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Thanks guys. This is impossibly hard. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I can pull myself out of it. I don't know how to establish boundaries anymore.

My W wants to spend time with me. She texted me last night saying that she heard a song and it made her miss me. I just don't know what to do anymore. It hurts so much. I know I need to be patient. The R is upbeat and fine. We laugh and talk about stuff. We eat meals together occasionally. Sometimes we watch a movie or something. There is just no progress. Nothing pointing towards a reconciliation. I keep going around and around in my head. She doesn't have feelings for me anymore. She broke my heart. She gave herself to another man. Now we are 'friends'. I would not be friends with a GF that broke up with me, yet because of the kids, because of the enormous bond I have to her, I cannot stop seeing her. It's making me insane. I am so trapped. I feel hopeless, though in my gut there is still something there.

I should go see my IC. I think I'm circling the drain again. I need to get sleep. I've been running myself pretty ragged. Thanks for being here for me.


M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids
7/14 ILYBINILWY
8/14 Takes off rings
5/15 OM, S
PA 8/15
10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation.
11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
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It took 3 years before my sitch started turning around. Hang in there.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi solo. Looks like my h is doing the same. I feel something in my gut that says well reconcile in the future but for now being friend zoned and I do not want that especially because I want to reconcile. I too don't know how to establish boundaries but we have to try harder. Hang in there...


Me 34 H 33
Married 2006
S5 D2
BD Jan 2015 EA/PA
He moved out 2/2/2015
Came back 5/2015
Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Just some adding to the journal.

So things are pretty terrible. At least internally. I am plagued with this duality. I live in two minds.

I want to share a big secret with you that I only learned just recently. That which you are observing is absolutely completely totally and utterly normal. This is part of your physiology, you are observing, noticing the separate parts of you, how it is described depends on the school of psychology to which you ascribe. There are layer theories subconscious, conscious and super conscious. The limbic, ego and super ego. Or the 'flat' CBT style of parts. I like the last one. In other words in our physiology we have our more simple cavern style emotion, our child, sometimes hurt, playful, vulnerable and innocent. Can be hurt and requiring our other parts to understand and protect. The us as we are every day and the nagging critics in our head. I also have a screaming banshee, (my angry portion). If you have seen inside out that illustrates it very well.

On one side, there is this little boy turned grown man.

You need both my sweet. Let them coexist and work together. It would help if you give them names. Oh and yes, this isn't multiple personality! You are aware of these parts of you. Let's call the first little boy- Jellyb called her child Sweet Sadness. Mine is Funny Bunny. My undeveloped adult is Plain Vanilla, drab, boring, ugly etc. Let your two parts have names.

He wants what once was.

Of course he does; its his role!

He loves someone more deeply than anyone has ever loved. He waits. He hopes. He imagines a new life, where all the good will, all the hope that's in all these posts from all these good people comes true. He believes that God will come through.

Absolutely wonderful and why shouldn't he?

That this is the fire that burns away everything and restores truth. That this is a story that has a happy ending, one true to all I have longed for. All I have worked to have. A renewed life, full, happy, and paired with the woman that I have given my heart and life to. My Eve.

That is your story. This can change, if Eve is the temptress and you lose the garden of Eden, the story needs a rewrite. A changed ending, you can chose to do that.

Then there is reality. Cold and hard and broken. It's betrayal, reformatted memories, extreme loss, and dislocated dreams. It's the constant reel of nightmares. It's his hands on her body. Her breath in his ear.

This is the way to change your story, to tone done the nightmare. I will research how we can find the best technique to ease your thoughts on this. Reframing comes to mind. Let me ponder more, if you think that could be useful.

It's the cold forgotten November sky. It's death. Death of a great dream, a great hope. A love that spans decades, that's formed who I am, what I want. I've memorized every curve of her body, every flaw, every lovely gleam in her big lovely eyes. Eyes that have peered into my soul, shared tears, stars of excitement at the beauty of our baby's future. The knowing glances, the steam and fury of passion, the darkness of loss.

Loss is just a state, these images can change, this is very visual. A prime dscriptive modality.

Loss. That's my life now. In my wisdom I find excitement in a new future. One that is free of abuse, of torment, one that glows with possibility. But this new future is empty without her. Empty. Hollow.

