleasant for me, but I'm glad I did what I did in those situations. And I did it knowing the outcome I wanted for my kids and the difficulty I'd have doing it. I'm still breathing

I'm not suggesting you force things. Not at all. That would undermine their safety and security with you. They need that safety and security with you. Desperately. But if you can find a way to ease that reconnection over time, will it help the daughters in the long run?

On that note, I don't think you should send an anniversary note or card. But I do think you'll have opportunity to help them reconnect in some way.

Think about it.

AJ