Wow, it is amazing how similar our story sound, but roles a bit reversed. Your H is doing and saying the exact same things as my H, by my H was in your role with schooling. At one point my H said he would have left during his PhD but he did not want to take on another big project. Yeah, that hurt to hear.
First, don't think or believe that your H does not love you. He might not be in love with you, but he most likely still loves you very much. My H tells be he still loves me, but not just not romantically. Unfortunately, they are comparing a broken M to the fantasy and excitement if an A. Our Ms cannot compete against that in any way. He is in a fog right now and is not thinking or acting rationally. The hard part is realizing that nothing you say right now will get through to him, so save your energy. I never really learned that lesson because I could not detach. My H still is saying stuff that makes no sense or contradicts what he said a day earlier. Believe nothing that he says and only half of what he does. Yes, you are correct. Any anger or hurtful actions or words by your H are very likely driven by hurt and anger at himself.
Given that your H walked away so abruptly, my guess is that he was having at least an EA with this person before he left. Most men will not leave without someone else in place.
The only thing you can do is focus on you. Take the feedback that your H has given you and take the parts that have truth to them and start making changes for Doc. I am sure you have things you would like to personally work on as well. Maybe set 3 goals for the next couple of weeks as a starting point. They don't have to be huge goals. They can get bigger are you make your way along. I know you have little interaction, but that is ok. I am in the same boat. Since we do not have children either, there is not much reason to unless there is a logistical or financial question. However, even in your limited interaction you can show the best Doc possible. Plus, as D process moves along you will have to interact more. You can't do everything through L's.
After reading DR, I might suggest you read Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. It talks a lot about emotional connection and how it disappears. She helped create Emotional Focused Therapy, which many marriage therapists use and which apparently has a 70-75% rate of success. Anyway, it really helped me understand emotional connection. 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is good as well. I did not understand what my top emotional needs were. Kind of important for communicating with your S! Valuable information for your next M, regardless if it is your H or someone new.
Hang in there Doc. Your in a good spot to get support.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Wow, it is amazing how similar our story sound, but roles a bit reversed. Your H is doing and saying the exact same things as my H, by my H was in your role with schooling. At one point my H said he would have left during his PhD but he did not want to take on another big project. Yeah, that hurt to hear.
After reading DR, I might suggest you read Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. It talks a lot about emotional connection and how it disappears. She helped create Emotional Focused Therapy, which many marriage therapists use and which apparently has a 70-75% rate of success. Anyway, it really helped me understand emotional connection. 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is good as well. I did not understand what my top emotional needs were. Kind of important for communicating with your S! Valuable information for your next M, regardless if it is your H or someone new.
Hang in there Doc. Your in a good spot to get support.
Thank you so much! The fact that your H was in my role and vice versa just goes to show how little sense all of this makes! We could have easily been the ones to leave, and justify it the same way, but we didn't.
We went to one session of EFT, but he was too far along. I went to my individual session, and that's where she helped me understand about the breakdown in our emotional connection. I also read parts of Hold Me Tight and it really resonated with me,and made me hopeful, but it was very early on after he left and I remember following him around trying to read him passages. That was obviously a disaster. I cringe and laugh at the same time when thinking about it.
I know you're right about an EA or PA. I have no proof, but I agree, he would not have left so abruptly if he didn't have someone else lined up.
So, my goals. GAL is hard for me, I'm introverted at baseline. I'm meeting with a good friend on Sunday.
I have two potential online dates lined up, but I'm hesitant to go. On one hand, I'm not sure im ready, but on the other hand I'm 34 and would like to have a family one day, and if I wait until I'm really ready...I can't wait forever.
I have a really challenging coworker, one goal is to improve communication with her and to stay calm when she attacks,
I need to start driving again. I was dependent on H whenever I needed to get somewhere by car, and it would be nice to have my independence back.
Maybe take a cooking class? H did all of the cooking.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
I really feel his absence today. Its the first day of my vacation, and normally this would be when we spend quality time together, and now I'm alone.
I thought I would be doing better by 5 months. Last night I spent too much time dwelling on him and his girlfriend, I can't do that again. I get my dog today, which will help a lot, and I'm looking forward to having her for over a week. And I signed up for a volunteer orientation at an animal shelter. I still have to fill my time for today and Friday. I have potential dates to go in but I'm feeling really conflicted.
Should I go on a date? Or too soon? And I'm not sure if I should tell potential dates that I'm in the middle of a divorce.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
My dog has been my lifesaver throughout this. He gets super emotional and upset when I cry and tries to console me with tons of licks. I have never had a dog do that. My H is living an hour away and crashing at someone's place, so he can't really take the dog.
Keep your chin up. You are probably doing better than you think. Our timeline is pretty much exact, though my H didn't officially move out until I kicked him out in August. I still have bad days too and think about H more than I should. It will likely be that way for a while. It also means your probably not GALing enough. Try to not give OW much thought. Anyone willing to be with married man is not worth your thought. I was only obsessed because I did not know who it was. Not that I know, she really crosses my mind. They can't compete with the quality women we are and are most likely only being used to temporarily meet needs and ego boost, even though our spouses might not realize it.
Dating is complicated. Only you can decide that. However, as long as you still have hope or desire to save your M, I think you should steer clear. IMHO, I think it it would just complicate your emotions. It is also probably good to spend some time working on you. Do you think you are emotionally healthy enough to date? Anything you start too soon might not bode well. You know where you are at best though. Just a month ago it literally made me nauseous thinking about being with another man, but that has VERY slowly started to change. I am not sure I will do that until I am actually D, if it comes to that. Mostly, because I am not emotionally well enough.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
He texted me a picture of our dog this morning and we had a pleasant exchange. His assitsnt just dropped her off an hour ago. I almost added in some jabs while we texting back and forth but managed to hold back. Baby steps.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
I am feeling so low today. Maybe it's the rain, or my first vacation without him. I logged into our Amazon account and saw all of his orders for the past few months. He has been buying all of the things to set up his new home, which just reinforced for me that he is never coming back, and that he is happy with his new independence and new girlfriend.
It just keeps hitting me in waves that this man and I promised to spend our lives together, to support each other, and he just left. I think back to a few months ago when things started looking up, and I pushed him into telling me about the person he was involved with. Supposedly she was just someone random, now they're dating.
I need to GAL, but I'm frozen right now. I know I keep making excuses but I don't even know where to start. (I can't just call a friend, all are newly married/about to go into labor/out of the state)
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
And I really want to send a text saying "I wish I had made you feel loved and appreciated. I'm sorry," but I deleted. Im hoping this craziness will pass.
Me: early 30s Husband: early 30s Married 3 years, together 6 No children
ILYBINILWY: 3/2015 He asks for divorce: 4/2015 Moves out for good: 5/2015 I start the divorce process 8/2015