We can change the way you perceive this. How can the hollow be filled? With light, plants or Angels?

If I could but change, if I could disconnect from everything I have ever wanted. If I could let go of the stone and reach out my hand to a new thing. A new life.

Suposing you could reform rather than disconnect. Take the clay and reform it to a new object. Change the unglazed pot to a statue. Instead of losing yourself accept yourself and love that self, just as you are.

I had a friend who hunted raccoon on his farm. He said that they would put shiny things in holes in tree stumps. In holes too small to allow the object to come out, but narrow enough to allow the paw to enter. He said that they would find the raccoons still clutching the shiny thing, unwilling to leave it, even though they new they would die if they didn't abandon it. They would hold on no matter what. They needed it. They had to hold on to the hope they would get it out. They were shot dead.

There are many examples, fleas who hit their heads on lids even when the lids are removed. Elephants tied to small stakes. Frogs boiling from warm water. Human beings are able to transcend, when they cease doing they just are.

I am a new man. Full of new thoughts. New insight. New hopes.

Thats the future you speaking from the presen.


But here I am, drawn to her. Dying for her. Mourning for my whole life, my youth, my sweetest friend.

That is the past you looking from the present. It is always like this for everyone. Please google Time Line.

Imagine you stand still, where is your future? In front, behind, to the left, to the right? Where is your past? Behind you, in front, ? Draw a line between the past and the future and stand in the present. Face your future and what do you see? Are you facing your past? I suspect 50% of the time you do, please correct me if this isn't correct as my assumptions could be wrong. Every instance you find you face the past turn around to your future. Change the 50:50 ratio. You see your future as positive that is how you write. Your current and past is described in the black terms.

This is the ambivalence, this it is the human condition, alter the time you spend, look to a happier future.


She who betrayed me, most deeply, most intently. Drop her and move on!

That is a choice, you can stand for you, you can stand for the principles of M in the past and the expectation of new M in the future. That is ok, it's a dichotomy but not a contortion. There is no inconsistency. You can want both, it's not black and white, it can be a slide along the continuum.

They say. I say. 3 little girls, each a gift, each unique and all rocked and walked in long sleepless nights, through sickness, diapers, training. First steps, first everything. All the little ties that bind a family together.

With due respect, your involvement with each one is pure. This is still existing and immutable. Your children are your children for all your life. This is a precious connection which is enduring, the memories are alive and valid.

All the memories. And my W betrayed me. Fully. She betrayed us all. How do you move through this?! How? PMA? IC? DB? Yeah. Done it all. Nothing seems to make it better.

You are doing but not believing. The belief is you are betrayed, your daughters are betrayed. If you keep the belief that you unworthy of fidelity then this is how you will feel. You look backwards at WW actions and say I deserve this, I am unloveable, I am empty without WW. Then this will only change very slowly, maybe that is as you need, it is serving you otherwise it would not be. All of the doing is moving you slowly in the right direction, there will be more release if we attract new belief.

So what are the beliefs holding you back? One obvious one is I believe I have been betrayed. I believe my life is over. Let's examine those beliefs are they valid?

How can be change those beliefs, how can we reframe?

If instead you look forward, if you say I am loveable, I know this because I am loved and I love. If my children love me, I am loved, I channel love, WW is lost to herself and her children. This may be permanent or temporary. It is WW and how she is, that is sad, she has betrayed herself first and foremost. I still have love, I am not lost in that way, I am the stable parent for my children. I have enormous love.


And my W is constantly trying to spend time with me.

And I choose to let her, I relieve her from the burden of facing herself.

Uses me. I let her.

And I enable her, I do this as a choice until I decide what I want. I can do black and I can do white and I can do grey. Eventually I can choose.

Because I am double minded.

And that's OK as long as I accept it and know the consequences. But I could be grey instead.

A house divided cannot stand.

Who says? Why not?

So I'm falling down.

Clearly not! Only 50% of you is falling down. The other 50% is standing.

I should not fall down.

Let yourself fall down 50% of the time, the other 50% you get up again.

I can't.

You can if you want, if you really truly want you can.

That was one awkward post, but I needed to get that out.

Sometimes acknowledgement creates enormous shift.

Luv you all.

----------------------------------

And you!

Apologies for the delay in putting this together.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 09/30/15 01:21 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Solo, give your marriage the gift of time and enjoy your children. Acknowledge your pain, feel your pain and then put it down. Do not to not dwell on it.

What we can do in the meantime is improve ourselves, be the best dads we can and give our wifes the time and space to work through their issues. This is the simple yet effective solution to our situation.

Be present for you wife and kids.
Be strong for your wife and kids.
Have faith for your wife and kids.
Never give up.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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Mutatio, that was beautifully said. Solo, I feel for you. My W just wants to be friends. I am just now setting boundaries and trying to protect myself emotionally. Be great for those kids! I wish you the best


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Vanilla
Again, thanks for taking the time to reach out. That is a lot of insight. I think the struggle for me is that I can't tell if this reaching out to me is a sign of change in our R, or cake-eating. Maybe it's both. What is tough is that when I do spend time with her, I want to pull my ears off I'm so upset. I like her very much, and she is being a totally different person than she used to. She's really kind, listens, doesn't judge me, and is easy on herself and me. She seems to genuinely want to be around me. To spend time with me. This has been pretty consistent. She even texted me that she was looking forward to seeing me tonight. So if I push her away now, do I just break any progress we might be making? I don't know. I did see her tonight and spent time with the kids. We had a nice time. I did not pull my ears off, but being there with her in that house, my kids happily playing around us, eating together. Everything was an echo of what could be. Then I get sick to my stomach when she used a word she got from OM. And it all floods in. It's not killing me. It's hard, really hard. I'm seeing positive changes, but maybe I'm just being led along. Like this is her reformatting our R into a friendship. Maybe she is waiting to see if her feelings will return. I don't know. Just have to man-up and detach from the outcome. I will continue to ponder what you said. Thanks V.

Mutatio
I know you are right. That is basically what I'm doing. But I can't help but feel like I'm being taken advantage of. As of right now, I do feel a bit more empowered. I'm really focusing on GAL, finding my worth again. I hope you are finding some peace.

dday
I'm sorry to hear that you are in that situation. It hurts like heck. I'm really working to continue to be a great dad. It's tough man. Trying to be strong for them while your heart is aching so. When you have so much anger and pain inside. But I'm moving through it. What sort of boundaries are you setting if I may ask? I'm not sure what to do in that regard.


M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids
7/14 ILYBINILWY
8/14 Takes off rings
5/15 OM, S
PA 8/15
10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation.
11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Solo

You will never understand what WW is thinking or wanting. Until she tells you she wants back in, until she makes that choice and it will be very obvious to you if she does. It will then be your decision to say 'yes, and this is what I want' or 'no thank you'

It's clear she wants her cake and to eat it and that's what she is getting, a family life without the commitment. A plan B.

My point is that if you Solo work on you, if you resolve you, look forward to your future, take tender care of little boy that precious vulnerable child within you. Being a cake will not be enough, you will find yourself valuable in and of yourself. Then WW behaviour will be a boundary infringement.

You will I think shift from fear of abandonment to anger. There will be shift for Solo.

That isn't instant, that is why I believe the secret is healing and Solos love for Solo and his children. You are an amazing wonderful loving man.

Once there is shift, once Solo is strong in his love then cake crumbs will not be enough, he will turn to WW and say " if you want this substantial cheese cake, then you have to give up that fluffy empty sugary meringue"

Solo will stand for himself, his children and his view of M.

First I believe extraordinary self care and healing. Lots of love of Solo and his children and hugs I hope I mentioned those.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 10/01/15 01:17 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Solo said " I can't help but feel like I'm being taken advantage of"
Marriage is give and take. Screw the scorecard. Your taking one for the team.



“Character is destiny” Heraclitus
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Hi solo. This realllly sounds like my situation. It feels so right when he's around and the kids are playing and we're having a great time. I am in the same boat as you. But I learned he was cake eating. And so I pulled back like wayyyy back and he knows he can't have cake and eat it too. Hang in there and keep doing what your doing. Don't give up. Remember you are the prize. My friend says that to me all the time! !!! It's true..


Me 34 H 33
Married 2006
S5 D2
BD Jan 2015 EA/PA
He moved out 2/2/2015
Came back 5/2015
Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
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